There Is No Act more Wretched than Stealing...

[deprivedxchild]

I always figured I would be faced with some sort of tough decision. That had to be something out there more life changing than if I was going to have roast beef or turkey in my sandwich today. People don't do what's good for them. But I really wonder why that is. If it hurts us, why do we do? Why do we continue to follow routine that only causes us more pain day to day? Habit i suppose. Fear of change. Even a fear of uncertainty. Yet for some reason we allow ourselves to fall into this heart breaking routine day after day. You have all the power to change it to. No one is going to feel bad for you because you can;t make your life better, especially when it is in your power to do so. Why does it hurt so much to say goodbye? To push someone away and try to make your life better by saying goodbye to a part of it, even if it did hurt you in such a way. Is it really for the best? Or is that something people say to make someone feel better. Would you want to hear that if you were me? I guess things always do get better though. Time heals everything because in time, you forget. You forget the heartache and replace is with the next best feeling. Yet for some reason you always live with that fear of feeling that same thing again. It is more than what is on the surface. It is time to move on and try to get past this. So why is it so goddamn hard? Why? Why can't i be stronger and not make myself vulnerable? I know there are better things out there for me. I know there is. Why can't i allow myself to think there is something better that I may be deserving of? Am i really worth more than the situation I can;t seem to let go of? Well maybe that's not true. I can let go. I can say good bye to it all and end it. But will I? I'm trying to make everything end in the best way i know how. I want things to be a certain way, but it's not enough for others. So what do you do? The more I think about it more I realize, no, im not ok. THis goes far beyond just relationships. This goes to hurting your supposed best friend. You hurt someone who placed their trust in you. You shattered it, in almost an instant. Maybe i am just over the top right now but goddamn it maybe i have a right to be. Maybe i am making up for how i should have felt earlier. Maybe i am too forgiving like Ive been told. But for some reason i cant help but think that people deserve some kind of chance. People make mistakes but I wish i could have been angry. I wish i could have acted the way i felt. Why do i have to be calm about such crap. I didn;t have to be. ANd this kindness is taken for granted. There is too much misunderstandings on both sides and i think that is the major problem. I use to think we were good at it. the communication thing. And maybe we were, but not when things finally fell apart. There we failed. We did. I couldn;t see through you eyes and you couldn;t see through mine and here we are now wondering what the other person is thinking and still not understaning a freakin word. I need to get over what has happened, because the truth of the matter is, it happened and nothing can change that. SO why bother with it anymore? It feels like I see so much deception now. Im so naivley suaded by innocent facades, and smiling faces. I am too trusting and i see that now. I do believe people are good and that people have good intentions. when things finally go down hill it's like reality decides to slap me in the face and tell me wake up! this is life! people are going to hurt you, even the ones closest to you. I have good friends tho. Many ive had for quite a while and have yet to hurt me in a way such as this. My trust has never been shattered this way. Seriously why do I still go off about it? Maybe I am making up for the lost time. the three months i decided not to vent about it. what good did that do really? nothing. obviously. It's time to forget. But is that really possible? Do you forget what hurts you the most? I had a conversation with my mother today. It was her day off, or well, she took the day off anyway, and we were sitting outside. We watched the grey clouds as they crept up on the sky and before we knew it the sun was gone. My mother looked at me and said do you ever wonder about the world? I looked at her with a quizical look and she continued on. Do you ever wonder about the people in it? The actions of others that take place beyond where we are sitting? The wonder and beauty of it all? Do you ever stop to listen? Smell? See? Feel? I kept looking at her. Her eyebrows were furled, staring off into the distance, not really focusing on anything. She was just thinking. IN that instance she looked older too me. A woman who had lived a life of emotional ups and downs. there are many things she didn;t deserve that happened to her. there are many people who influenced her in ways she shouldn't have experienced. she wasn;t smiling, jjust thinking. then dad called. SHe talked to him for a while. he must have cracked a joke or something because she was laughing. she is happy when they dont fight. she is happy they can be friends. she got off the phone and i looked at her. She asked me, how do i remember my father. I said most of my memories aren;t happy ones. but there are some fond ones. Some that even make me cry when i think about them. In my mind I see my fathers face when he came to watch my basket ball game. I was 11. I had scored the winning basket. sounds like a movie huh? haha. well he was in the bleachers. he took the time out of his day to come see me. And ir emember his face after the ball came bouncing down from the hoop. his eyes were big and his mouth was open in a wide smile. the first thing i did was run over and hug him. I dunno why i remember this so well. I dunno why at all. But i think I willa lways remember it. Unfortunately there are memories more vivid that i wish i could erase. But i can't. But yet you still loves who hurt you. that seems to be the message in my writing. my mother looked at me, as if reading my thoughts, and said i will always love yoyr father. not matter what i will love him dearly. I dont think i am in love with him anymore. But there is still aplace in my heart that only he has. I asked her, how come she never did anything when she knew he was the way he was. she told me she was one of those women. the ones who take it and keep their mouths shut. she told me i wasn't a woman like that. she told me in that sense i was like my father, but she said it was much more fitting since i was a female. im not sure how i felt about her saying that. telling me i was like my father. but in many ways i want to always embrace the ones i love and never take them for granted. i feel that is something that my father failed at in his life. For some reason I can;t help but want to be a bigger person and make things right again. i hope i will in in the future. my mother could. i think i owe it to her to be strong too. however, i don't want to be walked over. you need to know it hurts when people betray your trust. when you are not enough for someone and when their actions cancel out their words. your words are your promises. to break a promise is to break your character and value people see in you. you are as good as your word. it makes you honest. I feel in many ways i am like my mother too. it is so hard to let go of the people you love despite how much they have hurt you. we play the same game day after day in hopes that maybe the outcome will be different one day, but it isn't, not when you fall for the same tricks time after time. I was just watching the kite runner with my mother and samie. even sam seemed interested in it which was a good thing. I feel the movie did the book not justice but it was still a good watch none the less. "There is a way to be good again." it seems to be the message. You can always change things no matter how old you are. you can always start making the right decisions. it's never too late. it's not for anyone. do you understand that? you can mess up all you want. make the same mistake over and over again. it's up to you when you finally decide to make things right. stop hating yourself for your past and start doing something for yourself so you can be happy with the person you are and will become. stop using the past as an excuse. it is not your crutch. you make your own deicisons. now and forever. let's see where this goes. it's time i started making some too i guess. let's work towards the people we want to be  and the futures we want to have. we arejn;t going to go anyway if time repeats itself.

"Now, no matter what the mullah teaches, there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft... When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness... There is no act more wretched than stealing, Amir."