oops I did it again
Wrote this a couple days ago, just cuz.
So I’ve wanted to start writing again, partially because it feels good, partially because I’ll like reading what I’m writing now a year from this moment. There might be a few other parts too. I’ve wanted to record the feelings of excitement and freshness and attempt to capture the glow that I feel I must be emitting from time to time. Confidence (false or not I’ll take it), invincibility, and new car smell used to cover sadness, disappointment, and loss. But walking away from a four and a half year relationship, where you were trying to decide at what point you’d go ring shopping, it’s what I think I think I should feel. It comes down to what are you walking away with, and that’s where the sun shines through the clouds. No regrets. First thoughts are, “well shit Derek, you knew this would never work, when X happened.” “You should have ended it there.” But no regrets for not. The only way to properly end a relationship with a person you love and will always is to understand why you’re ending it. Closure. No blames. Acceptance. Arguing, trying to appear strong, and then sobbing while driving home. You wake up the next day, throw a Rolling Stones song on a cd by itself, and live all over again. Next week move to Audio Slave.
Shuffle.
Every year about this time I get excited to go back to Merrill, and it’s been a feeling of biblical proportions this year. (Meaning I’m geeked to be in Mt. P, and locust are eating my corn field). There’s a lot I want to do in my last semester. More, basically. More involved in groups, having fun, and people. That’s right, I want to be more involved in YOUR life, and you have no say in the matter. More time smiling and meeting people and doing my best to make them smile again. Go back to the days of dragging Brandon out for a good time and rollerblading at 4am. Seems like yearly I get these urges, and this one I’m not letting go. I want to ride this one for the rest of my life. I want to go back to being myself and not let in the darkness of being passive. Honest, fun, flirty, outgoing, opinionated, working through problems, helping people, getting what I need, high stepping above the drama. I’m done sitting. I’m going back to my forgotten island and this time I know who I am.
Holy shit. I might really mean that. =) And that’s why I’m excited.
So I’ve wanted to start writing again, partially because it feels good, partially because I’ll like reading what I’m writing now a year from this moment. There might be a few other parts too. I’ve wanted to record the feelings of excitement and freshness and attempt to capture the glow that I feel I must be emitting from time to time. Confidence (false or not I’ll take it), invincibility, and new car smell used to cover sadness, disappointment, and loss. But walking away from a four and a half year relationship, where you were trying to decide at what point you’d go ring shopping, it’s what I think I think I should feel. It comes down to what are you walking away with, and that’s where the sun shines through the clouds. No regrets. First thoughts are, “well shit Derek, you knew this would never work, when X happened.” “You should have ended it there.” But no regrets for not. The only way to properly end a relationship with a person you love and will always is to understand why you’re ending it. Closure. No blames. Acceptance. Arguing, trying to appear strong, and then sobbing while driving home. You wake up the next day, throw a Rolling Stones song on a cd by itself, and live all over again. Next week move to Audio Slave.
Shuffle.
Every year about this time I get excited to go back to Merrill, and it’s been a feeling of biblical proportions this year. (Meaning I’m geeked to be in Mt. P, and locust are eating my corn field). There’s a lot I want to do in my last semester. More, basically. More involved in groups, having fun, and people. That’s right, I want to be more involved in YOUR life, and you have no say in the matter. More time smiling and meeting people and doing my best to make them smile again. Go back to the days of dragging Brandon out for a good time and rollerblading at 4am. Seems like yearly I get these urges, and this one I’m not letting go. I want to ride this one for the rest of my life. I want to go back to being myself and not let in the darkness of being passive. Honest, fun, flirty, outgoing, opinionated, working through problems, helping people, getting what I need, high stepping above the drama. I’m done sitting. I’m going back to my forgotten island and this time I know who I am.
Holy shit. I might really mean that. =) And that’s why I’m excited.