****ing Annabelle
Loving Annabelle came out on DVD today. I had been looking forward to it for DAYS, seriously. I mean, I could hardly wait for this nearly-straight-to-DVD release of girl-on-girl goodness.
Here is the part where all of you failed: As my friends, you are responsible to remind me that 98.99% of all lesbian films are utter and complete horseshit, fit only for the viewing eyes of confused, barely-conscious frat boys, who will skip around for 2 minutes slurring out "whehs da POR-no!" before passing out. Yes, I know that lesbian dramas are supposedly made for lesbians... so am I missing something? Am I somehow the smartest lesbian on earth, therefore the sole homo to realize that "hey, these movies really suck ass!"
Anyway I secretly suspect that Katherine Brooks is, in fact, a straight man who started out his day by saying "hey guys, guys! Wouldn't it be Soooooo funny, and awesome..." and then Loving Annabelle was born.
The basic premise of the film is this: Annabelle is really naughty. She's SO naughty, that she smokes cigarettes defiantly! She also... is... ZOMG!! GAY!!! Her character doesn't need much more development beyond this, because being gay and naughty is really all that you need to create basis and motives for your main protagonist. Then there is Simone Bradley, the teacher. Think: Felicity Huffman making a constant brow-furrowed face, looking slightly down and to the left in heavy contemplation.
Well, for reasons never quite made clear to us, Annabelle and Simone are really into each other. As in, they want to get it on. Nevermind the fact that they have no intellectual connection, no common interests, no shared desires, and their chemistry is 99% Annabelle (who is so smokin' hot, she could have chemistry with a doorknob... hey that sounds like a really good film idea to me).
The reason we are provided with for WHY these two are so hot on each other?? Because they are both lesbians. I shit you not! By this kind of logic, if Dakota Fanning decides to come out next week, she should have a romp in the sack with Lily Tomlin. Cause hey, they're both into chicks, right?! Of course they wanna do it together!
Either way, we never establish that Simone and Annabelle actually do LOVE each other at all. That is why I have decided the more appropriate title for this film is "Fucking Annabelle".
I think the reasons that some lesbians (at least the ones on the imdb ratings) like this movie is because it's one of very very very few homo-films that does not involve at least one ridiculously unrealistic and horrifying scene that makes you go "wtf?!" about the whole movie. Here are my top five most "WTF?!" scenes from lesbian films:
5. Rent - the Wedding party. I know Rent technically isn't a "lesbian" film but this is my list damnit. So there. See, when I saw this movie, I originally thought it was going to paint homos in a GOOD light. You know, make lesbians appear to be decent people? Apparently the bohemians had other plans in mind when they created the Maureen-Joanne fiasco. Hitting on chicks at your own wedding party? That is 525,600 kinds of low class and poor taste.
4. My Summer of Love - Uhm... my sister is a warewolf? And... she is not dead? And... I'm going to drown you? WTF?!! This film just proves what I've said all along: never trust the French.
3. Better than Chocolate - I learned several things from the horrifying WTF scene of this film. First of all, you do not need a GIANT BOX of sex toys for anything (shameless lesbian stereotype moment). Secondly, if you happen to have toys, don't leave them someplace people will find them. Finally, IN WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCKING WORLD DO MOMS USE THEIR DAUGHTER'S DILDOS?!!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTTT THE FUUUUCCCCKKK?!!!
2. Incredible Adventures of Two Girls in Love - Let's go to the hotel! Everyone will follow us! Yes, it's totally realistic! Wow, everyone will show up at the same time, that is so totally logical and it will be HIL-AR-IOUS! What a funny way to end the film! Can you think of anything better? Well nope, neither can I, and I'm tired. Let's just finish the script with that, haha!
1. Lost and Delirious - Jumping off the roof/the swordfight. I would like to put the entire second half of this movie as the #1 WTF moment in Lesbian movie history, but that is just too many scenes for me to comment on. As it is, the laughable "duel" between between Piper Perabo and her girlfriend's male love-interest signaled the climax of my hysterical laughter. This also was the part where I got up to make a sandwich. I returned, sandwich in hand, for the grand finale of her jumping off the roof. LAAAAAAME CHEESE WEAK SAUCE. I expected greater things from girls in hot uniforms, and I watched the first half of the film with my fists clenched as I mumbled "please be good, please be good, come onnnnn don't do that!" Sadly, no matter how much I wished that it would all turn out to be a decent flick, not even Helen Keller could ignore the stupidity of this film's ending.
So there you have it. WTF moments, which Loving Annabelle happened to be lacking. So go and see it, if you please. Just keep in mind that the director's previous projects have been episodes of The Osbournes and The Simple Life. That might help you to not feel pangs of disappointment, as I did. Also see if you can count how many times they use contemplative-bathtub-scenes as dramatic filler. It could be a drinking game!!
Scoring:
Hot chicks in Catholic school uniforms: 9/10
Boobies: 5/10
Girl-on-Girl: 7/10
Film Editing: -8/10
Originality: -4/10
Plot: -6/10
Final Score: 3/10
*Spoiler*
P.s. Just for the sake of pointing this out; to anyone who has actually seen the film. I found the scene at the "dance" to be hilariously bad. When Annabelle goes to play her "song" and Simone has been resisting her all along, but suddenly she can't anymore. Why, did the song move her somehow, so that she couldn't resist her lust any longer? I actually thought when Annabelle was playing that song with the accurately childish lyrics ("I'll shelter you from the storm"?? I wrote the same thing when I was 7) that she seemed even younger than ever. If that had been me, and I had been watching her up there, playing a cheesy song like that, I would have gone "Wait a minute! What the hell is wrong with me... this girl is a fuckin BABY she is like 11 years old emotionally!" But this was exactly what turned Simone on the most!
That is why, if anything, this movie made me think that teacher-student relationships are even more wrong than I previously thought. Not to mention that Simone was all fucked up and abused and abandoned... that doesn't really help the whole "pederasty is love, too" case, either.
Here is the part where all of you failed: As my friends, you are responsible to remind me that 98.99% of all lesbian films are utter and complete horseshit, fit only for the viewing eyes of confused, barely-conscious frat boys, who will skip around for 2 minutes slurring out "whehs da POR-no!" before passing out. Yes, I know that lesbian dramas are supposedly made for lesbians... so am I missing something? Am I somehow the smartest lesbian on earth, therefore the sole homo to realize that "hey, these movies really suck ass!"
Anyway I secretly suspect that Katherine Brooks is, in fact, a straight man who started out his day by saying "hey guys, guys! Wouldn't it be Soooooo funny, and awesome..." and then Loving Annabelle was born.
The basic premise of the film is this: Annabelle is really naughty. She's SO naughty, that she smokes cigarettes defiantly! She also... is... ZOMG!! GAY!!! Her character doesn't need much more development beyond this, because being gay and naughty is really all that you need to create basis and motives for your main protagonist. Then there is Simone Bradley, the teacher. Think: Felicity Huffman making a constant brow-furrowed face, looking slightly down and to the left in heavy contemplation.
Well, for reasons never quite made clear to us, Annabelle and Simone are really into each other. As in, they want to get it on. Nevermind the fact that they have no intellectual connection, no common interests, no shared desires, and their chemistry is 99% Annabelle (who is so smokin' hot, she could have chemistry with a doorknob... hey that sounds like a really good film idea to me).
The reason we are provided with for WHY these two are so hot on each other?? Because they are both lesbians. I shit you not! By this kind of logic, if Dakota Fanning decides to come out next week, she should have a romp in the sack with Lily Tomlin. Cause hey, they're both into chicks, right?! Of course they wanna do it together!
Either way, we never establish that Simone and Annabelle actually do LOVE each other at all. That is why I have decided the more appropriate title for this film is "Fucking Annabelle".
I think the reasons that some lesbians (at least the ones on the imdb ratings) like this movie is because it's one of very very very few homo-films that does not involve at least one ridiculously unrealistic and horrifying scene that makes you go "wtf?!" about the whole movie. Here are my top five most "WTF?!" scenes from lesbian films:
5. Rent - the Wedding party. I know Rent technically isn't a "lesbian" film but this is my list damnit. So there. See, when I saw this movie, I originally thought it was going to paint homos in a GOOD light. You know, make lesbians appear to be decent people? Apparently the bohemians had other plans in mind when they created the Maureen-Joanne fiasco. Hitting on chicks at your own wedding party? That is 525,600 kinds of low class and poor taste.
4. My Summer of Love - Uhm... my sister is a warewolf? And... she is not dead? And... I'm going to drown you? WTF?!! This film just proves what I've said all along: never trust the French.
3. Better than Chocolate - I learned several things from the horrifying WTF scene of this film. First of all, you do not need a GIANT BOX of sex toys for anything (shameless lesbian stereotype moment). Secondly, if you happen to have toys, don't leave them someplace people will find them. Finally, IN WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCKING WORLD DO MOMS USE THEIR DAUGHTER'S DILDOS?!!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTTT THE FUUUUCCCCKKK?!!!
2. Incredible Adventures of Two Girls in Love - Let's go to the hotel! Everyone will follow us! Yes, it's totally realistic! Wow, everyone will show up at the same time, that is so totally logical and it will be HIL-AR-IOUS! What a funny way to end the film! Can you think of anything better? Well nope, neither can I, and I'm tired. Let's just finish the script with that, haha!
1. Lost and Delirious - Jumping off the roof/the swordfight. I would like to put the entire second half of this movie as the #1 WTF moment in Lesbian movie history, but that is just too many scenes for me to comment on. As it is, the laughable "duel" between between Piper Perabo and her girlfriend's male love-interest signaled the climax of my hysterical laughter. This also was the part where I got up to make a sandwich. I returned, sandwich in hand, for the grand finale of her jumping off the roof. LAAAAAAME CHEESE WEAK SAUCE. I expected greater things from girls in hot uniforms, and I watched the first half of the film with my fists clenched as I mumbled "please be good, please be good, come onnnnn don't do that!" Sadly, no matter how much I wished that it would all turn out to be a decent flick, not even Helen Keller could ignore the stupidity of this film's ending.
So there you have it. WTF moments, which Loving Annabelle happened to be lacking. So go and see it, if you please. Just keep in mind that the director's previous projects have been episodes of The Osbournes and The Simple Life. That might help you to not feel pangs of disappointment, as I did. Also see if you can count how many times they use contemplative-bathtub-scenes as dramatic filler. It could be a drinking game!!
Scoring:
Hot chicks in Catholic school uniforms: 9/10
Boobies: 5/10
Girl-on-Girl: 7/10
Film Editing: -8/10
Originality: -4/10
Plot: -6/10
Final Score: 3/10
*Spoiler*
P.s. Just for the sake of pointing this out; to anyone who has actually seen the film. I found the scene at the "dance" to be hilariously bad. When Annabelle goes to play her "song" and Simone has been resisting her all along, but suddenly she can't anymore. Why, did the song move her somehow, so that she couldn't resist her lust any longer? I actually thought when Annabelle was playing that song with the accurately childish lyrics ("I'll shelter you from the storm"?? I wrote the same thing when I was 7) that she seemed even younger than ever. If that had been me, and I had been watching her up there, playing a cheesy song like that, I would have gone "Wait a minute! What the hell is wrong with me... this girl is a fuckin BABY she is like 11 years old emotionally!" But this was exactly what turned Simone on the most!
That is why, if anything, this movie made me think that teacher-student relationships are even more wrong than I previously thought. Not to mention that Simone was all fucked up and abused and abandoned... that doesn't really help the whole "pederasty is love, too" case, either.