(no subject)
im gonna right a long journal entry that im gonna be a huge hypocrit about and ill prob contradict myself 8 times
im really upset today and yesterday for who knows why and its not pms as laura always keeps asking me "oh erin i bet its that time of the month" and im like no no its not why cant i be upset and just not be hyper for once and maybe one day not be happy and then its automatically pms or im depressed i just wasnt in the mood to be hyper last night i was so tired im always tired on a friday after a week of sports and school its long and tiresome to everyone
friday in health i walked over to matt g and they were taling about who he hangs out with to jess straus and this kid harry who were in his health group and he was like erin whose your group and i said i dont have one sure i have closer friends but i dont have one specific group im labeled to like the frutacious five or whatever cause i think thats stupid... all i ever wanted to be up until about 7th grade was popular i never had a "group" till 5th grade that didnt last very long and that was liz linds alex twins and me and that was great but then i realized thats what i always fought against when i was younger i could never seem to find a group of people who were willing to let me in there group so when i finally found one i was just another mean person who wouldnt let other people "in" our group and thats why im not in a group... groups just end up excluding people and i hate that cause thats the worst feeling of all the worst and im so sick of people getting mad at me for saying sorry or saying that im nice becasue if i was fucking nice why arent people nice back? why dont people give me equal respect that i give others im so sick of it i try so hard to keep my friends because i dont want to lose any of the friends i have now but they dont seem to try hard back not at all and i dont know how to react cause i still try i still want their friendship but i guess they dont i would much rather them say it to me its so much easier than me wasting my time and breathe or thought on someone
every morning ashleigh togher will ask me to do something fo rher or to go to the cafeteria with her and we always do what she wants to and i never back down cause if i dont do it she'll get whiny and upset so i just go with the flow and i get nothing in return
i told eleanor a package would come before thanksgiving and it wont and its so anoying cause i know if i moved away eleanor would have sent me 10 packages by now i know for a fact she would have i feel bad
and im always crying cause i miss 8th grade so much and i miss cav addie, amy, eleanor, scott, tim, steve, ron etc everyone and it sucks cause people are like arnt you over that yet? and im not i lost eleanor and addie two of my best friends addie being my first friend ever in allendale and shes not coming next weekend and scott came to school the other day and i saw him and i was crying in the bathroom first period its just so annoying i cant get over it i miss it so much i miss them so much and nobody else seems to miss anything i feel so alone and like i cant relate and its stupid cause people were like oh amy im gonna miss you oh addie im gonna miss you oh so and so oohhh im gonna miss senora hayyy yeah right nobody cares