Ephiphany
So I have come to the realization that I understand everyones relationships....but my own. Pretty slick how that works. I find it somewhat amusing how I can talk my way into or out of any situation that I want, except for when my feelings are attached. All that comes out are repeat sentences or shit that shouldnt be coming out of my mouth, cause it makes no sense, and just sounds even more fucked up. I consider myself an intelligent guy, but sometimes....I can just be really really fucking stupid.
It just absolutely AMAZES me how much your OWN feelings change the outlook that you have. Once YOU are involved, it seems like reasoning and common sense are just two words that you're hearing for the first time, and you have absolutely no fucking clue what they mean or what they stand for.
I fucked up. Partially...but I still fucked up is the bottom line. More than her. I did things that I shouldn't have, and I dont mean like I cheated or anything like that, but I just acted certain ways that I shouldnt have. Once again, my past came to haunt me and made me more cautious than I should have been. Wasn't really able to let myself let the walls down to someone who was my own age and didnt want to play games, and just wanted to be with me and just let the true colors through. Instead I kept her at arms distance jusssssst long enough for her to be over me juuuuuuust in time for me to realize that she was what I was looking for; and poof. Like that..it was over. Just as quickly as it started.
Such is luck. I cant blame her though, shes a no bullshit kind of girl, and she put up with bullshit. If youre a vegetarian, you can only eat meat for so long to make the other person happy until you cant take it anymore and peace the fuck out. I was actually happy for that time we were together. Like really happy. I just didnt realize how happy until I didnt have it any longer and I wasn't waking up and going to sleep next to her.
I have a tendency to make excuses for why shit is going down..like "why dont you have my back", "youre taking the easy way out" yadda yadda. Its that fucking Ego of mine.
Truth be told I miss her like shit, but its past the point of her caring or my words mattering, so blah.
Oh well. Another lesson under the belt. Cant change the past, you can only learn from it.
It just absolutely AMAZES me how much your OWN feelings change the outlook that you have. Once YOU are involved, it seems like reasoning and common sense are just two words that you're hearing for the first time, and you have absolutely no fucking clue what they mean or what they stand for.
I fucked up. Partially...but I still fucked up is the bottom line. More than her. I did things that I shouldn't have, and I dont mean like I cheated or anything like that, but I just acted certain ways that I shouldnt have. Once again, my past came to haunt me and made me more cautious than I should have been. Wasn't really able to let myself let the walls down to someone who was my own age and didnt want to play games, and just wanted to be with me and just let the true colors through. Instead I kept her at arms distance jusssssst long enough for her to be over me juuuuuuust in time for me to realize that she was what I was looking for; and poof. Like that..it was over. Just as quickly as it started.
Such is luck. I cant blame her though, shes a no bullshit kind of girl, and she put up with bullshit. If youre a vegetarian, you can only eat meat for so long to make the other person happy until you cant take it anymore and peace the fuck out. I was actually happy for that time we were together. Like really happy. I just didnt realize how happy until I didnt have it any longer and I wasn't waking up and going to sleep next to her.
I have a tendency to make excuses for why shit is going down..like "why dont you have my back", "youre taking the easy way out" yadda yadda. Its that fucking Ego of mine.
Truth be told I miss her like shit, but its past the point of her caring or my words mattering, so blah.
Oh well. Another lesson under the belt. Cant change the past, you can only learn from it.