lonely
I am sick of being alone. I don't want to be single anymore.
I am 19 and I have never had a boyfriend. Ever. Not one. And I am still waiting for my first kiss. And I'm sick of it.
Every movie I see now days makes me want to cry because it seems as though there's /always/ a romantic subplot that ends well for the characters. It makes me so jealous I just want to burst into tears. And it's not even just romantic movies, anymore. It seems like a love interest is impossible to avoid. I was excited that the leads in the Da Vinci Code didnt hook up, until I heard readers complaining because they do in the book, apparently. *Le sigh*
But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change it. I've had a million crushes. I've even let a couple of them know (which is a big feat for me because I get painfully shy with guys I like.) But nothing. Call to mind my montrous crush on Timmy as an example. I finally worked up the courage to clue him in. Fortunately things did not go bad like I was fearing, but I am disappointedly reporting that they did not go as one might have hoped, either.
And I also spent an entire school year in a different state, meeting a few new people despite my attempts to avoid socializing (I am not good with new people. I'm too shy and go quiet, therefore not being myself at all.) I tried giving myself some new options, since a close personal friend is convinced that my problem is just that we went to such a small highschool. I am so sick of being single that I forced myself to do a tiny bit og mingling in college (never did go to a party, though.) And still nothing.
I have never doubted that I would get married and have kids. But at this rate, how can I be sure? I wanted to be married by like 25. Well, I'm 19 and I've never dated. I'm screwed.
I'm so tired of being surrounded by couples. It makes me jealous and bitter. And I get jealous that my friends are spending time with their significant others instead of me. Or worse, combining them with our group by doing things like bringing them to the grind and to parties.
I know that's selfish of me, but I like to keep my friends separate from everything. I feel like my group of friends is all that I have, and I can't stand having that safe place penetrated by boy/girlfriends and college friends and work friends and etc. I don't have anything else right now that makes me happy. I /need/ my friends. But even that is going wrong.
I've tried to revamp my image. See if that can help get me a guy. I dyed my hair red last summer. Now I'm attempting to alter my wardrobe to be a bit more girly. But the problem is I can never find anything that fits. I don't like the way I look in anything. I only own one pair of jeans because I can't find any that fit me /anywhere./ So now an idea that was meant to freshen up my wardrobe to ultimately make me more confident has instead backfired and made me hate my body more than ever.
And then there's the Downward Spiral of Doom. I have told some of my friends about this. I'm 19 and I have never had a boyfriend. No one is going to want to date me because I am so inexperienced. So I'll get to be 24 and have never had a boyfriend and face the same problem. Soon I'll be middle aged and still single. No one is going to want to date a middle aged woman who has never even has anyone else's tongue in her mouth. So i'm destined to not be able to get married and have kids like I dream of doing, but rather die old and pathetic and alone.
That's what I've got to look forward to.
Later Days,
Jen
"Men are born to succeed, not fail." --Henry David Thoreau
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
I am 19 and I have never had a boyfriend. Ever. Not one. And I am still waiting for my first kiss. And I'm sick of it.
Every movie I see now days makes me want to cry because it seems as though there's /always/ a romantic subplot that ends well for the characters. It makes me so jealous I just want to burst into tears. And it's not even just romantic movies, anymore. It seems like a love interest is impossible to avoid. I was excited that the leads in the Da Vinci Code didnt hook up, until I heard readers complaining because they do in the book, apparently. *Le sigh*
But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change it. I've had a million crushes. I've even let a couple of them know (which is a big feat for me because I get painfully shy with guys I like.) But nothing. Call to mind my montrous crush on Timmy as an example. I finally worked up the courage to clue him in. Fortunately things did not go bad like I was fearing, but I am disappointedly reporting that they did not go as one might have hoped, either.
And I also spent an entire school year in a different state, meeting a few new people despite my attempts to avoid socializing (I am not good with new people. I'm too shy and go quiet, therefore not being myself at all.) I tried giving myself some new options, since a close personal friend is convinced that my problem is just that we went to such a small highschool. I am so sick of being single that I forced myself to do a tiny bit og mingling in college (never did go to a party, though.) And still nothing.
I have never doubted that I would get married and have kids. But at this rate, how can I be sure? I wanted to be married by like 25. Well, I'm 19 and I've never dated. I'm screwed.
I'm so tired of being surrounded by couples. It makes me jealous and bitter. And I get jealous that my friends are spending time with their significant others instead of me. Or worse, combining them with our group by doing things like bringing them to the grind and to parties.
I know that's selfish of me, but I like to keep my friends separate from everything. I feel like my group of friends is all that I have, and I can't stand having that safe place penetrated by boy/girlfriends and college friends and work friends and etc. I don't have anything else right now that makes me happy. I /need/ my friends. But even that is going wrong.
I've tried to revamp my image. See if that can help get me a guy. I dyed my hair red last summer. Now I'm attempting to alter my wardrobe to be a bit more girly. But the problem is I can never find anything that fits. I don't like the way I look in anything. I only own one pair of jeans because I can't find any that fit me /anywhere./ So now an idea that was meant to freshen up my wardrobe to ultimately make me more confident has instead backfired and made me hate my body more than ever.
And then there's the Downward Spiral of Doom. I have told some of my friends about this. I'm 19 and I have never had a boyfriend. No one is going to want to date me because I am so inexperienced. So I'll get to be 24 and have never had a boyfriend and face the same problem. Soon I'll be middle aged and still single. No one is going to want to date a middle aged woman who has never even has anyone else's tongue in her mouth. So i'm destined to not be able to get married and have kids like I dream of doing, but rather die old and pathetic and alone.
That's what I've got to look forward to.
Later Days,
Jen
"Men are born to succeed, not fail." --Henry David Thoreau
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you