(no subject)
School is almost over. Thank god. But even though finals are next week, it doesn't really feel like it finals time. I don't know why, but that's how I feel. I mean, when I try to study, I can't concentrate on what I'm doing, so I give up and do something else instead. I think it's because I know no matter how much I try to get decent grades, it just doesn't happen. I don't feel super motivated to study because I know I won't pull a GPA higher than a 3.0 this quarter, and the research program that I'm in requires a GPA higher than that. I'm already on probation because my GPA is a 2.89. It's not the greatest in the world and I'm not the smartest person, but don't these people remember how hard Calculus is? Or how hard other science classes can be? The research directors act as if they had never taken these classes before and expect you to excel in every subject. I expect to do well in most of classes, too, but stuff happens and you fail one or two classes. What can you do? All you can do is repeat the class and get a better grade, although getting a new brain might be nice.
Luis is contributing to all of this too. Indirectly, but he is. Everytime I want to talk to him about "us" we get interrupted and when we plan to have dinner, it never works out. On Tuesday, for example, he wanted to eat at Souplantation. I was gladly going to take him, but he changed his mind because he didn't want to eat too much. So we went to some burrito place a few minutes from campus. On our way back, his phone rang non-stop. We couldn't have a conversation longer that two minutes. After the third call, I got fed up. To make matters worse, I couldn't find parking, so I was going around and around, till I gave up and parked in Faculty parking. He told me to move so I wouldn't get a ticket. I backout, and go back to Student parking. When I say there was no parking, it's because there was absolutely no parking. And no one was leaving either. By this time, I was just a bit mad. Ugh, and his stupid phone kept ringing. It was some girl telling him to meet her and their friend outside the PS building. So I'm trying to find a place to park, and he's telling he doesn't want to walk too much because he was getting over the flu and he had to meet these people. I pulled-over in the parking lot, gave him our food and drinks and told him to leave. I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled away super upset and parked in Faculty parking anyway.
During break, I'm going to call him and tell him that we need to have a semi-serious conversation. I'll tell him everything. If he doesn't want to speak to me ever again, fine. If he doesn't want to see me ever again, fine. But from now on, no more kissing or anything related to that. Hugging, maybe, but I don't know. I just don't want to keep hoping for something that's not there. I give up. Truly, I give up. My theory about being single all my life might be true.