lost and losing

[depot]

You know how sometimes the words just have to spill out of you? You read too much, you talk too much, you listen too much or is it just enough?, you don't talk enough, you think too often, you let others think for you too much, you float around too much, you don't think, you don't care, you let things happen. You let things get to you. There are no words. There are not enough words. Everything swirls around. You become what you see. YOU ARE LOST. What is to become of you? I feel on the outs. I can talk until my eyes fall out but it makes me feel worse. I don't understand. Why should not caring and letting things go, letting things happen make me feel this way? Why am I so easily influenced by those around me? Both for good traits and bad? I don't understand I feel so lost. In an oblivion. I can't sleep. Sometimes I think I have insomnia but then I used to be able to sleep for days. I can't tell if its the caffeine or a problem. Maybe I'm magnifying what I am reading. What I am seeing. What I am doing. Why do I feel this way? I think something is wrong. Everything is temporary. Not that I want to be dead; I just don't want to do anything. I would rather just let everything happen and sit and watch. A spectator in the game of life. Is this a standard? Should it be? I don't even care. I don't want to do the work. I just want the outcome. Can't I just skip to the end? If I get there, will I even feel any different? Maybe its a sense of hopelessness. But its not all the time, its only sometimes. Sometimes I am elated and motivated and ready to do things. I do not want to work at my job forever. It sucks. But today I made peace with it and now, so much I don't care anymore. I'll go and do it. Whatever. Why is it that I assimilate to the values of people I spend so much time with? I appreciate them for them, but then I acquire their traits, their values, their characteristics. Why do I have to be so motivated and accompanied to do anything? I didn't used to be like that. I feel like I am quite independent, but so alone in that. Why are my moods so affected by the actions or non actions of others? I am passive. I'm tired of analyzing myself. I just want to do what I want to do. I don't want to anticipate how I will react or think about the things that I like, I just am. I just do. I am everything and I am nothing. I am indescribable. Undefined. I am not like my relations. I am a strong type B. I mean I never understood the people that needed to take time off to find themselves or figure things out, but I think perhaps I may end up one of those people that perplex me so.

I don't know why if this is the best relationship I've ever had that I feel so doubtful about it/myself sometimes.

idk

maybe I could just use a fucking drink.