Diary Excerpt 2nd November, 4
[Back online! Hallelujah...]
19
Crisis Management
Everything was fine just now. I wrote, joked, ate. Looked around. Listened and talked. John texted.
It was all going so well…until it suddenly dropped away like a roller-coaster heading down a mine-shaft.
I guess this was how it happened yesterday. I was quite happy drinking my juice and reading my book and occasionally watching what was happening around me-and thinking about suicide.
Then I got tired.
And then I crashed.
This is exactly how I feel now. I want to sleep. I want to hide under the pillows. And even now, while I am laughing and joking and waiting for things to happen, I have not for one moment stopped thinking about suicide.
I should go out and do something. I want-need-to be among people.
If I were to describe the state of mind I'm in right now, I'd say I could jump out of the window without hesitation. But this isn't like the rage I felt yesterday when I couldn't escape. It's more of a dizzy feeling; almost a yearning for it to end.
It's a good thing that the windows here are only about three feet off the ground.
*
Something that Dr. Nouch has said comes to mind:
nbsp; a) Do not give in.
nbsp; b) Do not lie down.
It's my choice. It's always been my choice.
But how can you want to both run and jump at the same time?
Here I am, wired to a monitor, and my heart feels like it's dissolving in my chest and yet everything is absolutely normal and I have the damn data to prove it.
So what's going on?
Before I can think about this too much, distraction arrives in the form of a bowl of soup. Sometimes that's all that is needed. During the thirty minutes that this crisis has lasted I couldn't read. My concentration was impaired. Watching TV or even reading a tabloid newspaper would have been too taxing, but looking at pictures, listening to music, doodling and scribbling are OK. It occurs to me that Sudoku could be a good measure of my mental state. If I'm depressed I'd be slow and lose interest before the puzzle is solved. If I'm hyper I'll be rash and make mistakes. But I might become obsessed with doing it really fast. Just like knitting or nibbling on sunflower seeds, Sudoku could prove to be a great distraction.
Lunch is over and I'm feeling dizzy again. I think it's because my mind is coaxing me to go to sleep. I must not allow it.
I really wish I had a Sudoku book.
John called just before two. I swear this is only the seventh call I have ever received on this phone.
I take back what I've said about my unerringly normal blood pressure. It's currently at 95/59. Maybe it's the stale air. For what it's worth all kinds of bugs are making the rounds right now, and one of them seems to have settled in my stomach. This is in addition to all the other shit that people are suffering from which makes them turn up here in the first place.