Educated Differences - Chapter Eleven
Title: Educated Differences - Chapter Eleven
Universe: AU
Rating: NC-17
Relationship status: first time
Word count: 4123 (overall 38,100)
Genre: romance, friendship
Trope: teen, jealousy
Warning: Language, adult themes, explicit sexual situation, lots of angst.
A/N: Seriously, things will get happier in the next chapter I swear.
Summary: Modern day college AU. Jim and Spock are freshmen and are put together as roommates. In this part: It’s the Christmas formal and things get worse for Jim and Spock. I know, I'm sorry again.
Chapter Eleven
Jim didn’t see much more of Spock over the next week as they both spent most of their time in exams or studying, but Jim felt there was a hint of acceptance starting to come from Spock. He no longer totally ignored him or spoke to him with badly hidden annoyance, and it was now bordering on civil. Jim felt like there was a weight off his shoulders when Spock started talking to him voluntarily.
It was only a week before the semester ended for Christmas and it was the night of the formal. Jim had spent a lot of time brooding over the fact that Spock was taking Nyota but had managed to almost make peace with it by the time the night arrived by convincing himself they were only going as friends. Or at least he thought he’d made peace with it.
‘Want me to do your hair?’ Jim asked as Spock used some hair gel to try and unsuccessfully style his hair away from his face.
‘I should be able to do it,’ Spock said, frowning ever so slightly when his hair fell back down onto his forehead and into his default bowl cut.
‘Come over here,’ Jim said with a smile as he tucked his bright blue shirt into his trousers. Spock slowly walked over with the hair gel in one hand and Jim met him halfway.
‘Ok, you just want it swept back, right? Like the fancy dress party?’ Jim asked.
Spock searched Jim’s eyes for a second before nodding. Jim smiled and rubbed the gel onto his fingers before taking some strands of Spock’s hair and raking his fingers back through it. Spock’s eyes almost fluttered shut but he forced them open as Jim grabbed more gel and pushed all the hair away from his forehead. Jim almost smirked at the way Spock’s breathing was coming more quickly as Jim continued gentle running his hands through his hair.
‘Ok, it should hold,’ Jim said, letting his fingers rake through the hair one last time and trying his best not to remember the number of times he ran his hands through that hair when they were together.
‘Thank you,’ Spock said, sounding slightly affected by the physical contact.
Jim smiled as Spock took off his top without a hint of self-consciousness and replaced it with a dark blue shirt which he quickly buttoned up. Jim was grateful at how comfortable Spock still was around him and had no qualms at undressing in front of him.
‘You look good,’ Jim said with a friendly smile as he sprayed himself liberally with body spray before pulling on his shoes. ‘Wanna make out?’ Jim joked. Spock couldn’t have looked less amused if he tried. ‘Too soon?’
Spock just shook his head in exasperation as he pulled on his pants.
…..
Jim walked into the large hall with his hands buried in his pockets and tried his best not to try and locate Spock and Nyota in the dark room. The lights were making it very difficult to identify anybody, but he was able to notice his neighbours lurking in one of the corners. Jim walked over to where Sulu and Chekov were and smiled.
‘Merry Christmas,’ Jim said, adjusting his shirt.
‘It’s the 16th December,’ Sulu commented, taking a sip of his drink.
‘Still, Christmas formal.’ Jim cast a look over his shoulder at the large group of people milling around the hall. ‘So, spotted anyone else we know yet? Scotty?’
Sulu and Chekov exchanged a look. ‘You mean have we seen Spock yet?’
‘Sure, Spock too,’ Jim said casually, looking around the room before fixing his eyes back on Sulu.
‘He waz over there,’ Chekov said, pointing over to the food table. ‘Not there anymore though.’
‘Nyota looked really hot,’ Sulu said. Jim shot him an annoyed glare. Sulu put up his hands in defence.
‘I’m going to go and mingle,’ Jim said, as he turned on the spot and headed straight for the food table. He swore he heard Sulu snort behind him.
Jim lent against the table as he picked at a decorated sugar cookie, his eyes trying to pin point Spock and Nyota in the dark room, colourful lights roaming everywhere.
Jim tried not to smile stupidly as he suddenly noticed Spock coming through the crowd, sans Nyota. ‘Hey.’
‘Hello,’ Spock said, coming to a stand still in front of him. They looked at each other for a few moments, Jim not knowing what to say.
‘So, you having fun?’
‘Nyota wants me to dance with her later,’ Spock said, looking over his shoulder. ‘I do not know how to dance.’
‘No guy does,’ Jim joked, biting into the cookie. ‘Just shuffle your feet along and it’ll be fine.’ Jim groaned inwardly as he noticed Nyota approach in a long flowing red dress, eyes flicking to him in annoyance.
‘Jim,’ Nyota said, glaring at him with disgust as her hand wrapped around Spock’s upper arm possessively.
‘Nyota, looking gorgeous,’ Jim said, trying to keep any jealousy out of his voice as his eyes riveted on where Nyota’s hand was on Spock.
‘Thanks,’ Nyota said before turning to gaze up at Spock. ‘Shall we dance?’
Spock looked for all the world like he’d rather go and sit by himself in corner, but eventually nodded reluctantly, giving Jim a long look before turning.
‘Have fun,’ Jim said with a smile that lacked any real sincerity. Once they were out of hearing distance Jim turned toward the table to grab more food.
‘Hey,’ Scotty said, appearing at his side. ‘You seen the love of my life?’
Jim smirked. ‘She’s dancing at the moment.’
‘Ah,’ Scotty said, spotting Nyota and Spock. ‘Dancing with the love of your life, I see.’
‘Shut ya face,’ Jim said, smacking him playfully in the side. ‘You don’t seem overly worried she’s come with someone else.’
‘She’s playing hard to get,’ Scotty said, picking up a cookie and munching on it. ‘Trust me, we’re meant to be.’
Jim almost envied how sure Scotty was. ‘I’m going to roam for a bit, you stay here and make sure Nyota doesn’t make a move on Spock… or the other way round.’
Scotty gave him a knowing look and Jim turned away. Jim roamed the formal, talking pleasantly with anyone he vaguely knew and did his best to keep his eyes averted from the dance floor where Nyota was doing her best to teach Spock how to dance.
‘Hey,’ Gaila said, appearing at Jim’s side.
Jim blinked in shock. ‘What you doing here? You don’t live in our residence area.’
‘I’m gate crashing because I had nothing else to do tonight,’ Gaila said, throwing some of her red hair behind her ear. ‘Wanna dance?’
‘Shouldn’t I be the one to ask you?’
‘Fine, ask me.’ She grinned flirtatiously.
Jim looked over to the dance floor and could vaguely see Spock and Nyota slow dancing, although Spock was clearly uncoordinated as he kept stepping on her shoes. He felt his heart drop slightly. ‘Fine, you want to dance?’
Gaila pouted in sympathy. ‘Don’t look so sad. Pretend I have a bowl cut and a penis and you’ll enjoy yourself.’
Jim laughed loudly as he let Gaila walk him over to the dance floor before wrapping her arms around his neck. They started dancing and Jim couldn’t stop staring whenever they moved past Spock and Nyota who were still struggling to dance in any normal way, Spock seemingly becoming frustrated that Nyota was so set on teaching him how to dance. He also didn’t look comfortable by the level of closeness that was required in dancing.
‘You miss him?’ Gaila said, bringing Jim eyes back to hers.
‘Yeah, I really do. I miss being friends with him and talking about particle physics over a game of chess. And obviously I miss the sex, but I know that breaking up was the right thing.’
‘Really?’ Gaila asked, sounding doubtful as they danced slowly.
‘Yeah, I wouldn’t be good for him long term,’ Jim said, his eyes flicking to Spock for a split second.
‘Ok, I’m going to do you a favour because you always comment on how pretty I am,’ Gaila suddenly said, as she stopped dancing.
‘What favour?’ Jim asked, a frown etching his features.
Gaila grinned before turning around and catching Nyota’s eye a few feet away. ‘Nyota, hey, I need your advice on something in the ladies restroom, pronto.’
Nyota and Spock stopped their awkward dancing and turned to look at them both. Jim looked down at his shoes as Nyota narrowed her eyes.
‘Now, it’s important,’ Gaila whined, tilting her head in the direction of the restrooms. Nyota let go of Spock and brushed past Jim, her face set in a scowl as she followed Gaila through the dancing couples.
‘You want to?’ Jim said, standing opposite Spock and offering his arms.
‘As you saw, I cannot dance.’
‘Please?’ Jim said, bringing out a pout and his best puppy dog eyes.
Spock sighed and wrapped his arms securely around Jim’s waist, his breath hitching as Jim wrapped an arm around Spock’s neck, bringing them tight against one another. Jim swallowed nervously as he started moving his feet and Spock somehow fell into step, his feet moving in time with Jim’s almost subconsciously.
‘You’re doing good,’ Jim said happily. ‘Don’t look down at your feet, look at me.’
‘I am trying,’ Spock mumbled, his eyes meeting Jim’s. They danced closely for a few minutes, Jim keeping a firm grip on the body in front of him.
‘Spock,’ Jim said softly, his eyes soft and vulnerable. Jim didn’t know what came over him but it suddenly felt like the most natural thing in the world to lean in and brush his lips against Spock’s in a whisper of a kiss. Spock stopped dancing and lurched back, his hands releasing Jim immediately as he took a step away.
‘Do not,’ Spock simply said, his eyes flying everywhere but at Jim. ‘I must tell you something.’
‘What?’ Jim asked, his voice taking on a worried edge.
‘I am transferring to a new room come spring,’ Spock stated as couples danced around them.
Jim’s eyes flashed in the darkness as he gripped Spock’s wrist firmly and pulled him away from the dance floor and out of the hall so they were standing in a lit corridor.
‘You’re just going?’ Jim snapped, his voice rising.
‘I cannot live with you.’
‘Why not? I’m doing my best to be a good roommate, Spock.’
‘I cannot live with you after what has happened. It is taking its toll on my emotional well being and I believe it would be better for me to start over come January.’
Jim felt his heart thump painfully, his eyes shining as he stared pleadingly at Spock. ‘No one will understand you, you know. You’ll get your roommate and he’ll sleep with girls all the time, make fun of you…’
‘It would not be much of a departure from my situation now.’ Spock’s eyes remained hard as Jim turned and leant back against the cold brick wall.
‘How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?’
‘It is not sorry I am after.’
‘Then what the hell is it?’ Jim asked desperately, feeling his frustration and sadness overcome him.
‘You do not ever want to be in a relationship with me, correct?’
Jim dropped his head down to stare at his feet, the fight in him seeping away. ‘That’s correct,’ Jim murmured quietly. ‘I’d hurt you eventually.’
‘You have already hurt me greatly.’
Jim was about to reply when Nyota jogged up to them, dress clutched in her hands to stop her tripping. ‘Hey, I wondered when you got to.’
Spock dragged his eyes away from Jim. ‘I will come now.’
‘Good,’ Nyota said with a blinding smile at Spock. She threw Jim a glare before stomping off, her heels clicking on the floor as they went back into the hall.
Jim felt his whole body slowly sink to the floor, his back pressed against the wall behind him as his legs went out into the middle of the corridor. ‘Fuck.’
Jim stayed that way for a few minutes, before pushing himself up and making his way to one of the men’s restrooms where he started splashing his face with cold water.
‘You OK, man?’ A tall dark haired guy said who Jim vaguely recognised from his foreign languages lecture. Jim was fairly sure his name was Gary.
‘Just one of those nights,’ Jim said with an empty laugh. ‘I wish they had liquor at these things.’
‘Don’t we all,’ Gary said, as he turned and leant against one of the sinks. ‘I heard you and your boyfriend broke up.’
Jim frowned. ‘How dya know that?’
‘My roommate is good friends with your neighbour; Chekov.’
‘Ah, cool,’ Jim said lamely, turning off the tap and fixing his hair using the mirror.
‘So, you looking?’ Gary asked, inspecting his nails.
‘Looking?’ Jim said, frowning in confusion.
‘Well, are you single and looking or are you single and getting over your boyfriend?’
Jim looked Gary up and down. ‘Why?’
‘Let’s say I’m an interested party. I was a little jealous when I found out you were with a guy.’
Jim swallowed and he looked at Gary more fully this time, taking in his dark hair and tall figure.
‘I don’t really go for guys,’ Jim said, feeling awkward. ‘Other than the guy I was with.’
Gary nodded, looking disappointed. ‘You sure?’
Jim looked toward the door of the restrooms and felt a sort of vulnerability come over him, remembering that come spring Spock was no longer going to be around or even in his life. It made him want to forget, to escape for a bit of time and not think about how much he’d fucked things up. The lack of alcohol was making him think about other strategies to help him forget and suddenly Gary seemed like the obvious, more appealing choice.
Jim gave Gary another long heated look up and down. ‘You give head?’ Jim asked bluntly, barely recognising himself.
‘I’m gay, what do you think?’ Gary teased.
Jim grabbed at Gary’s tie and pulled him into the nearest cubicle, slamming the door shut behind them. Gary went for his mouth but Jim turned away, needing for it to be as impersonal as possible. Jim grabbed at his own zipper and tugged it down as Gary got down onto the floor, his hands grabbing at Jim’s pants and boxers, and pulling them down his thighs.
‘Nice,’ Gary murmured lowly as Jim’s cock sprung free, thick and heavy between his legs.
Jim put his hand on the closed stall door over Gary’s head as his other hand went straight into Gary’s head, directing his mouth to where he wanted it. Gary’s mouth closed over Jim’s erection and went as deep as he could straight away, sucking strongly before pulling off and flicking his tongue over the head.
Jim moaned as his hips thrust forward into the hot mouth, his fingers grasping at Gary’s head desperately. Jim hated the fact that he couldn’t help comparing Gary to Spock. Gary was far better technique wise as he’d clearly had more practice, but Jim still found himself missing the hesitant, almost clumsy way Spock would give him head, his eagerness and enthusiasm easily making up for his lack of technique.
Jim pressed his cock in deeper, willing himself for a second to forget Spock as he felt his orgasm approach. ‘I’m close,’ Jim warned as Gary picked up the pace, his mouth bobbing up and down as Jim pushed his cock in and out as quickly as possible.
Jim felt the wave crash over him as he shot deeply into Gary’s mouth and shouted out, vaguely thinking the orgasm wasn’t as strong compared to when he was with Spock.
Gary got up from the floor, wiping his mouth. as Jim got his breathing back. ‘That’s never happened before.’ Gary snorted.
Jim frowned. ‘A guy has never come in your mouth?’
Gary looked at Jim with amusement, like he was the subject of a joke he wasn’t part of. ‘Not that. You said the name; Spock. I’m guessing that’s your ex, right?’
Jim felt mortified, his cheeks going red as he shut his eyes. ‘Oh god, I’m sorry.’
‘Hey, it’s OK,’ Gary said as Jim grabbed at his pants and boxers, pulling them up hastily. ‘Come sit next to me in our foreign languages lecture when you’re over him, OK? We can get some coffee or something.’
‘That’d be great,’ Jim said automatically, not about to tell Gary he had no intention of ever taking him up on that offer. ‘Thanks for… you know.’
‘No problem.’ Gary turned and left the cubicle quickly, leaving Jim to make himself presentable.
Jim sat down on the closed toilet lid and put his head in his hands, feeling like he wanted to scream and cry and sleep all at the same time.
…..
Jim walked into his bedroom, his jacket flung over his shoulder as he took in the empty bed. Jim felt his stomach drop when he wondered if Spock was with Nyota. Doing things with her. Just the thought made Jim want to throw a punch into a wall.
It was only five minutes later when the door clicked open and Spock walked in, his eyes barely taking in Jim as he slowly took off his own jacket and laid it on the bed.
‘You drop Nyota off?’ Jim asked, wondering how much information Spock would tell him.
‘Yes, she said she was fatigued. Although once we arrived at her door she claimed she was no longer tired. I found it baffling.’
Jim snorted. ‘Oh, Nyota,’ Jim said to himself as he shook his head. He watched Spock for a few minutes doing his normal nightly routine and felt a pang in his chest at how comforting it was. ‘I don’t want you to move rooms.’
‘We have already discussed it and I have already been granted a new room come next semester,’ Spock stated as he pulled on his pyjama pants.
‘We have not discussed it properly. What do I have to do?’
‘Something you claim you are unable to do,’ Spock said as he climbed in under his covers. ‘I do not want to be your friend, Jim.’
‘I don’t want to not be your friend,’ Jim admitted as he sat on the edge of his own bed, facing Spock.
‘You do not have the right to ask anything of me,’ Spock said, his voice cutting.
‘I was your boyfriend, I can,’ Jim said, his voice becoming louder.
‘Were. You are now nothing to me other than my roommate.’
Jim blinked, the words rocking him to his core and he vaguely felt tears spill down onto his cheek. Jim touched the tears in confusion as he looked at them in shock; like they weren’t part of him. He didn’t cry. He never cried. Jim sniffed and quickly wiped his eyes furiously, turning away from Spock so he couldn’t see.
‘Jim?’ Spock said, his voice soft and worried.
‘I’m fine,’ Jim said as strongly as he could, not able to hide the slight crack in his voice at the end of his sentence. ‘I’m fine,’ he tried again, this time saying it forcefully.
Jim lay down on top of his covers, facing away from Spock and he tried to breath and calm himself down, aware his eyes were still shining with unshed tears. He felt so alone and so guilty that he wasn’t surprised when a few more tears escaped and landed on his pillow before he feel asleep.
………
It was only a few days later when Jim strolled into his room to see boxes lying about, Spock packing up his desk drawers quietly.
Jim felt his throat clench up as he watched for a few minutes as Spock moved about the room, taking bits and pieces and putting them neatly into their designated packing section. He wanted to go and grab the stuff in the boxes and take it back out, sit Spock down and tell him that he didn’t want to spend the rest of the year without him. It scared him how badly he wanted and needed Spock to be around to ground him.
Jim’s eyes met Spock’s and he quickly looked away, feeling that his thoughts were written across his face.
‘You’ll come and visit me, right?’ Jim asked, trying to keep his desperation out of his voice.
Spock put a few more items into his box before addressing Jim. ‘If I have time.’
Jim watched him for a little while until deciding that the pain in his stomach wasn’t going away, and he felt his throat clench slightly so he turned and walked out, heading straight for McCoy’s room, the need to vent and scream overwhelming him.
He walked in without knocking and was grateful that McCoy was there, tapping his pen against the side of his computer.
‘He’s leaving.’
McCoy turned and raised an eyebrow. ‘Spock’s leaving today?’
‘Yeah. He’s moving over onto the other side of fucking campus.’
McCoy sighed and turned around, eyes determined. ‘Ok, sit the fuck down because I can’t keep being the supportive friend over what you did.’
Jim frowned. ‘At what point were you being supportive?’ Jim sat down on the bed, his heart racing.
McCoy waved him off. ‘You’re a fucking idiot. Repeat that to yourself a few times, Jim. You are the biggest fucking idiot I have ever met. I mean, I love your sorry ass but you’re an idiot.’
Jim blinked, swallowing deeply. ‘Ok?’
‘For the first time in your life you were happy. You weren’t doing any of your usual self-destructive tendencies like getting so drunk you throw a punch or land your self in bed with a girl and not use a condom. You were finally being a responsible adult by learning to think about someone else’s feelings and you fought for Spock because you wanted him and for the first time, you actually truly liked someone. Then you fucked it up because you thought it would be better for him. You realise that however fucked up your logic is, you were actually being selfless for the first time in your life.’
‘But-’ Jim tried.
‘No. Stop being a fucking idiot Jim and go and get your boyfriend back because I swear to god if I have to listen to you whine and moan about how Spock won’t talk to you or look at you one more time, I will kill you. You like him and maybe if you guys sat down and talked about how you feel then you could actually get back together.’
‘I don’t want-’
‘You do. Stop being a jerk, Jim. He wants your immature ass so how about you do the right thing and give it a proper shot? Tell him you hate commitment and that you need to take it slow and hopefully you guys will actually see the new year. You’re a good guy, Jim, and if you believed that, you would realise that you deserve each other. Go and atleast talk to him properly.’
Jim swallowed, his mind racing with all the possibilities of what he should do, what he wanted to do and what he knew he was going to. He respected McCoy’s opinion above anyone else’s and it gave him the final push to go and talk to Spock about everything and see if they could actually repair the damage he’d done. Then his mind landed on the fact that Spock was leaving. If he wanted an actual talk with him he had to leave. Jim jumped up, eyes wild, and smiled brightly at McCoy.
‘You know I love you.’
‘Shouldn’t you be saying that to Spock?’
‘Nope, that was all for you.’
Jim ran across to his building as fast as he could and took the stairs two at a time before running down his corridor, panting and sweaty as he threw open his door. His stomach dropped and he felt his eyes brim with disappointed tears as he took in the very bare and very empty side of the room.
He turned to his own side and saw a note.
‘Jim, Merry Christmas. Spock.’ To the left of it was a bottle of insect repellent.
Jim sat down on his bed and sighed, not knowing what to do as he curled himself into a protective ball. He wasn’t surprised when he felt a tear streak down his cheek, leaving a glistening silver line.
Chapter Twelve
Universe: AU
Rating: NC-17
Relationship status: first time
Word count: 4123 (overall 38,100)
Genre: romance, friendship
Trope: teen, jealousy
Warning: Language, adult themes, explicit sexual situation, lots of angst.
A/N: Seriously, things will get happier in the next chapter I swear.
Summary: Modern day college AU. Jim and Spock are freshmen and are put together as roommates. In this part: It’s the Christmas formal and things get worse for Jim and Spock. I know, I'm sorry again.
Chapter Eleven
Jim didn’t see much more of Spock over the next week as they both spent most of their time in exams or studying, but Jim felt there was a hint of acceptance starting to come from Spock. He no longer totally ignored him or spoke to him with badly hidden annoyance, and it was now bordering on civil. Jim felt like there was a weight off his shoulders when Spock started talking to him voluntarily.
It was only a week before the semester ended for Christmas and it was the night of the formal. Jim had spent a lot of time brooding over the fact that Spock was taking Nyota but had managed to almost make peace with it by the time the night arrived by convincing himself they were only going as friends. Or at least he thought he’d made peace with it.
‘Want me to do your hair?’ Jim asked as Spock used some hair gel to try and unsuccessfully style his hair away from his face.
‘I should be able to do it,’ Spock said, frowning ever so slightly when his hair fell back down onto his forehead and into his default bowl cut.
‘Come over here,’ Jim said with a smile as he tucked his bright blue shirt into his trousers. Spock slowly walked over with the hair gel in one hand and Jim met him halfway.
‘Ok, you just want it swept back, right? Like the fancy dress party?’ Jim asked.
Spock searched Jim’s eyes for a second before nodding. Jim smiled and rubbed the gel onto his fingers before taking some strands of Spock’s hair and raking his fingers back through it. Spock’s eyes almost fluttered shut but he forced them open as Jim grabbed more gel and pushed all the hair away from his forehead. Jim almost smirked at the way Spock’s breathing was coming more quickly as Jim continued gentle running his hands through his hair.
‘Ok, it should hold,’ Jim said, letting his fingers rake through the hair one last time and trying his best not to remember the number of times he ran his hands through that hair when they were together.
‘Thank you,’ Spock said, sounding slightly affected by the physical contact.
Jim smiled as Spock took off his top without a hint of self-consciousness and replaced it with a dark blue shirt which he quickly buttoned up. Jim was grateful at how comfortable Spock still was around him and had no qualms at undressing in front of him.
‘You look good,’ Jim said with a friendly smile as he sprayed himself liberally with body spray before pulling on his shoes. ‘Wanna make out?’ Jim joked. Spock couldn’t have looked less amused if he tried. ‘Too soon?’
Spock just shook his head in exasperation as he pulled on his pants.
…..
Jim walked into the large hall with his hands buried in his pockets and tried his best not to try and locate Spock and Nyota in the dark room. The lights were making it very difficult to identify anybody, but he was able to notice his neighbours lurking in one of the corners. Jim walked over to where Sulu and Chekov were and smiled.
‘Merry Christmas,’ Jim said, adjusting his shirt.
‘It’s the 16th December,’ Sulu commented, taking a sip of his drink.
‘Still, Christmas formal.’ Jim cast a look over his shoulder at the large group of people milling around the hall. ‘So, spotted anyone else we know yet? Scotty?’
Sulu and Chekov exchanged a look. ‘You mean have we seen Spock yet?’
‘Sure, Spock too,’ Jim said casually, looking around the room before fixing his eyes back on Sulu.
‘He waz over there,’ Chekov said, pointing over to the food table. ‘Not there anymore though.’
‘Nyota looked really hot,’ Sulu said. Jim shot him an annoyed glare. Sulu put up his hands in defence.
‘I’m going to go and mingle,’ Jim said, as he turned on the spot and headed straight for the food table. He swore he heard Sulu snort behind him.
Jim lent against the table as he picked at a decorated sugar cookie, his eyes trying to pin point Spock and Nyota in the dark room, colourful lights roaming everywhere.
Jim tried not to smile stupidly as he suddenly noticed Spock coming through the crowd, sans Nyota. ‘Hey.’
‘Hello,’ Spock said, coming to a stand still in front of him. They looked at each other for a few moments, Jim not knowing what to say.
‘So, you having fun?’
‘Nyota wants me to dance with her later,’ Spock said, looking over his shoulder. ‘I do not know how to dance.’
‘No guy does,’ Jim joked, biting into the cookie. ‘Just shuffle your feet along and it’ll be fine.’ Jim groaned inwardly as he noticed Nyota approach in a long flowing red dress, eyes flicking to him in annoyance.
‘Jim,’ Nyota said, glaring at him with disgust as her hand wrapped around Spock’s upper arm possessively.
‘Nyota, looking gorgeous,’ Jim said, trying to keep any jealousy out of his voice as his eyes riveted on where Nyota’s hand was on Spock.
‘Thanks,’ Nyota said before turning to gaze up at Spock. ‘Shall we dance?’
Spock looked for all the world like he’d rather go and sit by himself in corner, but eventually nodded reluctantly, giving Jim a long look before turning.
‘Have fun,’ Jim said with a smile that lacked any real sincerity. Once they were out of hearing distance Jim turned toward the table to grab more food.
‘Hey,’ Scotty said, appearing at his side. ‘You seen the love of my life?’
Jim smirked. ‘She’s dancing at the moment.’
‘Ah,’ Scotty said, spotting Nyota and Spock. ‘Dancing with the love of your life, I see.’
‘Shut ya face,’ Jim said, smacking him playfully in the side. ‘You don’t seem overly worried she’s come with someone else.’
‘She’s playing hard to get,’ Scotty said, picking up a cookie and munching on it. ‘Trust me, we’re meant to be.’
Jim almost envied how sure Scotty was. ‘I’m going to roam for a bit, you stay here and make sure Nyota doesn’t make a move on Spock… or the other way round.’
Scotty gave him a knowing look and Jim turned away. Jim roamed the formal, talking pleasantly with anyone he vaguely knew and did his best to keep his eyes averted from the dance floor where Nyota was doing her best to teach Spock how to dance.
‘Hey,’ Gaila said, appearing at Jim’s side.
Jim blinked in shock. ‘What you doing here? You don’t live in our residence area.’
‘I’m gate crashing because I had nothing else to do tonight,’ Gaila said, throwing some of her red hair behind her ear. ‘Wanna dance?’
‘Shouldn’t I be the one to ask you?’
‘Fine, ask me.’ She grinned flirtatiously.
Jim looked over to the dance floor and could vaguely see Spock and Nyota slow dancing, although Spock was clearly uncoordinated as he kept stepping on her shoes. He felt his heart drop slightly. ‘Fine, you want to dance?’
Gaila pouted in sympathy. ‘Don’t look so sad. Pretend I have a bowl cut and a penis and you’ll enjoy yourself.’
Jim laughed loudly as he let Gaila walk him over to the dance floor before wrapping her arms around his neck. They started dancing and Jim couldn’t stop staring whenever they moved past Spock and Nyota who were still struggling to dance in any normal way, Spock seemingly becoming frustrated that Nyota was so set on teaching him how to dance. He also didn’t look comfortable by the level of closeness that was required in dancing.
‘You miss him?’ Gaila said, bringing Jim eyes back to hers.
‘Yeah, I really do. I miss being friends with him and talking about particle physics over a game of chess. And obviously I miss the sex, but I know that breaking up was the right thing.’
‘Really?’ Gaila asked, sounding doubtful as they danced slowly.
‘Yeah, I wouldn’t be good for him long term,’ Jim said, his eyes flicking to Spock for a split second.
‘Ok, I’m going to do you a favour because you always comment on how pretty I am,’ Gaila suddenly said, as she stopped dancing.
‘What favour?’ Jim asked, a frown etching his features.
Gaila grinned before turning around and catching Nyota’s eye a few feet away. ‘Nyota, hey, I need your advice on something in the ladies restroom, pronto.’
Nyota and Spock stopped their awkward dancing and turned to look at them both. Jim looked down at his shoes as Nyota narrowed her eyes.
‘Now, it’s important,’ Gaila whined, tilting her head in the direction of the restrooms. Nyota let go of Spock and brushed past Jim, her face set in a scowl as she followed Gaila through the dancing couples.
‘You want to?’ Jim said, standing opposite Spock and offering his arms.
‘As you saw, I cannot dance.’
‘Please?’ Jim said, bringing out a pout and his best puppy dog eyes.
Spock sighed and wrapped his arms securely around Jim’s waist, his breath hitching as Jim wrapped an arm around Spock’s neck, bringing them tight against one another. Jim swallowed nervously as he started moving his feet and Spock somehow fell into step, his feet moving in time with Jim’s almost subconsciously.
‘You’re doing good,’ Jim said happily. ‘Don’t look down at your feet, look at me.’
‘I am trying,’ Spock mumbled, his eyes meeting Jim’s. They danced closely for a few minutes, Jim keeping a firm grip on the body in front of him.
‘Spock,’ Jim said softly, his eyes soft and vulnerable. Jim didn’t know what came over him but it suddenly felt like the most natural thing in the world to lean in and brush his lips against Spock’s in a whisper of a kiss. Spock stopped dancing and lurched back, his hands releasing Jim immediately as he took a step away.
‘Do not,’ Spock simply said, his eyes flying everywhere but at Jim. ‘I must tell you something.’
‘What?’ Jim asked, his voice taking on a worried edge.
‘I am transferring to a new room come spring,’ Spock stated as couples danced around them.
Jim’s eyes flashed in the darkness as he gripped Spock’s wrist firmly and pulled him away from the dance floor and out of the hall so they were standing in a lit corridor.
‘You’re just going?’ Jim snapped, his voice rising.
‘I cannot live with you.’
‘Why not? I’m doing my best to be a good roommate, Spock.’
‘I cannot live with you after what has happened. It is taking its toll on my emotional well being and I believe it would be better for me to start over come January.’
Jim felt his heart thump painfully, his eyes shining as he stared pleadingly at Spock. ‘No one will understand you, you know. You’ll get your roommate and he’ll sleep with girls all the time, make fun of you…’
‘It would not be much of a departure from my situation now.’ Spock’s eyes remained hard as Jim turned and leant back against the cold brick wall.
‘How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?’
‘It is not sorry I am after.’
‘Then what the hell is it?’ Jim asked desperately, feeling his frustration and sadness overcome him.
‘You do not ever want to be in a relationship with me, correct?’
Jim dropped his head down to stare at his feet, the fight in him seeping away. ‘That’s correct,’ Jim murmured quietly. ‘I’d hurt you eventually.’
‘You have already hurt me greatly.’
Jim was about to reply when Nyota jogged up to them, dress clutched in her hands to stop her tripping. ‘Hey, I wondered when you got to.’
Spock dragged his eyes away from Jim. ‘I will come now.’
‘Good,’ Nyota said with a blinding smile at Spock. She threw Jim a glare before stomping off, her heels clicking on the floor as they went back into the hall.
Jim felt his whole body slowly sink to the floor, his back pressed against the wall behind him as his legs went out into the middle of the corridor. ‘Fuck.’
Jim stayed that way for a few minutes, before pushing himself up and making his way to one of the men’s restrooms where he started splashing his face with cold water.
‘You OK, man?’ A tall dark haired guy said who Jim vaguely recognised from his foreign languages lecture. Jim was fairly sure his name was Gary.
‘Just one of those nights,’ Jim said with an empty laugh. ‘I wish they had liquor at these things.’
‘Don’t we all,’ Gary said, as he turned and leant against one of the sinks. ‘I heard you and your boyfriend broke up.’
Jim frowned. ‘How dya know that?’
‘My roommate is good friends with your neighbour; Chekov.’
‘Ah, cool,’ Jim said lamely, turning off the tap and fixing his hair using the mirror.
‘So, you looking?’ Gary asked, inspecting his nails.
‘Looking?’ Jim said, frowning in confusion.
‘Well, are you single and looking or are you single and getting over your boyfriend?’
Jim looked Gary up and down. ‘Why?’
‘Let’s say I’m an interested party. I was a little jealous when I found out you were with a guy.’
Jim swallowed and he looked at Gary more fully this time, taking in his dark hair and tall figure.
‘I don’t really go for guys,’ Jim said, feeling awkward. ‘Other than the guy I was with.’
Gary nodded, looking disappointed. ‘You sure?’
Jim looked toward the door of the restrooms and felt a sort of vulnerability come over him, remembering that come spring Spock was no longer going to be around or even in his life. It made him want to forget, to escape for a bit of time and not think about how much he’d fucked things up. The lack of alcohol was making him think about other strategies to help him forget and suddenly Gary seemed like the obvious, more appealing choice.
Jim gave Gary another long heated look up and down. ‘You give head?’ Jim asked bluntly, barely recognising himself.
‘I’m gay, what do you think?’ Gary teased.
Jim grabbed at Gary’s tie and pulled him into the nearest cubicle, slamming the door shut behind them. Gary went for his mouth but Jim turned away, needing for it to be as impersonal as possible. Jim grabbed at his own zipper and tugged it down as Gary got down onto the floor, his hands grabbing at Jim’s pants and boxers, and pulling them down his thighs.
‘Nice,’ Gary murmured lowly as Jim’s cock sprung free, thick and heavy between his legs.
Jim put his hand on the closed stall door over Gary’s head as his other hand went straight into Gary’s head, directing his mouth to where he wanted it. Gary’s mouth closed over Jim’s erection and went as deep as he could straight away, sucking strongly before pulling off and flicking his tongue over the head.
Jim moaned as his hips thrust forward into the hot mouth, his fingers grasping at Gary’s head desperately. Jim hated the fact that he couldn’t help comparing Gary to Spock. Gary was far better technique wise as he’d clearly had more practice, but Jim still found himself missing the hesitant, almost clumsy way Spock would give him head, his eagerness and enthusiasm easily making up for his lack of technique.
Jim pressed his cock in deeper, willing himself for a second to forget Spock as he felt his orgasm approach. ‘I’m close,’ Jim warned as Gary picked up the pace, his mouth bobbing up and down as Jim pushed his cock in and out as quickly as possible.
Jim felt the wave crash over him as he shot deeply into Gary’s mouth and shouted out, vaguely thinking the orgasm wasn’t as strong compared to when he was with Spock.
Gary got up from the floor, wiping his mouth. as Jim got his breathing back. ‘That’s never happened before.’ Gary snorted.
Jim frowned. ‘A guy has never come in your mouth?’
Gary looked at Jim with amusement, like he was the subject of a joke he wasn’t part of. ‘Not that. You said the name; Spock. I’m guessing that’s your ex, right?’
Jim felt mortified, his cheeks going red as he shut his eyes. ‘Oh god, I’m sorry.’
‘Hey, it’s OK,’ Gary said as Jim grabbed at his pants and boxers, pulling them up hastily. ‘Come sit next to me in our foreign languages lecture when you’re over him, OK? We can get some coffee or something.’
‘That’d be great,’ Jim said automatically, not about to tell Gary he had no intention of ever taking him up on that offer. ‘Thanks for… you know.’
‘No problem.’ Gary turned and left the cubicle quickly, leaving Jim to make himself presentable.
Jim sat down on the closed toilet lid and put his head in his hands, feeling like he wanted to scream and cry and sleep all at the same time.
…..
Jim walked into his bedroom, his jacket flung over his shoulder as he took in the empty bed. Jim felt his stomach drop when he wondered if Spock was with Nyota. Doing things with her. Just the thought made Jim want to throw a punch into a wall.
It was only five minutes later when the door clicked open and Spock walked in, his eyes barely taking in Jim as he slowly took off his own jacket and laid it on the bed.
‘You drop Nyota off?’ Jim asked, wondering how much information Spock would tell him.
‘Yes, she said she was fatigued. Although once we arrived at her door she claimed she was no longer tired. I found it baffling.’
Jim snorted. ‘Oh, Nyota,’ Jim said to himself as he shook his head. He watched Spock for a few minutes doing his normal nightly routine and felt a pang in his chest at how comforting it was. ‘I don’t want you to move rooms.’
‘We have already discussed it and I have already been granted a new room come next semester,’ Spock stated as he pulled on his pyjama pants.
‘We have not discussed it properly. What do I have to do?’
‘Something you claim you are unable to do,’ Spock said as he climbed in under his covers. ‘I do not want to be your friend, Jim.’
‘I don’t want to not be your friend,’ Jim admitted as he sat on the edge of his own bed, facing Spock.
‘You do not have the right to ask anything of me,’ Spock said, his voice cutting.
‘I was your boyfriend, I can,’ Jim said, his voice becoming louder.
‘Were. You are now nothing to me other than my roommate.’
Jim blinked, the words rocking him to his core and he vaguely felt tears spill down onto his cheek. Jim touched the tears in confusion as he looked at them in shock; like they weren’t part of him. He didn’t cry. He never cried. Jim sniffed and quickly wiped his eyes furiously, turning away from Spock so he couldn’t see.
‘Jim?’ Spock said, his voice soft and worried.
‘I’m fine,’ Jim said as strongly as he could, not able to hide the slight crack in his voice at the end of his sentence. ‘I’m fine,’ he tried again, this time saying it forcefully.
Jim lay down on top of his covers, facing away from Spock and he tried to breath and calm himself down, aware his eyes were still shining with unshed tears. He felt so alone and so guilty that he wasn’t surprised when a few more tears escaped and landed on his pillow before he feel asleep.
………
It was only a few days later when Jim strolled into his room to see boxes lying about, Spock packing up his desk drawers quietly.
Jim felt his throat clench up as he watched for a few minutes as Spock moved about the room, taking bits and pieces and putting them neatly into their designated packing section. He wanted to go and grab the stuff in the boxes and take it back out, sit Spock down and tell him that he didn’t want to spend the rest of the year without him. It scared him how badly he wanted and needed Spock to be around to ground him.
Jim’s eyes met Spock’s and he quickly looked away, feeling that his thoughts were written across his face.
‘You’ll come and visit me, right?’ Jim asked, trying to keep his desperation out of his voice.
Spock put a few more items into his box before addressing Jim. ‘If I have time.’
Jim watched him for a little while until deciding that the pain in his stomach wasn’t going away, and he felt his throat clench slightly so he turned and walked out, heading straight for McCoy’s room, the need to vent and scream overwhelming him.
He walked in without knocking and was grateful that McCoy was there, tapping his pen against the side of his computer.
‘He’s leaving.’
McCoy turned and raised an eyebrow. ‘Spock’s leaving today?’
‘Yeah. He’s moving over onto the other side of fucking campus.’
McCoy sighed and turned around, eyes determined. ‘Ok, sit the fuck down because I can’t keep being the supportive friend over what you did.’
Jim frowned. ‘At what point were you being supportive?’ Jim sat down on the bed, his heart racing.
McCoy waved him off. ‘You’re a fucking idiot. Repeat that to yourself a few times, Jim. You are the biggest fucking idiot I have ever met. I mean, I love your sorry ass but you’re an idiot.’
Jim blinked, swallowing deeply. ‘Ok?’
‘For the first time in your life you were happy. You weren’t doing any of your usual self-destructive tendencies like getting so drunk you throw a punch or land your self in bed with a girl and not use a condom. You were finally being a responsible adult by learning to think about someone else’s feelings and you fought for Spock because you wanted him and for the first time, you actually truly liked someone. Then you fucked it up because you thought it would be better for him. You realise that however fucked up your logic is, you were actually being selfless for the first time in your life.’
‘But-’ Jim tried.
‘No. Stop being a fucking idiot Jim and go and get your boyfriend back because I swear to god if I have to listen to you whine and moan about how Spock won’t talk to you or look at you one more time, I will kill you. You like him and maybe if you guys sat down and talked about how you feel then you could actually get back together.’
‘I don’t want-’
‘You do. Stop being a jerk, Jim. He wants your immature ass so how about you do the right thing and give it a proper shot? Tell him you hate commitment and that you need to take it slow and hopefully you guys will actually see the new year. You’re a good guy, Jim, and if you believed that, you would realise that you deserve each other. Go and atleast talk to him properly.’
Jim swallowed, his mind racing with all the possibilities of what he should do, what he wanted to do and what he knew he was going to. He respected McCoy’s opinion above anyone else’s and it gave him the final push to go and talk to Spock about everything and see if they could actually repair the damage he’d done. Then his mind landed on the fact that Spock was leaving. If he wanted an actual talk with him he had to leave. Jim jumped up, eyes wild, and smiled brightly at McCoy.
‘You know I love you.’
‘Shouldn’t you be saying that to Spock?’
‘Nope, that was all for you.’
Jim ran across to his building as fast as he could and took the stairs two at a time before running down his corridor, panting and sweaty as he threw open his door. His stomach dropped and he felt his eyes brim with disappointed tears as he took in the very bare and very empty side of the room.
He turned to his own side and saw a note.
‘Jim, Merry Christmas. Spock.’ To the left of it was a bottle of insect repellent.
Jim sat down on his bed and sighed, not knowing what to do as he curled himself into a protective ball. He wasn’t surprised when he felt a tear streak down his cheek, leaving a glistening silver line.
Chapter Twelve