Fuck fuck fuck...up...
I hardly ever use this account anymore..mainly because moving away from home opened me up to actual real life, fleshy friends who I could talk or cry to on such an accassion like the one I find myself in now...
However most of those poor devoted souls have moved back to their homelands...
and here I stay.
I am in one of those "the world/my life sucks" moments...which as anyone else who blogs is all very self centred...but good to get it out of the system.
Since finishing Uni on the 23rd of May....what have I done:
*Applied for any job going.
*Ate through an unhealthy amount of food.
*Slept.
*After doscovering some Gin...pickled my liver.
Matt came to visit yesterday. Me, him and Helen met at Evil Eye and had a scrumptious meal. Helen had to leave to apply for a job or other so me and Matt carried on drinking and chatting. We decided to go see Indiana Jones...which anyone who appreciates the art of film would agree it was a big fat joke of a film and I can't believe I paid to see it!
Anyway all was fine...until Matt realised he had missed the last bus back to Hull. So, he stayed at mine, and I really didn't mind offering because I'd missed how much fun we had together, that was until bed time came.
I know I am to blame just as much as he is, as we never knew each other as friends in the first place but we reverted to the way we were, as in cuddling, nothing else.
However then came the awkward silences...and the sound of heart beats. Nothing happened of any significance really. I just, for that moment felt so happy and protected, but then I remembered who it was.
That sounds awful, I know. I do care for Matt alot, but I don't think I love him. Everytime I closed my eyes to try and sleep I kept having visions of me, with some man in the future I've not met yet.
Matt asked me if he moved to York whether we'd give it another go. How could I answer?
I said that I never imagined him moving here, I mean he is such a home boy and there is nothing wrong with that but I never imagined it being a possibilty...and what f it doesn't work out? I would be left feeling guilty again...he is looking tme to say yes or no, but I hate the responsibility of that.
But then I think:
Do I love him? Who knows what it feels like..and he is the only man who has and does truely know me, inside and out. How could I walk away from that?
Saying that though, surely if he is the one I want then I wouldn't be so hesitant and unsure?
Part of me just wants to cut him out of my life, so that I am not wasting hours thinking about him, worrying whether he is ok.
The other part just wants to hold on to him for dear life.
My head feels like it is going to explode with all the 'ifs' and 'buts'.
I have been through so much in the months that have passed since the break up and I think I have changed-become more mature. more responsible.
Yes I still beat myself up about how it ended, I feel guilty because I never accepted I was the one he needed. I treated him so badly and the thing that kills me is that I know he will never say a bad word against me, and I wish he would. I wish he had slapped me this morning when he left. Atleast that way I would have some certainty.
For a second I was so tempted just to kiss him, hug him and tell him I want to be with him. But what use would that serve? We'd go back to seeing each other just at weekends, I would get annoyed again at just how understanding he is and get angry with his lack of passion for anything but me and beer. He never says anything, he never speaks his mind, and the one time he does is when I have moved on...
So today I have been filled with guilt and tears that I let loose on mum when she called. I just want to run, just go anywhere and get shit faced with my friends. I know this won't help in anyway, but atleast I would have some kind of release rather than spending days on end couped up in this house, eating shit, watching shit and talking it to potential employers!
This my friends is what pyschologists refer to as "hit rock bottom". FUCK.
The only thing that is distracting me is the telly.. mainly Dr Who. I cried, actually sobbed at tonights episode. I don't know why the stories resonate with me so much. Lets face it, not all the scripts are that brilliant, and some episodes have verged on just plain campness.
Meh anyway
x
However most of those poor devoted souls have moved back to their homelands...
and here I stay.
I am in one of those "the world/my life sucks" moments...which as anyone else who blogs is all very self centred...but good to get it out of the system.
Since finishing Uni on the 23rd of May....what have I done:
*Applied for any job going.
*Ate through an unhealthy amount of food.
*Slept.
*After doscovering some Gin...pickled my liver.
Matt came to visit yesterday. Me, him and Helen met at Evil Eye and had a scrumptious meal. Helen had to leave to apply for a job or other so me and Matt carried on drinking and chatting. We decided to go see Indiana Jones...which anyone who appreciates the art of film would agree it was a big fat joke of a film and I can't believe I paid to see it!
Anyway all was fine...until Matt realised he had missed the last bus back to Hull. So, he stayed at mine, and I really didn't mind offering because I'd missed how much fun we had together, that was until bed time came.
I know I am to blame just as much as he is, as we never knew each other as friends in the first place but we reverted to the way we were, as in cuddling, nothing else.
However then came the awkward silences...and the sound of heart beats. Nothing happened of any significance really. I just, for that moment felt so happy and protected, but then I remembered who it was.
That sounds awful, I know. I do care for Matt alot, but I don't think I love him. Everytime I closed my eyes to try and sleep I kept having visions of me, with some man in the future I've not met yet.
Matt asked me if he moved to York whether we'd give it another go. How could I answer?
I said that I never imagined him moving here, I mean he is such a home boy and there is nothing wrong with that but I never imagined it being a possibilty...and what f it doesn't work out? I would be left feeling guilty again...he is looking tme to say yes or no, but I hate the responsibility of that.
But then I think:
Do I love him? Who knows what it feels like..and he is the only man who has and does truely know me, inside and out. How could I walk away from that?
Saying that though, surely if he is the one I want then I wouldn't be so hesitant and unsure?
Part of me just wants to cut him out of my life, so that I am not wasting hours thinking about him, worrying whether he is ok.
The other part just wants to hold on to him for dear life.
My head feels like it is going to explode with all the 'ifs' and 'buts'.
I have been through so much in the months that have passed since the break up and I think I have changed-become more mature. more responsible.
Yes I still beat myself up about how it ended, I feel guilty because I never accepted I was the one he needed. I treated him so badly and the thing that kills me is that I know he will never say a bad word against me, and I wish he would. I wish he had slapped me this morning when he left. Atleast that way I would have some certainty.
For a second I was so tempted just to kiss him, hug him and tell him I want to be with him. But what use would that serve? We'd go back to seeing each other just at weekends, I would get annoyed again at just how understanding he is and get angry with his lack of passion for anything but me and beer. He never says anything, he never speaks his mind, and the one time he does is when I have moved on...
So today I have been filled with guilt and tears that I let loose on mum when she called. I just want to run, just go anywhere and get shit faced with my friends. I know this won't help in anyway, but atleast I would have some kind of release rather than spending days on end couped up in this house, eating shit, watching shit and talking it to potential employers!
This my friends is what pyschologists refer to as "hit rock bottom". FUCK.
The only thing that is distracting me is the telly.. mainly Dr Who. I cried, actually sobbed at tonights episode. I don't know why the stories resonate with me so much. Lets face it, not all the scripts are that brilliant, and some episodes have verged on just plain campness.
Meh anyway
x