(no subject)
I joined this community because I need to know that I'm not the only person who doesn't understand anything about myself except the fact that I'm never happy anymore. & right after I make this post I'm quitting this community because my friends don't need to know about the dark place I'm in right now.
I don't really know where to start. I don't know if I should call myself depressed or not. I just don't know. The past year has been hard for me because everything seems to be going wrong, but these past few months have been complete hell. I can't even put into words half of what I'm feeling. I've never been the type to share my feelings & sometimes I get so mad at myself because I feel like such a fake. I act happy & I laugh along with my friends but my heart is never in it. I'm just fooling everyone & I pretend things don't bother me when they really do. I don't really know why I feel the need to hide the fact that I feel like shit but I do. I guess I don't feel like anyone would understand anyway. & what I hate right now is that I sound like I'm whining.
Often I ask myself what the point is. I honestly can't think of a reason why I'm doing this anymore. I sit there and wonder why I put myself through this every day. I think about dying. It's gotten really bad lately and the past two months I've thought about death every day. There are so many reasons why I want to stop living, and every time I think of it I am only filled with relief. I'm tired. I'm done. All I really want to do is say goodbye to everyone and be free. I've thought about suicide countless times but I could never bring myself to do it because I don't want to put my family through that. They're the only reason why I haven't done it and the thought of the pain I could potentially put them through stops me from coming close.
I feel like I'm slipping and there's nothing to hold onto. My grades are terrible. I'm failing a freaking AP class. And the worst part is I don't care. I'm numb. I can't get motivated anymore. I feel like there is absolutely no point to anything I do. I'm distancing myself from my friends and losing interest in everything I used to love. I used to write all the time. I just don't do it anymore. I don't feel like any of my friends really get me, but that's all my own fault because I don't let anyone get close anymore.
I know that something has to be wrong with me. No normal person would say things like this. No normal person would want to die so bad and no normal person would feel so relieved at the thought of death. No normal person would ever injure themselves on purpose.
I can think of one person I want to talk to about this. He's amazing, he really is. We have so much in common. I trust him completely. I know he would never judge me. I know that I can be myself around him and he doesn't care. He appreciates me for who I am. I feel so comfortable around him. I feel like I can talk to him. I absolutely adore him. Yet I do the same thing with him as I do with everyone else. I hide my true feelings and pretend it's okay when it really isn't. Sometimes I want to tell him everything but I'm so afraid of ruining our friendship. It would be such a shock for him and I'm terrified of freaking him out because I can't afford to lose the one bit of sanity left in my life. I know that people say that it helps to talk about it but I don't know if he would ever think of me the same way again. I'm afraid that if he sees how fucked up I really am it will scare him away. And that would kill me.
I used to be really optimistic and I'm not really sure what happened. Sometimes I have enough strength to remind myself that I have a lot of things I need to be thankful for. Sometimes I get really mad at myself because I feel like I'm being ungrateful. I cling to that tiny bit of light, and the precious moments when I can forget, for just a second, everything that makes it hurt so much. As much as I've gone through and however much I feel like I can't go on anymore, I at least have the strength to stick it out. I know that it's not good to think about dying so much but I have made a promise to myself never to take the easy way out. Despite the pain I feel I would never knowingly inflict pain on my family. I just have to remind myself of that more often.
I was reading old entries in my journal tonight (a real one, not online) and I started crying because it brought back a fresh wave of memories and pain. Sometimes I was in such a dark place I'm amazed that I ever found the strength or the will to get through the night. But I did. And I guess that's all I have left to hold onto.
Thanks for listening. I wish everyone here the best. If you ever need to talk, you can email me at everythinghadchanged@hotmail.com.
<3
I don't really know where to start. I don't know if I should call myself depressed or not. I just don't know. The past year has been hard for me because everything seems to be going wrong, but these past few months have been complete hell. I can't even put into words half of what I'm feeling. I've never been the type to share my feelings & sometimes I get so mad at myself because I feel like such a fake. I act happy & I laugh along with my friends but my heart is never in it. I'm just fooling everyone & I pretend things don't bother me when they really do. I don't really know why I feel the need to hide the fact that I feel like shit but I do. I guess I don't feel like anyone would understand anyway. & what I hate right now is that I sound like I'm whining.
Often I ask myself what the point is. I honestly can't think of a reason why I'm doing this anymore. I sit there and wonder why I put myself through this every day. I think about dying. It's gotten really bad lately and the past two months I've thought about death every day. There are so many reasons why I want to stop living, and every time I think of it I am only filled with relief. I'm tired. I'm done. All I really want to do is say goodbye to everyone and be free. I've thought about suicide countless times but I could never bring myself to do it because I don't want to put my family through that. They're the only reason why I haven't done it and the thought of the pain I could potentially put them through stops me from coming close.
I feel like I'm slipping and there's nothing to hold onto. My grades are terrible. I'm failing a freaking AP class. And the worst part is I don't care. I'm numb. I can't get motivated anymore. I feel like there is absolutely no point to anything I do. I'm distancing myself from my friends and losing interest in everything I used to love. I used to write all the time. I just don't do it anymore. I don't feel like any of my friends really get me, but that's all my own fault because I don't let anyone get close anymore.
I know that something has to be wrong with me. No normal person would say things like this. No normal person would want to die so bad and no normal person would feel so relieved at the thought of death. No normal person would ever injure themselves on purpose.
I can think of one person I want to talk to about this. He's amazing, he really is. We have so much in common. I trust him completely. I know he would never judge me. I know that I can be myself around him and he doesn't care. He appreciates me for who I am. I feel so comfortable around him. I feel like I can talk to him. I absolutely adore him. Yet I do the same thing with him as I do with everyone else. I hide my true feelings and pretend it's okay when it really isn't. Sometimes I want to tell him everything but I'm so afraid of ruining our friendship. It would be such a shock for him and I'm terrified of freaking him out because I can't afford to lose the one bit of sanity left in my life. I know that people say that it helps to talk about it but I don't know if he would ever think of me the same way again. I'm afraid that if he sees how fucked up I really am it will scare him away. And that would kill me.
I used to be really optimistic and I'm not really sure what happened. Sometimes I have enough strength to remind myself that I have a lot of things I need to be thankful for. Sometimes I get really mad at myself because I feel like I'm being ungrateful. I cling to that tiny bit of light, and the precious moments when I can forget, for just a second, everything that makes it hurt so much. As much as I've gone through and however much I feel like I can't go on anymore, I at least have the strength to stick it out. I know that it's not good to think about dying so much but I have made a promise to myself never to take the easy way out. Despite the pain I feel I would never knowingly inflict pain on my family. I just have to remind myself of that more often.
I was reading old entries in my journal tonight (a real one, not online) and I started crying because it brought back a fresh wave of memories and pain. Sometimes I was in such a dark place I'm amazed that I ever found the strength or the will to get through the night. But I did. And I guess that's all I have left to hold onto.
Thanks for listening. I wish everyone here the best. If you ever need to talk, you can email me at everythinghadchanged@hotmail.com.
<3