the reappearing disappearing me...
i miss you all.
i miss talking to mitrian about story ideas and doing too much math to work out solar output
i miss reading kasan's comics miss
reading gryph's stories
i miss duh-i-read's wonderful fanfic - she's one of like FOUR people who write fanfic i ACTUALLY LIKE
i miss courtney [and still owe her $200-ish]
i miss shara's bookclub
i miss tanyd and tapati and...
i miss you all
and i suck
i am so beyond depressed. it's irrational, where i am. i often wonder if i'm not actually dead, and i'm just haunting my apartment.
i can't bring myself to care about anything enough to anything about anything. i've been trying to write THIS post for over a week, and everytime before now i've started, i just couldn't.
i think i gave up? i don't know. at all.
i'm lost and i can't even see a path, i can't find north, and i can't figure out why should even bother to try. so i just lie here, day after day, because what else am i going to do? there's nothing else. nothing that's *better* anyway. i'm in a trap and i don't know why and i don't know how to get out and i don't know if it's even worth it to try and get out because then what would i do? i still can't do anything, i have no future.
and people keep telling me i do. and get mad at me when ask "what", because they sure as fuck don't see one either, but it doesn't matter, does it? i'm not allowed to be "selfish", gods forbid. all i'm allowed to do is float here in hell.
so that's why i disappeared. i don't know if this is a reappearance in truth, or just me haunting someplace else.
but i miss you all. you were all there when i asked for help. i can't ever thank you enough for that.
i miss talking to mitrian about story ideas and doing too much math to work out solar output
i miss reading kasan's comics miss
reading gryph's stories
i miss duh-i-read's wonderful fanfic - she's one of like FOUR people who write fanfic i ACTUALLY LIKE
i miss courtney [and still owe her $200-ish]
i miss shara's bookclub
i miss tanyd and tapati and...
i miss you all
and i suck
i am so beyond depressed. it's irrational, where i am. i often wonder if i'm not actually dead, and i'm just haunting my apartment.
i can't bring myself to care about anything enough to anything about anything. i've been trying to write THIS post for over a week, and everytime before now i've started, i just couldn't.
i think i gave up? i don't know. at all.
i'm lost and i can't even see a path, i can't find north, and i can't figure out why should even bother to try. so i just lie here, day after day, because what else am i going to do? there's nothing else. nothing that's *better* anyway. i'm in a trap and i don't know why and i don't know how to get out and i don't know if it's even worth it to try and get out because then what would i do? i still can't do anything, i have no future.
and people keep telling me i do. and get mad at me when ask "what", because they sure as fuck don't see one either, but it doesn't matter, does it? i'm not allowed to be "selfish", gods forbid. all i'm allowed to do is float here in hell.
so that's why i disappeared. i don't know if this is a reappearance in truth, or just me haunting someplace else.
but i miss you all. you were all there when i asked for help. i can't ever thank you enough for that.