A slightly personal convo.
Me: i told him that i used to prefer 60% top 40% bottom
Josh: mhmmm
me: and now i don't see myself ever bottoming again
Josh: right
me: and he paralleled it to my inability to give up control because the last time i did it, my life was destroyed
Josh: sounds about right
me: heh, so i'd have to work that out if we were going to have sex all weekend
unless you're content with 3rd base
Josh: remind me what 3rd base is again
me: head
Josh: nope
me: lol
Josh: well then work that shit out boy
me: haha, it'll probably carry over to the next sad sack i fool into being my boyfriend
Josh: why would you let it do that?
me: i don't LET my mental retardation do it
it just...happens
i don't trust anything anymore
Josh: and you think I'm going to screw you over?
o-O
me: ....
i don't know anyone's motives anymore
Josh: o_O
me: Matt was honestly one of the most genuine and honest people i knew
and the world twisted him into this monster
Josh: apparently not
me: ...it's not his fault
but
Josh: ummm
me: it opened my eyes to how much someone can change
how warped someone can become
Josh: if that helps you sleep at night that's find but lets not talk about it I don't feel like getting into an argument with you this early in the morning
me: ...it's 12.20
Josh: yup
me: and i'm not arguing, i'm stating facts.
Josh: and I'm stating observation
your to close to the fire to see the whole picture
but like I said I don't feel like talking about it right now
me: i'm not vindicating him, i'm not saying what he did was right
i'm merely stating where my distrust is coming from
Josh: hun, I know where your distrust comes from
me: and it's that if someone i felt was wholesome and decent can change into something so horrible, than anything is up to scrutiny
Josh: I know you and I've known you for a hell of alot longer then he has
Jesse was the same way
me: no, jesse was ALWAYS awful
i just didn't think i could do better
Josh: well I'm going to be painfully honist as I always am
you and Matt wouldn't have worked out any way
the way your relationship started and the sercumstances (sp horably wrong) the lead to it will never foster the foundation that it will take to build a lasting relationship
me: lol
we had that
and got past it
Josh: the fact that he left steven for you?
me: what led to the downfall was my leniency
no
he didn't leave steven for me
Josh: that's what I'm talking about
oh?
me: he left steven because of me
we hadn't intended on dating
Steven was being a BITCH
Josh: close enough to my point
me: and matt told him to fuck off
Josh: this I know
and that as well
me: the thing that led to the relationship failing
was me letting garrett get that close, and then letting him stick around after it happened
Josh: so you don't trust other people becuase you didn't do what you know you needed to do?
btw
I love you
me: lol
i love you too
and yes, partially
Josh: ok, just wanted to make sure that you know that
nodS
me: i let garrett stick around because i figured that both of them would've done the right thing
i just put too much faith in them, i suppose
...or in matt
i can't fault garrett for how he acted
Josh: I can agree on that
ummm
yeah you can
me: initially, i can
but when matt's letting it be ok
and telling him he wants to be with garrett
and sleeping with him KNOWING how garrett feels about him
what's garrett supposed to think?
Josh: it's still wrong
regardless
and they are both in the wrong
as far as I am concerened they are both equaly wrong
me: i initially put full blame on garrett
but after time passed i put more and more on matt
i feel like the initial incident was garrett's fault
and everything after that
slowly became matt's fault more and more
i'm not so much concerned with what happened
but how
it didn't have to take five months and nearly destroy me for him to get what he needed and for us to end up here
and what's more,
i held back here at school because of it
and i didn't have to had he just been honest from the gate
Josh: you expect a cheater to be honist?
wait
me: you have to understand
Josh: I sound even less trusting then you do now that I think about it lol
me: i went into the last few months with the perception that matt was the same person he always was
i didn't start to realize the change until the end of march
Josh: mhmmm
me: and now i don't see myself ever bottoming again
Josh: right
me: and he paralleled it to my inability to give up control because the last time i did it, my life was destroyed
Josh: sounds about right
me: heh, so i'd have to work that out if we were going to have sex all weekend
unless you're content with 3rd base
Josh: remind me what 3rd base is again
me: head
Josh: nope
me: lol
Josh: well then work that shit out boy
me: haha, it'll probably carry over to the next sad sack i fool into being my boyfriend
Josh: why would you let it do that?
me: i don't LET my mental retardation do it
it just...happens
i don't trust anything anymore
Josh: and you think I'm going to screw you over?
o-O
me: ....
i don't know anyone's motives anymore
Josh: o_O
me: Matt was honestly one of the most genuine and honest people i knew
and the world twisted him into this monster
Josh: apparently not
me: ...it's not his fault
but
Josh: ummm
me: it opened my eyes to how much someone can change
how warped someone can become
Josh: if that helps you sleep at night that's find but lets not talk about it I don't feel like getting into an argument with you this early in the morning
me: ...it's 12.20
Josh: yup
me: and i'm not arguing, i'm stating facts.
Josh: and I'm stating observation
your to close to the fire to see the whole picture
but like I said I don't feel like talking about it right now
me: i'm not vindicating him, i'm not saying what he did was right
i'm merely stating where my distrust is coming from
Josh: hun, I know where your distrust comes from
me: and it's that if someone i felt was wholesome and decent can change into something so horrible, than anything is up to scrutiny
Josh: I know you and I've known you for a hell of alot longer then he has
Jesse was the same way
me: no, jesse was ALWAYS awful
i just didn't think i could do better
Josh: well I'm going to be painfully honist as I always am
you and Matt wouldn't have worked out any way
the way your relationship started and the sercumstances (sp horably wrong) the lead to it will never foster the foundation that it will take to build a lasting relationship
me: lol
we had that
and got past it
Josh: the fact that he left steven for you?
me: what led to the downfall was my leniency
no
he didn't leave steven for me
Josh: that's what I'm talking about
oh?
me: he left steven because of me
we hadn't intended on dating
Steven was being a BITCH
Josh: close enough to my point
me: and matt told him to fuck off
Josh: this I know
and that as well
me: the thing that led to the relationship failing
was me letting garrett get that close, and then letting him stick around after it happened
Josh: so you don't trust other people becuase you didn't do what you know you needed to do?
btw
I love you
me: lol
i love you too
and yes, partially
Josh: ok, just wanted to make sure that you know that
nodS
me: i let garrett stick around because i figured that both of them would've done the right thing
i just put too much faith in them, i suppose
...or in matt
i can't fault garrett for how he acted
Josh: I can agree on that
ummm
yeah you can
me: initially, i can
but when matt's letting it be ok
and telling him he wants to be with garrett
and sleeping with him KNOWING how garrett feels about him
what's garrett supposed to think?
Josh: it's still wrong
regardless
and they are both in the wrong
as far as I am concerened they are both equaly wrong
me: i initially put full blame on garrett
but after time passed i put more and more on matt
i feel like the initial incident was garrett's fault
and everything after that
slowly became matt's fault more and more
i'm not so much concerned with what happened
but how
it didn't have to take five months and nearly destroy me for him to get what he needed and for us to end up here
and what's more,
i held back here at school because of it
and i didn't have to had he just been honest from the gate
Josh: you expect a cheater to be honist?
wait
me: you have to understand
Josh: I sound even less trusting then you do now that I think about it lol
me: i went into the last few months with the perception that matt was the same person he always was
i didn't start to realize the change until the end of march