Phobias & Other Fears
I'm fairly certain that have a phobia, an irrational fear. I probably have several, but I have one I'm thinking of in particular.
The problem is, there's an element of it that is considered socially unacceptable.
You see, I'm pretty sure I have a mild case of coulrophobia, which is to say, an irrational fear of clowns. Not clowns in a movie or on TV - watching IT didn't cause me to almost crap myself because the main bad guy's preferred guise is that of a clown - but clowns physically near me. If I'm walking down the street and there's a performer dressed as a clown, I'm not getting close to them. I can't. The smell of the greasepaint, how it gets into the clothes, how it lingers, I can't take it. I don't know what it is, but it triggers a fear/flight impulse in me, a desire to just get away from it.
Now, note I'm not making a judgement on clowns. Clowns are a part of our society, part of the circus, part of what goes into hospitals to make children laugh! A skilled clown who has put thought and experimentation into their "look", has it registered under their name, and who has practiced long and hard to perfect the "clown arts" such as balloon animals, juggling, jokes (both good and bad) and otherwise entertaining people is someone with a passion and an identity that they should be proud of. Let clowns be clowns! Let them do what they do, and let them be where they want to be.
I just can't go near them. My skin crawls, and literally the thought that I might get some greasepaint or makeup on my own skin almost makes me want to scream.
Now, my wife wears makeup occasionally, but not often. She wears it to special occasions, such as weddings, and she doesn't wear much - just enough to highlight the best parts. A little bit of shadow around the eyes, a hint of colour on the cheeks, and something light on the lips. But I don't kiss her when she wears it - not on the lips, and barely on the cheek. I will kiss her hand, with all the commensurate drama that such a kiss entails, but not on the lips. Part of my brain says that it's because I don't want to smear what's on hers, but the rest of me knows that it's because I don't want it on me.
This is foolish, and I know it. But it's irrational, as the word implies. It's an irrational, inexplicable, "fear" that triggers bad things in my head.
Where the "socially unacceptable" part comes in is in regards to a certain element of non-traditional sexuality that contains the various elements above.
Yep, I'm talking about drag queens.
Now, I don't understand a lot of non-traditional sexualities and identities and such, in that I am a heterosexual cisgendered white male who has never doubted in those elements of my identity. I never wanted to be a woman, never wanted to be "pegged", never wanted to involve another man in sexual play, just... nope! I also never wanted to be any kind of animal. I've never identified "as" another group, nor even really "with" another group. I'm in the lane I feel I'm supposed to be in, and I'm okay with that.
I've had friends who are gay - that I don't have any at the moment is more a product of me not having many I call "friends" at the moment than anything else! I've known a couple of transgender individuals, a couple of non-binary folks, and the trick is, unless they are wearing their preferred pronouns on their shirt, it's easy to use the wrong ones. Seeing Agate wearing girl clothes in September (and pretty much clowny - lots of polka-dots, pigtails, and dots on their cheeks) and insisting on "they" actually made me more uncomfortable than when they came to class in January wearing denim, hair cut short, and wanting either "they" or "he". (Partly, there was no makeup smell to trigger me!)
Drag queens, by their very nature, are over-the-top flamboyant people. Big clothes, big makeup, big wigs, big scent, big personality, big everything. I once struggled through To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar - it was easier because they were on the other side of the screen, but the personality projection (especially John Leguizamo's character) was almost painful for me to watch because it was still triggering that latent phobia in me. And most drag queens that I've seen portrayed on TV or in films, or who have been guests or participants on various have that huge personality projection!
Now, this being said, there were a pair of queens on The Amazing Race Canada this past season, racing in character but out of costume, and I loved them! So flamboyant they were practically on fire, they struck me as a pair that would be hilarious and educational to be around for even just a little while! But seeing them in their outfits practically made me recoil. So I got to thinking: what is it about the costumes...?
Where I've settled is the "fake" nature of the appearance, combined with the makeup, combined with the attitude. It comes across to me as "trying too hard" to be someone you are not. It feels like falsehood, like (and this comment could get me cancelled!) they are trying to be a woman who has only ever seen women in movies and hasn't met a real one.
(Oh, and I feel I need to lump this in here as well, because I have never once watched a single episode of anything that starts with the words Real Housewives; super-made-up, super-over-the-top, super-catty, super-unlikeable-despite-trying-to-be-super-sexy women make me want to walk away and not look back! But I feel like those women seem to be who drag queens are trying to emulate!)
I heard a story a little while ago about a person (let's stay neutral for the moment) who was born and raised as a female. She hated her female identity, for no reason that anyone could fathom. When her sexuality blossomed, she fell for other girls/women, but as a girl/woman, so she got labelled a lesbian, of course. But she was a bitch as a lesbian, and relationships never lasted long because she was just horribly unpleasant to be around, and it seemed to centre on the fact that she was female. Her own mother couldn't stand her, because she was just so unremittingly hostile to everyone - there was apparently nothing "resting" about her RBF!
As the last few years unfolded, though, and we started to really recognize the "queer" gender identities and embrace trans-whatever (with or without attempts to fully transition), "she" shifted sides and became a "he" - manner of dress, behaviour, hormones, and I'm not sure if an actual transition took place, but the identity became fully masculine. And he was much more pleasant as a "son" than he had ever been as a daughter! Relationships were more stable, life with everyone was filled with more joy, and everything was just better.
A thought I keep coming back to is, we don't know who we are, but we are greatly unsatisfied with who we seem to be. Sometimes it's our gender roles. Sometimes it's our sexuality. Sometimes it's our job or occupation. Sometimes it's where we live or what we do with our time. Escaping into the fantasy world of a video game or an RPG (or, dare I say it, an RPG video game!) allows us to take on another identity for a time. So does being a participant in renaissance fairs or Star Wars dress-up places or being Civil War re-enactors. "I'm an accountant, but I'm also a scout trooper with the 501st Imperial Legion on weekends!" With that outlet, with that ability to "be" someone else for a little while, regular life can become a bit more tolerable sometimes! Or, going all the way back to the top of this, being a clown and bringing joy to children with what you do and how you are when you're not being the "real" you! (And we really don't have time to explore The Batman Question, which is "Does Bruce Wayne wear a mask to be Batman, or is it Batman wearing the Bruce Wayne mask?" In other words, is the real "you" the clown/trooper/half-orc rogue, or the person you are through the rest of the week?)
So, what is it with me and the drag queens? I think it has to be the smells that are triggering something in me - I react poorly to women who smell like that (let alone act like that), so a man dressed as a woman and smelling like that is going to set off phobia elements over which I have little or no control! My mother wore a lot of makeup when she went out; she also dyed her hair, and I think the combination of smells have created something unpleasant in my psyche (nothing against my mother, though - this is all something in ME!) that just recoils whenever I smell it anywhere.
TL;DR - Be who you want to be, hold whatever sexuality you want as long as you engage in relationships of roughly equivalent power levels, but if you wear a lot of makeup, perfume, or hairspray, I'm probably going to run away.