And this...Ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm fucked in the head
Garrett: I know you would marry him in a heartbeat... I felt the same way for the longest time
Garrett: I can't speak for him... I really don't know why he fell for me.
Me: How could he just give this up? The only reason we fought was because i knew if things kept up the way they were going that he would fall in love with you.
Garrett: I don't know what went through his head.
Me: Does it even look like he's in love with me anymore?
Garrett: I think he loves you... But I don't know about in love
Me: Why won't he take my calls or texts anymore?
Garrett: I don't know... That's a question for him.
Me: I suppose it's too late to ask you to give us space... fuck. I just have this stupid fucking idea in my head, that if I told you guys back in December to never talk again that I could still be with him. And every day I'm without him, it's like a nightmare. I wish I would've done it, if only that i'd be with him now.
Garrett: I don't know what to say...
Me: Give me one more shot. One last chance with Matthew. You have no obligation to, and I completely understand if you say no. I just need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that it truly is me, and not you, that is the reason we're not together. We used to be so happy together before you came into our lives and I need to know why. I know you guys make each other happy, but we made each other happy first and for much longer. Maybe if he was forced to confront his feelings, instead of having you to look to during hard times, you and I would both get the answers we're looking for. I know you have doubts in your mind. Somewhere. You don't question his feelings or motivations at all since this has happened?
Garrett: From what I've gotten out of matt... He fully believes the problem wasn't in me and started long before. Even if I agreed to step out, Matt's told me he doesn't want to be with you and says he can't see himself with you ever again. I think this is already too far played out to undo. Also, as much as I wanted justin back, me and him are self destructive together. Honestly I saw the same qualities and same destructiveness in your relationship with matt. You probably disagree. Maybe you just didn't see that or at least see it that way.
Me: What was self destructive was my jealousy. I was so terrified to lose him that I did anything I could to keep him. We didn't used to fight like we did at the end.
Garrett: Well I don't know then...
Me: Will you have him call me?
Garrett: I just told him and he says he can't tonight... He'll probably call you tomorrow... I'll make sure he does cuz this is something you guys NEED to have some sort of closure
Me: Please. Tell him I'll make it short.
Me: I'm sorry you're in the middle of all of this.
Garrett: Don't be... It's understandable.
Me: What's your honest opinion on this? Sometimes I wonder if he isn't telling us what we want to hear.
Garrett: I don't think he's lying to me when he tells me he wants to be with me.
Me: I don't doubt that he wants to be with you, but it doesn't bother you that he tells me he's not sure what he feels with me?
Garrett: I don't really know what he tells you... But he tells me he doesn't want to be with you plain and simple... He tells me he has told you that... I don't know or really care because I feel he's telling me the truth.
Me: I'm not trying to stir up shit, Garrett. IF he wants to be with you, and he's not in love with me, and there's not shot of us being together, I just want to hear it from him. Please don't make me be the bad guy. I'm going with my gut.
Garrett: I understand... I'm not...I'm just telling you what he tells me
Me: And I'm telling you what he says to me. I should hope by now, you know who is lying and whom is telling the truth.
Garrett: I'm not going to judge or play sides.... You guys need to figure it out if he is lying to you.
Me: So, you think he IS lying to me? What motivation would that give him, other than to keep me on the back burner?
Garrett: I don't know, Nick
Me: Will you tell me something, please? Because either I'm being paranoid or Matthew is playing us.
Garrett: I think you just digging too deep. Over analyzing.
Me: I know what he says to me, regardless of his intentions. I've never lied about this before, Why start now?
Garrett: I'm not saying you're lying...For instance tonight he told me you asked him an insanely vague question about how if he thinks you guys will ever be together again and he said that he didn't know. That gives you hope...Right?
Me: I asked if we could, not if we will. And it doesn't give me lucidity, and that should bother you more than it bothers me.
Garrett: Well, What's he going to say? No? It's possible.
Me: That'd be easier than dragging this out. And I've asked him too, if that was the case.
* * *
I found some old letters Matthew wrote me too. Figured I'd post them, despite how unhealthy it is:
I lvoe you more then i think even you realize sometimes, and its ok that you didnt convey what you were trying to say like u wanted, because i understood you perfectly, i think.... I know that you are freaked out about being commited after what happened with jesse, and that you are afraid of being alone, and that sometimes you snap at me from all the other stress in your life, but thats ok. The fact that you will give ME a shot and try to let ME in after all thats happened to you, even though like you said sometimes you almost wish you didnt have a bf, but the fact that you let me into your life means the world to me ^_^. The fact that above all else i love you, and a am positive that you love me for just the way i am. And i want you to know that i love you for everylittle things about you down to even your flaws, I dont mind picking up the pieces like youve said before, or that its hard to let me in at times casue your still unsure if your ready for a relationship like ours after what happened with jesse. I feel like you still DO let me in against your will alot of the time, and i know in my heart thats becasue you love me and do want to be with me. If i could id give up anything just to be with you right now, dumb as it sounds, but im hoping that this email properly shows how i feel and shows that i understand what u meant. teehee ^_^. Thank you so much for commiting to this, to me, to US after everything that youve faced, it shows how much a truely do mean to you even though im clearly just as crazy as you :). I lvoe you nicholas and hopefuly, someday, we get married, I would love that more then anything else :) but for now lets just love eachother unconditionaly, and make plans for the rest of our lives, and have lots of stupid fun filled moments, and good food, and everything else perfect we do. and in time il hope that you can completely 100% let me in (im not sure if you have but i dunno) and that you will marry me when i do eventualy ask you :). I lvoe you nicholas Garrett Saine. plz dont ever leave me.
-<3-your loving caring bf forever-Matty
sorry ive gotta send it on this so my mom cant read :/ we can discuss it in back and forth emails if you wanna or in person but basicaly lindseys mom told her daughter that my mom has a program on her laptop that lets her read everything that we say on aim and possibly myspace. we cant figure out why her mom would tell her this as A WARNING cause her moms like "you shoudl prob talk with kirst on the phone about important things if you dont want her mom knowing possibly" and so she told kirst and kirst told me... so yeah my mom reched a new lvl of bitchyness dont know how long shes had it though :/. I LAVA YOU ^_^
-your matty
I was going to respond, but I just can't bring myself to, right now.
Garrett: I can't speak for him... I really don't know why he fell for me.
Me: How could he just give this up? The only reason we fought was because i knew if things kept up the way they were going that he would fall in love with you.
Garrett: I don't know what went through his head.
Me: Does it even look like he's in love with me anymore?
Garrett: I think he loves you... But I don't know about in love
Me: Why won't he take my calls or texts anymore?
Garrett: I don't know... That's a question for him.
Me: I suppose it's too late to ask you to give us space... fuck. I just have this stupid fucking idea in my head, that if I told you guys back in December to never talk again that I could still be with him. And every day I'm without him, it's like a nightmare. I wish I would've done it, if only that i'd be with him now.
Garrett: I don't know what to say...
Me: Give me one more shot. One last chance with Matthew. You have no obligation to, and I completely understand if you say no. I just need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that it truly is me, and not you, that is the reason we're not together. We used to be so happy together before you came into our lives and I need to know why. I know you guys make each other happy, but we made each other happy first and for much longer. Maybe if he was forced to confront his feelings, instead of having you to look to during hard times, you and I would both get the answers we're looking for. I know you have doubts in your mind. Somewhere. You don't question his feelings or motivations at all since this has happened?
Garrett: From what I've gotten out of matt... He fully believes the problem wasn't in me and started long before. Even if I agreed to step out, Matt's told me he doesn't want to be with you and says he can't see himself with you ever again. I think this is already too far played out to undo. Also, as much as I wanted justin back, me and him are self destructive together. Honestly I saw the same qualities and same destructiveness in your relationship with matt. You probably disagree. Maybe you just didn't see that or at least see it that way.
Me: What was self destructive was my jealousy. I was so terrified to lose him that I did anything I could to keep him. We didn't used to fight like we did at the end.
Garrett: Well I don't know then...
Me: Will you have him call me?
Garrett: I just told him and he says he can't tonight... He'll probably call you tomorrow... I'll make sure he does cuz this is something you guys NEED to have some sort of closure
Me: Please. Tell him I'll make it short.
Me: I'm sorry you're in the middle of all of this.
Garrett: Don't be... It's understandable.
Me: What's your honest opinion on this? Sometimes I wonder if he isn't telling us what we want to hear.
Garrett: I don't think he's lying to me when he tells me he wants to be with me.
Me: I don't doubt that he wants to be with you, but it doesn't bother you that he tells me he's not sure what he feels with me?
Garrett: I don't really know what he tells you... But he tells me he doesn't want to be with you plain and simple... He tells me he has told you that... I don't know or really care because I feel he's telling me the truth.
Me: I'm not trying to stir up shit, Garrett. IF he wants to be with you, and he's not in love with me, and there's not shot of us being together, I just want to hear it from him. Please don't make me be the bad guy. I'm going with my gut.
Garrett: I understand... I'm not...I'm just telling you what he tells me
Me: And I'm telling you what he says to me. I should hope by now, you know who is lying and whom is telling the truth.
Garrett: I'm not going to judge or play sides.... You guys need to figure it out if he is lying to you.
Me: So, you think he IS lying to me? What motivation would that give him, other than to keep me on the back burner?
Garrett: I don't know, Nick
Me: Will you tell me something, please? Because either I'm being paranoid or Matthew is playing us.
Garrett: I think you just digging too deep. Over analyzing.
Me: I know what he says to me, regardless of his intentions. I've never lied about this before, Why start now?
Garrett: I'm not saying you're lying...For instance tonight he told me you asked him an insanely vague question about how if he thinks you guys will ever be together again and he said that he didn't know. That gives you hope...Right?
Me: I asked if we could, not if we will. And it doesn't give me lucidity, and that should bother you more than it bothers me.
Garrett: Well, What's he going to say? No? It's possible.
Me: That'd be easier than dragging this out. And I've asked him too, if that was the case.
* * *
I found some old letters Matthew wrote me too. Figured I'd post them, despite how unhealthy it is:
I lvoe you more then i think even you realize sometimes, and its ok that you didnt convey what you were trying to say like u wanted, because i understood you perfectly, i think.... I know that you are freaked out about being commited after what happened with jesse, and that you are afraid of being alone, and that sometimes you snap at me from all the other stress in your life, but thats ok. The fact that you will give ME a shot and try to let ME in after all thats happened to you, even though like you said sometimes you almost wish you didnt have a bf, but the fact that you let me into your life means the world to me ^_^. The fact that above all else i love you, and a am positive that you love me for just the way i am. And i want you to know that i love you for everylittle things about you down to even your flaws, I dont mind picking up the pieces like youve said before, or that its hard to let me in at times casue your still unsure if your ready for a relationship like ours after what happened with jesse. I feel like you still DO let me in against your will alot of the time, and i know in my heart thats becasue you love me and do want to be with me. If i could id give up anything just to be with you right now, dumb as it sounds, but im hoping that this email properly shows how i feel and shows that i understand what u meant. teehee ^_^. Thank you so much for commiting to this, to me, to US after everything that youve faced, it shows how much a truely do mean to you even though im clearly just as crazy as you :). I lvoe you nicholas and hopefuly, someday, we get married, I would love that more then anything else :) but for now lets just love eachother unconditionaly, and make plans for the rest of our lives, and have lots of stupid fun filled moments, and good food, and everything else perfect we do. and in time il hope that you can completely 100% let me in (im not sure if you have but i dunno) and that you will marry me when i do eventualy ask you :). I lvoe you nicholas Garrett Saine. plz dont ever leave me.
-<3-your loving caring bf forever-Matty
sorry ive gotta send it on this so my mom cant read :/ we can discuss it in back and forth emails if you wanna or in person but basicaly lindseys mom told her daughter that my mom has a program on her laptop that lets her read everything that we say on aim and possibly myspace. we cant figure out why her mom would tell her this as A WARNING cause her moms like "you shoudl prob talk with kirst on the phone about important things if you dont want her mom knowing possibly" and so she told kirst and kirst told me... so yeah my mom reched a new lvl of bitchyness dont know how long shes had it though :/. I LAVA YOU ^_^
-your matty
I was going to respond, but I just can't bring myself to, right now.