You guys don't have to read it, I just want to vent XD
I feel like I might be having some kind of winter depression thing XDD
I don't like my job at all these days. [tl;dr]Well, I never liked it much in the first place, it's a desk job, nothing else to say about it anyway. But lately I just can't motivate myself to do it. Today I was sitting at work doing nothing pretty much all day, I was just browsing various websites. I did send some business e-mails, but that's about it.
And I know I should shape up and do proper work, and last week even my colleagues noticed that my performance was not as good as it should be. This one time I ordered normal delivery where an express delivery was necessary - I'm pretty sure nobody told me about that though, but maybe they did, and I just missed it because I was spacing out... And the other time I was supposed to enter some things into our database, and a colleague asked how far I was with it, and I said I was doing great, and she said 'But I can see you have not actually entered any data yet' D: That was true, of course, but then I lied that I am compiling the preliminary data so that later input would be easier. Not sure if she believed me at all.
I almost feel like quitting this job and looking for a different one, but the problem is, I have no idea what I want to do in life. Like, none whatsoever. I could even say, there is nothing I want to do. That is pretty accurate. I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to eat oatmeal every morning (but I do because it's easy to cook and I don't have time or desire to cook anything more complex), I don't want to shower, I don't want to spend almost an hour on the bus, I don't want to sit there at work and do boring useless things... But I still do all that, except actually do my job.
As to personal life, [even more tl;dr and also talk of sex]whooo. Remember my not-exactly boyfriend? Last time I met him was before X-mas, I went to his place to have a sort of celebratory tea. And of course he would want to make out. I did mention to you before that I was not really interested in sex. But I guessed I would get interested the more we do it or at least I would get used to it. However, things are going pretty much the opposite way.
It all just feels gross. Well, not as gross as insects or something, but weird and unpleasant. Whenever we make out, I just mentally map out all the places he touched me so I could wash them off lately not to have a molecule of someone else's skin on me. I rinse out my nostrils afterwards because someone else's smell stays there. My stomach feels weird probably because I swallowed someone else's saliva and bacteria that live in it. And don't get me started on his preferences - all that stuff about wearing supposedly sexy costumes and collars just feels really stupid.
But last time I just couldn't take it. Must be some psychosomatic pains because we were not doing anything that I had not already done all by myself, but it still hurt, so I just pushed him away and said I was not in the mood. He took that in his stride (because I did get him off, so it's not like he should be upset about anything). And after that we had not seen each other until now because at first I was away, and then he went away to visit his relatives.
But on Sunday he'll be back, and he wants to come over. He already sent me a message saying how he missed making out with me and requested that I should make my hair into two pigtails because it is a cute look on me. The look on my face was pretty much
This is stupid, really. I'm nearly 30, for crying out loud. People of my age have no problem going to bars and having one-night-stands with random strangers who might have STDs. Why can't I enjoy intercourse with a reasonably attractive male who does not have health or hygiene problems? Surely one doesn't need to be in love to be interested in sex. If that were the case prostitutes would go out of business.
I'm thinking of breaking up with the guy, to be honest. It would have been nice if we could just be friends and hang out and talk about stuff, but the pressure of intimacy just takes all the fun out of all other relationship aspects. And it's not like he is too enthusiastic about those other aspects - now that I think about it, whenever we went somewhere together it was always my idea, how come he never invited me anywhere.
Also, I had never dated anyone before (well, never got further than a second date anyway, and there was nothing physical going on there), so at first this relationship was exciting, like 'omg, holding hands, and hugging, it does feel nice' but as soon as it got past that stage, I didn't like it anymore. Now that I think about it, maybe I was just missing human contact - I mean, I have no friends here and practically no relatives (only my uncle, and I sure am not holding hands with him or hugging him). So I mistook this interest in human contact for sexual interest on my part, while in fact I am asexual. Basically, it is all very complicated and I will be giving it some more thought.
And my online friendships [third installment of sob story]somehow don't work as nicely as they used to, I can't hold long conversations with people anymore because I don't know what to say, and my comments constantly get taken wrong, and the people who I used to talk to a lot suddenly don't talk to me anymore. There was this person that I really admired because of his creativity and sense of humour, and we had some pretty interesting conversations, but lately I just don't understand him anymore and can't seem to get a proper response out of him. And it's not like I could ask 'Are you disappointed that I'm not such an interesting person as I seemed before and is that the reason why our conversations don't work so well these days?' Everything is complicated. Must be a winter depression, no other explanation to it.
I don't like my job at all these days. [tl;dr]Well, I never liked it much in the first place, it's a desk job, nothing else to say about it anyway. But lately I just can't motivate myself to do it. Today I was sitting at work doing nothing pretty much all day, I was just browsing various websites. I did send some business e-mails, but that's about it.
And I know I should shape up and do proper work, and last week even my colleagues noticed that my performance was not as good as it should be. This one time I ordered normal delivery where an express delivery was necessary - I'm pretty sure nobody told me about that though, but maybe they did, and I just missed it because I was spacing out... And the other time I was supposed to enter some things into our database, and a colleague asked how far I was with it, and I said I was doing great, and she said 'But I can see you have not actually entered any data yet' D: That was true, of course, but then I lied that I am compiling the preliminary data so that later input would be easier. Not sure if she believed me at all.
I almost feel like quitting this job and looking for a different one, but the problem is, I have no idea what I want to do in life. Like, none whatsoever. I could even say, there is nothing I want to do. That is pretty accurate. I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to eat oatmeal every morning (but I do because it's easy to cook and I don't have time or desire to cook anything more complex), I don't want to shower, I don't want to spend almost an hour on the bus, I don't want to sit there at work and do boring useless things... But I still do all that, except actually do my job.
As to personal life, [even more tl;dr and also talk of sex]whooo. Remember my not-exactly boyfriend? Last time I met him was before X-mas, I went to his place to have a sort of celebratory tea. And of course he would want to make out. I did mention to you before that I was not really interested in sex. But I guessed I would get interested the more we do it or at least I would get used to it. However, things are going pretty much the opposite way.
It all just feels gross. Well, not as gross as insects or something, but weird and unpleasant. Whenever we make out, I just mentally map out all the places he touched me so I could wash them off lately not to have a molecule of someone else's skin on me. I rinse out my nostrils afterwards because someone else's smell stays there. My stomach feels weird probably because I swallowed someone else's saliva and bacteria that live in it. And don't get me started on his preferences - all that stuff about wearing supposedly sexy costumes and collars just feels really stupid.
But last time I just couldn't take it. Must be some psychosomatic pains because we were not doing anything that I had not already done all by myself, but it still hurt, so I just pushed him away and said I was not in the mood. He took that in his stride (because I did get him off, so it's not like he should be upset about anything). And after that we had not seen each other until now because at first I was away, and then he went away to visit his relatives.
But on Sunday he'll be back, and he wants to come over. He already sent me a message saying how he missed making out with me and requested that I should make my hair into two pigtails because it is a cute look on me. The look on my face was pretty much
This is stupid, really. I'm nearly 30, for crying out loud. People of my age have no problem going to bars and having one-night-stands with random strangers who might have STDs. Why can't I enjoy intercourse with a reasonably attractive male who does not have health or hygiene problems? Surely one doesn't need to be in love to be interested in sex. If that were the case prostitutes would go out of business.
I'm thinking of breaking up with the guy, to be honest. It would have been nice if we could just be friends and hang out and talk about stuff, but the pressure of intimacy just takes all the fun out of all other relationship aspects. And it's not like he is too enthusiastic about those other aspects - now that I think about it, whenever we went somewhere together it was always my idea, how come he never invited me anywhere.
Also, I had never dated anyone before (well, never got further than a second date anyway, and there was nothing physical going on there), so at first this relationship was exciting, like 'omg, holding hands, and hugging, it does feel nice' but as soon as it got past that stage, I didn't like it anymore. Now that I think about it, maybe I was just missing human contact - I mean, I have no friends here and practically no relatives (only my uncle, and I sure am not holding hands with him or hugging him). So I mistook this interest in human contact for sexual interest on my part, while in fact I am asexual. Basically, it is all very complicated and I will be giving it some more thought.
And my online friendships [third installment of sob story]somehow don't work as nicely as they used to, I can't hold long conversations with people anymore because I don't know what to say, and my comments constantly get taken wrong, and the people who I used to talk to a lot suddenly don't talk to me anymore. There was this person that I really admired because of his creativity and sense of humour, and we had some pretty interesting conversations, but lately I just don't understand him anymore and can't seem to get a proper response out of him. And it's not like I could ask 'Are you disappointed that I'm not such an interesting person as I seemed before and is that the reason why our conversations don't work so well these days?' Everything is complicated. Must be a winter depression, no other explanation to it.