who am i??
Who am i?
Truthfully, i don't know anymore... i lost myself...
changing for people and being depressed. wishing someone would just like me for me.
when i was young, i wanted everything, to get married, and have my dad ( the only man in the world who was accepting of me.) to walk me down the aisle to another man who would love me for me till the end of time.
a family, kids of my own. thinking oh that would be soo much fun!
but life changes.
I started changing myself to be a better partner for for Genki, i Wanted to be perfect for him.
but there is no such thing as perfect. I lost everything after i started changing.
Then he leaves back home because he can longer stay here, then the one man i could truly count on was taken from me.
My dreams were lost.
Because all I ever wanted was to be happy and keep the life i had with my family and someone i cared about.
Now here I am, 26 years old, I don't want kids... i don't care if i get married because marriage no longer has the meaning it once did.
and i have no clue who i am anymore.
I have lost my self along with my self worth, and I never really had confidence to begin with... I was always the shy one.
and when i try to find any ounce of courage, i get squashed by people saying i don't need that or they put me down. and it hurts all the damn time.
I have heard from several people tell me i'm strong, but i'm not.
All I am is someone who is afraid to disappoint those who i want to love me, but end up getting walked on.
I end up getting crushed and used.
and it hurts so bad day in and day out feeling like I will never be good enough for anyone to accept me.
All i want is to be loved, accepted, and protected.
Not that Michael doesn't try to encourage me. he tells me he loves me and i believe him, but sometimes i feel that he doesn't accept me, even if he is over protective of me.
But how am I to even get all of that when i can't even do that for myself.
I also wish i could have stayed close with my sister as well, but that all changed when i found out she could ever steal from me... and i wish so bad that it could be like it once was.
She protected me when we were young.
I was to scared to even have the courage to knock on someone's door... I'm as pathetic as i was then if not more now.
But her confidence in herself makes me jealous. I wish i had that, and i get told to fake it till i make it, but i don't even know how to do that.
How do you fake something you never had with everyone always stepping on you when you try?
Anytime i try someone finds a way to crush me.
Truthfully, i don't know anymore... i lost myself...
changing for people and being depressed. wishing someone would just like me for me.
when i was young, i wanted everything, to get married, and have my dad ( the only man in the world who was accepting of me.) to walk me down the aisle to another man who would love me for me till the end of time.
a family, kids of my own. thinking oh that would be soo much fun!
but life changes.
I started changing myself to be a better partner for for Genki, i Wanted to be perfect for him.
but there is no such thing as perfect. I lost everything after i started changing.
Then he leaves back home because he can longer stay here, then the one man i could truly count on was taken from me.
My dreams were lost.
Because all I ever wanted was to be happy and keep the life i had with my family and someone i cared about.
Now here I am, 26 years old, I don't want kids... i don't care if i get married because marriage no longer has the meaning it once did.
and i have no clue who i am anymore.
I have lost my self along with my self worth, and I never really had confidence to begin with... I was always the shy one.
and when i try to find any ounce of courage, i get squashed by people saying i don't need that or they put me down. and it hurts all the damn time.
I have heard from several people tell me i'm strong, but i'm not.
All I am is someone who is afraid to disappoint those who i want to love me, but end up getting walked on.
I end up getting crushed and used.
and it hurts so bad day in and day out feeling like I will never be good enough for anyone to accept me.
All i want is to be loved, accepted, and protected.
Not that Michael doesn't try to encourage me. he tells me he loves me and i believe him, but sometimes i feel that he doesn't accept me, even if he is over protective of me.
But how am I to even get all of that when i can't even do that for myself.
I also wish i could have stayed close with my sister as well, but that all changed when i found out she could ever steal from me... and i wish so bad that it could be like it once was.
She protected me when we were young.
I was to scared to even have the courage to knock on someone's door... I'm as pathetic as i was then if not more now.
But her confidence in herself makes me jealous. I wish i had that, and i get told to fake it till i make it, but i don't even know how to do that.
How do you fake something you never had with everyone always stepping on you when you try?
Anytime i try someone finds a way to crush me.