Shared Spaces...
Short of living in a cave on a mountaintop or a cabin in the hills, we have to share space with other critters pretending to be people. I say 'pretending' because entirely too many of them are either robots, herdbeasties, flighty birds, or bugs. (Which reminds me of the shamanic lesson I got on spiritguides -- we were told not to pick up insects, no matter how curious we were -- because they don't remap well to mammal-mind thinking.)
Everyone else, we have to share space with. And the topic came up on how we decide our space should be shared -- everything from divvying up a country to who gets to decide what radio station gets played when driving. (Cue Homer Simpson, to Lisa: 'When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station.')
It's a matter of picking one person's consideration over another's -- none of this bit about compromise unless you can share an interest.
Arugably, there are territorial considerations -- such as 'if you are a guest in my house, you shouldn't be able to play music on my stereo that I absolutely hate'
-- but hang on a moment. Who's the 'you' in that statement?
Sure. Still an easy answer, but I bet you had to think about it a little bit more.
The answer is 'politeness.' Or 'consideration.'
But how many of us know more people who are impolite and inconsiderate than we can count on fingers and toes?
"Sure, but I don't live with them." At least, I hope that's what you can say for yourself.
But I bet you have some friends (or friends of friends) that are. Tolerance by association, indeedy.
And how many of us live alone, indeedy? When it's no longer just your space, now you start getting into full-time compromise mode. Oh wait. We already covered that -- make it full time 'consideration' mode. (Cue Odd Couple music.)
We don't always have a choice who we live with. We might not always get the choice whose consideration is the stronger of the two -- and in reality, in such situations, one person is giving implicit right-of-way to the other person's needs.
One of mine: I'm allergic to pets. Not so much that I'd die, mind you, but cat allergies give me breathing problems after about two to five hours. Which means not only do I not own pets (and someone living with me would not be able to own them either), but I am less inclined to visit people who have 'em.
Do I have that right? It's an allergy, not a preference, but yet I've had people get unhappy because I never came to visit them at their place.
Consideration. Someone wins. Someone loses.
When you live with someone, that same issue will come up over and over. When you love someone, the issue can turn into a point of contention -- because you can't leave.
In a perfect world, you and your chosen living partner(s) are close enough in likes and dislikes, and any differences are no-conflict issues for your roommates.
But we all know what they say about a perfect world. And the likelihood of avoiding conflicts goes down the more people you live with.
But then, they aren't really solutions, are they?
Damn this need to have others close in our lives, anyway. For needing to have relationships, someone to share a bed with at night, someone to have pups with (for those of you who are into that), and someone to keep us from being alone.
But then again, step back: we also have to share a neighborhood with our neighbors, a road with people who won't share, and office/class space with people who have less-than-desirable characteristics.
Step back: We share a world; we share a universe.
We share an existence simply by existing at the same time as everyone -- and everything else.
Are you going to be a person who shares, and risk giving away your right to consideration -- or are you going to be a non-sharer, and make other folks unhappy for the sake of your own happiness?
Tough call, isn't it.
One of the strongest Coyote tenets is 'Vote with your feet.' But then again, that's the philosophy of a hunter/scavenger type.
And sometimes, there's nowhere to run.
Heavy thoughts, indeed...
-Denali
- Robots
Folks who just follow a set of routines and decision trees which don't do anything except execute a program that gets them to the end of their programmed day, only to reboot the next time the sun comes up (pun intended). - Herdbeasties
Folks who pick a leader to follow without question. Who don't think any of their actions might be questionable, or downright wrong -- because their leader tells them so. No matter how much we're supposed to belong to a country of free thinkers here, an awful lot of us let our thinking go free in favor of someone else's. - Flighty birds:
Folks who lack the conviction of sticking with a path once they've decided on it -- the picture in my head is one from my childhood -- being able to run into a bunch of pigeons in a park and making the entire bunch scatter away from the food they were happily eating 'til I came along. This is akin to one person yelling loud enough to get their way. - Bugs
Folks who just... well, crawl all over everyone without mind to what the other person thinks of them. The folks you have an unfounded creepy-crawly feeling about -- some of them don't even try to act like people.
Everyone else, we have to share space with. And the topic came up on how we decide our space should be shared -- everything from divvying up a country to who gets to decide what radio station gets played when driving. (Cue Homer Simpson, to Lisa: 'When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station.')
It's a matter of picking one person's consideration over another's -- none of this bit about compromise unless you can share an interest.
Arugably, there are territorial considerations -- such as 'if you are a guest in my house, you shouldn't be able to play music on my stereo that I absolutely hate'
-- but hang on a moment. Who's the 'you' in that statement?
- If the 'you' is the guest, what if I want to share a musical piece that you haven't heard before? Or don't know that you hate my music? Or what if I'm a famous musician and you ask me what kind of stuff I'm working on?
- If the 'you' is the host -- it's still my house, and maybe you haven't given my music a chance. Or my music is very important to me, and because I invited you in, I should have the right to be myself around you.
Sure. Still an easy answer, but I bet you had to think about it a little bit more.
The answer is 'politeness.' Or 'consideration.'
But how many of us know more people who are impolite and inconsiderate than we can count on fingers and toes?
"Sure, but I don't live with them." At least, I hope that's what you can say for yourself.
But I bet you have some friends (or friends of friends) that are. Tolerance by association, indeedy.
And how many of us live alone, indeedy? When it's no longer just your space, now you start getting into full-time compromise mode. Oh wait. We already covered that -- make it full time 'consideration' mode. (Cue Odd Couple music.)
We don't always have a choice who we live with. We might not always get the choice whose consideration is the stronger of the two -- and in reality, in such situations, one person is giving implicit right-of-way to the other person's needs.
One of mine: I'm allergic to pets. Not so much that I'd die, mind you, but cat allergies give me breathing problems after about two to five hours. Which means not only do I not own pets (and someone living with me would not be able to own them either), but I am less inclined to visit people who have 'em.
Do I have that right? It's an allergy, not a preference, but yet I've had people get unhappy because I never came to visit them at their place.
Consideration. Someone wins. Someone loses.
When you live with someone, that same issue will come up over and over. When you love someone, the issue can turn into a point of contention -- because you can't leave.
In a perfect world, you and your chosen living partner(s) are close enough in likes and dislikes, and any differences are no-conflict issues for your roommates.
But we all know what they say about a perfect world. And the likelihood of avoiding conflicts goes down the more people you live with.
- The most effective solution seems to be to carve out individual space within the house, and to do what you want within your space. But it doesn't work when there are bathrooms and kitchens and living rooms to be shared. And hiding in your room gets you branded as 'anti-social.'
- The second most effective solution seems to be 'rotating frequency' -- everyone gets their day in the sun. Unfortunately, that requires dividing lines that aren't always even -- 'whose turn is it to take out the trash again?' versus 'I'll just leave it til it's Graham's turn to do the dishes...' tricks.
- The third most effective solution is to play 'lowest common denominator' -- like ordering a just-cheese pizza because nobody likes everyone else's toppings -- but then nobody's happy because everyone feels they're giving something up.
- The fourth most effective solution is to nominate a head of household, and just go with their preferences. One person has the final say on things, but it tends to stink for everyone else.
- The sixth most effective solution is for the person with the most preferences being offended to make up the difference in extra work, extra time, or leaving the room/house when the other(s) are doing things they don't care for.
But then, they aren't really solutions, are they?
Damn this need to have others close in our lives, anyway. For needing to have relationships, someone to share a bed with at night, someone to have pups with (for those of you who are into that), and someone to keep us from being alone.
But then again, step back: we also have to share a neighborhood with our neighbors, a road with people who won't share, and office/class space with people who have less-than-desirable characteristics.
Step back: We share a world; we share a universe.
We share an existence simply by existing at the same time as everyone -- and everything else.
Are you going to be a person who shares, and risk giving away your right to consideration -- or are you going to be a non-sharer, and make other folks unhappy for the sake of your own happiness?
Tough call, isn't it.
One of the strongest Coyote tenets is 'Vote with your feet.' But then again, that's the philosophy of a hunter/scavenger type.
And sometimes, there's nowhere to run.
Heavy thoughts, indeed...
-Denali