Once i had the world. Now i got no one.
4-23-2009
------------
I left home at 8-9am i don't really remember i know i delayed myself from leaving at 4am because i was lazy. I tried 6am and figured fuck it cuz carry said if i was to visit i had to go during the afternoon cuz her morning was a bit booked. I figured... 8am... would put me in jacksonville around 3pm.
Halfway thru the trip i got news that needless to say was NOT what i would've EVER in my wildest dreams imagined happening this day. The news i won't dicuss because its of private matters and need not consern anyone but point is i was unable to see carry. The news broke me apart inside to the point i just slammed my foot down on that 2009 avenger to the point the engine sounded like it was going to fall apart.
I ended up getting stopped 2-3 times by the cops from that point to jacksonville. Each time i showed them my work badge and pretty much told them to suck me. When i got to jacksonville i looked around the town and i was amazed by it for a while 3.5 seconds. i spun around the downtown and then it was time for me to find a place to stay.
I called carry and had her help me with that it was awsome she got me the info right away and got me a place to stay. I pulled out to the emptiest hotel ever. It had a weird vibe. Either way i got my room for the night. I knew the news i had gotten from carry was one i couldn't even begin to comprehend and while i could try to be there for her there was technically nothing i could do. i was powerless and helpless. It fucking sucked to feel so helpless yet so whilling to help. The only thing i could do was honor her wishes.
I ended up going to a near by Wendy's and while i sat there i remember i had a contact in jacksonville. duhhhh!!! -so i texted her n told her my situation as far as place to stay and it felt creepy. Shortly after that i got the response of... "OMFG UR IN THE GHETTO JESUS!!! DUN STAY THERE!!!!"
ROFL! i have never hauled ass back to a hotel and cancelled my reservations like i did. I went and ended up picking her up and we went to what was "the funnest place in jacksonville." ----FUNNEST. omg it looked the the equivalent of like... a mcdonalds ball crawl meets chuckecheese. I swear i thought i was in a retarted version of a chuckiecheese here in miami.
They had DDR so u can technically say i drove 6+ hours to DDR in the shittiest place on the planet. hah. Ok ok im exaggerating. The truth was that i was horribly consumed by the news carry gave me. I actually felt like shit, i wasn't DDRing right i couldn't focus on anything. Honestly i just felt like shit. I was so angry at the fact someone is capable of such an act.
Point is i said i was sorry to my contact n told them i had to go. I went back to the hotel room threw myself in the sofa and just cried. Leave it to me to be emotional over something i am powerless to help. The truth i prolly would've had an amazing time at the shittiest place in jacksonville if i didn't have what carry had told me in my mind and i was with her.
I turned on the TV and i started talking to myself. "Typical way of life fucking me over. -so typical. -ud figured i would be used to it by now." "whats that? no other way of screwing me over? -sure i can think or some more, have my credit cards de-magnetize, my rental break down, my cellphone explode, keep it coming what does it all matter ey? -figures ud fuck me over in the only thing that would've mattered for me on this trip n thats spending time with carry. thanks. i owe u one." "gg. life."
-i sighed and turned on the TV to Hell's Kitchen.
My stomach rumbled but its not like it mattered i had been puking since carry gave me the news of what happened and how upset and pissed i was. I just took a burning hot shower and went to bed, i just wanted to fade, the silence in the room i was staying at was bone shattering. Eventually thru my madness i got a phone call from carry. I closed my eyes and went to sleep. Oddly enough i felt so much comfort in knowing she was on the phone with me and safe compared to the earlier events. We talked for a bit and eventually we both went to sleep on the phone.
I kept waking up every 20-30 mins to check and see if she was still there, if the call hadn't dropped if she was breathing ok and such. She had spent enough of the day crying. I kept trying to talk to her and trying my best to get her to relax. Granted i fail i was still trying. Point is i stayed with her on the phone from like 10pm or so til about 9-10am the next day?
4-24-2009
------------
I checked out and went straight to orlando. I was supposed to see if tanya wanted to have lunch since i was close to ocala anyways but i figured i wouldn't bother her. Things haven't been the best with her lately and i rather evade any problems with her or impose on her etc.. etc..
I went to the same clarion hotel i stayed with alberto/steph/kara n shit when we went to horronights. I took a shower got dressed and went out to bahama breeze. I was hoping to meet up with the same waitress we had at horronights but that was wishful thinking. I wanted to say hi and ask how her baby was doing and how her life had been since horronights. -granted im sure she wouldn't remember a damn thing about me thats just how i am i think about everyone.
Instead i went to bahama breeze and was greeted by a waitress who was trying to hit on me and every other word out of her mouth was... yes sweetheart, no sweetheart, ok sweetheart, is everything ok sweetheart, need anything else sweetheart?.... etc.. etc.. and fucking like angling her body to get next ot me n shit. She started telling me her life story n shit... So creepy. I tried calling carry and texting her because the creepy vibe was thru the roof. LOL!
I left from there and went back to the hotel. Room 626. I got back into bed and thought to myself... this is why im glad i don't live alone, because i know the silence would break me. I got up and looked out the window to the people in the pool and the hot tubs and thought how they where clueless to the madness going on in the hotel room i was staying in.
Eventually i got hungry and ordered chicken parm from the same place we had ordered from at horronights. Took them forever to bring it but it was good. The guy who delivered my food looked sad/depressed and i just gave him a 10 dollar tip. He was shocked.
I ate my food and figured... oh well... atleast i can try to make someone elses day.
I spoke to tanya a bit thru texts and carry ended up calling me a bit after that.
I don't know why but every time i speak with carry i end up in bed. lol! so yeah.... we ended up doing the same thing as the night before except we had to call back each other a few times during the night because of dropped calls.
4-25-2009
------------
Ended up finally getting out of bed around 11-12. I got up more so because i was going to have breakfast... all the food i had been eatting from the days before i had been puking still. I knew i needed food because dispite all that was going on my body could only tollerate being empty for so long. I ended up having breakfast at the same time as carry pretty much lol!
I finished and decided to drive around while i waitted for carry to finish. I had come up with the idea of me and carry watching twilight by both "pressing play" at the same time. hahaha. Yeah corny i know but i thought it was cute and would give us something to do that would be nice.
We never finished watching the movie lol! she was tired and i was half gone too. I don't know why but her voice knocks me out.
I went back out and had dinner at kobe and sat next to 3 book writters. LOL! yes... i socialized with people who write books and they where socializing with someone who hates picking up hardcopy. lol! So we got into a discussion of hardcopy or text-typed books and i told them i liked digi books better because it made it easier for me to read and i could read it faster / and comprehend it better than hardcopy. (yes im weird stfu. lol)
So we talked thru the whole dinner service and i also had my phone on aim talking to Xikius the whole time. Which reminds me.... xiki ur the best missy! thanks for the company when i was freaking out and emo. I have never ever had such a nice time talking to someone on aim like i did with u. :D And yes.... fried ice cream is nummmyyy... :D i took a pic of it too it was fucking epic! it was the size of a fucking softball. the whole meal came out to like... 55 bucks for me only. lol! -it was worth every penny.
-And yes i know i still owe u that horde necklace. don't think ive forgotten. Ill talk to you about it when i finish this blog.
I still laugh about you asking "why" i was getting it for u. lol! I love how i worded my response too... "no i don't want in ur pants, no im not trying to sweep you off ur feet, and i have no real reason" lol!
Anyways i went back to the hotel and people i was talkign too bashed me hard about who i am, how i always get fucked, how i always look for the best in people and people always shaft me. etc.. etc...
I don't mind if u insult the way i look, how i act, or anything of the sorts. Theres only 1 way u can insult me that will hurt me and thats if u insult my character. I don't have a reason for trying to be a "nice guy" or be there for people outside of hoping for the best for them. Sadly yes i know this gets me fucked over. More and more as the days pass but it doesn't mean i am going to change the kind of person i am.
At the end of the day if i help 1 person out of the 80 that shaft me, i will be happy. Thats just how i am. Im not going to change and i don't need you to make me feel like shit or a horrible person because i myself an miserable. If im miserable i like keeping my misery to myself. If ill hurt, ill hurt alone, i don't need u to get it and rub it in my face like sand.
You know who u are. thank you for making me feel like shit. You picked the perfect time to do it too cuz i was fucking naturally hurting as it was from the loneliness u fucking fuck. -ull get yours tho... ill make sure ull get yours.
Carry had friends over and they spend the night drinking and playing drunken twister n shit so i didn't get to hear her on the phone while i slept so needless to say i was unable to sleep. Scary. I never thought that was possible but apparently hearing her snore and breathe heavily was extremely helpful in helping me get to sleep those past 2 nights.
I woke up at around 3-4am automatically reached over for my phone texted her a "i hope your ok good night" and passed out again.
4-26-2009
------------
woke up at 6am. called carry 2 calls straight to voice mail. I texted amber, i was supposed to stop by naples to see her but she ended up forgetting she had family over. lol! I called carry again heard her mummble a few things because she was asleep so that helped me relax. I just wanted to know she was safe.
I didn't sleep any because i kept thinking about carry and wondering if she was ok. hah. leave it to me to worry, but needless to say these past few days gave me good reasons to be worried.
I packed up checked out and gassed up. I wanted to come home. The silence had broken me enough and i just felt like crap. I still do. Even now typing away at my desk i can't help but feel phased about these 4 days.
Theres so much on my mind that i can't make any sense of it. Me and alberto are going to Kobe maybe it will help me think. I just don't want to stop doing things because if i stop i know how i am and i will lock myself in a depressive fuck hole that will cripple me and i don't want that.
In a few days all will be forgotten, nothing will bother me. Thats why when im down the best thing is to keep me busy and thinking because once a few days pass ill be over it all. Now give me time to think on it... and yeah. gg. locked in it forever.
Point is... i have alot on my mind right now. -Questions i wish i could answer myself.
anyways... im home. To Kobe. Bai.
------------
I left home at 8-9am i don't really remember i know i delayed myself from leaving at 4am because i was lazy. I tried 6am and figured fuck it cuz carry said if i was to visit i had to go during the afternoon cuz her morning was a bit booked. I figured... 8am... would put me in jacksonville around 3pm.
Halfway thru the trip i got news that needless to say was NOT what i would've EVER in my wildest dreams imagined happening this day. The news i won't dicuss because its of private matters and need not consern anyone but point is i was unable to see carry. The news broke me apart inside to the point i just slammed my foot down on that 2009 avenger to the point the engine sounded like it was going to fall apart.
I ended up getting stopped 2-3 times by the cops from that point to jacksonville. Each time i showed them my work badge and pretty much told them to suck me. When i got to jacksonville i looked around the town and i was amazed by it for a while 3.5 seconds. i spun around the downtown and then it was time for me to find a place to stay.
I called carry and had her help me with that it was awsome she got me the info right away and got me a place to stay. I pulled out to the emptiest hotel ever. It had a weird vibe. Either way i got my room for the night. I knew the news i had gotten from carry was one i couldn't even begin to comprehend and while i could try to be there for her there was technically nothing i could do. i was powerless and helpless. It fucking sucked to feel so helpless yet so whilling to help. The only thing i could do was honor her wishes.
I ended up going to a near by Wendy's and while i sat there i remember i had a contact in jacksonville. duhhhh!!! -so i texted her n told her my situation as far as place to stay and it felt creepy. Shortly after that i got the response of... "OMFG UR IN THE GHETTO JESUS!!! DUN STAY THERE!!!!"
ROFL! i have never hauled ass back to a hotel and cancelled my reservations like i did. I went and ended up picking her up and we went to what was "the funnest place in jacksonville." ----FUNNEST. omg it looked the the equivalent of like... a mcdonalds ball crawl meets chuckecheese. I swear i thought i was in a retarted version of a chuckiecheese here in miami.
They had DDR so u can technically say i drove 6+ hours to DDR in the shittiest place on the planet. hah. Ok ok im exaggerating. The truth was that i was horribly consumed by the news carry gave me. I actually felt like shit, i wasn't DDRing right i couldn't focus on anything. Honestly i just felt like shit. I was so angry at the fact someone is capable of such an act.
Point is i said i was sorry to my contact n told them i had to go. I went back to the hotel room threw myself in the sofa and just cried. Leave it to me to be emotional over something i am powerless to help. The truth i prolly would've had an amazing time at the shittiest place in jacksonville if i didn't have what carry had told me in my mind and i was with her.
I turned on the TV and i started talking to myself. "Typical way of life fucking me over. -so typical. -ud figured i would be used to it by now." "whats that? no other way of screwing me over? -sure i can think or some more, have my credit cards de-magnetize, my rental break down, my cellphone explode, keep it coming what does it all matter ey? -figures ud fuck me over in the only thing that would've mattered for me on this trip n thats spending time with carry. thanks. i owe u one." "gg. life."
-i sighed and turned on the TV to Hell's Kitchen.
My stomach rumbled but its not like it mattered i had been puking since carry gave me the news of what happened and how upset and pissed i was. I just took a burning hot shower and went to bed, i just wanted to fade, the silence in the room i was staying at was bone shattering. Eventually thru my madness i got a phone call from carry. I closed my eyes and went to sleep. Oddly enough i felt so much comfort in knowing she was on the phone with me and safe compared to the earlier events. We talked for a bit and eventually we both went to sleep on the phone.
I kept waking up every 20-30 mins to check and see if she was still there, if the call hadn't dropped if she was breathing ok and such. She had spent enough of the day crying. I kept trying to talk to her and trying my best to get her to relax. Granted i fail i was still trying. Point is i stayed with her on the phone from like 10pm or so til about 9-10am the next day?
4-24-2009
------------
I checked out and went straight to orlando. I was supposed to see if tanya wanted to have lunch since i was close to ocala anyways but i figured i wouldn't bother her. Things haven't been the best with her lately and i rather evade any problems with her or impose on her etc.. etc..
I went to the same clarion hotel i stayed with alberto/steph/kara n shit when we went to horronights. I took a shower got dressed and went out to bahama breeze. I was hoping to meet up with the same waitress we had at horronights but that was wishful thinking. I wanted to say hi and ask how her baby was doing and how her life had been since horronights. -granted im sure she wouldn't remember a damn thing about me thats just how i am i think about everyone.
Instead i went to bahama breeze and was greeted by a waitress who was trying to hit on me and every other word out of her mouth was... yes sweetheart, no sweetheart, ok sweetheart, is everything ok sweetheart, need anything else sweetheart?.... etc.. etc.. and fucking like angling her body to get next ot me n shit. She started telling me her life story n shit... So creepy. I tried calling carry and texting her because the creepy vibe was thru the roof. LOL!
I left from there and went back to the hotel. Room 626. I got back into bed and thought to myself... this is why im glad i don't live alone, because i know the silence would break me. I got up and looked out the window to the people in the pool and the hot tubs and thought how they where clueless to the madness going on in the hotel room i was staying in.
Eventually i got hungry and ordered chicken parm from the same place we had ordered from at horronights. Took them forever to bring it but it was good. The guy who delivered my food looked sad/depressed and i just gave him a 10 dollar tip. He was shocked.
I ate my food and figured... oh well... atleast i can try to make someone elses day.
I spoke to tanya a bit thru texts and carry ended up calling me a bit after that.
I don't know why but every time i speak with carry i end up in bed. lol! so yeah.... we ended up doing the same thing as the night before except we had to call back each other a few times during the night because of dropped calls.
4-25-2009
------------
Ended up finally getting out of bed around 11-12. I got up more so because i was going to have breakfast... all the food i had been eatting from the days before i had been puking still. I knew i needed food because dispite all that was going on my body could only tollerate being empty for so long. I ended up having breakfast at the same time as carry pretty much lol!
I finished and decided to drive around while i waitted for carry to finish. I had come up with the idea of me and carry watching twilight by both "pressing play" at the same time. hahaha. Yeah corny i know but i thought it was cute and would give us something to do that would be nice.
We never finished watching the movie lol! she was tired and i was half gone too. I don't know why but her voice knocks me out.
I went back out and had dinner at kobe and sat next to 3 book writters. LOL! yes... i socialized with people who write books and they where socializing with someone who hates picking up hardcopy. lol! So we got into a discussion of hardcopy or text-typed books and i told them i liked digi books better because it made it easier for me to read and i could read it faster / and comprehend it better than hardcopy. (yes im weird stfu. lol)
So we talked thru the whole dinner service and i also had my phone on aim talking to Xikius the whole time. Which reminds me.... xiki ur the best missy! thanks for the company when i was freaking out and emo. I have never ever had such a nice time talking to someone on aim like i did with u. :D And yes.... fried ice cream is nummmyyy... :D i took a pic of it too it was fucking epic! it was the size of a fucking softball. the whole meal came out to like... 55 bucks for me only. lol! -it was worth every penny.
-And yes i know i still owe u that horde necklace. don't think ive forgotten. Ill talk to you about it when i finish this blog.
I still laugh about you asking "why" i was getting it for u. lol! I love how i worded my response too... "no i don't want in ur pants, no im not trying to sweep you off ur feet, and i have no real reason" lol!
Anyways i went back to the hotel and people i was talkign too bashed me hard about who i am, how i always get fucked, how i always look for the best in people and people always shaft me. etc.. etc...
I don't mind if u insult the way i look, how i act, or anything of the sorts. Theres only 1 way u can insult me that will hurt me and thats if u insult my character. I don't have a reason for trying to be a "nice guy" or be there for people outside of hoping for the best for them. Sadly yes i know this gets me fucked over. More and more as the days pass but it doesn't mean i am going to change the kind of person i am.
At the end of the day if i help 1 person out of the 80 that shaft me, i will be happy. Thats just how i am. Im not going to change and i don't need you to make me feel like shit or a horrible person because i myself an miserable. If im miserable i like keeping my misery to myself. If ill hurt, ill hurt alone, i don't need u to get it and rub it in my face like sand.
You know who u are. thank you for making me feel like shit. You picked the perfect time to do it too cuz i was fucking naturally hurting as it was from the loneliness u fucking fuck. -ull get yours tho... ill make sure ull get yours.
Carry had friends over and they spend the night drinking and playing drunken twister n shit so i didn't get to hear her on the phone while i slept so needless to say i was unable to sleep. Scary. I never thought that was possible but apparently hearing her snore and breathe heavily was extremely helpful in helping me get to sleep those past 2 nights.
I woke up at around 3-4am automatically reached over for my phone texted her a "i hope your ok good night" and passed out again.
4-26-2009
------------
woke up at 6am. called carry 2 calls straight to voice mail. I texted amber, i was supposed to stop by naples to see her but she ended up forgetting she had family over. lol! I called carry again heard her mummble a few things because she was asleep so that helped me relax. I just wanted to know she was safe.
I didn't sleep any because i kept thinking about carry and wondering if she was ok. hah. leave it to me to worry, but needless to say these past few days gave me good reasons to be worried.
I packed up checked out and gassed up. I wanted to come home. The silence had broken me enough and i just felt like crap. I still do. Even now typing away at my desk i can't help but feel phased about these 4 days.
Theres so much on my mind that i can't make any sense of it. Me and alberto are going to Kobe maybe it will help me think. I just don't want to stop doing things because if i stop i know how i am and i will lock myself in a depressive fuck hole that will cripple me and i don't want that.
In a few days all will be forgotten, nothing will bother me. Thats why when im down the best thing is to keep me busy and thinking because once a few days pass ill be over it all. Now give me time to think on it... and yeah. gg. locked in it forever.
Point is... i have alot on my mind right now. -Questions i wish i could answer myself.
anyways... im home. To Kobe. Bai.