Very long over due RL update
So below is basically everything that’s been happening in my rl- some of you might be asking why the hell, am I sharing so much…
The truth is fandom, livejournal, you, my flist, my comms - you might not realize it, but you have been my cornerstone through all of this. I know I don’t interact/post with wild abandonment even on my best day, but I do check in and see what you’re doing. It lifts my heart to see the fun, love and joy, or bitching and moaning whether its fandom, rl, or whatever else it may be. You, the community that is FANDOM make me feel connected. So it’s important to me that you know my silence hasn’t been just a whim that I’m not leaving or abandoning fandom, livejournal or otherwise. I’m here I’m listening/watching and though its been a slow process moving forward. Enough that soon things will lighten up that I can interact more often than I do now. In fact, because of wedraweveryday, another lifeline although I haven’t posted every day I have sketched almost every day. The exception this past week I think I missed a couple. Still you all mean more than I can ever express adequately <333333333333333333
Warning below is my rl shit, if you’re not comfortable reading, no worries just skip it fandom fic will be happening soon ;) I’m just sharing this with those who might be interested.
On my mother’s side I’m from a large close-knit family - my mother was the baby of 10. And with large families you start to lose people. However in the last 7 years or so that it’s been really hard.
Things of sickness, death and grieving started to go bad in 2007.
2007: First brother, Jeff, also back then my roommate found out (after dropping 40 pounds) he didn’t leukemia but was HIV. At the same time my father started to have complications from Hep-C and developed Graves Disease. My dad also lost a lot of weight and couldn’t work for months. Bad timing as the economy started to also decline. By the time 2008 rolled around my parents were tapping heavily into their savings to keep the house and I was helping them with one garage sale after another, selling what they could to make ends meet.
2008: Feb, ended a 27 year friendship. In Aug, my cousin Marie who was only a few years older than me died of pancreatic cancer.
2009: At the end of the summer my mom started having problems and ended up in the hospital with emphysema. She was there a month in and out of ICU before she was finally released. Then it was another month, month & half before the oxygen equipment was out.
2010: We lost Elaine, a close family friend. Then the next month my uncle Jackie died from leukemia. Only to discover the next day Dale (another close family friend) committed suicide. The losses were hard and only made more complicated emotionally because I was a care-taker of a client Dorothy who was steadily declining from emphysema.
2011: I continued to help Dorothy at home while hospice came into the picture. At the end of the summer she passed away.
2012: Started with mom in CT with her sister, Ronny caring for her husband, my uncle Paul. Mom was there over a month until Paul passed away. March Mom ended back in the hospital for pneumonia and was there just over a week. When she returned home, they had buyers going through for a short sale. It was sold by the end of the week. Shortly afterward, we got word my uncle Bobby in Florida was sick. Like her sisters in CT she flew back to be with him. He had liver cancer, late stages but also had major problems with his heart and kidneys. He tried a bout of chemo (for the possibility of adding more time) but it left him so sick he decided he wanted quality vs. quantity on what time he had left.
When mom flew back it was with the goal to pack and start looking for a new place for them to rent. While shopping, she fell and ended up back in the hospital with a collapsed lung. There they saw a mass (though less than two months prior & all the xrays she had they didn’t see anything?) Anyways she went in for a biopsy. We were still packing July 4th, and moved July 5th, then went in to the oncologist in the middle of the week. It was lung cancer stage 3-4 and needed aggressive treatment of chemo/radiation.
Even with a rush things still take time to set up, and because she wanted/needed to tell her siblings in person - she flew back east to tell them knowing it’d be the last time she’d see her brother. She flew back home Aug 11, and started chemo/radiation Aug 13th. My uncle passed away Sept 27th, my aunts sisters flew out the following week. Oct 23 the day after my b-day, we found out mom’s lung cancer was terminal with a short time-frame. Shorter then what we thought/had hoped for.
She stopped chemo/radiation and went on hospice. Two of my aunts flew back home, to square away things then flew back 2 weeks later. Nov 11, the day my aunts were returning - my brother and still roommate unable to deal with mom’s illness reverted to old habits. Unknown to me, the police had been watching and had a search warrant. They broke down the door (sadly because I was upstairs in the bathroom with the damn fan on and didn’t hear them knocking). By the time I did heard them it was too late and they were charging in. They arrested him and after searching the place, going through everything of mine including my computers I was left with a broken door. It was a hellish day!
Mom never saw Jeff again, she passed away Dec 3. I couldn’t afford the apartment on my own and had to move. After the memorial service Dec 9th the rest of Dec/Jan was nothing but a whirlwind of packing/cleaning and unpacking. Grieving was complicated by everything else going on - my brother & his actions, but also my niece who I discovered stole money (over 5 grand) & make-up from my mom on the day she died. Frankly it was too much and I started counseling (am still in).
2013: End of Jan I moved. Feb. Jeff was released. Another family friend passed away from colon cancer. In May, memorial weekend my dad (step-dad) started to see someone else - it would have been lovely if he had actually introduced me instead of how he did it. Outside of that, initially I was okay about it and kind of like her. However that was until March 2014 when I found out that they had been together since March 2013 and when I did meet her they were already living together & still are - meaning after 42 years of marriage to my mother he barely waited 3 months 0.o the level of my disrespect for him, runs deep!
My niece who I do love and adore her kids - however we really have no relationship (we did once- when I was stupid and believed all of her lies). She has no remorse over her actions and frankly she doesn’t like me. She only wants to have a relationship with Michael my step-dad, her biological grandfather.
I rarely saw or talked to my brother. He was avoiding me. I know he screwed up, but he knows it too and (was) is guilt ridden over his actions; enough that he stopped taking care of himself. He was a momma’s boy. For the entire 12 years we lived together as roommates, he saw mom every day. He was an early bird person up at 4:30-5, shower and changed to leave by 8 to go over to her house for 2nd breakfast. I kid you not! He’d swing back over to her place for lunch. Sunday was the only day he didn’t go over. When she got sick we could all see he was having a hard time, who wasn’t… But yeah his choices were screwed up and he, mom, and I paid a steep price. When he got out of jail, he got his own place. I had thought we were helping each other, but I was just an enabler. Thankfully his work took him back. Since then he became a hermit and refused to respond to my phone calls or even a txt. If I wanted to know/see that he was okay I had to go to his work and see for myself.
2014: In April my aunt Dori passed away, leaving only 3 of my mother’s original 10 siblings. I decided to take a vacation and go back east (it had been 6 years since I had more than a weekend free - outside of the week I took off when mom died, but yeah that’s not a vacation.) I kind of had it in my head I was going back to say good-bye. I’m not as bad as my brother, but in a lot of ways very similar to where I shut down and have become more of a hermit.
So I stopped and saw Jeff before I left. He was scary- loss more weight than when he was first diagnosed with Aides. There was nothing I could go as most of it is take your meds and have him take care of himself!
Going back, ended up being great, as it was what I needed to reconnect with family - and walk away realizing I had a ground root concerning family.
Going home, I was busy with work, but less than a month later my brother ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. Nearly two years before he was released, he has other problems bladder infections and problems with his prostate. He’s home, has to use a bag/catheter until surgery Dec 2 (if & hopefully the pneumonia is cleared up) to remove prostate stones. He’ll be going on disability, for how long I have no idea nor do I know if he’ll be able to return back to work. He’s weak and though he’s gain a pinch of weight since he’s been home (he might be 130), he has also returned to smoking. If he wasn’t HIV, it may not be as serious, but since he is and he’s still not taking care of himself, it’s all arg!!! Pneumonia-smoking-HIV= not good!
So there is the grieving, but it’s also all the other shit - dealing with people and their emotions or lack of, or my over load of emotions. Dad & I have had a very rocky past, and though I hoped wanted things between us to be better and at point thought maybe they would be. But he’s really no different than my niece. We just went out to dinner for my b-day.
Last year I had to beg insist on not doing much and that I just wanted dinner with him not him and his girl-friend. Last year was hard because it was my first birthday without mom, but also the previous year by a day was we literally found out she was terminal. Not a day I want to celebrate. But there were some around me didn’t want to hear that- they had moved on wanted to celebrate because it was my 50. Over the top, but I literally had a fight with 1 friend over this- she felt I was being a brat and if we couldn’t celebrate my birthday then she wasn’t going to because she was tired of wanting to celebrate a ‘friends’ birthday who only wanted to groin over their age. It was all about her. It wasn’t until I lost my stack that she even got what she was saying and why I might not be interested. She did apologize, but a year later it’s still kind of awkward between us. However I thought dad & I had a great talk and it was lovely dinner. Though note it was the 1 and only time I saw him alone- he doesn’t can’t me see without the girlfriend or someone else as some kind of buffer o.o
This year he invited me to dinner with the girlfriend, but my brother was going too (& started to be a bit more social since he got out of the hospital.) Won’t lie thought it was a birthday thing since it was 4 days before my birthday. Anyhoo, it was fine. There he wanted to get together again for my birthday to give me my card. I’m oh okay, and make plans to meet again actually on my birthday, and yes Jeff went again. It was a nice dinner (turns out a Italian sea food restaurant) which would be fine if I wasn’t allergic to sea food or my brother eat sea-food. When it came to the cards, I got 1 from my brother and the other dad --- a card the girlfriend bought. At the table she teased him that she told him to go buy another (it was cats singing, and no I don’t have cats) one since she got it last month. Inside he signed it Michael not dad, added the girlfriends name and kids (meaning her kids) because he gives her the card to see what he wrote as they share a smile across the table. REALLY!
When I was a kid I called him dad when he was dating mom, it wasn’t until mom’s family told me no that he wasn’t my father (Irish catholic 44 years ago, living in sin). Since then I called him Michael until my mid-twenties. It was never how I felt, but the family influence was hard. Once I switched to dad, I never backed away. However now, it feels…. to put it bluntly my mother’s dead and he’s moved on, starting a new family. He continually does things with no thought or concern to me- like the sea food (for and on my birthday, maybe what I can or cannot eat should be taken in to consideration. Or my own mother’s funeral that I had no say in nor was I asked (yet Amanda was). He also gave Amanda, the niece my mother’s wedding ring without asking me first. I didn’t want it, still I should have been asked. It’s always one thing after another.
It’s a buildup of little things I know, but it’s getting to me- and it pisses me off!!!! Maybe I am 5 and not 51 *sigh*
The hardest thing is I’m having a difficult time is letting it all go- letting them go. So I keep letting myself get hurt, and wallow in this misery. I’ve lost a lot of family, friends, clients in the last few years (like 14) - also so many friends/family around me either are in the mists of their own pain/grief and suffering not taking care of themselves.
I’m single with no partner, or kids not even a pet. There are days, it just sucks that I can’t get out of my wallow of pain.
Work, counseling, my flist, those in fandom have been my lifeline, but I’ll admit I want more out of my life yet I’m stuck (emotionally and financially) in this place - and well this time of year, coming up to 2 years since mom died. Seeing how dad has completely moved on, I don’t know it’s so weird! Like I said we haven’t even hit the 2 year and around him (not in a good way) it feels like it was a decade ago.
Basically I realized this might all just be me, but I need time and time away from dad, the girlfriend, Amanda etc… I’m hoping not to do anything drastic until after the holidays. Not for me, but for my brother. He’s reaching out and I can’t screw things up with dad for the moment not when Jeff has surgery in Dec. However I’m gearing now to write dad a letter and tell him I need to create some space between us. I need to let go and move on and I can’t do that with him and his girlfriend in my face. Beside the truth is the best that our relationship ever was when I lived 3 thousand miles away. Brief long distance calls; it honestly was the best, what he’s good at and I’d love to have that again. It’s better than wishing and dreaming of something better, something he’s not able to process never mind able to deliver.
Well that was a lot of rambling with Kleenex and tears - think I’ll try to do some laundry of some kind of cleaning then shower and fix dinner- maybe write if I can clear my mind and write some porn, or something fun.
Again thank you for having this space and allowing me to share a small bit.
Monday morning and another weekend passes and I did …. Not much.
Why I just looked at my posts over the last couple of years (was trying to remember what I said in my last couple of rl updates - and saw there really are none). I posted, but no updates on what was going on in my rl- and here I was thinking I talk about everything way too much - guess that’s in my head or to rl people who I’m sure get bored!
So I need to back up a little and let you know what was happening this past year- why I’ve been in a total funk.
After Xmas/New Years 2013, still in counseling things were moving along. In Feb/March my grandmother (dad’s mother) kept falling. The last one they refused to release her home. She could no longer support herself to stand. So transitioning out of the wheelchair to the toilet and bed to the chair was a problem. Not that any of us didn’t already know this and that she needed full time care, whether live-in or to go to a care facility. The problem was Lilo and her stubborn refusal to move or have help. However this time it was out of our hands. Dad tried round the clock caregivers but she’d fire them the same day they arrived. This time, while she was in the hospital he got her a place at Bryant Park a senor care facility, 5-10 minutes from us rather than the 45 minute distance she had been) overall much easier. She now has a one bedroom apartment with a balcony and people to come in round the clock to help her change, shower, get ready for bed, and take her down to dine. She already had friends there so the transition wasn’t quite that bad- or not as bad as it could have been considering.
So the end of Feb, I had gone to help move dad move the furniture out of Lilo’s house and move a good portion of it to the new place. It was driving back, dad was in the truck with the movers and I was in the car with Yolanda. We were talking about whatever then she tells me that next week it’ll be her birthday and also they’ll celebrate their anniversary. I didn’t say anything, but this floored me. Actually I can’t sufficiently say how much this hurt. I didn’t meet Yolanda until May 2013 and here she’s telling me she’d been with my dad since early March 2013 - my mom died Dec 2012, so 2 months and a week or two, you meet and basically move in with someone else after losing your wife of 42 years?????? I had thought May was early and hard to deal with but this…
Anyhoo it kind of fucked with me. I know my parents are people and they have their own lives make their own mistakes and screw up, whatever, but the 5 yr old me, was pissed and hurt so bad it was ridiculous. On top of this my brother was avoiding me, again. Although I have family back east, they’re back east living their own lives with their own family. I felt beyond alone and honestly felt like I was grieving the loss of my entire family and of what was. This was coupled by regret that I didn’t have my own family (being single with no kids, sigh).
Basically I distanced myself from dad at least emotionally that was backed up with a lot of anger that he had moved on so quickly.
Shortly afterward found out my aunt Dori passed away (though this was hard, it was also a blessing in my mind since she had been living with Alzheimer’s for the last 8 years).
So I wallowed in this, focused on work (& at times went shopping to feel better- yikes another problem forming that I need to nip in the bud! /o\)
I didn’t do much in writing a couple of ficlets in SGA then 2 pieces for DAreversebang (though I must admit both pieces were fun and I adored/loved the art, A LOT!!!)
After my aunt Dori passed I made the decision to go back east for the family reunion (Aug 23rd). In my mind it was to say good-bye. I don’t have the money to fly back very often (last time was 6 years ago). Also I only have the 3 aunts left 2 in their 70’s and Aunt Ron at the time was 84 (& the only oldest living and mentally aware relative in 4 generations, and the only one I know who never smoked and drank alcohol - not a sip like ever.) Not great for the rest of us. Everyone else that lived into their 80’s had alzheimers - that’s just a reality, hence my pending good-byes as I didn’t want our last visit to be mom’s funeral/wake. I wanted some good memories.
Anyhow that’s where my head was at however things changed, as they do, when I got there. First, I was a little pissed there was a mess up and lack of communication on the family reunion. We had the reunion but more than ½ of my side of the family didn’t go because my cousin Mike was having his own ‘family/cousin’ get together at his lake house the week before. Oh and I was invited the week prior o.O Ah I’m poor and live 3 thousand miles away; I can’t just hop a plane whenever… they know this. I had already made plans bought my tickets (as I do to make myself go) early to be there for 2 weeks surrounding the family reunion - I could have included the cousins thing if I had know in advance (& all 3 aunts/cousins knew I was coming since April when I talked about it- Dori’s passing pushed me then in May when I finalized and bought my tickets). On top of that my aunt Judy left the day before I got there- after she knew I was going to be there (a month prior) and she was there for 3 weeks, but couldn’t stay for a couple of more days o.O Had I known in advanced I would have made appropriate plans to go to both.
That hiccup aside I stayed with my aunt Ron. Actually both aunts picked me up and Bernadette stayed overnight before she went back home (basically I only saw her 3 days out of the 2 weeks). She’s still overwhelmed and is struggling with all the losses (on top of recovering from the car accident she had before her brother (my uncle) Bobby died in 9/12, a few months prior to mom). Although we didn’t spend a lot of time together, it was definitely good quality time.
The true blessing was all the time I spent with aunt Ron. It was wonderful and we talked for hours on end about everything. It was comforting and just fantastic! She made me realize a lot of things, but what really drove it home was my cousin Kathy. Kathy was Dori’s oldest daughter, and well the story really is too long, but let me just say after spending 2 days with her - the woman is craycray!! Although intense; her anger, grief and hatred for the rest of the family runs deep. She is also a sweet generous woman, but could use (is in need of) major therapy. I’m happy I live 3 thousand miles away.
However our time together shed light on something that was right there all the time, I have a solid grounding of family love and values. Something I do share with most of my cousins. It was instilled by my mother, grandmother and all of my aunts/uncles/cousins. My loss has been more that they are not here physically, but I do have roots, a foundation. Sadly being with Kathy shed light on what I have and what she doesn’t. It was heartbreaking to see how different we see and feel about the family. Being with her strengthened my soul.
Though the trip ended, but I felt good. Strengthened by their love that lives inside of me whether I see them or not and realizing it was there all along - that that foundation of love is my ruby slippers.
Returning home Sept 3, was fine, just jumping back into work was (I need a vacation from my vacation). However by the end of the 2nd week when I was just starting got get back into the groove, Sept 11th I found out Jeff was in the hospital. He was scary looking before I left, seeing him there, it only intensified. He was down to 125 and looked like an old man. Turns out he never got his meds together to get back on the cocktail (he’s HIV) after he was released in 2013 on top of not taking care of himself (smoking, not eating right etc). So if he wasn’t HIV it might not have been so bad: bladder and kidney infection along with prostate stones with being HIV = not good! He was in the hospital to the beginning of Oct (my timing is rolling together so I’m not exactly sure what date Sept/Oct, but basically he was in the hospital for a month.) I was there every day to visit, trying to reach him, sharing everything I experienced back east- tried to remind him that there’s the other side of the grief, to tap into that foundation, let him know I was there for him.
I thought maybe I was reaching him. Next thing I know he’s demanding to be released because in his words he was bored. It was stupid, but he was choosing to go home and do the same thing there as he was in the hospital only in the hospital they were watching his progress and brought him his food. Though he did regain a few pounds (in the hospital) it was obvious he wasn’t going back to work he could barely walk (& had started the process for disability). On top of that he was on a catheter, with a surgery scheduled for Dec 2 to remove the prostate stones. So Oct was instead of visiting the hospital I went to his place the first few days then it was every few days pushing him to go out - whether it was grocery shopping or just lunch. Although it was a grand max of 2 hours any given day it totally wore him out.
By the time my birthday came it slowed down to weekly visits on Sunday, with calls throughout the week. Amazingly he’d call or txt me so I thought things were going on the right track.
We got together the Friday before my birthday with my Jeff my brother, dad/Yolanda, and a few friends - I thought this a birthday thing (as that’s all we do for birthdays is dinner and maybe a card or two). We use to have cake when mom was here, and gifts stopped years ago with an exception here and there for big birthdays 21, 25… again when mom was here; Dad’s dinner and card kind of guy. Anyhoo after dinner he wanted to get together actually on my birthday the following Wednesday and makes a point to say he wanted to give me my b-day card.
I’m like ok 2 dinners, nice.
So we meet again at another restaurant almost the same group but without the friends and with Lilo, my grandmother. It’s a nice place, but an Italian seafood restaurant, I’m allergic to seafood and Jeff doesn’t like it, so we’re restricted to about four things off of the menu that doesn’t have seafood - yet dad can have his calamari o.O
Then birthday cards are given, and I open his card, it’s a non personal card of a group of cats on the front and when you open it they meow sing happy birthday. Inside he signed it Michael, Yolanda and kids. Yolanda teases that she poked him for a month to go and get something different. I sure I smile and nodded, but seriously I’m sitting there hurt and in shock. Then I watch as he takes the card and hands it to her to show her how he signed it adding her name and the kids (meaning her kids) - and their sitting there having this love moment completely oblivious that I’m hurt by his thoughtfulness.
The following week I went over to varkelton’s for Halloween and spent the night. She surprised with some lovely trinkets and totally made my birthday along with my week <33333333333
Jeff cancelled for our lunch date sighting he was too tired, but we talked for a while on the phone so I didn’t think anything of it. However the following week he did the same and over the phone we got into a fight. He was complaining worrying about rent. I told him that dad would probably help him out as he’s been doing since he got out. Thing was dad/Yolanda had gone away for a few days and was out of contact. I told Jeff just to talk to Jay his landlord (who lives on sight), tell him that you had to file for disability that you’ve been sick (something that was still painfully obvious by just looking at him) and that dad has to help you out so you’ll be a couple of days late.
Apparently that didn’t appease him and kept pointing out how he only had a couple of hundred dollars to his name. It was the way he did it like he wanted me to offer to help him without coming right out and asking. It got me on the defensive. Over the course of the year I had already given him close to $500. I’m poor, I clean houses for a living and though its decent money, I’m not making what I could have if I was twenty years younger because it’s physically grueling and everything takes me longer than it use to. The whole thing pinged me the wrong way and I got pissed. Mainly because since he’s been out his job took him back and within a month he was working full time at the same pay with bennys he had previously. He makes a little over what I do and is paying half the rent- that’s when I went off, where’s the damn money, what are you spending it on, haven’t you saved anything, what are you doing? Etc…. I don’t remember how the call ended if I hung up or he did, either way I was fuming and it took me at least a day to calm down enough to call back and apologize. Screaming about what one didn’t do right after the fact isn’t productive and he never does well when he’s stressed.
Anyway, it was back to not answering my call or txt messages. By the end of the week, concerned I drove over to his place. His car was there and though I was knocking on his window I had to call/txt to say I was there at his door, I still got no answer.
Then knocking at the front door, the owner Jay answered. I said I was Jeff’s sister and was there to see him. He invited me in and said he was going to call me- that when and how I found he was arrested again!
Turns out he didn’t call into to his PO, when they came they also did a search and they found evidence there, another phone he had secretly purchased. He’s back in until April. This was just before his birthday almost the same time he had been arrested in 2012 before mom passed away. I broke down then went to dad’s work and told him. A few days later I told him whatever he wants to do I’ll support him- I have no money or resources to help Jeff so IMO it’s whatever he’s comfortable with. His choice, was to continue to pay rent so he’ll still have his place then get his disability to either stay there, or find another place (the landlord was willing to let Jeff stay due to his medical condition in order to find something else, but not stay on permanently. Jay was upset Jeff lied and with cops showing up doesn’t want the drama.
The whole thing put me in a… well, not a good place. I don’t really remember what I did in Nov, I did try to turn to fandom and it worked a little just not enough. Thanksgiving was, I was - it was painfully obvious to anyone who cared to see that I was depressed. With mom’s anniversary approaching the weight of grief only got worse than deepened when I found out Bobby died unexpectedly.
Bobby was my cousin’s ex-husband but had always been around. I had crushed on him when I was a teenager. He also had helped me find and looked at, and approved of my first car I ever saved for and bought, an ’80 Chevy cavalier (he was a really good mechanic). We also had fights, or me fighting being exasperated with him (telling him not to tell the kids that he was going to get back together with their mother, my cousin Bernadette - she had already moved on and was with someone else. It was never going to happen and it bothered/pissed me off that he was hurting the kids by letting them hope for something that was never going to happen. Blatantly using them to try and make it happen, making her the bad guy.) Thing was Bobby was peter pan, the lovable guy that never grew up. They never did get back together, but did remain close friends over the years and well Bobby was Bobby, always laughing, smiling, and just a little (or a lot) screwed on rl shit. I saw him when I went back in Aug, he was the same. It was completely unexpected and just hit doubly hard for the timing and everything else that had happened.
Yes, I’m still in counseling, and try to work on this shit to get passed it. Though it’s not something you (or maybe that’s just me, I can’t) just snap my fingers and move on. I know I talk a lot about it in my head (maybe too much to friends) however I’ve stopped doing that recently because I had people point blank ask if I shouldn’t go on meds. The point being if they ask, ‘how are you’ they really don’t want the truth. They want me to stop grieving, be like I was before o.o
I don’t think I’m mistaken as I’ve lost some friends, haven’t heard from them because I’m not how I was a couple of years ago (lets party and get our drink on).
Unfortunately yes, I’m still grieving, yes I’m not in a lets go PARTY place. I’m pretty sure I’m passed the double fist drinks phase of my life. There’s a ton of shit I love and want to do, but a good majority isn’t what they want to do - we’re just in different places. It just makes some of this harder not having people I’ve been friends with for years have my back.
So I did what I always do threw myself into work (& my fic whenever my muse was there). Luckily I had a lot and stayed fairly busy. Through this I did decide I needed and wanted to create my own family - possibly the one thing I’ve regretted and don’t have.
However creating a family or even the one I have- acceptance is the key, none are or will ever be perfect. I need to learn to accept what I do have while going out there to find and create and make what I still want/need out of life and family.
Knowing that dad (Michael) whatever he wants to be referred to, would never be or know how to be the father I’d like. That he was/is an immature man, and simply a very obtuse man. He’s not going to change and if I want him in my life I need to change by stop hoping and wanting something from him that he can’t or is just incapable of giving.
He invited me over to his place for dinner (with Yolanda of course who lives there.) Note we haven’t spent any time alone except my 50th birthday (over a year ago) that I had to expressly ask for, otherwise a couple minutes outside Jeff’s room at the hospital. I swear he’s afraid to be alone with me. Anyhoo Yolanda was there, but wasn’t feeling well and had gone to bed. So we had dinner together. So I brought up why I had been distance at least emotionally that I was hurt over what Yolanda had said about their anniversary. He told me I must had misunderstood (I didn’t, but I do see men (him) and Yolanda might have different ideas/definitions on what qualifies as an anniversary.)
It didn’t matter because for the first time in years he really opened up to me and talked about mom. It wasn’t just his words, but his heart and it all showed in his eyes - he never stopped loving mom and that if Yolanda didn’t accept that mom was there in his heart that they wouldn’t be together. He gave me everything I wanted and needed to hear to help me to let go and move on.
So moving into the holidays (the following week), I decorated and actually went Xmas shopping. Though things with Jeff were still in turmoil, I felt a bit better. Not fantastic but better. However work still pressed on and writing commitments were still in play. But I felt that once work lightened up (beginning of the New Year) I was determined to start a new phase with the song ‘Let it Go’ playing as my theme - (and my fic, although not done was actually moving along).
Things were gearing toward that, then Happy New Years - I got a case of scabies (from a client I house sat for) then it was OMG!! After having it diagnosed it was clean, vacuum, wash, isolate - repeat! Then repeat again! I’m still itchy after 2 treatments. Btw, if you don’t know or haven’t heard of scabies, and go to look it up -warning- don’t look at any pictures if you’re squeamish - sadly I did and it’s freaked me out since /o\
That brings me up to last couple of weeks. Lilo, my grandmother ended back up in the hospital on the 22 however this time it wasn’t for a fall. After a few tests came back discovered she had congestive heart failure. I sat with her for a few days. Most of the weekend she was kind of out of it however Monday she was consciously aware, and in pain. I did the only thing I could and sat there holding her hand. It was obvious she knew what was happening and was scared. I take it was a gift because sadly she wasn’t aware with anyone else. Squeezing my hands afraid I’d let go, she thanked me. When I saw her Tuesday, she was unconscious and though they started the morphine she was agitated (it was much harder to see her like that than I thought it’d be). Before I left my place to go see her on Wednesday she passed away. Amanda came up with her kids to see her and once they left for lunch she passed away.
Overall at 93, not too bad, it was just hard to see her like that and it brought up a lot of memories of mom.
Later we met for dinner (dad/Yoland, Amanda her husband the kids and Brian). There dad pulled me aside, to tell me he discovered Jeff had other credit cards (had them secretly) and had opened them (forging dad’s name) back when he got out last time 2-13. The secret phone and these cards were taking $$ out of his checking that he shared with dad- meaning he’s been lying/stealing money all along. Dad closed the shared account and he will stop paying his rent and move his things into storage. Dad’s pissed and he’s done doing for Jeff. I don’t blame him, but to be honest I’m twisted up by the whole thing.
He’s my brother; I don’t know how to pretend he isn’t. So the other day before I started this update- I wrote him a letter. I had been avoiding answering his letters mainly because besides emotionally being hurt that he’s gone back to his old cycle of shit, I honestly didn’t know what to say. He’s doing stupid dumb shit, but medically nothing’s changed. He’s still has full blown HIV, prostate stones, having to use a catheter (because in jail they only do the minimal, and as long as you’re not dying on their watch then its good enough). He’s a drowning man refusing to help himself - I don’t have money, resources or the mental capacity to help him.
So my letter is to let him know (warn him) and hopefully he’ll figure out/use any resources that comes his way. He certainly isn’t stupid and got us to believe his lies and give him money. I only hope and pray this is his bottom and he’ll actually seek help.
Basically I had to let him know that when he gets out: he has no job (that was a given either way, he can’t work), his checking acct is closed (it was dad’s money that was in there paying on Jeff’s secret stash), that he also won’t have a place to live (I’m sure Jay will have it rented out by then - also he didn’t expect dad to pay his rent all this time. The 1st letter I got from Jeff he had asked that I save only his dvds - seriously!), his car is gone (it was mom’s. Actually dad took it and had it parked at his place. Before all this went down, because he’d drive it once a week, on one of those dives he heard something and took it in. Later he found out there something wrong that’s very pricey - dad said it wasn’t worth spending that kind of money to fix it and is going to donate it; he had been looking around to buy a used car to replace it, now that’s not going to happen either.) Lastly his stuff will be in storage - the only thing dad’s willing to do.
So the letter is written though I haven’t sent it - I won’t lie the whole thing is breaking my heart because I know this will be his fight or die moment and frankly I’m terrified it’ll be the latter. I know I can’t fix it or make him or anyone else fight, but it’s just hard to let go and watch them do whatever they’re going to do.
So I stopped writing this over the weekend as dad wanted to pack up Lilo’s and Jeff’s place putting everything into storage. At the moment rage and grief are driving him, and amazingly it all done. I was offered anything of Lilo’s I wanted, I didn’t think I would but as things go I did end up with a few things, even a couple of things from Jeff’s. Although of Jeff’s outside of paper towels/toilet paper and food anything else was nothing I wouldn’t give him back if he wanted them.
I went to bed early and slept!!!!! Just been so exhausted, physically but also mentally it’s all so draining.
At the same time I feel like I’m turning a corner, I can only hope and pray it’s for the better.
The truth is fandom, livejournal, you, my flist, my comms - you might not realize it, but you have been my cornerstone through all of this. I know I don’t interact/post with wild abandonment even on my best day, but I do check in and see what you’re doing. It lifts my heart to see the fun, love and joy, or bitching and moaning whether its fandom, rl, or whatever else it may be. You, the community that is FANDOM make me feel connected. So it’s important to me that you know my silence hasn’t been just a whim that I’m not leaving or abandoning fandom, livejournal or otherwise. I’m here I’m listening/watching and though its been a slow process moving forward. Enough that soon things will lighten up that I can interact more often than I do now. In fact, because of wedraweveryday, another lifeline although I haven’t posted every day I have sketched almost every day. The exception this past week I think I missed a couple. Still you all mean more than I can ever express adequately <333333333333333333
Warning below is my rl shit, if you’re not comfortable reading, no worries just skip it fandom fic will be happening soon ;) I’m just sharing this with those who might be interested.
On my mother’s side I’m from a large close-knit family - my mother was the baby of 10. And with large families you start to lose people. However in the last 7 years or so that it’s been really hard.
Things of sickness, death and grieving started to go bad in 2007.
2007: First brother, Jeff, also back then my roommate found out (after dropping 40 pounds) he didn’t leukemia but was HIV. At the same time my father started to have complications from Hep-C and developed Graves Disease. My dad also lost a lot of weight and couldn’t work for months. Bad timing as the economy started to also decline. By the time 2008 rolled around my parents were tapping heavily into their savings to keep the house and I was helping them with one garage sale after another, selling what they could to make ends meet.
2008: Feb, ended a 27 year friendship. In Aug, my cousin Marie who was only a few years older than me died of pancreatic cancer.
2009: At the end of the summer my mom started having problems and ended up in the hospital with emphysema. She was there a month in and out of ICU before she was finally released. Then it was another month, month & half before the oxygen equipment was out.
2010: We lost Elaine, a close family friend. Then the next month my uncle Jackie died from leukemia. Only to discover the next day Dale (another close family friend) committed suicide. The losses were hard and only made more complicated emotionally because I was a care-taker of a client Dorothy who was steadily declining from emphysema.
2011: I continued to help Dorothy at home while hospice came into the picture. At the end of the summer she passed away.
2012: Started with mom in CT with her sister, Ronny caring for her husband, my uncle Paul. Mom was there over a month until Paul passed away. March Mom ended back in the hospital for pneumonia and was there just over a week. When she returned home, they had buyers going through for a short sale. It was sold by the end of the week. Shortly afterward, we got word my uncle Bobby in Florida was sick. Like her sisters in CT she flew back to be with him. He had liver cancer, late stages but also had major problems with his heart and kidneys. He tried a bout of chemo (for the possibility of adding more time) but it left him so sick he decided he wanted quality vs. quantity on what time he had left.
When mom flew back it was with the goal to pack and start looking for a new place for them to rent. While shopping, she fell and ended up back in the hospital with a collapsed lung. There they saw a mass (though less than two months prior & all the xrays she had they didn’t see anything?) Anyways she went in for a biopsy. We were still packing July 4th, and moved July 5th, then went in to the oncologist in the middle of the week. It was lung cancer stage 3-4 and needed aggressive treatment of chemo/radiation.
Even with a rush things still take time to set up, and because she wanted/needed to tell her siblings in person - she flew back east to tell them knowing it’d be the last time she’d see her brother. She flew back home Aug 11, and started chemo/radiation Aug 13th. My uncle passed away Sept 27th, my aunts sisters flew out the following week. Oct 23 the day after my b-day, we found out mom’s lung cancer was terminal with a short time-frame. Shorter then what we thought/had hoped for.
She stopped chemo/radiation and went on hospice. Two of my aunts flew back home, to square away things then flew back 2 weeks later. Nov 11, the day my aunts were returning - my brother and still roommate unable to deal with mom’s illness reverted to old habits. Unknown to me, the police had been watching and had a search warrant. They broke down the door (sadly because I was upstairs in the bathroom with the damn fan on and didn’t hear them knocking). By the time I did heard them it was too late and they were charging in. They arrested him and after searching the place, going through everything of mine including my computers I was left with a broken door. It was a hellish day!
Mom never saw Jeff again, she passed away Dec 3. I couldn’t afford the apartment on my own and had to move. After the memorial service Dec 9th the rest of Dec/Jan was nothing but a whirlwind of packing/cleaning and unpacking. Grieving was complicated by everything else going on - my brother & his actions, but also my niece who I discovered stole money (over 5 grand) & make-up from my mom on the day she died. Frankly it was too much and I started counseling (am still in).
2013: End of Jan I moved. Feb. Jeff was released. Another family friend passed away from colon cancer. In May, memorial weekend my dad (step-dad) started to see someone else - it would have been lovely if he had actually introduced me instead of how he did it. Outside of that, initially I was okay about it and kind of like her. However that was until March 2014 when I found out that they had been together since March 2013 and when I did meet her they were already living together & still are - meaning after 42 years of marriage to my mother he barely waited 3 months 0.o the level of my disrespect for him, runs deep!
My niece who I do love and adore her kids - however we really have no relationship (we did once- when I was stupid and believed all of her lies). She has no remorse over her actions and frankly she doesn’t like me. She only wants to have a relationship with Michael my step-dad, her biological grandfather.
I rarely saw or talked to my brother. He was avoiding me. I know he screwed up, but he knows it too and (was) is guilt ridden over his actions; enough that he stopped taking care of himself. He was a momma’s boy. For the entire 12 years we lived together as roommates, he saw mom every day. He was an early bird person up at 4:30-5, shower and changed to leave by 8 to go over to her house for 2nd breakfast. I kid you not! He’d swing back over to her place for lunch. Sunday was the only day he didn’t go over. When she got sick we could all see he was having a hard time, who wasn’t… But yeah his choices were screwed up and he, mom, and I paid a steep price. When he got out of jail, he got his own place. I had thought we were helping each other, but I was just an enabler. Thankfully his work took him back. Since then he became a hermit and refused to respond to my phone calls or even a txt. If I wanted to know/see that he was okay I had to go to his work and see for myself.
2014: In April my aunt Dori passed away, leaving only 3 of my mother’s original 10 siblings. I decided to take a vacation and go back east (it had been 6 years since I had more than a weekend free - outside of the week I took off when mom died, but yeah that’s not a vacation.) I kind of had it in my head I was going back to say good-bye. I’m not as bad as my brother, but in a lot of ways very similar to where I shut down and have become more of a hermit.
So I stopped and saw Jeff before I left. He was scary- loss more weight than when he was first diagnosed with Aides. There was nothing I could go as most of it is take your meds and have him take care of himself!
Going back, ended up being great, as it was what I needed to reconnect with family - and walk away realizing I had a ground root concerning family.
Going home, I was busy with work, but less than a month later my brother ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. Nearly two years before he was released, he has other problems bladder infections and problems with his prostate. He’s home, has to use a bag/catheter until surgery Dec 2 (if & hopefully the pneumonia is cleared up) to remove prostate stones. He’ll be going on disability, for how long I have no idea nor do I know if he’ll be able to return back to work. He’s weak and though he’s gain a pinch of weight since he’s been home (he might be 130), he has also returned to smoking. If he wasn’t HIV, it may not be as serious, but since he is and he’s still not taking care of himself, it’s all arg!!! Pneumonia-smoking-HIV= not good!
So there is the grieving, but it’s also all the other shit - dealing with people and their emotions or lack of, or my over load of emotions. Dad & I have had a very rocky past, and though I hoped wanted things between us to be better and at point thought maybe they would be. But he’s really no different than my niece. We just went out to dinner for my b-day.
Last year I had to beg insist on not doing much and that I just wanted dinner with him not him and his girl-friend. Last year was hard because it was my first birthday without mom, but also the previous year by a day was we literally found out she was terminal. Not a day I want to celebrate. But there were some around me didn’t want to hear that- they had moved on wanted to celebrate because it was my 50. Over the top, but I literally had a fight with 1 friend over this- she felt I was being a brat and if we couldn’t celebrate my birthday then she wasn’t going to because she was tired of wanting to celebrate a ‘friends’ birthday who only wanted to groin over their age. It was all about her. It wasn’t until I lost my stack that she even got what she was saying and why I might not be interested. She did apologize, but a year later it’s still kind of awkward between us. However I thought dad & I had a great talk and it was lovely dinner. Though note it was the 1 and only time I saw him alone- he doesn’t can’t me see without the girlfriend or someone else as some kind of buffer o.o
This year he invited me to dinner with the girlfriend, but my brother was going too (& started to be a bit more social since he got out of the hospital.) Won’t lie thought it was a birthday thing since it was 4 days before my birthday. Anyhoo, it was fine. There he wanted to get together again for my birthday to give me my card. I’m oh okay, and make plans to meet again actually on my birthday, and yes Jeff went again. It was a nice dinner (turns out a Italian sea food restaurant) which would be fine if I wasn’t allergic to sea food or my brother eat sea-food. When it came to the cards, I got 1 from my brother and the other dad --- a card the girlfriend bought. At the table she teased him that she told him to go buy another (it was cats singing, and no I don’t have cats) one since she got it last month. Inside he signed it Michael not dad, added the girlfriends name and kids (meaning her kids) because he gives her the card to see what he wrote as they share a smile across the table. REALLY!
When I was a kid I called him dad when he was dating mom, it wasn’t until mom’s family told me no that he wasn’t my father (Irish catholic 44 years ago, living in sin). Since then I called him Michael until my mid-twenties. It was never how I felt, but the family influence was hard. Once I switched to dad, I never backed away. However now, it feels…. to put it bluntly my mother’s dead and he’s moved on, starting a new family. He continually does things with no thought or concern to me- like the sea food (for and on my birthday, maybe what I can or cannot eat should be taken in to consideration. Or my own mother’s funeral that I had no say in nor was I asked (yet Amanda was). He also gave Amanda, the niece my mother’s wedding ring without asking me first. I didn’t want it, still I should have been asked. It’s always one thing after another.
It’s a buildup of little things I know, but it’s getting to me- and it pisses me off!!!! Maybe I am 5 and not 51 *sigh*
The hardest thing is I’m having a difficult time is letting it all go- letting them go. So I keep letting myself get hurt, and wallow in this misery. I’ve lost a lot of family, friends, clients in the last few years (like 14) - also so many friends/family around me either are in the mists of their own pain/grief and suffering not taking care of themselves.
I’m single with no partner, or kids not even a pet. There are days, it just sucks that I can’t get out of my wallow of pain.
Work, counseling, my flist, those in fandom have been my lifeline, but I’ll admit I want more out of my life yet I’m stuck (emotionally and financially) in this place - and well this time of year, coming up to 2 years since mom died. Seeing how dad has completely moved on, I don’t know it’s so weird! Like I said we haven’t even hit the 2 year and around him (not in a good way) it feels like it was a decade ago.
Basically I realized this might all just be me, but I need time and time away from dad, the girlfriend, Amanda etc… I’m hoping not to do anything drastic until after the holidays. Not for me, but for my brother. He’s reaching out and I can’t screw things up with dad for the moment not when Jeff has surgery in Dec. However I’m gearing now to write dad a letter and tell him I need to create some space between us. I need to let go and move on and I can’t do that with him and his girlfriend in my face. Beside the truth is the best that our relationship ever was when I lived 3 thousand miles away. Brief long distance calls; it honestly was the best, what he’s good at and I’d love to have that again. It’s better than wishing and dreaming of something better, something he’s not able to process never mind able to deliver.
Well that was a lot of rambling with Kleenex and tears - think I’ll try to do some laundry of some kind of cleaning then shower and fix dinner- maybe write if I can clear my mind and write some porn, or something fun.
Again thank you for having this space and allowing me to share a small bit.
Monday morning and another weekend passes and I did …. Not much.
Why I just looked at my posts over the last couple of years (was trying to remember what I said in my last couple of rl updates - and saw there really are none). I posted, but no updates on what was going on in my rl- and here I was thinking I talk about everything way too much - guess that’s in my head or to rl people who I’m sure get bored!
So I need to back up a little and let you know what was happening this past year- why I’ve been in a total funk.
After Xmas/New Years 2013, still in counseling things were moving along. In Feb/March my grandmother (dad’s mother) kept falling. The last one they refused to release her home. She could no longer support herself to stand. So transitioning out of the wheelchair to the toilet and bed to the chair was a problem. Not that any of us didn’t already know this and that she needed full time care, whether live-in or to go to a care facility. The problem was Lilo and her stubborn refusal to move or have help. However this time it was out of our hands. Dad tried round the clock caregivers but she’d fire them the same day they arrived. This time, while she was in the hospital he got her a place at Bryant Park a senor care facility, 5-10 minutes from us rather than the 45 minute distance she had been) overall much easier. She now has a one bedroom apartment with a balcony and people to come in round the clock to help her change, shower, get ready for bed, and take her down to dine. She already had friends there so the transition wasn’t quite that bad- or not as bad as it could have been considering.
So the end of Feb, I had gone to help move dad move the furniture out of Lilo’s house and move a good portion of it to the new place. It was driving back, dad was in the truck with the movers and I was in the car with Yolanda. We were talking about whatever then she tells me that next week it’ll be her birthday and also they’ll celebrate their anniversary. I didn’t say anything, but this floored me. Actually I can’t sufficiently say how much this hurt. I didn’t meet Yolanda until May 2013 and here she’s telling me she’d been with my dad since early March 2013 - my mom died Dec 2012, so 2 months and a week or two, you meet and basically move in with someone else after losing your wife of 42 years?????? I had thought May was early and hard to deal with but this…
Anyhoo it kind of fucked with me. I know my parents are people and they have their own lives make their own mistakes and screw up, whatever, but the 5 yr old me, was pissed and hurt so bad it was ridiculous. On top of this my brother was avoiding me, again. Although I have family back east, they’re back east living their own lives with their own family. I felt beyond alone and honestly felt like I was grieving the loss of my entire family and of what was. This was coupled by regret that I didn’t have my own family (being single with no kids, sigh).
Basically I distanced myself from dad at least emotionally that was backed up with a lot of anger that he had moved on so quickly.
Shortly afterward found out my aunt Dori passed away (though this was hard, it was also a blessing in my mind since she had been living with Alzheimer’s for the last 8 years).
So I wallowed in this, focused on work (& at times went shopping to feel better- yikes another problem forming that I need to nip in the bud! /o\)
I didn’t do much in writing a couple of ficlets in SGA then 2 pieces for DAreversebang (though I must admit both pieces were fun and I adored/loved the art, A LOT!!!)
After my aunt Dori passed I made the decision to go back east for the family reunion (Aug 23rd). In my mind it was to say good-bye. I don’t have the money to fly back very often (last time was 6 years ago). Also I only have the 3 aunts left 2 in their 70’s and Aunt Ron at the time was 84 (& the only oldest living and mentally aware relative in 4 generations, and the only one I know who never smoked and drank alcohol - not a sip like ever.) Not great for the rest of us. Everyone else that lived into their 80’s had alzheimers - that’s just a reality, hence my pending good-byes as I didn’t want our last visit to be mom’s funeral/wake. I wanted some good memories.
Anyhow that’s where my head was at however things changed, as they do, when I got there. First, I was a little pissed there was a mess up and lack of communication on the family reunion. We had the reunion but more than ½ of my side of the family didn’t go because my cousin Mike was having his own ‘family/cousin’ get together at his lake house the week before. Oh and I was invited the week prior o.O Ah I’m poor and live 3 thousand miles away; I can’t just hop a plane whenever… they know this. I had already made plans bought my tickets (as I do to make myself go) early to be there for 2 weeks surrounding the family reunion - I could have included the cousins thing if I had know in advance (& all 3 aunts/cousins knew I was coming since April when I talked about it- Dori’s passing pushed me then in May when I finalized and bought my tickets). On top of that my aunt Judy left the day before I got there- after she knew I was going to be there (a month prior) and she was there for 3 weeks, but couldn’t stay for a couple of more days o.O Had I known in advanced I would have made appropriate plans to go to both.
That hiccup aside I stayed with my aunt Ron. Actually both aunts picked me up and Bernadette stayed overnight before she went back home (basically I only saw her 3 days out of the 2 weeks). She’s still overwhelmed and is struggling with all the losses (on top of recovering from the car accident she had before her brother (my uncle) Bobby died in 9/12, a few months prior to mom). Although we didn’t spend a lot of time together, it was definitely good quality time.
The true blessing was all the time I spent with aunt Ron. It was wonderful and we talked for hours on end about everything. It was comforting and just fantastic! She made me realize a lot of things, but what really drove it home was my cousin Kathy. Kathy was Dori’s oldest daughter, and well the story really is too long, but let me just say after spending 2 days with her - the woman is craycray!! Although intense; her anger, grief and hatred for the rest of the family runs deep. She is also a sweet generous woman, but could use (is in need of) major therapy. I’m happy I live 3 thousand miles away.
However our time together shed light on something that was right there all the time, I have a solid grounding of family love and values. Something I do share with most of my cousins. It was instilled by my mother, grandmother and all of my aunts/uncles/cousins. My loss has been more that they are not here physically, but I do have roots, a foundation. Sadly being with Kathy shed light on what I have and what she doesn’t. It was heartbreaking to see how different we see and feel about the family. Being with her strengthened my soul.
Though the trip ended, but I felt good. Strengthened by their love that lives inside of me whether I see them or not and realizing it was there all along - that that foundation of love is my ruby slippers.
Returning home Sept 3, was fine, just jumping back into work was (I need a vacation from my vacation). However by the end of the 2nd week when I was just starting got get back into the groove, Sept 11th I found out Jeff was in the hospital. He was scary looking before I left, seeing him there, it only intensified. He was down to 125 and looked like an old man. Turns out he never got his meds together to get back on the cocktail (he’s HIV) after he was released in 2013 on top of not taking care of himself (smoking, not eating right etc). So if he wasn’t HIV it might not have been so bad: bladder and kidney infection along with prostate stones with being HIV = not good! He was in the hospital to the beginning of Oct (my timing is rolling together so I’m not exactly sure what date Sept/Oct, but basically he was in the hospital for a month.) I was there every day to visit, trying to reach him, sharing everything I experienced back east- tried to remind him that there’s the other side of the grief, to tap into that foundation, let him know I was there for him.
I thought maybe I was reaching him. Next thing I know he’s demanding to be released because in his words he was bored. It was stupid, but he was choosing to go home and do the same thing there as he was in the hospital only in the hospital they were watching his progress and brought him his food. Though he did regain a few pounds (in the hospital) it was obvious he wasn’t going back to work he could barely walk (& had started the process for disability). On top of that he was on a catheter, with a surgery scheduled for Dec 2 to remove the prostate stones. So Oct was instead of visiting the hospital I went to his place the first few days then it was every few days pushing him to go out - whether it was grocery shopping or just lunch. Although it was a grand max of 2 hours any given day it totally wore him out.
By the time my birthday came it slowed down to weekly visits on Sunday, with calls throughout the week. Amazingly he’d call or txt me so I thought things were going on the right track.
We got together the Friday before my birthday with my Jeff my brother, dad/Yolanda, and a few friends - I thought this a birthday thing (as that’s all we do for birthdays is dinner and maybe a card or two). We use to have cake when mom was here, and gifts stopped years ago with an exception here and there for big birthdays 21, 25… again when mom was here; Dad’s dinner and card kind of guy. Anyhoo after dinner he wanted to get together actually on my birthday the following Wednesday and makes a point to say he wanted to give me my b-day card.
I’m like ok 2 dinners, nice.
So we meet again at another restaurant almost the same group but without the friends and with Lilo, my grandmother. It’s a nice place, but an Italian seafood restaurant, I’m allergic to seafood and Jeff doesn’t like it, so we’re restricted to about four things off of the menu that doesn’t have seafood - yet dad can have his calamari o.O
Then birthday cards are given, and I open his card, it’s a non personal card of a group of cats on the front and when you open it they meow sing happy birthday. Inside he signed it Michael, Yolanda and kids. Yolanda teases that she poked him for a month to go and get something different. I sure I smile and nodded, but seriously I’m sitting there hurt and in shock. Then I watch as he takes the card and hands it to her to show her how he signed it adding her name and the kids (meaning her kids) - and their sitting there having this love moment completely oblivious that I’m hurt by his thoughtfulness.
The following week I went over to varkelton’s for Halloween and spent the night. She surprised with some lovely trinkets and totally made my birthday along with my week <33333333333
Jeff cancelled for our lunch date sighting he was too tired, but we talked for a while on the phone so I didn’t think anything of it. However the following week he did the same and over the phone we got into a fight. He was complaining worrying about rent. I told him that dad would probably help him out as he’s been doing since he got out. Thing was dad/Yolanda had gone away for a few days and was out of contact. I told Jeff just to talk to Jay his landlord (who lives on sight), tell him that you had to file for disability that you’ve been sick (something that was still painfully obvious by just looking at him) and that dad has to help you out so you’ll be a couple of days late.
Apparently that didn’t appease him and kept pointing out how he only had a couple of hundred dollars to his name. It was the way he did it like he wanted me to offer to help him without coming right out and asking. It got me on the defensive. Over the course of the year I had already given him close to $500. I’m poor, I clean houses for a living and though its decent money, I’m not making what I could have if I was twenty years younger because it’s physically grueling and everything takes me longer than it use to. The whole thing pinged me the wrong way and I got pissed. Mainly because since he’s been out his job took him back and within a month he was working full time at the same pay with bennys he had previously. He makes a little over what I do and is paying half the rent- that’s when I went off, where’s the damn money, what are you spending it on, haven’t you saved anything, what are you doing? Etc…. I don’t remember how the call ended if I hung up or he did, either way I was fuming and it took me at least a day to calm down enough to call back and apologize. Screaming about what one didn’t do right after the fact isn’t productive and he never does well when he’s stressed.
Anyway, it was back to not answering my call or txt messages. By the end of the week, concerned I drove over to his place. His car was there and though I was knocking on his window I had to call/txt to say I was there at his door, I still got no answer.
Then knocking at the front door, the owner Jay answered. I said I was Jeff’s sister and was there to see him. He invited me in and said he was going to call me- that when and how I found he was arrested again!
Turns out he didn’t call into to his PO, when they came they also did a search and they found evidence there, another phone he had secretly purchased. He’s back in until April. This was just before his birthday almost the same time he had been arrested in 2012 before mom passed away. I broke down then went to dad’s work and told him. A few days later I told him whatever he wants to do I’ll support him- I have no money or resources to help Jeff so IMO it’s whatever he’s comfortable with. His choice, was to continue to pay rent so he’ll still have his place then get his disability to either stay there, or find another place (the landlord was willing to let Jeff stay due to his medical condition in order to find something else, but not stay on permanently. Jay was upset Jeff lied and with cops showing up doesn’t want the drama.
The whole thing put me in a… well, not a good place. I don’t really remember what I did in Nov, I did try to turn to fandom and it worked a little just not enough. Thanksgiving was, I was - it was painfully obvious to anyone who cared to see that I was depressed. With mom’s anniversary approaching the weight of grief only got worse than deepened when I found out Bobby died unexpectedly.
Bobby was my cousin’s ex-husband but had always been around. I had crushed on him when I was a teenager. He also had helped me find and looked at, and approved of my first car I ever saved for and bought, an ’80 Chevy cavalier (he was a really good mechanic). We also had fights, or me fighting being exasperated with him (telling him not to tell the kids that he was going to get back together with their mother, my cousin Bernadette - she had already moved on and was with someone else. It was never going to happen and it bothered/pissed me off that he was hurting the kids by letting them hope for something that was never going to happen. Blatantly using them to try and make it happen, making her the bad guy.) Thing was Bobby was peter pan, the lovable guy that never grew up. They never did get back together, but did remain close friends over the years and well Bobby was Bobby, always laughing, smiling, and just a little (or a lot) screwed on rl shit. I saw him when I went back in Aug, he was the same. It was completely unexpected and just hit doubly hard for the timing and everything else that had happened.
Yes, I’m still in counseling, and try to work on this shit to get passed it. Though it’s not something you (or maybe that’s just me, I can’t) just snap my fingers and move on. I know I talk a lot about it in my head (maybe too much to friends) however I’ve stopped doing that recently because I had people point blank ask if I shouldn’t go on meds. The point being if they ask, ‘how are you’ they really don’t want the truth. They want me to stop grieving, be like I was before o.o
I don’t think I’m mistaken as I’ve lost some friends, haven’t heard from them because I’m not how I was a couple of years ago (lets party and get our drink on).
Unfortunately yes, I’m still grieving, yes I’m not in a lets go PARTY place. I’m pretty sure I’m passed the double fist drinks phase of my life. There’s a ton of shit I love and want to do, but a good majority isn’t what they want to do - we’re just in different places. It just makes some of this harder not having people I’ve been friends with for years have my back.
So I did what I always do threw myself into work (& my fic whenever my muse was there). Luckily I had a lot and stayed fairly busy. Through this I did decide I needed and wanted to create my own family - possibly the one thing I’ve regretted and don’t have.
However creating a family or even the one I have- acceptance is the key, none are or will ever be perfect. I need to learn to accept what I do have while going out there to find and create and make what I still want/need out of life and family.
Knowing that dad (Michael) whatever he wants to be referred to, would never be or know how to be the father I’d like. That he was/is an immature man, and simply a very obtuse man. He’s not going to change and if I want him in my life I need to change by stop hoping and wanting something from him that he can’t or is just incapable of giving.
He invited me over to his place for dinner (with Yolanda of course who lives there.) Note we haven’t spent any time alone except my 50th birthday (over a year ago) that I had to expressly ask for, otherwise a couple minutes outside Jeff’s room at the hospital. I swear he’s afraid to be alone with me. Anyhoo Yolanda was there, but wasn’t feeling well and had gone to bed. So we had dinner together. So I brought up why I had been distance at least emotionally that I was hurt over what Yolanda had said about their anniversary. He told me I must had misunderstood (I didn’t, but I do see men (him) and Yolanda might have different ideas/definitions on what qualifies as an anniversary.)
It didn’t matter because for the first time in years he really opened up to me and talked about mom. It wasn’t just his words, but his heart and it all showed in his eyes - he never stopped loving mom and that if Yolanda didn’t accept that mom was there in his heart that they wouldn’t be together. He gave me everything I wanted and needed to hear to help me to let go and move on.
So moving into the holidays (the following week), I decorated and actually went Xmas shopping. Though things with Jeff were still in turmoil, I felt a bit better. Not fantastic but better. However work still pressed on and writing commitments were still in play. But I felt that once work lightened up (beginning of the New Year) I was determined to start a new phase with the song ‘Let it Go’ playing as my theme - (and my fic, although not done was actually moving along).
Things were gearing toward that, then Happy New Years - I got a case of scabies (from a client I house sat for) then it was OMG!! After having it diagnosed it was clean, vacuum, wash, isolate - repeat! Then repeat again! I’m still itchy after 2 treatments. Btw, if you don’t know or haven’t heard of scabies, and go to look it up -warning- don’t look at any pictures if you’re squeamish - sadly I did and it’s freaked me out since /o\
That brings me up to last couple of weeks. Lilo, my grandmother ended back up in the hospital on the 22 however this time it wasn’t for a fall. After a few tests came back discovered she had congestive heart failure. I sat with her for a few days. Most of the weekend she was kind of out of it however Monday she was consciously aware, and in pain. I did the only thing I could and sat there holding her hand. It was obvious she knew what was happening and was scared. I take it was a gift because sadly she wasn’t aware with anyone else. Squeezing my hands afraid I’d let go, she thanked me. When I saw her Tuesday, she was unconscious and though they started the morphine she was agitated (it was much harder to see her like that than I thought it’d be). Before I left my place to go see her on Wednesday she passed away. Amanda came up with her kids to see her and once they left for lunch she passed away.
Overall at 93, not too bad, it was just hard to see her like that and it brought up a lot of memories of mom.
Later we met for dinner (dad/Yoland, Amanda her husband the kids and Brian). There dad pulled me aside, to tell me he discovered Jeff had other credit cards (had them secretly) and had opened them (forging dad’s name) back when he got out last time 2-13. The secret phone and these cards were taking $$ out of his checking that he shared with dad- meaning he’s been lying/stealing money all along. Dad closed the shared account and he will stop paying his rent and move his things into storage. Dad’s pissed and he’s done doing for Jeff. I don’t blame him, but to be honest I’m twisted up by the whole thing.
He’s my brother; I don’t know how to pretend he isn’t. So the other day before I started this update- I wrote him a letter. I had been avoiding answering his letters mainly because besides emotionally being hurt that he’s gone back to his old cycle of shit, I honestly didn’t know what to say. He’s doing stupid dumb shit, but medically nothing’s changed. He’s still has full blown HIV, prostate stones, having to use a catheter (because in jail they only do the minimal, and as long as you’re not dying on their watch then its good enough). He’s a drowning man refusing to help himself - I don’t have money, resources or the mental capacity to help him.
So my letter is to let him know (warn him) and hopefully he’ll figure out/use any resources that comes his way. He certainly isn’t stupid and got us to believe his lies and give him money. I only hope and pray this is his bottom and he’ll actually seek help.
Basically I had to let him know that when he gets out: he has no job (that was a given either way, he can’t work), his checking acct is closed (it was dad’s money that was in there paying on Jeff’s secret stash), that he also won’t have a place to live (I’m sure Jay will have it rented out by then - also he didn’t expect dad to pay his rent all this time. The 1st letter I got from Jeff he had asked that I save only his dvds - seriously!), his car is gone (it was mom’s. Actually dad took it and had it parked at his place. Before all this went down, because he’d drive it once a week, on one of those dives he heard something and took it in. Later he found out there something wrong that’s very pricey - dad said it wasn’t worth spending that kind of money to fix it and is going to donate it; he had been looking around to buy a used car to replace it, now that’s not going to happen either.) Lastly his stuff will be in storage - the only thing dad’s willing to do.
So the letter is written though I haven’t sent it - I won’t lie the whole thing is breaking my heart because I know this will be his fight or die moment and frankly I’m terrified it’ll be the latter. I know I can’t fix it or make him or anyone else fight, but it’s just hard to let go and watch them do whatever they’re going to do.
So I stopped writing this over the weekend as dad wanted to pack up Lilo’s and Jeff’s place putting everything into storage. At the moment rage and grief are driving him, and amazingly it all done. I was offered anything of Lilo’s I wanted, I didn’t think I would but as things go I did end up with a few things, even a couple of things from Jeff’s. Although of Jeff’s outside of paper towels/toilet paper and food anything else was nothing I wouldn’t give him back if he wanted them.
I went to bed early and slept!!!!! Just been so exhausted, physically but also mentally it’s all so draining.
At the same time I feel like I’m turning a corner, I can only hope and pray it’s for the better.