Talking things out
After six years I still don't know how to deal with this. Medications don't seem to work, not in conjunction with therapy and not outside of therapy. Trying to force myself out of my lethargy and apathy doesn't seem to work too well, either. What ends up happening is I end up more miserable and anxious in positive situations since I can't seem to bring myself to fully enjoying the presence of others. Cognitive therapy hasn't really helped either, since my emotions seem to be very alien to my thoughts most of the time; the emotions don't necessarily heel just because my mind is jerking at the leash.
And yet at the same time I want nothing more than to reach out and touch someone.
And you know what? I'm not claiming pitch. Every few days something will rouse me out of this bear trap, and little crystalline moments will appear. Prisms of moments, where I'll see thrill for what it really is. Nothing besides God is so pervasive as to be absolute. This is not part of God. The problem is the transience of clarity. The problem is this mud, this dirt, spilling out every oriface of my three bodies.
But I can't do this, I know that. That is, to stay trapped in this eraser of a mind. This frame of mind is too out of sync with where I think my heart is. It scares the crap out of me sometimes, too.
So, what to do? There's something. I know there must be something.
I don't want to leave this on a negative note, because things aren't all bad. I'm just having trouble understanding that right now. I'm thinking out loud and hoping to come to an answer.
Skye.