Not as dumb as they seem...
So, let's make a postulation here:
We'll start with two parents of a troublesome child. Nothing they do can get the child to be obedient, "normal," or basically behave as expected, even a significant amount of the time. As the child grows up, the parents assume that it is them. They must be the problem - they were not educated enough about the trials and tribulations of parenting when they took on the responsibility of raising these little angels to adulthood, when they will spread their wings and fly, fly, fly to such awesome and amazing things that all who know them will weep for the sheer joy of it all. So, the parents attend courses, meet with psychiatrists and psychologists, meet with parents and school administrators, try to "remain on the same page" but, inexplicably, find themselves drifting apart in their handling of situations. School suspensions abound, because the child continues doing the same things, and the school keeps doing the same things, and both school (and, by extension, the parents) seem to think that the repetiton of these same things will eventually get through to the child. They do not. The definition of "insanity" is explored, to no one's satisfaction. Different results do not occur. The parents continue to seek more help. Both develop short tempers and intolerance, because the child is not learning. The child is not changing. And, worst of all, the child does not seem to care about the impact that the various choices they are making are having on their parents. If the child does, it's a malicious "care" because the goal seems to be to drive the parents apart and have them at each other's throats, thus leaving the child free to continue along the merry road they are wandering down. What makes this worse for the parents is that they, themselves, never went down this road. Both were "pleasers," obsessed with making their parents proud and pushing themselves to excel and become fruitful members of society. Never really drank, never really partied, never really cared to. That the child does so with wild abandon confuses them because they never modeled this behaviour for them. They keep hearing, "Children learn what they see at home."
Eventually, the parents get to a point where, to save their own sanity, they involve the "professionals." They call CAS to get involved now, at a pro-active point in time, before a temper snaps and the child ends up in the hospital and the parent in handcuffs / jail. What does CAS do? Put some counselling courses in place... for them! Yes, they are the problem after all! If they are the adults, then they should be able to keep their tempers, no matter how disrespectful the child is being! Won't go to school? Knows enough about electronics to hook up everything theydisconnect the moment they both go out the door to work? Is starting to steal from them? Here, you go to a counselor and we'll tell you everything that is wrong about your interactions with the child, starting with how it's all your fault in the first place. (Oh, no, they don't come right out and say that, but if the child isn't cooperating with the parents, then the parents must be demanding too much of the child and need to calm down and expect less).
A telling moment arrives: the child commits an offence against the parents' sensibilities that require the police to become involved, lest the parent give in to the temptation to relocate the child's head two feet lower on their body by the use of percussive force. When the police arrive, they wag a finger at the male parent and mouth the same old platitudes: he is the adult, he needs to mind his temper, if he lays his finger on the child, he is the one who will be charged, etc., etc. Then they speak to the child. Twenty minutes later, they descend from the child's room where they have been speaking to him, fingering their billy clubs and departing, saying, "You still can't touch him..."
And then, what has been dreaded in some ways: the breaking point. The child is removed from the home because over the course of yet another argument over attitude he used the f-word for the fiftieth time in ten minutes, causing the father's temper to snap. The incident is recounted to a counsellor (attended by the parents, naturally) a week later. CAS, in a panic, removes the child "for the child's own safety." Do you not get it yet? The parents are bad parents! This child is misunderstood, uncared-for, scorned, spurned, should have had an earlier bed time as a child, wasn't disciplined consistently as a toddler, has not had expectations properly spelled out and/or set aside, was insignificantly rewarded for successes, blah, blah, blah. Yep, once again, it is the parents who must have failed this child.
The child enters the world of CAS, trained professionals who have dedicated their lives to helping troubled youth. Degrees in child psychology and child welfare training are falling off their walls, so many do they have gathered there. Countless training hours, endless courses, years of practical experience, a selfless dedication to making each child who comes into their system feel welcomed, loved, and supported every step of the way along the road to a better life, that is what they offer the child! The parents? The parents have bad tempers, poor personal management, care not for the child - this is the trope that they sell to themselves, as children who are "abandoned" to their care are neglected, abused, and have been shown a poor example in the home as addicted or overworked parents push too much on them too young or one beats the other or whatever. CAS is not ready for parents who are bewildered and frustrated and repeat, over and over again, "Help our child!" Of course we can help the child, they say to themselves; that's what we do! That's what we are! But first, to help him make the transition out of that horrible home environment, we'll put the child in a group home, to be among peers who have been though similar such traumas, so that the child does not feel so alone in the world.
What's that? The child isolates and mocks the other individuals in the group home and needs to be put in time-out? How often? Every day. Every. Single. Day. Are the social workers caring? Loving? Compassionate? Of course! Does this matter? No. Back into time-out.
Very well. Let us grant the child's fondest wish: to live with the family of an old and dear friend, who will show the proper care, compassion, tolerance and forbearance that the child did not receive whilst living at home. There *will* be expectations of school attendance, a job, and oh, dear, the police have become involved again and the court has assigned probation! Nevertheless, the host family will still keep...
What's that? Not attending school? Not coming home? The host family, those with whom the child most wanted to live in the whole wide world is also indicating rejection? How is this possible?!
Maybe...
Just maybe...
Maybe it's the child!!
Sigh...
Well, okay, it looks like our only choice is to cut the child loose, not expect any kind of acceptable home environment, and while we're at it provide a basic living allowance so as to potentially pay rent and provide food, should the child go that direction. We'll put the child in contact with another counselling service nearby (despite the fact that the child has taken zero advantage of any of the other counselling services that have been provided in the past dozen years, despite the fact that any counsellor who has ever actually seen the child has been played like a fiddle and leaves the room knowing it) and perhaps they can get through where we have not. Oh, and pull the picture on the brochure; let us not think to advertise this child as one of our "success stories."
What's that? Tell the parents that they were right in the first place? Tell them that we agree that the child is unmanageable, perhaps due to a psychological imbalance that doctors refuse to diagnose because it's a spectrum disorder without clear parameters? Tell them that they're not bad parents? Why would we do that?! They didn't get enough help for the child when the help would have made a difference! That has to be the case...
"Some people just want to see the world burn." I wish it were just a movie quote...
We'll start with two parents of a troublesome child. Nothing they do can get the child to be obedient, "normal," or basically behave as expected, even a significant amount of the time. As the child grows up, the parents assume that it is them. They must be the problem - they were not educated enough about the trials and tribulations of parenting when they took on the responsibility of raising these little angels to adulthood, when they will spread their wings and fly, fly, fly to such awesome and amazing things that all who know them will weep for the sheer joy of it all. So, the parents attend courses, meet with psychiatrists and psychologists, meet with parents and school administrators, try to "remain on the same page" but, inexplicably, find themselves drifting apart in their handling of situations. School suspensions abound, because the child continues doing the same things, and the school keeps doing the same things, and both school (and, by extension, the parents) seem to think that the repetiton of these same things will eventually get through to the child. They do not. The definition of "insanity" is explored, to no one's satisfaction. Different results do not occur. The parents continue to seek more help. Both develop short tempers and intolerance, because the child is not learning. The child is not changing. And, worst of all, the child does not seem to care about the impact that the various choices they are making are having on their parents. If the child does, it's a malicious "care" because the goal seems to be to drive the parents apart and have them at each other's throats, thus leaving the child free to continue along the merry road they are wandering down. What makes this worse for the parents is that they, themselves, never went down this road. Both were "pleasers," obsessed with making their parents proud and pushing themselves to excel and become fruitful members of society. Never really drank, never really partied, never really cared to. That the child does so with wild abandon confuses them because they never modeled this behaviour for them. They keep hearing, "Children learn what they see at home."
Eventually, the parents get to a point where, to save their own sanity, they involve the "professionals." They call CAS to get involved now, at a pro-active point in time, before a temper snaps and the child ends up in the hospital and the parent in handcuffs / jail. What does CAS do? Put some counselling courses in place... for them! Yes, they are the problem after all! If they are the adults, then they should be able to keep their tempers, no matter how disrespectful the child is being! Won't go to school? Knows enough about electronics to hook up everything theydisconnect the moment they both go out the door to work? Is starting to steal from them? Here, you go to a counselor and we'll tell you everything that is wrong about your interactions with the child, starting with how it's all your fault in the first place. (Oh, no, they don't come right out and say that, but if the child isn't cooperating with the parents, then the parents must be demanding too much of the child and need to calm down and expect less).
A telling moment arrives: the child commits an offence against the parents' sensibilities that require the police to become involved, lest the parent give in to the temptation to relocate the child's head two feet lower on their body by the use of percussive force. When the police arrive, they wag a finger at the male parent and mouth the same old platitudes: he is the adult, he needs to mind his temper, if he lays his finger on the child, he is the one who will be charged, etc., etc. Then they speak to the child. Twenty minutes later, they descend from the child's room where they have been speaking to him, fingering their billy clubs and departing, saying, "You still can't touch him..."
And then, what has been dreaded in some ways: the breaking point. The child is removed from the home because over the course of yet another argument over attitude he used the f-word for the fiftieth time in ten minutes, causing the father's temper to snap. The incident is recounted to a counsellor (attended by the parents, naturally) a week later. CAS, in a panic, removes the child "for the child's own safety." Do you not get it yet? The parents are bad parents! This child is misunderstood, uncared-for, scorned, spurned, should have had an earlier bed time as a child, wasn't disciplined consistently as a toddler, has not had expectations properly spelled out and/or set aside, was insignificantly rewarded for successes, blah, blah, blah. Yep, once again, it is the parents who must have failed this child.
The child enters the world of CAS, trained professionals who have dedicated their lives to helping troubled youth. Degrees in child psychology and child welfare training are falling off their walls, so many do they have gathered there. Countless training hours, endless courses, years of practical experience, a selfless dedication to making each child who comes into their system feel welcomed, loved, and supported every step of the way along the road to a better life, that is what they offer the child! The parents? The parents have bad tempers, poor personal management, care not for the child - this is the trope that they sell to themselves, as children who are "abandoned" to their care are neglected, abused, and have been shown a poor example in the home as addicted or overworked parents push too much on them too young or one beats the other or whatever. CAS is not ready for parents who are bewildered and frustrated and repeat, over and over again, "Help our child!" Of course we can help the child, they say to themselves; that's what we do! That's what we are! But first, to help him make the transition out of that horrible home environment, we'll put the child in a group home, to be among peers who have been though similar such traumas, so that the child does not feel so alone in the world.
What's that? The child isolates and mocks the other individuals in the group home and needs to be put in time-out? How often? Every day. Every. Single. Day. Are the social workers caring? Loving? Compassionate? Of course! Does this matter? No. Back into time-out.
Very well. Let us grant the child's fondest wish: to live with the family of an old and dear friend, who will show the proper care, compassion, tolerance and forbearance that the child did not receive whilst living at home. There *will* be expectations of school attendance, a job, and oh, dear, the police have become involved again and the court has assigned probation! Nevertheless, the host family will still keep...
What's that? Not attending school? Not coming home? The host family, those with whom the child most wanted to live in the whole wide world is also indicating rejection? How is this possible?!
Maybe...
Just maybe...
Maybe it's the child!!
Sigh...
Well, okay, it looks like our only choice is to cut the child loose, not expect any kind of acceptable home environment, and while we're at it provide a basic living allowance so as to potentially pay rent and provide food, should the child go that direction. We'll put the child in contact with another counselling service nearby (despite the fact that the child has taken zero advantage of any of the other counselling services that have been provided in the past dozen years, despite the fact that any counsellor who has ever actually seen the child has been played like a fiddle and leaves the room knowing it) and perhaps they can get through where we have not. Oh, and pull the picture on the brochure; let us not think to advertise this child as one of our "success stories."
What's that? Tell the parents that they were right in the first place? Tell them that we agree that the child is unmanageable, perhaps due to a psychological imbalance that doctors refuse to diagnose because it's a spectrum disorder without clear parameters? Tell them that they're not bad parents? Why would we do that?! They didn't get enough help for the child when the help would have made a difference! That has to be the case...
"Some people just want to see the world burn." I wish it were just a movie quote...