(no subject)
Ah.. housesitting once more. I had an unusual wake up from the dogs this morning. Anthem and buddy decided that they were going to jump all over me and steal my pillow to wake me up. Silly dogs.
I wonder what is going on with my little bro, he doesn't return emails or phone calls. *sigh. I think he is going to drop. It was comforting to see all the AKPsi people attending Brendan's mother's funeral. It was just comforting to think that through the years to come, so many of us will be at events such as everyone getting married and sadly, more funerals.
I hope Cassie is okay, I am wondering if I need to take a trip to Peoria this weekend. She hasn't returned my calls, but at the same time, she has other things to worry about than to call me back. I just hope she and her family is okay. They are my adopted family :o) so I hope they know that I am there if they need me to do anything.
Emotions blow. I think I am slowly reverting back to how I was in high school...numb to the rest of the world. I hate reverting back to it, but at the same time, I feel like I need to. It will be so much easier to get through this semester if I try not to care about the world, its the only thing that is going to keep me sane. I hurt...alot and I can't take the time to deal with it all right now, so I need to tuck it all away and stay focused on my goals. I need to harden my heart against all the warm and fuzzies and the images of what wonderful families are. It hurts when I see how a family should act because I know I can never have that with my parents. My dad will never walk me down the aile, and my mother will never be there to help me pick out a wedding dress. Granted all this stuff is years away. Shit man, I still have to graduate, find a hubby and have a career, but at Rachael's wedding it hurt watching Uncle Kent and her dance because it made me wish that my parents actually cared enough to be my parents. Its not that I want to get married anytime soon, its just I wish I felt connected to my parents. Hell, I can't even talk to them.
I wish I understood what was going on in my personal life. I seriously need to revert back to not giving a damn about anything. Of course I care when it comes to the people that are close to me, I just need to go back to the mode of thinking that I won't let anything hurt me. Its so much easier when you don't care to just go out and have fun. I want to run away. I think I need to have a deep heart to heart with someone because I am still really hurt from the other night...even though I try to act like I'm fine...I'm not someone's whore. Thats the story of my life, liesel isn't allowed to be anything but fine.
My Uncle Kent had to have emergency surgery while he and Aunt JoAnna were in Chicago. Thank god he is okay it happened this week and not last week with the wedding. I think I will call them early next week to see how they are doing, I don't know if they are still in chicago or not, so I don't want to pester them.
I try so hard not to let anything affect me and to be neutral in most of what i say and do. But damnit, I wish I didn't feel like I had to appease everyone whom I work with. Seriously, this whole work thing needs to get straightened out. I am having a meeting with Scott on Thursday for what my new position is going to be, Robert is telling me not to worry. I don't think he realizes that its hard when your hired to do one thing, and they say you do one thing, then in a course of a day, your whole role in the company has shifted, without little explanation to something completely different. Of course Iam going to think that I pissed off the wrong person somehow.
It's always nice when steve is online, he makes me laugh. Its funny to think that I have known him for so many years...
I wonder what is going on with my little bro, he doesn't return emails or phone calls. *sigh. I think he is going to drop. It was comforting to see all the AKPsi people attending Brendan's mother's funeral. It was just comforting to think that through the years to come, so many of us will be at events such as everyone getting married and sadly, more funerals.
I hope Cassie is okay, I am wondering if I need to take a trip to Peoria this weekend. She hasn't returned my calls, but at the same time, she has other things to worry about than to call me back. I just hope she and her family is okay. They are my adopted family :o) so I hope they know that I am there if they need me to do anything.
Emotions blow. I think I am slowly reverting back to how I was in high school...numb to the rest of the world. I hate reverting back to it, but at the same time, I feel like I need to. It will be so much easier to get through this semester if I try not to care about the world, its the only thing that is going to keep me sane. I hurt...alot and I can't take the time to deal with it all right now, so I need to tuck it all away and stay focused on my goals. I need to harden my heart against all the warm and fuzzies and the images of what wonderful families are. It hurts when I see how a family should act because I know I can never have that with my parents. My dad will never walk me down the aile, and my mother will never be there to help me pick out a wedding dress. Granted all this stuff is years away. Shit man, I still have to graduate, find a hubby and have a career, but at Rachael's wedding it hurt watching Uncle Kent and her dance because it made me wish that my parents actually cared enough to be my parents. Its not that I want to get married anytime soon, its just I wish I felt connected to my parents. Hell, I can't even talk to them.
I wish I understood what was going on in my personal life. I seriously need to revert back to not giving a damn about anything. Of course I care when it comes to the people that are close to me, I just need to go back to the mode of thinking that I won't let anything hurt me. Its so much easier when you don't care to just go out and have fun. I want to run away. I think I need to have a deep heart to heart with someone because I am still really hurt from the other night...even though I try to act like I'm fine...I'm not someone's whore. Thats the story of my life, liesel isn't allowed to be anything but fine.
My Uncle Kent had to have emergency surgery while he and Aunt JoAnna were in Chicago. Thank god he is okay it happened this week and not last week with the wedding. I think I will call them early next week to see how they are doing, I don't know if they are still in chicago or not, so I don't want to pester them.
I try so hard not to let anything affect me and to be neutral in most of what i say and do. But damnit, I wish I didn't feel like I had to appease everyone whom I work with. Seriously, this whole work thing needs to get straightened out. I am having a meeting with Scott on Thursday for what my new position is going to be, Robert is telling me not to worry. I don't think he realizes that its hard when your hired to do one thing, and they say you do one thing, then in a course of a day, your whole role in the company has shifted, without little explanation to something completely different. Of course Iam going to think that I pissed off the wrong person somehow.
It's always nice when steve is online, he makes me laugh. Its funny to think that I have known him for so many years...