Update....
Hmmm.... I don't even know where to start here. I'm sitting here at Mum's place trying to stop thinking of everything that's going on in my head. I have to work tomorrow and won't be able to hide the huge cut and stitches in my arm. Yep, I cut again, and it's getting worse than it has been for a while. I know that it's not the right thing to do and I got a big lecture from the doctor giving me the stitches at the emergency department, but seriously, it's a way to cope. And I did feel a lot better after doing it. I know it leaves big ugly scars. I know that it doesn't look very nice, and I know that it's not very socially acceptable, but if it helps, then what is so wrong about it?
Sometimes I just feel like I have no other way of coping. The thoughts become too much and it calms me. It distracts me from my thoughts as I am doing it and afterwards when it bleeds I am left with an overwhelming feeling of relief. Sounds stupid and I wish that something else, some other way of coping gave me the same feeling and release, but the truth of the matter is that nothing else even comes close.
So I emailed my friend Shelly the other day and told her everything that was going on in my head. Everything. She hasn't read it yet... and I keep preparing myself for the fact that she may read it and then decide I'm too high maintenance to deal with as other people have done in the past. And although I'm preparing myself I'm hoping she'll be different, because she certainly seems different and I know she wants to help me. I can see it in her eyes. I just hope it's not all too much for her.
Today I feel sad. I don't feel much else, just an overwhelming sadness. Like everything is just too much effort and that life really isn't worth it. My Mum has been extra cautious around me, trying not to say the wrong thing. I can tell she's worried, but I just don't feel comfortable talking to her. We're pretty close, I just don't want to bring her into all this shit. Anyway, I've probably bored you all to death. Enjoy the rest of your weekend guys, stay strong and believe in yourselves!
Sometimes I just feel like I have no other way of coping. The thoughts become too much and it calms me. It distracts me from my thoughts as I am doing it and afterwards when it bleeds I am left with an overwhelming feeling of relief. Sounds stupid and I wish that something else, some other way of coping gave me the same feeling and release, but the truth of the matter is that nothing else even comes close.
So I emailed my friend Shelly the other day and told her everything that was going on in my head. Everything. She hasn't read it yet... and I keep preparing myself for the fact that she may read it and then decide I'm too high maintenance to deal with as other people have done in the past. And although I'm preparing myself I'm hoping she'll be different, because she certainly seems different and I know she wants to help me. I can see it in her eyes. I just hope it's not all too much for her.
Today I feel sad. I don't feel much else, just an overwhelming sadness. Like everything is just too much effort and that life really isn't worth it. My Mum has been extra cautious around me, trying not to say the wrong thing. I can tell she's worried, but I just don't feel comfortable talking to her. We're pretty close, I just don't want to bring her into all this shit. Anyway, I've probably bored you all to death. Enjoy the rest of your weekend guys, stay strong and believe in yourselves!