Writing again

[denimgoddess]

I find the title of my LJ hilarious as I reread it years later- being forthwright is not something I have been good about in a long time. It is more like something I aspire to and admire in others- I have a highly developed filter. As a step forward in that direction, I am writing poetry again, and until I find an appropriate spot for it, I am putting it here, because I just have to.

Being Human is Hard

For a long time, I kept everything inside.
Then my father died, and my outsides became my insides,
and I am not sure why I ever held on to so much.
I think it was my gift to him.
I was telling him in my own way,
"My love is so big, I will keep your secrets."
But now it doesn't matter,
and there is no reason to be shy anymore.
It has just been so long since I put pen t paper
and gushed my heart onto a page,
unashamed of the pain,
and the beauty,
and the honesty.

I remember when he first read my poetry.
He cried.
I stopped.
There was enough pain,
And I wasn't put here to inflict it.
I was put here to love.
But love is squishy,
and messy,
but I didn't know that,
And being human is hard.

He always, deep down,
wanted me to be me.
But, being human is hard,
and he also wanted me to be quiet,
and good,
and thin,
and I could always only be good at one of those at a time,
but I tried,
because I love.

Now the quiet is slowly lifting.
I am putting good in the world,
and ironically I am thin,
now that I don't think about it so much.
I can feel him smiling,
because it is all he ever wanted-
for me to be me,
but being human is hard.