This is everything I've been two afraid to say, but I cant feel worse than this so fuck it.

[demonicplaymate]

Its been what? like 8 months, I don't know but its been a long ass time. I keep myself alive at rock bottom with drugs and alcohol, I don't think I'll ever have a relationship again, for some reason I've been able to find these gorgeous nice guys and I cant even stay with them for more then a week, I cant even kiss them, its fucking horrid and I hate it. I feel like I've died and I'm just dragging my dead body around trying to numb it with drugs so that I wont break down, I lie every day when I try and act happy, so many fucking things have gone wrong. I still dream about him and the things he said that burnt so deep that I dont think I'll ever be able to feel like I did again. I wish sombody would just fucking put me out of my misery. Its odd, my grades are up alot higher than they've been in years and I'm even getting along with my Mom, but its only cus I stopped fighting back, I don't even care what happens. I hate my dad for what he did the last time I saw him, I shouldn't have to deal with that shit anymore, I don't think I'll ever see him again. And my moms only happy because I'm being submissive because I don't have the strength anymore to fight back. Suppression is killing me, and it only keeps getting worse. I never want to be sober, I hate this shit, I hate having to feel. I wish I could get everything you said and did out of my head but I cant, even the good memories make me sick, even when somebody says your name, and I'm so fucking tiered of covering it with hate because you did say and do some horrible shit but I don't hate you, I just would give anything to forget about you. I'm sorry for even talking about you but I cant fucking hold everything down, its like poison in my body and its killing me. Is it because of your pride that you cant admit that the things you said where all over something that wasn't even there, that I didn't lie and I didn't cheat and that I had nothing to do with it, do you ever think about that when your alone, do you ever feel bad for telling everyone horrible lies about me, I never wanted to do what I did, and you have no idea how much I suffer for that, its not easy to kill your own child, and I only did it because I didn't want to cause problems for you, like that court thing, I knew that would happen if I hadn't done what I did, and I didn't want you to go threw that so I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I still cry about it today, how could you say that to everyone, I wish you knew how it felt, I really do.

Sundays Halloween, I should be happy, I'll be two fucked up to think about anything.

I'm slowly and painfully dying, every inch of my insides ache, I don't know how long I can keep this up, and you can say whatever you want about me, I've already excepted that everything you said was true, and I hold myself as nothing...just like you wanted right?

I'm I really that horrible?

ChellieXxXsucks