Denny, Bringer of Death
Whilst happily sitting watching Battlestar Galactica on DVD with libellum and romauld just now, I heard a scuffling sound in the kitchen. Glancing across, we all saw that bloody squirrel*, perched on the edge of the bin, making a daring daytime food run. The squirrel had already been the subject of discussion once today, due to it having crapped all over the kitchen when we went out to buy ingredients for breakfast.
* for those not on libellum's friends list, a brief summary: squirrel falls in through roof-hatch in kitchen. Squirrel runs around like a lunatic, breaking things and pissing everywhere. libellum swears a lot. Squirrel eventually presumed to have left flat via open back door, but this some weeks later turned out to be not the case. More swearing.
This time, I think I actually heard something inside libellum's head go 'twang' as it snapped, and so we hastily started making plans to rid the world flat of squirrels.
Our eventual plan included pinning sheets over the open archway and open hatch between the kitchen and frontroom to stop it having the run of the entire place, then moving everything away from the fridges that the bloody thing has been hiding behind, then moving both the fridges, then engaging in a comedy slapstick-style chasing of squirrel around kitchen - libellum armed with a broom, and me with a mop - in the hope of getting it to run out of the conveniently open back door.
This didn't get us very far, other than revealing a couple of new hiding places which we promptly dismantled, and also revealing an astoundingly large puddle of piss that the squirrel had left along one wall on its earler excursion.
After herding it in the direction of the open back door two dozen times, only to see it turn around at the last minute and dive back around us into the (warm, food-filled, perfect hibernating location known to us as the) flat, we eventually conceded that it wasn't going to be chased out, and so we started trying to kill it instead.
The comedy pretty much left the event entirely when I finally managed to see a pattern in its movements, anticipate which way it was about to run, and subsequently battered it to death with a metal pole that we'd found in one of the corners it had gone to ground in earlier in the chase.
Of course, I now feel like a complete and utter bastard. Even when it was running around making us look like idiots, with the place stinking of squirrel piss, it was small, cute, furry, and cute. And cute. And then I bashed its head in with a metal stick. It still looked furry and cute, as well as more than faintly accusatory, as it laid there twitching and dying, with blood dribbling out of its mouth.
So. Hopefully libellum will now get over the nervous twitch she'd been developing whenever anyone used the word squirrel, and the other one that she had for whenever anything moved in the kitchen area. I, on the other hand, am going to find it very hard to look the next squirrel I meet in the eye.
We now return to our regular scheduled programming.
* for those not on libellum's friends list, a brief summary: squirrel falls in through roof-hatch in kitchen. Squirrel runs around like a lunatic, breaking things and pissing everywhere. libellum swears a lot. Squirrel eventually presumed to have left flat via open back door, but this some weeks later turned out to be not the case. More swearing.
This time, I think I actually heard something inside libellum's head go 'twang' as it snapped, and so we hastily started making plans to rid the world flat of squirrels.
Our eventual plan included pinning sheets over the open archway and open hatch between the kitchen and frontroom to stop it having the run of the entire place, then moving everything away from the fridges that the bloody thing has been hiding behind, then moving both the fridges, then engaging in a comedy slapstick-style chasing of squirrel around kitchen - libellum armed with a broom, and me with a mop - in the hope of getting it to run out of the conveniently open back door.
This didn't get us very far, other than revealing a couple of new hiding places which we promptly dismantled, and also revealing an astoundingly large puddle of piss that the squirrel had left along one wall on its earler excursion.
After herding it in the direction of the open back door two dozen times, only to see it turn around at the last minute and dive back around us into the (warm, food-filled, perfect hibernating location known to us as the) flat, we eventually conceded that it wasn't going to be chased out, and so we started trying to kill it instead.
The comedy pretty much left the event entirely when I finally managed to see a pattern in its movements, anticipate which way it was about to run, and subsequently battered it to death with a metal pole that we'd found in one of the corners it had gone to ground in earlier in the chase.
Of course, I now feel like a complete and utter bastard. Even when it was running around making us look like idiots, with the place stinking of squirrel piss, it was small, cute, furry, and cute. And cute. And then I bashed its head in with a metal stick. It still looked furry and cute, as well as more than faintly accusatory, as it laid there twitching and dying, with blood dribbling out of its mouth.
So. Hopefully libellum will now get over the nervous twitch she'd been developing whenever anyone used the word squirrel, and the other one that she had for whenever anything moved in the kitchen area. I, on the other hand, am going to find it very hard to look the next squirrel I meet in the eye.
We now return to our regular scheduled programming.