update

Jul 05, 2009 00:37

It's July, and I've been gone for most of the summer. In my mind I anticipated finding some greater clarity by now; not total enlightenment, but at least a direction to head in. I stand just as lost as i was when i left, although i do feel more peaceful about the idea of being lost. I had hoped I would have lined up some sort of job, but that too has failed to play out as I pictured. For now I am here and I have no answers concerning my immediate future. i hope to find work, i hope to find a school, and eventually to find a calling. i know that in order to feel happy i must feel useful. i need the sense that what i am doing with my life somehow furthers the purpose of the greater good. it is extremely cliche to profess a desire to "make a difference," but in all honesty i think that achieving anything less would leave me with a nagging sense of shame. i know that i have been lucky in my life. i have been handed gifts, both monetary and mental, that millions of people will never share. i feel that it is my responsibility to give back in due measure. i believe strongly that we all have certain duties to the people around us, and on a higher level, to God. if i allow myself to settle in to a pattern of living in which my goals are material and contributions to society minimal, i will come out the other side resoundingly hollow. there is no joy in that life. i'm not aiming for the nobel prize or solving the energy crisis, i just need to feel that what i have done has served a truly good purpose and that i haven't wasted my talents. i hope that some day in the next year, ( the sooner the better,) i will figure out a way to meet that goal.

it's strange how a month of vacation leaves me more exhausted than anything.
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