I am sooooo lucky.
Things have been really crazy these past few weeks. An emotional roller coaster. Until now, I thought I could carry good form through anything. I thought I could do it all on my own. Just not get overwhelmed w/ things. Focus on what I could do today. Don't worry about things until there's something to worry about.
I've been entirely smacked and schooled on two different fronts.
The first is a matter of faith. A year ago I would of told you that people believe in God because they NEED to believe in a god. In order to make this life bearable, people need to believe that it WILL GET BETTER (even if only in the afterlife). I'd dismissed myself from any company praying or looking to a higher being for guidance, forgiveness, stregth, etc.
Now: I've surrendered my ego. I was born in the church and although, I do not subscribe to that religion (or any) entirely. I do admit that I believe in a higher being above. A god. And what I've done, is begun to search for a relationship. I believe I am a good person, I believe I am worthy to ask for help. I believe that I can leave my troubles to him. I do. I did and I have felt true power. Power in prayer. Power in the kindness of strangers. Telling us that they and their friends are praying for my father. Praying for a successful surgery. Praying for a quick recovery. It meant the world to my father knowing that so many people cared about his well-being. I'm sure it makes a world of a difference in knowing that so many people are rooting for you - even when they don't even know you.
Secondly. I've found an intimacy unlike anything I've ever known. I've always had a hard time letting my guard down. I hate being stripped of my strength. I feel embarrassed when vulnerable. Slowly, but surely...Somaly has stripped away at my walls. Only to embrace me in her strong and gentle arms. I've never felt so naked with anyone (figuratively). I mean, it's easy to expose yourself and have sex...but to see me at my weakest point - not very many people have. Not even my family.
I've learned that it's ok. WIth her, I am safe...no matter what form I take. And for that I am truly in love and in awe of her.
My first 20 years, I found myself trying to figure out, formulate who I was, what I believed in, what side of the fence I was on. I fought for myself. Declared, "I am here!". I was on a mission to save the world. I was convinced I could do it, that'd i'd found the answers. I was convinced I knew how my life would pan out.
I'm 30 now and I'm starting to realize that life is an ongoing puzzle that takes different forms and right when you think you've put in the last piece to complete the picture...the picture moves, and you're just another piece that has to re-form itself to fit. It's rather humbling, actually...to know things are not so black and white.
Makes me think of that line from Hedwig: "Deny me and be doomed". I think this is a truth that needs to be reckoned with by everyone sooner or later.
I've been entirely smacked and schooled on two different fronts.
The first is a matter of faith. A year ago I would of told you that people believe in God because they NEED to believe in a god. In order to make this life bearable, people need to believe that it WILL GET BETTER (even if only in the afterlife). I'd dismissed myself from any company praying or looking to a higher being for guidance, forgiveness, stregth, etc.
Now: I've surrendered my ego. I was born in the church and although, I do not subscribe to that religion (or any) entirely. I do admit that I believe in a higher being above. A god. And what I've done, is begun to search for a relationship. I believe I am a good person, I believe I am worthy to ask for help. I believe that I can leave my troubles to him. I do. I did and I have felt true power. Power in prayer. Power in the kindness of strangers. Telling us that they and their friends are praying for my father. Praying for a successful surgery. Praying for a quick recovery. It meant the world to my father knowing that so many people cared about his well-being. I'm sure it makes a world of a difference in knowing that so many people are rooting for you - even when they don't even know you.
Secondly. I've found an intimacy unlike anything I've ever known. I've always had a hard time letting my guard down. I hate being stripped of my strength. I feel embarrassed when vulnerable. Slowly, but surely...Somaly has stripped away at my walls. Only to embrace me in her strong and gentle arms. I've never felt so naked with anyone (figuratively). I mean, it's easy to expose yourself and have sex...but to see me at my weakest point - not very many people have. Not even my family.
I've learned that it's ok. WIth her, I am safe...no matter what form I take. And for that I am truly in love and in awe of her.
My first 20 years, I found myself trying to figure out, formulate who I was, what I believed in, what side of the fence I was on. I fought for myself. Declared, "I am here!". I was on a mission to save the world. I was convinced I could do it, that'd i'd found the answers. I was convinced I knew how my life would pan out.
I'm 30 now and I'm starting to realize that life is an ongoing puzzle that takes different forms and right when you think you've put in the last piece to complete the picture...the picture moves, and you're just another piece that has to re-form itself to fit. It's rather humbling, actually...to know things are not so black and white.
Makes me think of that line from Hedwig: "Deny me and be doomed". I think this is a truth that needs to be reckoned with by everyone sooner or later.