I called Jesus but he didn't check his phone today
So, I've basically been on the verge of a stressed-out meltdown the past couple of days.
This quarter I attempted to take Math 151, for the third time. For those of you that have been paying possibly too much attention, you may recall that time the first ended up with me failing it, and the second time (just last quarter) ended with me dropping it halfway through and earning a "W".
Well, this quarter's attempt has been off to a rousing non-start, once again, pretty much from the get-go. As in, once again I was all down with the not going to class, doing homework, or even attempting to take the quizzes. I had no idea what the hell I was even supposed to be learning, let alone learning it. And so unsurprisingly, as of the second midterm I was so out of it I figured there was no point in even sitting for the second midterm.
Let me back up and explain that you need to get at least a C in Math 151 for an Anthro Sciences major. Because you need to go on to take Math 152 as well in order to graduate.
And let me reiterate that my projected and planned graduation date is supposed to be this June.
On Monday, complete strangers were commenting on how burnt-out I looked and I was passing on spending time with Dr. Boyfriend* because all I really wanted to do was curl up and die. On Tuesday, I spent ten dollars at a conveniance store on various gummi candies which I polished off along with the entire heart o' chocolates I got for Valentines Day, while watching the first six episodes of Merlin on Vuze (I concluded it is not for me, but the six hours of gayness, bad CGI, sword-fighting, pretty dresses, British accents and unabashed stupidity definitely helped at the time).
On Wednesday, I talked to my professor and confirmed that there was pretty much no way I was going to pass the class at this point. So I went and dropped it again.
And, somewhere in the midst of all this, I went "fuck it".
So I emailed my advisor and as of this week, I'm no longer an Anthro Sciences major. I'm now just a plain old Anthro major, set up to get a BA instead of a BS, and I don't have to take two more fucking quarters of math, and I'm still gonna graduate on time.
And, yeah, on some level I'm kind of irritated, that I basically put myself through four years of hell with chemistry and trig and heavy classes that I hated for nothing, and that I'm giving up only two math classes away from finishing my goal, and if I'd only been able to kick myself into gear and go to stupid class on time I could still be graduating with the BS I'd (mostly) earned. And yeah, I'm not exactly sure what this last-minute major change will do to the grad school applications I'm still waiting to hear back on, or what my parents are going to say.
But you know what? Fuck it. I've been repeatedly banging my head on a brick wall for four years, and I'm tired and I'm sick of it and I just can't take it any more. And maybe it was "only" two more quarters of math, but I guess it was two quarters of math too fucking much. Some things you are just not meant to do. And yeah, if you really really want something, you should be able to make yourself work hard and push yourself to get it...so I guess I just didn't want that BS so fucking much after all, huh?
Maybe four years ago. Maybe even two. But as of now, all I really really want anymore is for someone to put a piece of paper in my hand and to get the hell out of here.
And in the end, I feel more relieved and triumphant than I do like a failure. So can't that just be enough?
*He has a PhD in Horribleness.
This quarter I attempted to take Math 151, for the third time. For those of you that have been paying possibly too much attention, you may recall that time the first ended up with me failing it, and the second time (just last quarter) ended with me dropping it halfway through and earning a "W".
Well, this quarter's attempt has been off to a rousing non-start, once again, pretty much from the get-go. As in, once again I was all down with the not going to class, doing homework, or even attempting to take the quizzes. I had no idea what the hell I was even supposed to be learning, let alone learning it. And so unsurprisingly, as of the second midterm I was so out of it I figured there was no point in even sitting for the second midterm.
Let me back up and explain that you need to get at least a C in Math 151 for an Anthro Sciences major. Because you need to go on to take Math 152 as well in order to graduate.
And let me reiterate that my projected and planned graduation date is supposed to be this June.
On Monday, complete strangers were commenting on how burnt-out I looked and I was passing on spending time with Dr. Boyfriend* because all I really wanted to do was curl up and die. On Tuesday, I spent ten dollars at a conveniance store on various gummi candies which I polished off along with the entire heart o' chocolates I got for Valentines Day, while watching the first six episodes of Merlin on Vuze (I concluded it is not for me, but the six hours of gayness, bad CGI, sword-fighting, pretty dresses, British accents and unabashed stupidity definitely helped at the time).
On Wednesday, I talked to my professor and confirmed that there was pretty much no way I was going to pass the class at this point. So I went and dropped it again.
And, somewhere in the midst of all this, I went "fuck it".
So I emailed my advisor and as of this week, I'm no longer an Anthro Sciences major. I'm now just a plain old Anthro major, set up to get a BA instead of a BS, and I don't have to take two more fucking quarters of math, and I'm still gonna graduate on time.
And, yeah, on some level I'm kind of irritated, that I basically put myself through four years of hell with chemistry and trig and heavy classes that I hated for nothing, and that I'm giving up only two math classes away from finishing my goal, and if I'd only been able to kick myself into gear and go to stupid class on time I could still be graduating with the BS I'd (mostly) earned. And yeah, I'm not exactly sure what this last-minute major change will do to the grad school applications I'm still waiting to hear back on, or what my parents are going to say.
But you know what? Fuck it. I've been repeatedly banging my head on a brick wall for four years, and I'm tired and I'm sick of it and I just can't take it any more. And maybe it was "only" two more quarters of math, but I guess it was two quarters of math too fucking much. Some things you are just not meant to do. And yeah, if you really really want something, you should be able to make yourself work hard and push yourself to get it...so I guess I just didn't want that BS so fucking much after all, huh?
Maybe four years ago. Maybe even two. But as of now, all I really really want anymore is for someone to put a piece of paper in my hand and to get the hell out of here.
And in the end, I feel more relieved and triumphant than I do like a failure. So can't that just be enough?
*He has a PhD in Horribleness.