Catch 22

[derektion]

Today, I turn 22 years old. I look foreward with more optimism for my future than a year ago. Bonds are closer, I've met more good people I can call friends, and become more independent. Those, and I still haven't accidentally killed myself.

I'm eating better, getting more exercise, but I can't help it, I'm getting older. I try anyway. Catch 22.

Comments

Hi Derek

[popmuzik]

I'm hoping to avoid the drama a bit so I'm writing this here. I hope you understand that I have no where else to write this and if your friends read this, I hope they understand that as well.

I wish I knew but there's obviously a lot I don't know and I know you kept it that way on purpose. And that's ok.

There are a lot of things I do want to say but I can't here. Even just saying that is so ljdrama.

People are upset, I know you know this.

Wherever that place was, that place you were, that place that was so dark and so desperate that there was nothing you else you could do, I know that place. It saddens me that you had to know that place, too.

I know I told you about how depressed I was while I was in school. I know I told you about the medication and the therapy. And I really KNOW I told you where I found help. Literally right there on campus, within walking distance.

You knew what I went through, why didn't you say something? I didn't need to know details. I would've tried to help, even if to just point you in a good direction. Why didn't you say anything?

I don't know what happened, I didn't even know you had secrets. I mean I know people have secrets, but you're so...

You always told me you hated drama and it's ironic cause HELLO how dramatic is this?

I really don't know what else to say. I'm sorry we didn't spend more time together. I'm sorry it had to end this way.

I'm trying not to be angry because it's not my place to be angry. I haven't spoken to anyone directly, I've read as much as I could find to try and piece it together. It's kind of sickening that I have to try and figure this all out from random shit I'm reading on LJ of all the god damn places.

And now I feel like I never really knew you. Now all the pieces are coming together and I have to make sense of it AND try not to be angry at you. I think I can do it.

And I'm kind of annoyed that the last thing you said to me was "god I hate you" but you were kidding.

I'm sorry you had to know such pain, and I'm sorry for the pain you've left behind. I can't believe this has happened and I'm not sure I ever will.

I'll miss you.