me and my sword of flames

[demonseyes]

I broke up with Maxi and I quit at the coffee shop. From time to time I feel I transform into a warrior mercilessly killing everything that offends me. As if I ran through my life and cut it all to pieces. I feel really sad for Max though. He is so kind and was so sad when I told him. Like I said before, I am also depressed because of it. I will miss him and I will miss being together with someone, having someone to hold on to. But those are lame reasons for being in a relationship in my opinion. Or, on the other hand, those are the blessings of a real long relationship. But first I wish to fall in love, honestly and deeply, to long for the others touch, to feel happy and proud to be with this fine person. I didn't feel that way with him. And worst of all he really was in love with me. That made things so uneven, I felt like abusing his feelings. I felt bad, cold hearted, in the wrong place and like a liar. I have lied much too much in my life. I don't want that anymore. Of course I'm scared. I'm young, but not that young anymore and as you already noticed (or as I noticed, for I know my ramblings are not so interesting for you others to read)I can't find a lover easily. I don't know why exactly, but people over the last three years liked to bed me, but never to build up a real relationship with me. I hope that changes. I hope I don't get lost in the world and I hope I won't be alone for much longer. It's nice to be with someone. But me and Maxi- that was not the right thing. It would be unfair to stay with him.

My, I am pathetic. But with a passion!