What Lies Beneath Chapter 9 part 2
Over the next few days, Tim seemed to improve, at least physically. He followed the orders of his doctor, physical therapist, and nutritionist almost obsessively--although Tony suspected he still wasn’t sleeping well--and by the end of the week he was adamantly asking to be released from the hospital. Tim was very reluctant to go to a rehabilitation facility so Ducky had offered his own home as a solution to the problem, saying that he knew Timothy would be much better off with people he knew at that he would keep an eye on the young agent. The doctor finally agreed and Tim was brought to the large house in Virginia, which would serve as a quiet place for his recuperation and recovery.
One of the team was with him as much as possible, and he was rarely alone, but none of them were really able to get him to open up and talk about his experience. Tony noticed that he was a little more relaxed after his sessions with Nadia, but that peace never seemed to last very long. He was still somewhat uncomfortable around Gibbs, Ducky, and Abby, but they could see he was fighting to get over that feeling, although he would not admit why those three in particular caused him such anxiety.
After the first week Tony took Tim out to the gym to help him get back in shape. Tim was just as dedicated to achieving those goals as he had been for his own physical recovery,but his progress was slow, and Tony could tell he was getting frustrated and depressed by his lack of improvement in some areas. Eventually he did get to the point where Tony thought he was ready to try working towards firearms recertification and he scheduled a trip to the range.
At first, all Tim did was stare at the gun, but eventually he was able to go through the normal routine. As he carefully observed his partner, Tony noticed one rather disturbing change in Tim’s attitude: the intensity with which he regarded the targets was vastly different to what he had shown a year ago. Instead of the normal studious concentration Tim had formally maintained while shooting, Tony could detect cold fury in the man’s expression as he quickly and repeatedly pulled the trigger, hitting the dead center of the target more often than not. Tony tried to question him about his actions but Tim attempted to brush it off, saying Tony had misread his expression. Tony decided not to call him on the obvious lie--although it was a relief to be able to tell that Tim was lying--and made a mental note to keep a closer eye on the younger man.
Two days after that confrontation Tim decided he was ready to go home. Abby, Ziva, and Jimmy volunteered to make sure his apartment was ready for him, and after they reported back that it was clean, Tony drove Tim to his place in Silver Spring.
“Home, sweet home,” Tony declared as he opened the door for Tim and carried his bag to the bedroom. The place was spotless and well aired out, evidence of the care the group had taken to erase any signs of the unwelcome occupant. Tim merely nodded and sat down in his desk chair, slowly surveying the room as Tony checked the kitchen. “Want something to drink? The fridge is well stocked.”
“No, thanks.”
Tony grabbed a soda and joined Tim in the living room. He plopped down in the only other available chair and looked Tim in the eye.
“OK, talk to me.”
“About what?”
“That’s not going to work this time, McGee. Tell me what’s been going through that gigantic brain of yours.”
“Tony...you really don’t want to know.”
“Yes, I do. I promised I’d give you time, and I have, but we need to talk about this. I want to help, and I’ve been trying--”
“I know you have, but maybe…maybe you should consider that I don’t want you to know.” He sighed. “You don’t need that…”
“Need what?”
“Damn it, Tony, did it ever occur to you…” He stopped himself and sighed. “Maybe there are some things you’re better off not knowing.”
“You don’t need to protect me, Tim, if that’s what you’re insinuating. I’m a big boy. I can handle it. If it helps you to have someone else to talk to…”
“But it’s not going to help you. Trust me on this one.” He looked away for a moment and sighed. “Look, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I really do, but--”
“But maybe it shouldn’t have taken something this extreme for me to want to help you out.” Tim’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “I know I haven’t always been the friend you needed. I know sometimes I’ve been a royal pain in the ass, but… Damn it, I don’t have many friends. I don’t want to lose the ones I do have.”
Tim studied Tony for several moments before a flash of...well, Tony wasn’t sure what that emotion was, but it was soon replaced with a sense of weariness.
“You’re afraid I’m going to do something stupid, aren’t you? You’re afraid I’m going to give up.” He shook his head. “You don’t have to worry about that. I promise.”
“I don’t know, man. It’s just that...I’ve seen you get pretty low, and I am worried.”
“Suicides go straight to Hell, Tony, so I’ve been informed, and trust me, I’ve seen enough of that place to last a lifetime.”
Tony froze, not sure he liked what Tim was implying.
“What do you mean?” Tim blinked a couple of times and looked away, biting his lip as he avoided Tony’s gaze. “Tim…”
“It showed me. The demon. It projected images in my head...they seemed so real, it was like I was there.” He looked up at Tony, a haunted look in his eyes. “I never want to see that again.”
“Oh, God…”
“It did it for spite, I think, or maybe it did it for fun. I could never really tell.”
“Is that all it did?” Tim shook his head. “What else?”
Tim let out a humorless bark of laughter. “What didn’t it do? It was bad enough that I had to watch when it… When I couldn’t do anything. I saw how it acted with all of you, and I couldn’t stop it.”
“We’re OK, Tim, and we don’t blame you for any of it.”
“I know that now, but at the time… I tried to fight it, and that’s when it really...got creative.”
Tony was pretty sure he didn’t want to know what ‘creative’ was for a demon, but he knew Tim needed to get this out.
“What did it do?”
Tim huffed. “What demons love to do, apparently. It took all my worst fears and amplified them.” He shook his head. “It even used some things I’d forgotten. Do you remember back before I was officially on the team, and I had to go down to Autopsy to keep the computers cool?”
“Yeah, vaguely.”
“I had nightmares about it for that next week, but the fear soon faded. The demon brought that back. Made me experience my own autopsy. Several times.”
“By ‘experience’, you mean…?”
“Yeah. I was still in my body while it was being autopsied. I could feel everything.”
Tony felt his gorge rise. “Oh my God… Wait. Is that why you’ve been leery of Ducky?”
A bit of color rose in Tim’s cheeks as he nodded. “I know Ducky would never hurt me, but those memories of him...cutting into me, I just can’t seem to shake them.”
“You should tell him. He’ll understand.”
“No! He doesn’t need that. He’s done so much to help me, and...he doesn’t need that burden. I’ll get over it. I will.”
“I know you will, Tim. But it’s not a crime to ask for help.”
Tim snorted softly. “Not in my experience.”
“Yeah, I know, none of us are very good at asking, and we haven’t reacted all that well when we knew you were struggling, but… Damn it, I want to change that. OK?”
“OK…” Tim looked up at him and offered the closest thing to a smile Tony had seen from him since the whole thing started.
“Good. Now, how about lunch?”
“Tony, I’m fine. I’d really like to be alone for awhile.”
“Alone? I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I mean, are you ready for--.”
“Considering that I haven’t been alone since I got back from Africa...I’ll be fine. I promise. Please.”
“OK, Tim. I’ll be back later, though. With movies.”
Tim chuckled softly. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
XXX
Gibbs heard the creek of the stairs and looked up to see McGee standing on the top step, looking as if he hadn’t quite made up his mind on whether to continue down or to turn and leave. Gibbs was not completely surprised by McGee’s visit. The younger man had been at the Yard earlier that day to complete the tests and paperwork for his return to NCIS, and a call from Vance had told Gibbs that all had not gone as everyone had hoped.
“McGee,” Gibbs called, making an effort to keep the tension out of his voice. Tim finally started down the steps and stopped again when he reached the bottom, his posture telling Gibbs how he was dealing with the events of that afternoon.
“I’m sorry, Boss...Gibbs.”
“Vance called me earlier.” Gibbs saw McGee deflate even more. “Said we’d meet on Monday to discuss your options.”
“What options?” Tim replied, the bitterness in his voice clear. “I failed my polygraph and my psych eval...although given what happened with the former, I shouldn’t have been surprised by the latter.”
“You still need time, Tim.”
Tim just shook his head. “I’m not even sure that’s going to help any more.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“Didn’t Director Vance…?”
“He just said you weren’t ready to return. He didn’t give me details.” He had, but Gibbs wanted McGee to tell the story from his perspective, which could help Gibbs help his agent.
“I lost it. I had a damn flashback in the middle of the polygraph...think I scared poor Susan Grady half to death.”
“What caused it?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked, McGee.”
“She started asking the standard questions, and I was doing OK, but then she got to the ‘have you committed a felony’ part, and I remembered some things...that the demon had done, and I know it was the demon, but...I was there, too. I watched them die, Boss, and I couldn’t do anything.”
“Who?” Gibbs had suspected something after heard found out about Tim’s possession, but he needed to know what had really happened during those months.
“A lot of people.” Tim glanced up at Gibbs, obviously looking for censure, but Gibbs kept his expression neutral. Tim sighed. “The first was Officer Ben-Gidon. I had no idea what it was even going to do when it went after him, but...it killed him. All I could do was watch.”
“That wasn’t your fault, McGee.”
“I didn’t stop it.”
“Been talking to Singer about all this since it happened. He said fighting possession is damn near impossible. Says he knows from experience, too.”
Tim’s eyes widened, then narrowed. “Define ‘damn near’.”
“If someone you really care about is in danger, then maybe. And that’s a big maybe.”
“Oh my God…”
“What?”
“It told me… It said it wouldn’t hurt any of you. It didn’t want me fighting back, so it took…” Anguish appeared on Tim’s pale face. “It took away my only weapon. I am so sorry.”
“Told you before, McGee, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know. None of us did.” He studied McGee carefully before he continued. “You said Ben-Gidon was the first. How many more?”
“That lawyer, M. Allison Hart. The guy with the muscle cars.” He looked up at Gibbs, his face grim. “Paloma Reynosa and her people. Alejandro Rivera, her brother.”
Gibbs’ eyebrows rose. “Do you know why?”
“Because it felt like it, I think. They were convenient. And… I don’t know, Boss.”
“I think you do, McGee.”
“Those people… Ben-Gidon, he was just following orders. Hart, she...well, I guess she was really just doing her job.”
“And the others?”
McGee sighed. “I know why Paloma and Rivera were after you, Boss. I...I know what you did, and...part of me understands why you did it. I do know you probably saved a lot of people that Hernandez would have eventually killed, but…”
“I acted outside the law.” McGee nodded. “And that bothers you.”
“Shouldn’t it?”
“Yeah, McGee, it should. That’s one thing that tells me you are still you.” Gibbs studied him again. “What are you going to do?”
“I really don’t know, Boss. I...I really don’t know.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t know that, either.”
“Do you want to come back to NCIS? Work with me?”
“I do, Boss, but… I don’t know if I can. Not right now, and it doesn’t have...much to do with what you did. There’s something I need to do. I know that much, at least.”
“Whatever you need, Tim. We’ll wait for you.”
“Are you sure? It might take some time.”
“You’re part of my team, McGee. That’s not gonna change.”
A ghost of a smile crossed McGee’s face. “Thanks, Boss.”
“Not a problem.”
“Guess I better get going. Good night, Gibbs.”
“G’night, McGee. See you on Monday.”
McGee paused, looking as if he was going to say something else before he gave a little wave and headed up the stairs. Gibbs watched him leave, his thoughts turning to what McGee had told him, and how he might have to deal with the potential fallout.
XXX
One of the team was with him as much as possible, and he was rarely alone, but none of them were really able to get him to open up and talk about his experience. Tony noticed that he was a little more relaxed after his sessions with Nadia, but that peace never seemed to last very long. He was still somewhat uncomfortable around Gibbs, Ducky, and Abby, but they could see he was fighting to get over that feeling, although he would not admit why those three in particular caused him such anxiety.
After the first week Tony took Tim out to the gym to help him get back in shape. Tim was just as dedicated to achieving those goals as he had been for his own physical recovery,but his progress was slow, and Tony could tell he was getting frustrated and depressed by his lack of improvement in some areas. Eventually he did get to the point where Tony thought he was ready to try working towards firearms recertification and he scheduled a trip to the range.
At first, all Tim did was stare at the gun, but eventually he was able to go through the normal routine. As he carefully observed his partner, Tony noticed one rather disturbing change in Tim’s attitude: the intensity with which he regarded the targets was vastly different to what he had shown a year ago. Instead of the normal studious concentration Tim had formally maintained while shooting, Tony could detect cold fury in the man’s expression as he quickly and repeatedly pulled the trigger, hitting the dead center of the target more often than not. Tony tried to question him about his actions but Tim attempted to brush it off, saying Tony had misread his expression. Tony decided not to call him on the obvious lie--although it was a relief to be able to tell that Tim was lying--and made a mental note to keep a closer eye on the younger man.
Two days after that confrontation Tim decided he was ready to go home. Abby, Ziva, and Jimmy volunteered to make sure his apartment was ready for him, and after they reported back that it was clean, Tony drove Tim to his place in Silver Spring.
“Home, sweet home,” Tony declared as he opened the door for Tim and carried his bag to the bedroom. The place was spotless and well aired out, evidence of the care the group had taken to erase any signs of the unwelcome occupant. Tim merely nodded and sat down in his desk chair, slowly surveying the room as Tony checked the kitchen. “Want something to drink? The fridge is well stocked.”
“No, thanks.”
Tony grabbed a soda and joined Tim in the living room. He plopped down in the only other available chair and looked Tim in the eye.
“OK, talk to me.”
“About what?”
“That’s not going to work this time, McGee. Tell me what’s been going through that gigantic brain of yours.”
“Tony...you really don’t want to know.”
“Yes, I do. I promised I’d give you time, and I have, but we need to talk about this. I want to help, and I’ve been trying--”
“I know you have, but maybe…maybe you should consider that I don’t want you to know.” He sighed. “You don’t need that…”
“Need what?”
“Damn it, Tony, did it ever occur to you…” He stopped himself and sighed. “Maybe there are some things you’re better off not knowing.”
“You don’t need to protect me, Tim, if that’s what you’re insinuating. I’m a big boy. I can handle it. If it helps you to have someone else to talk to…”
“But it’s not going to help you. Trust me on this one.” He looked away for a moment and sighed. “Look, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I really do, but--”
“But maybe it shouldn’t have taken something this extreme for me to want to help you out.” Tim’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “I know I haven’t always been the friend you needed. I know sometimes I’ve been a royal pain in the ass, but… Damn it, I don’t have many friends. I don’t want to lose the ones I do have.”
Tim studied Tony for several moments before a flash of...well, Tony wasn’t sure what that emotion was, but it was soon replaced with a sense of weariness.
“You’re afraid I’m going to do something stupid, aren’t you? You’re afraid I’m going to give up.” He shook his head. “You don’t have to worry about that. I promise.”
“I don’t know, man. It’s just that...I’ve seen you get pretty low, and I am worried.”
“Suicides go straight to Hell, Tony, so I’ve been informed, and trust me, I’ve seen enough of that place to last a lifetime.”
Tony froze, not sure he liked what Tim was implying.
“What do you mean?” Tim blinked a couple of times and looked away, biting his lip as he avoided Tony’s gaze. “Tim…”
“It showed me. The demon. It projected images in my head...they seemed so real, it was like I was there.” He looked up at Tony, a haunted look in his eyes. “I never want to see that again.”
“Oh, God…”
“It did it for spite, I think, or maybe it did it for fun. I could never really tell.”
“Is that all it did?” Tim shook his head. “What else?”
Tim let out a humorless bark of laughter. “What didn’t it do? It was bad enough that I had to watch when it… When I couldn’t do anything. I saw how it acted with all of you, and I couldn’t stop it.”
“We’re OK, Tim, and we don’t blame you for any of it.”
“I know that now, but at the time… I tried to fight it, and that’s when it really...got creative.”
Tony was pretty sure he didn’t want to know what ‘creative’ was for a demon, but he knew Tim needed to get this out.
“What did it do?”
Tim huffed. “What demons love to do, apparently. It took all my worst fears and amplified them.” He shook his head. “It even used some things I’d forgotten. Do you remember back before I was officially on the team, and I had to go down to Autopsy to keep the computers cool?”
“Yeah, vaguely.”
“I had nightmares about it for that next week, but the fear soon faded. The demon brought that back. Made me experience my own autopsy. Several times.”
“By ‘experience’, you mean…?”
“Yeah. I was still in my body while it was being autopsied. I could feel everything.”
Tony felt his gorge rise. “Oh my God… Wait. Is that why you’ve been leery of Ducky?”
A bit of color rose in Tim’s cheeks as he nodded. “I know Ducky would never hurt me, but those memories of him...cutting into me, I just can’t seem to shake them.”
“You should tell him. He’ll understand.”
“No! He doesn’t need that. He’s done so much to help me, and...he doesn’t need that burden. I’ll get over it. I will.”
“I know you will, Tim. But it’s not a crime to ask for help.”
Tim snorted softly. “Not in my experience.”
“Yeah, I know, none of us are very good at asking, and we haven’t reacted all that well when we knew you were struggling, but… Damn it, I want to change that. OK?”
“OK…” Tim looked up at him and offered the closest thing to a smile Tony had seen from him since the whole thing started.
“Good. Now, how about lunch?”
“Tony, I’m fine. I’d really like to be alone for awhile.”
“Alone? I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I mean, are you ready for--.”
“Considering that I haven’t been alone since I got back from Africa...I’ll be fine. I promise. Please.”
“OK, Tim. I’ll be back later, though. With movies.”
Tim chuckled softly. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
XXX
Gibbs heard the creek of the stairs and looked up to see McGee standing on the top step, looking as if he hadn’t quite made up his mind on whether to continue down or to turn and leave. Gibbs was not completely surprised by McGee’s visit. The younger man had been at the Yard earlier that day to complete the tests and paperwork for his return to NCIS, and a call from Vance had told Gibbs that all had not gone as everyone had hoped.
“McGee,” Gibbs called, making an effort to keep the tension out of his voice. Tim finally started down the steps and stopped again when he reached the bottom, his posture telling Gibbs how he was dealing with the events of that afternoon.
“I’m sorry, Boss...Gibbs.”
“Vance called me earlier.” Gibbs saw McGee deflate even more. “Said we’d meet on Monday to discuss your options.”
“What options?” Tim replied, the bitterness in his voice clear. “I failed my polygraph and my psych eval...although given what happened with the former, I shouldn’t have been surprised by the latter.”
“You still need time, Tim.”
Tim just shook his head. “I’m not even sure that’s going to help any more.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“Didn’t Director Vance…?”
“He just said you weren’t ready to return. He didn’t give me details.” He had, but Gibbs wanted McGee to tell the story from his perspective, which could help Gibbs help his agent.
“I lost it. I had a damn flashback in the middle of the polygraph...think I scared poor Susan Grady half to death.”
“What caused it?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked, McGee.”
“She started asking the standard questions, and I was doing OK, but then she got to the ‘have you committed a felony’ part, and I remembered some things...that the demon had done, and I know it was the demon, but...I was there, too. I watched them die, Boss, and I couldn’t do anything.”
“Who?” Gibbs had suspected something after heard found out about Tim’s possession, but he needed to know what had really happened during those months.
“A lot of people.” Tim glanced up at Gibbs, obviously looking for censure, but Gibbs kept his expression neutral. Tim sighed. “The first was Officer Ben-Gidon. I had no idea what it was even going to do when it went after him, but...it killed him. All I could do was watch.”
“That wasn’t your fault, McGee.”
“I didn’t stop it.”
“Been talking to Singer about all this since it happened. He said fighting possession is damn near impossible. Says he knows from experience, too.”
Tim’s eyes widened, then narrowed. “Define ‘damn near’.”
“If someone you really care about is in danger, then maybe. And that’s a big maybe.”
“Oh my God…”
“What?”
“It told me… It said it wouldn’t hurt any of you. It didn’t want me fighting back, so it took…” Anguish appeared on Tim’s pale face. “It took away my only weapon. I am so sorry.”
“Told you before, McGee, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know. None of us did.” He studied McGee carefully before he continued. “You said Ben-Gidon was the first. How many more?”
“That lawyer, M. Allison Hart. The guy with the muscle cars.” He looked up at Gibbs, his face grim. “Paloma Reynosa and her people. Alejandro Rivera, her brother.”
Gibbs’ eyebrows rose. “Do you know why?”
“Because it felt like it, I think. They were convenient. And… I don’t know, Boss.”
“I think you do, McGee.”
“Those people… Ben-Gidon, he was just following orders. Hart, she...well, I guess she was really just doing her job.”
“And the others?”
McGee sighed. “I know why Paloma and Rivera were after you, Boss. I...I know what you did, and...part of me understands why you did it. I do know you probably saved a lot of people that Hernandez would have eventually killed, but…”
“I acted outside the law.” McGee nodded. “And that bothers you.”
“Shouldn’t it?”
“Yeah, McGee, it should. That’s one thing that tells me you are still you.” Gibbs studied him again. “What are you going to do?”
“I really don’t know, Boss. I...I really don’t know.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t know that, either.”
“Do you want to come back to NCIS? Work with me?”
“I do, Boss, but… I don’t know if I can. Not right now, and it doesn’t have...much to do with what you did. There’s something I need to do. I know that much, at least.”
“Whatever you need, Tim. We’ll wait for you.”
“Are you sure? It might take some time.”
“You’re part of my team, McGee. That’s not gonna change.”
A ghost of a smile crossed McGee’s face. “Thanks, Boss.”
“Not a problem.”
“Guess I better get going. Good night, Gibbs.”
“G’night, McGee. See you on Monday.”
McGee paused, looking as if he was going to say something else before he gave a little wave and headed up the stairs. Gibbs watched him leave, his thoughts turning to what McGee had told him, and how he might have to deal with the potential fallout.
XXX