the day it rained (3 mini chapters)
three more mini chapters...
TREE!
While Jamie and I were sitting in the diner, Harold Smith, the owner, came in with a Christmas tree. “Merry Christmas!” he yells. Everyone looks at him and smiles and returns the favorable saying.
“Jamie,” I said, “I want a family.”
He drops his spoon. “Like with a wife and kids?” he says with a little snarl.
“No wife.” I said.
He takes a minute and he crosses his arms and says, “You know, he can’t give that to you, right?”
Again the jukebox clicked, paused, and dropped the next record on the turn table. I waited patiently, the needle scratched and the sound came, Eaten by the Monster of Love, by The Sparks. I wanted to jump up and asked who played this song, but I didn’t, though this song you don’t hear every day.
A few weeks ago I had a dream that we had kids. Some sick post modern dream with him, a kid to his side and then me, standing in front of the house.
“I believe that you can do better than him,” he says with love. “Because you love him doesn’t make it right.”
I look at him and think about all the times I wanted to tell Ray how much I really love him. But I am an empty vessel. A vessel that can hold all the love that he has for me and the love I have for him. I want it to overfill and spell out. I want to hold him tight and just let him know that someone loves him; someone that loves him so deeply that he cannot stand it. Maybe this is a ship that has sealed and I am the captain, headed for the rocky harbor only to get wedged in between the green land and the muck of the sea.
“Baby, you just need to tell him and let him know exactly how you feel.” Jamie says wide eyed.
“I know,” I simply say.
“I’m just concerned,” one of his favorite lines he likes to say.
“About?” I ask.
“Well, you know, about him…” he pauses, “about him hitting on you.”
I look at my plate and play with my fork, “He doesn’t mean to,” I reply.
Jamie just looks at me as if to say, ‘stop making excuses for him.’… And he’s right. I go back to playing with my food.
THE ONE TIME HE ASKED…
Halloween was on us like a virus. I didn’t really want to do anything except sit at home or go to Fred’s party. Ray wasn’t into it either. So we finally arrived at the point that we just wanted to stay in. Jamie was gone for the night and wouldn’t be back until the next day. Ray looks at me and says, “All I want to do to make love to you all night long.”
I couldn’t say no to that. It was the first time, that he actually said make love and not use the word fuck. It was really awesome…
…we got hungry afterward. We made dinner in our little Garden of Eden. We were in boxer shorts walking around the house. After dinner we sat on the floor of the living room surrounded by pillows which were for all we knew are the small soft shrubs of our indoor garden. We had a smoke.
“What were you like as a kid?” he asked.
My face must have said something I didn’t mean for it to. “You don’t have to answer that.”
No, no, I do.” I said.
I got comfortable, “well, I was a shy kid. I kept to myself, cause, I guess, because my mama had dead when I was about 9 or so. And daddy wasn’t around, so I lived here. I really didn’t have that many friends, close friends growing up cause I lived out here. So a lot of my summer days were hanging around here with Granddaddy and just kept to myself. In high school Jamie and I became friends so, I started hanging out with him and that crowd. You know nothing too terribly out of the ordinary. Except that I had a therapist. That was good. A few good drugs but now, I’m fine.”
We looked at each other, as I smiled fondly of the memories. “Why did you come out here that night?” I asked.
He took a minute and began to talk, “I guess curiosity.” He paused, “I won’t lie. I want to have sex with you. I always wanted to try it, but something happened that night, something I aint never had before, and that was I could be and not be judged for everything or have to act a curtain way. And the more I was around, the more I liked you and then all of sudden I realized you loved me, and then I knew I loved you and I knew I be myself and you wouldn’t judge me. Then the sex was something we do to show our love, not because that’s what we based everything on.”
I didn’t know all this. I didn’t know that he was enjoying it. I just thought he was lonely and this was the best he could do at the moment. I leaned over and kissed him. “I do love you.” I whispered in his ear.
He put his hand on the back of my arm and gently squeezed, “I love you too and I aint never felt like this with no one else.”
We got even closer on the floor and began to make love again. The fire died in the night and we woke early the next morning to a cold house.
TIMBER
It was the white and red season again, and I was confused by its deep meaning to me. I know what it means, really, but it was an existential question of Christmas which is confusing. I noticed that Ray’s Jeep had been moved, but didn’t know what that meant. This was confusing to me as well as the last six months, living with Ray. As we were pulling in, Winter Kills, by Yaz was just finishing on the playlist.
I ran for the door not because Ray was home, but because, I didn’t want to be in the rain anymore. I shook myself off as I went in and Jamie was standing there. I hadn’t noticed that he was there and bumped into him. “Move you fat cow!” I said.
“Look,” he said pointing with his mouth open.
I took a look and there in our living room stood a beautiful Christmas tree full at the bottom with its tapered to. It hadn’t been decorated but it was in its stand. Ray walked out of the bedroom in boxer shorts with towel in his hand to his hair drying it. He looked at us and said, “What ya’ll think?” with a big beautiful smile.
I stood there looking at this tree and its meaning. I looked at Ray, “It’s beautiful.”
“Yeah, I thought it would be nice to have a tree. I aint really had one before,” he said.
I just looked into his eyes and smiled. I thought how weirdly odd it was that it was he that wanted a tree. I didn’t want a tree. I didn’t want anything for Christmas, nothing. I don’t deserve anything at all.
“I got lights and stuff in the Jeep,” he said with a childish smile and dripping hair.
“I thought maybe we all could decorate it and you know, just be more like a family. Our little family…” he looked at me for approval. I didn’t want to say anything.
He look at me intently, he wanted me to say something. I didn’t know what to say. I just clammed up and couldn’t say anything else.
“Now I understand why you left.” I said.
“Yeah, I went out this morning to think. And I thought about Christmas and how much I want to be with you.” He said shaking cause it took all he had to admit this.
“But you left. We fought last night into the morning. You see my black eye? That’s not from me. That’s from you and your drunk hand.”
“Let’s not do this again, man,” Ray said, “can you not fight with me?”
I stood there. I just looked at him. I thought of what he had just said. I knew that he was right but I started to think that that I didn’t want to do this anymore. This didn’t feel much like a family. It didn’t seem like that at all. Then it hit me. He doesn’t have a family and this is all he’s got.
“I don’t want to fight, Ray, but…” I paused, “if this is something that you want then we can decorate it.”
“Yes, I want a Christmas tree,” he reminded me.
“No, I mean a family,” I paused, “Let’s work on our family,” I said.
“You,” he paused, “you want a family with me?”
“I believe I do,” I said grudgingly, “but we got things to work on to make this a family.”
“Yeah,” he said, “I know I do.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I know I do too.”
He smiled at me with his towel around his head, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I paused, “even if you do have that stupid looking towel around your head.” He laughed. The first time he had in a long time.
We just looked at each other, the fun left his face. “I thought you had left. Like left, left.” I said.
“No,” he simply added.
No, I don’t want this is all I wanted to say. But my heart kept saying, but I do. That was something I was going to have to get used to.
Out of the stereo from the living room, Jamie plays Petula Clerk. The song that he wanted to hear first is, Happy Heart, an old Andy Williams tune. Happy heart… What does that feel like?
TREE!
While Jamie and I were sitting in the diner, Harold Smith, the owner, came in with a Christmas tree. “Merry Christmas!” he yells. Everyone looks at him and smiles and returns the favorable saying.
“Jamie,” I said, “I want a family.”
He drops his spoon. “Like with a wife and kids?” he says with a little snarl.
“No wife.” I said.
He takes a minute and he crosses his arms and says, “You know, he can’t give that to you, right?”
Again the jukebox clicked, paused, and dropped the next record on the turn table. I waited patiently, the needle scratched and the sound came, Eaten by the Monster of Love, by The Sparks. I wanted to jump up and asked who played this song, but I didn’t, though this song you don’t hear every day.
A few weeks ago I had a dream that we had kids. Some sick post modern dream with him, a kid to his side and then me, standing in front of the house.
“I believe that you can do better than him,” he says with love. “Because you love him doesn’t make it right.”
I look at him and think about all the times I wanted to tell Ray how much I really love him. But I am an empty vessel. A vessel that can hold all the love that he has for me and the love I have for him. I want it to overfill and spell out. I want to hold him tight and just let him know that someone loves him; someone that loves him so deeply that he cannot stand it. Maybe this is a ship that has sealed and I am the captain, headed for the rocky harbor only to get wedged in between the green land and the muck of the sea.
“Baby, you just need to tell him and let him know exactly how you feel.” Jamie says wide eyed.
“I know,” I simply say.
“I’m just concerned,” one of his favorite lines he likes to say.
“About?” I ask.
“Well, you know, about him…” he pauses, “about him hitting on you.”
I look at my plate and play with my fork, “He doesn’t mean to,” I reply.
Jamie just looks at me as if to say, ‘stop making excuses for him.’… And he’s right. I go back to playing with my food.
THE ONE TIME HE ASKED…
Halloween was on us like a virus. I didn’t really want to do anything except sit at home or go to Fred’s party. Ray wasn’t into it either. So we finally arrived at the point that we just wanted to stay in. Jamie was gone for the night and wouldn’t be back until the next day. Ray looks at me and says, “All I want to do to make love to you all night long.”
I couldn’t say no to that. It was the first time, that he actually said make love and not use the word fuck. It was really awesome…
…we got hungry afterward. We made dinner in our little Garden of Eden. We were in boxer shorts walking around the house. After dinner we sat on the floor of the living room surrounded by pillows which were for all we knew are the small soft shrubs of our indoor garden. We had a smoke.
“What were you like as a kid?” he asked.
My face must have said something I didn’t mean for it to. “You don’t have to answer that.”
No, no, I do.” I said.
I got comfortable, “well, I was a shy kid. I kept to myself, cause, I guess, because my mama had dead when I was about 9 or so. And daddy wasn’t around, so I lived here. I really didn’t have that many friends, close friends growing up cause I lived out here. So a lot of my summer days were hanging around here with Granddaddy and just kept to myself. In high school Jamie and I became friends so, I started hanging out with him and that crowd. You know nothing too terribly out of the ordinary. Except that I had a therapist. That was good. A few good drugs but now, I’m fine.”
We looked at each other, as I smiled fondly of the memories. “Why did you come out here that night?” I asked.
He took a minute and began to talk, “I guess curiosity.” He paused, “I won’t lie. I want to have sex with you. I always wanted to try it, but something happened that night, something I aint never had before, and that was I could be and not be judged for everything or have to act a curtain way. And the more I was around, the more I liked you and then all of sudden I realized you loved me, and then I knew I loved you and I knew I be myself and you wouldn’t judge me. Then the sex was something we do to show our love, not because that’s what we based everything on.”
I didn’t know all this. I didn’t know that he was enjoying it. I just thought he was lonely and this was the best he could do at the moment. I leaned over and kissed him. “I do love you.” I whispered in his ear.
He put his hand on the back of my arm and gently squeezed, “I love you too and I aint never felt like this with no one else.”
We got even closer on the floor and began to make love again. The fire died in the night and we woke early the next morning to a cold house.
TIMBER
It was the white and red season again, and I was confused by its deep meaning to me. I know what it means, really, but it was an existential question of Christmas which is confusing. I noticed that Ray’s Jeep had been moved, but didn’t know what that meant. This was confusing to me as well as the last six months, living with Ray. As we were pulling in, Winter Kills, by Yaz was just finishing on the playlist.
I ran for the door not because Ray was home, but because, I didn’t want to be in the rain anymore. I shook myself off as I went in and Jamie was standing there. I hadn’t noticed that he was there and bumped into him. “Move you fat cow!” I said.
“Look,” he said pointing with his mouth open.
I took a look and there in our living room stood a beautiful Christmas tree full at the bottom with its tapered to. It hadn’t been decorated but it was in its stand. Ray walked out of the bedroom in boxer shorts with towel in his hand to his hair drying it. He looked at us and said, “What ya’ll think?” with a big beautiful smile.
I stood there looking at this tree and its meaning. I looked at Ray, “It’s beautiful.”
“Yeah, I thought it would be nice to have a tree. I aint really had one before,” he said.
I just looked into his eyes and smiled. I thought how weirdly odd it was that it was he that wanted a tree. I didn’t want a tree. I didn’t want anything for Christmas, nothing. I don’t deserve anything at all.
“I got lights and stuff in the Jeep,” he said with a childish smile and dripping hair.
“I thought maybe we all could decorate it and you know, just be more like a family. Our little family…” he looked at me for approval. I didn’t want to say anything.
He look at me intently, he wanted me to say something. I didn’t know what to say. I just clammed up and couldn’t say anything else.
“Now I understand why you left.” I said.
“Yeah, I went out this morning to think. And I thought about Christmas and how much I want to be with you.” He said shaking cause it took all he had to admit this.
“But you left. We fought last night into the morning. You see my black eye? That’s not from me. That’s from you and your drunk hand.”
“Let’s not do this again, man,” Ray said, “can you not fight with me?”
I stood there. I just looked at him. I thought of what he had just said. I knew that he was right but I started to think that that I didn’t want to do this anymore. This didn’t feel much like a family. It didn’t seem like that at all. Then it hit me. He doesn’t have a family and this is all he’s got.
“I don’t want to fight, Ray, but…” I paused, “if this is something that you want then we can decorate it.”
“Yes, I want a Christmas tree,” he reminded me.
“No, I mean a family,” I paused, “Let’s work on our family,” I said.
“You,” he paused, “you want a family with me?”
“I believe I do,” I said grudgingly, “but we got things to work on to make this a family.”
“Yeah,” he said, “I know I do.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I know I do too.”
He smiled at me with his towel around his head, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I paused, “even if you do have that stupid looking towel around your head.” He laughed. The first time he had in a long time.
We just looked at each other, the fun left his face. “I thought you had left. Like left, left.” I said.
“No,” he simply added.
No, I don’t want this is all I wanted to say. But my heart kept saying, but I do. That was something I was going to have to get used to.
Out of the stereo from the living room, Jamie plays Petula Clerk. The song that he wanted to hear first is, Happy Heart, an old Andy Williams tune. Happy heart… What does that feel like?