Higbee '08: The space initiative
I'm a big supporter of space exploration, and I have a very special goal for my Administration: the first manned mission to the Sun. I think there is much to be learned about how the Sun works and fusion in general. I also think it's a great way to get rid of extremely annoying people.
To qualify for the manned mission to the Sun, you have to be annoying above and beyond the call of the merely normally annoying. Ben Affleck, for example, is unlikely to ever qualify for the Sun mission-even as half of Bennifer, he just never rose above normal levels of annoying. Now, Rosie O'Donnell, on the other hand, thanks to her patronizing faux-niceness and horrifying hypocrisy (next time you attack someone on live television for their NRA membership, try not to have your hand in K-Mart's cookie jar), has her seat all reserved.
Britney Spears, despite clearly being an utter airhead and the purveyor of destructive messages about self-image, will likely never qualify-she's a symptom, not a disease. Lindsay Lohan, because of her ugly shenanegans and her firm belief that the world cares that she's in a feud with Hillary Duff (newsflash, Lindsay: most of us can't tell you apart) is much closer.
Pete Rose is in. Palmiero, thanks to his positive steroid test, is inching closer. Mark McGwire, despite his waffling on the subject would never qualify. He's just not annoying and hypocritical enough. Gary Sheffield might get to be Captain. Or he might not get on at all. He is at least utterly honest about being an asshole.
I don't know if there's a statute of limitations; if there isn't, Mark Chmura has a seat, too. Jeremy Shockey, to pick an example not at random, is an annoying human being. He's almost a caricature of the mentally-arrested misogynistic spoiled pro athlete. But he's not out-of-the-ordinary annoying. He's just a jerk-possibly a bigger jerk than most, but still just a jerk. Mark Chmura, on the other hand, had the temerity to refuse to visit the White House when the Packers won the Super Bowl because of what he termed President Clinton's immoral antics. This would be acceptable, if he wasn't arrested and charged a couple years later with sexual assault involving an incident of what may or may not have been consensual sex with his 17-year-old babysitter. Right this way: You get the "Don't lecture me on morals unless you got 'em" seat.
It's not a partisan thing. Rick Santorum gets on not because he is the batshit looniest conservative in the Senate (he's not even in the Top Five; I'd pick Tom Coburn as #1, but that's just me), but because he's a) a Pennsylvania Senator who lives in West Virginia to avoid paying Pennsylvania taxes; b) the obnoxious sonofabitch who said that Boston's "liberal culture" was to blame for the Catholic Church's pedophilia scandal, even though the scandal was country-wide, and included Dioceses that Santorum himself had lived in and donated money to; and c) convinced that two-income families are always the result of moral failings and never due to economic issues-an opinion onerous on so many levels that it's impossible to describe, but also complicated by the fact that he claimed in an interview that he occasionally gets help from his parents because his Senator's salary of $162,500 isn't enough to make ends meet. Twit.
Again, I think this initiative will get bipartisan support (well, outside of Senator Santorum's family). So let me know who you think should be on the rocket to the Sun. Together we can make it happen. (Or at least talk about it. It's probably unconstitutional.)
To qualify for the manned mission to the Sun, you have to be annoying above and beyond the call of the merely normally annoying. Ben Affleck, for example, is unlikely to ever qualify for the Sun mission-even as half of Bennifer, he just never rose above normal levels of annoying. Now, Rosie O'Donnell, on the other hand, thanks to her patronizing faux-niceness and horrifying hypocrisy (next time you attack someone on live television for their NRA membership, try not to have your hand in K-Mart's cookie jar), has her seat all reserved.
Britney Spears, despite clearly being an utter airhead and the purveyor of destructive messages about self-image, will likely never qualify-she's a symptom, not a disease. Lindsay Lohan, because of her ugly shenanegans and her firm belief that the world cares that she's in a feud with Hillary Duff (newsflash, Lindsay: most of us can't tell you apart) is much closer.
Pete Rose is in. Palmiero, thanks to his positive steroid test, is inching closer. Mark McGwire, despite his waffling on the subject would never qualify. He's just not annoying and hypocritical enough. Gary Sheffield might get to be Captain. Or he might not get on at all. He is at least utterly honest about being an asshole.
I don't know if there's a statute of limitations; if there isn't, Mark Chmura has a seat, too. Jeremy Shockey, to pick an example not at random, is an annoying human being. He's almost a caricature of the mentally-arrested misogynistic spoiled pro athlete. But he's not out-of-the-ordinary annoying. He's just a jerk-possibly a bigger jerk than most, but still just a jerk. Mark Chmura, on the other hand, had the temerity to refuse to visit the White House when the Packers won the Super Bowl because of what he termed President Clinton's immoral antics. This would be acceptable, if he wasn't arrested and charged a couple years later with sexual assault involving an incident of what may or may not have been consensual sex with his 17-year-old babysitter. Right this way: You get the "Don't lecture me on morals unless you got 'em" seat.
It's not a partisan thing. Rick Santorum gets on not because he is the batshit looniest conservative in the Senate (he's not even in the Top Five; I'd pick Tom Coburn as #1, but that's just me), but because he's a) a Pennsylvania Senator who lives in West Virginia to avoid paying Pennsylvania taxes; b) the obnoxious sonofabitch who said that Boston's "liberal culture" was to blame for the Catholic Church's pedophilia scandal, even though the scandal was country-wide, and included Dioceses that Santorum himself had lived in and donated money to; and c) convinced that two-income families are always the result of moral failings and never due to economic issues-an opinion onerous on so many levels that it's impossible to describe, but also complicated by the fact that he claimed in an interview that he occasionally gets help from his parents because his Senator's salary of $162,500 isn't enough to make ends meet. Twit.
Again, I think this initiative will get bipartisan support (well, outside of Senator Santorum's family). So let me know who you think should be on the rocket to the Sun. Together we can make it happen. (Or at least talk about it. It's probably unconstitutional.)