STRESS.
Blargh. I'm high stress. I don't know how many of you have noticed that over the years, but I really, really am. I'm also high maintenance because of it, but that's another story entirely. I will stress out and worry about the most insane things. While I don't quite hyperventilate, it can be debilitating sometimes, because I go into blind panics. I have to do x. I have to do x. I have to do x. I focus on things, and can't move away from them. I have a mentality of "if I don't do it, no one will," and I have had it all my life.
Anxiety. Stars, have I had that. All the same stuff mentioned above is part of that, really. I can't get anything done well enough, fast enough... I swear, I'm just a mess. It's part of the reason Joel was a stay-at-home spouse for so long. I needed someone to keep me sane, and that person would get so much stress from me that they really couldn't juggle that and the stress of a job.
My self esteem and self image are way better than they were when they were a child, and that's all Joel's doing. Still, though, enough of you know how quick I am with a "no I'm not," or "you're just saying that." I'm starting to believe what other people see in me, but it's very hard to see it in myself. It's a slow process, that's for certain.
I had a psychologist when I was younger, but that did little good. I'd go in for a session, and then she'd pull in Gran and we'd go over everything. Thus, I was afraid to tell her anything, because the session was for the two of us together, and thus I didn't know if the client privacy thing worked, since we went in to RESOLVE problems... that I, well, didn't want to admit to my Grandmother about.
So nothing got resolved. And I moved into adulthood more high stressed than any kid ever had a reason to be. I know a good chunk of that has to do with just how bad my genetics are, as my whole family has so many issues, especially my father, who is diagnosed with a handful of mental disorders. This also has to do with the fact that I never had a release, and never allowed such release, of the stress, fears, and tensions.
Sometimes I kind of wish I had been given psychologist appointments without Gran, or maybe sent to some kind of camp, or stress management class, or something. I don't know if they had things like that ten years ago, but it seems they certainly do now. A program like Kick Out Stress, maybe, that works with building teen self confidence and helping them cope with anger and depression. Something like that could have done me a world of good, when I was younger. Heck, something like that would probably do well for me even now. I'm working on my faults, though, and sooner or later I'll find the polished stone beneath all these rough edges. Right? ^_^
But yea, that really was my life... still is.
Anxiety. Stars, have I had that. All the same stuff mentioned above is part of that, really. I can't get anything done well enough, fast enough... I swear, I'm just a mess. It's part of the reason Joel was a stay-at-home spouse for so long. I needed someone to keep me sane, and that person would get so much stress from me that they really couldn't juggle that and the stress of a job.
My self esteem and self image are way better than they were when they were a child, and that's all Joel's doing. Still, though, enough of you know how quick I am with a "no I'm not," or "you're just saying that." I'm starting to believe what other people see in me, but it's very hard to see it in myself. It's a slow process, that's for certain.
I had a psychologist when I was younger, but that did little good. I'd go in for a session, and then she'd pull in Gran and we'd go over everything. Thus, I was afraid to tell her anything, because the session was for the two of us together, and thus I didn't know if the client privacy thing worked, since we went in to RESOLVE problems... that I, well, didn't want to admit to my Grandmother about.
So nothing got resolved. And I moved into adulthood more high stressed than any kid ever had a reason to be. I know a good chunk of that has to do with just how bad my genetics are, as my whole family has so many issues, especially my father, who is diagnosed with a handful of mental disorders. This also has to do with the fact that I never had a release, and never allowed such release, of the stress, fears, and tensions.
Sometimes I kind of wish I had been given psychologist appointments without Gran, or maybe sent to some kind of camp, or stress management class, or something. I don't know if they had things like that ten years ago, but it seems they certainly do now. A program like Kick Out Stress, maybe, that works with building teen self confidence and helping them cope with anger and depression. Something like that could have done me a world of good, when I was younger. Heck, something like that would probably do well for me even now. I'm working on my faults, though, and sooner or later I'll find the polished stone beneath all these rough edges. Right? ^_^
But yea, that really was my life... still is.