(no subject)
I'm transcribing this from my notebook. When Cody was here I felt overwhelming emotions and had I not dumped them as I felt them, I'm not sure how I would've reacted. Forgive the emo-ness and the randomness of the text, I write far different than I type:
Maybe in the fervor of my jealousy my true feelings can
FUCK
Screaming wouldn't do it. I don't know what would anymore. I want Chris. More than anything.
More than school, more than my friends. The desire is destroying me. My thoughts are so plagued with anger that I'm losing sight of who I really am.
How have I let this happen? Is it singledom that has made me this way?
I can't bear being without Chris. And yet, I couldn't bear splitting Cody and Chris up to be with him. Cody is so amazing and it's inspiring to see how happy they make each other.
Part of me wonders if Matthew and I were ever really happy, like they are. And if we were then what's to prevent them from becoming us? and if that's the case: what faith do I have that not only I but anyone can have a happy, meaningful and more importantly secure and long lasting relationship?
After giving my whole being into something and having it nearly destroy me, I don't know that ever letting it consume me like that again can ever really happen. But, maybe...
Maybe you only get that shot once
Maybe I, and Keegan and Chris can't get that back. Maybe this is Garrett and Cody's shot at that kind of consuming, overpowering, intoxicating love.
Seeing them touch makes me yearn for it. With Chris. With someone as amazing as Chris. That comfort and desire and temptation and compassion that no other relationship can offer. I think inside, Cody knows how lucky he is.
So, what can make me happy again? Sure, Chris would be my panacea but much like the miracle drug to a cancer patient, the cost of it is and would be too great. The bigger question is, what is it about Chris that has made him stick out? Why is my desire for Chris so strong when those willing to give me love so freely, like Pedro or Sherrod or Jacob are pushed into the back of my mind?
I'm concerned that I escape into my imagination more than I should. I find myself reenacting full scenes. Huge elaborate dialogues, both of fantasy and supernatural variety. I morph, orb, stop time with the wave of my hands and even convince Chris to be with me and join vastly successful boybands.
But even escaping into these vast, time consuming daydreams isn't enough anymore. As unhealthy and potentially dangerous to rely on my daydreams, it was the only thing keeping me sane. My friends and family help so long as they're around, the fantasies took care of it when they weren't.
A running theme in Charmed is sacrificing for the greater good. Haven't I given enough? Haven't I done the right thing long enough to have sacrificed everything for everyone else? It might seem superficial, but, damn it, I'm sick of it. I lost my grandma, my mother, I've moved away from everything I hold dear and let my true love indulge in his selfish trashy romance. I go at the beck and call of my friends whenever and however they need and while it's more than my pleasure to not only have my friends in my life but to do the right thing...and it has given me great joy. But at what cost? In the long run, has the blessings really outweighed the sorrow the sacrifices brought me?
Matt still talks to me as if nothing happened. Like he didn't cheat on me with my best friend. As if he didn't single-handedly destroy my life. The audacity of it is, almost awe inspiring. I'm tired of his bullshit. I want to throttle him. Shake him beyond repair so he even knows a small facet of my pain, What he's done and doing to me and to Garrett.
Can someone so irrevocably selfish be capable of turning not ONLY from good but from his terrible selfish form now to someone who is capable of the same kind of love I know he used to be capable of?
Should these thoughts even exist? I mean, how irrevocable can trust become damaged before it become the type of neurosis that is sure to forever doom any other prospect that crosses my path?
That's it. I don't know why I stopped there. I sound like a monster. Brilliant
Maybe in the fervor of my jealousy my true feelings can
FUCK
Screaming wouldn't do it. I don't know what would anymore. I want Chris. More than anything.
More than school, more than my friends. The desire is destroying me. My thoughts are so plagued with anger that I'm losing sight of who I really am.
How have I let this happen? Is it singledom that has made me this way?
I can't bear being without Chris. And yet, I couldn't bear splitting Cody and Chris up to be with him. Cody is so amazing and it's inspiring to see how happy they make each other.
Part of me wonders if Matthew and I were ever really happy, like they are. And if we were then what's to prevent them from becoming us? and if that's the case: what faith do I have that not only I but anyone can have a happy, meaningful and more importantly secure and long lasting relationship?
After giving my whole being into something and having it nearly destroy me, I don't know that ever letting it consume me like that again can ever really happen. But, maybe...
Maybe you only get that shot once
Maybe I, and Keegan and Chris can't get that back. Maybe this is Garrett and Cody's shot at that kind of consuming, overpowering, intoxicating love.
Seeing them touch makes me yearn for it. With Chris. With someone as amazing as Chris. That comfort and desire and temptation and compassion that no other relationship can offer. I think inside, Cody knows how lucky he is.
So, what can make me happy again? Sure, Chris would be my panacea but much like the miracle drug to a cancer patient, the cost of it is and would be too great. The bigger question is, what is it about Chris that has made him stick out? Why is my desire for Chris so strong when those willing to give me love so freely, like Pedro or Sherrod or Jacob are pushed into the back of my mind?
I'm concerned that I escape into my imagination more than I should. I find myself reenacting full scenes. Huge elaborate dialogues, both of fantasy and supernatural variety. I morph, orb, stop time with the wave of my hands and even convince Chris to be with me and join vastly successful boybands.
But even escaping into these vast, time consuming daydreams isn't enough anymore. As unhealthy and potentially dangerous to rely on my daydreams, it was the only thing keeping me sane. My friends and family help so long as they're around, the fantasies took care of it when they weren't.
A running theme in Charmed is sacrificing for the greater good. Haven't I given enough? Haven't I done the right thing long enough to have sacrificed everything for everyone else? It might seem superficial, but, damn it, I'm sick of it. I lost my grandma, my mother, I've moved away from everything I hold dear and let my true love indulge in his selfish trashy romance. I go at the beck and call of my friends whenever and however they need and while it's more than my pleasure to not only have my friends in my life but to do the right thing...and it has given me great joy. But at what cost? In the long run, has the blessings really outweighed the sorrow the sacrifices brought me?
Matt still talks to me as if nothing happened. Like he didn't cheat on me with my best friend. As if he didn't single-handedly destroy my life. The audacity of it is, almost awe inspiring. I'm tired of his bullshit. I want to throttle him. Shake him beyond repair so he even knows a small facet of my pain, What he's done and doing to me and to Garrett.
Can someone so irrevocably selfish be capable of turning not ONLY from good but from his terrible selfish form now to someone who is capable of the same kind of love I know he used to be capable of?
Should these thoughts even exist? I mean, how irrevocable can trust become damaged before it become the type of neurosis that is sure to forever doom any other prospect that crosses my path?
That's it. I don't know why I stopped there. I sound like a monster. Brilliant