DJBCKISABCJASB Goddamnit Self
I was starting to forget I have this X_X. Been kinda...engrossed with Tumblr and Plurk and stuff.
LET ME UPDATE/RAMBLE!
So, my new friend hitzusin and I started RPing together, cuz she was the only Dean I could find that was available all the time, lol. That's been...fun. I think she's the only person to temporarily cure my otherwise crippling anxiety with RP. <3 Obviously, I'm Cas and she's my Dean.
Started watching The Secret Circle on Thursday. It seems like a good show, I plan/intend to keep watching it.
Excited for Glee on Tuesday~
Prepared for a soul crushing experience next Friday given it's the Season 7 premiere for SPN. However, while some parts of me are still going through various bouts of optimism and pessimism, a different part of me isn't...really worried.
Because in the past week or so, I've had two SPN-related dreams, both of them oddly symbolic in hindsight and both of them left me with a sense of hope...
The first one was kind of weird cuz it had both myself and my dad in it, but the parts I remember most are the ones involving Dean and Cas (I know Sam and possibly Bobby were there as well, but all I really remember are Dean and Cas). The dream consisted of Cas splitting into three different physical versions of himself. Kind of like when Sam was trapped in his mind when the wall was breaking only...physical rather than mental...I'm not sure how to really explain what I saw. But in any case, Cas was split up into three versions: a sinisterly cold part that was more or less the one consisting of all the souls, an oddly giggly part, and the last part was a part of himself that frequently went around talking about how lonely he was. Presumably that was the real Cas.
Dean was there too, and he was also split into three parts. I have NO IDEA why, but it wasn't as chaotic as Cas' (Cas split up because he was unable to hold himself together with all those souls in him) and all three Dean's actually worked together for the common goal which was to gather up all the Cas parts and put him back together. I know one Dean was the Season 6 Dean/the real Dean cuz he wore the green jacket. The other two Deans both were two slightly different denim jackets....like the ones Dean wore early on in the series for a bit. I couldn't tell you what seasons they may've been from.
But yeah, so the common goal was finding all of Cas' pieces and somehow putting him back together. The real Dean and I (and some other people that I don't remember) had tracked down one of them to a hotel of sorts that was having some kind of convention. The part we'd tracked down was the lonely part of Cas and he had apparently crashed the convention and was on the stage area talking about his loneliness and other things that I can't really remember now, but I remember Dean and I were listening in/watching and I remarked to Dean about how I was correct about Cas (being lonely on the inside and all).
Then I woke up from that dream. It's weird though, because in hindsight the three Cas' could represent a similar internal struggle like what Sam went through. Because at the start of the dream I literally watched Cas go from whole to three different pieces of himself. It was...really, really fucking weird. Like one moment he was whole and then all of a sudden there were two other hims that just....waltzed like ghosts out of the solid Cas and then they too became solid. And then they all walked in different directions.
And though it didn't come to me at the time, I'm starting to think that the three Deans was not meant in a literal sense, but in a....metaphorical way. Specifically, I think it may've been a representation for Dean's methods or solutions when it came to Cas. Because all of them were indeed working to find Cas, but all of them had different solutions to 'fixing' him. Ranging from the early seasons of 'Shoot first, ask later' to a 'save him'. It kinda....gives the sense that Dean is going to be conflicted in what he wants to do, and early previews and spoilers have more-or-less proven this to be true.
The other dream I had, which was a few days after that dream, involved only Cas and I. I can only assume because of how deep my attachment to him is. Anyway, he was driving a truck to go somewhere for some reason and I was accompanying him on whatever it was. I was really sleepy, though, so he let me rest against his arm because all other pillow options were considerably uncomfortable. The road we were on was straightforward and I dozed pretty lightly in this dream. Then we were at a part (the road we were taking was going through a woods, oddly) where the road split into a kind of T-junction. I saw it a little too late and told him we had to go right. But because I spotted it too late and his epic driving skillz, we kinda ran over that road completely and almost hit a treeline but he managed to turn back around and went right. Except it was the right we were now facing which was our original left. So I woke up a bit from the dream doze to tell him "No, no, Cas, we have to go right!" and he looked at me confused and said "But I did go right..." and I had to explain to him how he went the wrong right and that the right we were meant to be going was in the other direction.
But he kept driving until we got to some weird looking place that I knew somehow wasn't the place we were supposed to be at and he finally registered that this was indeed the wrong way so he turned around and went the right way. Then I went back to dozing on his arm until we arrived at our proper destination which was a neighborhood I'd never been to. Again, I don't know our reasons for being there but....there was a random black family that we went to the house of and they had a nice looking house and two cats and lot of oriental cat ornaments throughout the house. I also vaguely remember that Castiel disappeared for a bit and I panicked not knowing where he was but I think he must've returned cuz the panic went away just before I woke up.
What I'm getting from hindsight reflection on that dream is mostly related to Castiel's path in the series (from Season 4 all the way through 6 and into 7). During Seasons 4 and 5, Cas had been on a relatively straightforward, if not bumpy path. His goals were always clear, because they were Dean's goals. But then stuff got complicated after Season 5. He came to a crossroads (Crowley) and made a wrong turn (deciding dealing with a demon to work together to open the door to Purgatory was a better plan than breaking the peace Dean finally had in his life). He continued down that path, even when met with comments to the contrary (Fate, Rachel, Balthazar, the Winchesters and Bobby confronting him), and he wound up in a bad place that was inexplicably wrong (taking in the souls and becoming overwhelmed by them and trapped in a mental breakdown). But upon realizing the mistake, he turned around, albeit not smoothly, and went back in the direction that he should've gone in the first place and ended up in a relatively good place. And then he disappeared (early spoilers revealed that after 7.02, Cas has not been written for anymore episodes yet), but then he came back (recent rumors are thinking that he's coming back in episode 7). And all was well (happy ending????).
I don't know about you guys, but it feels to me like my subconscious is trying to tell me that everything is going to be ok with him. Even Jared and Jensen have said that "he's not completely gone from the show".
I trust my dreams, I do. Especially these because these dreams were REALLY vivid when they happened. That sort of vivid only happens in symbolic-in-a-prophetic-sense dreams which while I may get sometimes are never as frequent or close together or on the same topic as these. But I've learned that the writers on this show are an unpredictable bunch....so my dreams give me hope and a sense of peace, but there are parts of me that are still preparing for the worst case scenario, because there is always that air of unpredictability.
*sigh*And on top of it all, it really does seem like I'm the ONLY person who understands Cas the way I do. EVERYONE on Tumblr is misjudging him. Some good, some bad. The bad ones include things like how "Oh, he must really have gone darkside if he killed Balthazar and Rachel in cold blood!" or "Cas was really a dick for trying to make Dean feel guilty about the state of Sam's soul which was his own fuck up!"
First of all, NO! I've been saving this for my character analysis, but damnit, I really need to get it off my chest. Cas didn't kill Rachel and Bal in cold blood. Nor did he kill them because they refused to side with him (because there are also people who believe that). He killed them both under slightly different circumstances, but it was the same underlying reason for both of them. He killed them out of fear. Fear that they were leaving him and because he was already in a state of mental unrest due to no longer wanting to see people he cared about leave, his automatic response was to kill them. Because killing them would be a much simpler and less painful thing to watch than to watch them turn their backs on him, just like the Winchesters did. With Rachel it was more of self-defense because SHE attacked him first. And that caused the same fear in him. The idea that she disagreed with his vision so violently that she would attempt murder on him broke any measure of trust and brought forth that same fear that she was leaving--had left--him and he would rather have watched her die than watch her leave.
And second of all, Cas wasn't trying to make Dean feel guilty about anything. Until they found out that Sam actually didn't have a soul, Cas was just as clueless to that as Dean and the rest were. He hadn't intended to bring Sam back soulless, it was an ACCIDENT. And accident though it may've been, he KNEW the implications of what putting Sam's soul back in his body would do. Not just to Sam, but to Dean as well. Because FYI, Cas is always thinking of Dean, does everything for Dean. Dean is all he cares about in the world. He knew that Sam's soulless state was his fault, but he also knew (because he's an angel and angels have intimate knowledge of souls) that Sam's soul being in The Cage for a full fucking year would've left it in a horrendous state that no one could possibly repair. Not even himself. He knew what putting his soul back in his body would do to Sam, and knew that if Dean had to watch his little brother suffer like that, it would just break him. And taking a look/feeling Sam's soul when it was returned to his body by Death only confirmed what he already knew about its state. Telling all of that to Dean was NOT an attempt to guilt trip him. It was an attempt to make Dean understand that Sam was now in danger and that it was something Dean wouldn't be able to help with. He wanted Dean to understand that he had tried to protect him from something that was ultimately going to hurt him. He still hoped that Sam would be ok, remember?
dsbvsidvbdasvisbsikjv just......all of my feelings ;___;.
LET ME UPDATE/RAMBLE!
So, my new friend hitzusin and I started RPing together, cuz she was the only Dean I could find that was available all the time, lol. That's been...fun. I think she's the only person to temporarily cure my otherwise crippling anxiety with RP. <3 Obviously, I'm Cas and she's my Dean.
Started watching The Secret Circle on Thursday. It seems like a good show, I plan/intend to keep watching it.
Excited for Glee on Tuesday~
Prepared for a soul crushing experience next Friday given it's the Season 7 premiere for SPN. However, while some parts of me are still going through various bouts of optimism and pessimism, a different part of me isn't...really worried.
Because in the past week or so, I've had two SPN-related dreams, both of them oddly symbolic in hindsight and both of them left me with a sense of hope...
The first one was kind of weird cuz it had both myself and my dad in it, but the parts I remember most are the ones involving Dean and Cas (I know Sam and possibly Bobby were there as well, but all I really remember are Dean and Cas). The dream consisted of Cas splitting into three different physical versions of himself. Kind of like when Sam was trapped in his mind when the wall was breaking only...physical rather than mental...I'm not sure how to really explain what I saw. But in any case, Cas was split up into three versions: a sinisterly cold part that was more or less the one consisting of all the souls, an oddly giggly part, and the last part was a part of himself that frequently went around talking about how lonely he was. Presumably that was the real Cas.
Dean was there too, and he was also split into three parts. I have NO IDEA why, but it wasn't as chaotic as Cas' (Cas split up because he was unable to hold himself together with all those souls in him) and all three Dean's actually worked together for the common goal which was to gather up all the Cas parts and put him back together. I know one Dean was the Season 6 Dean/the real Dean cuz he wore the green jacket. The other two Deans both were two slightly different denim jackets....like the ones Dean wore early on in the series for a bit. I couldn't tell you what seasons they may've been from.
But yeah, so the common goal was finding all of Cas' pieces and somehow putting him back together. The real Dean and I (and some other people that I don't remember) had tracked down one of them to a hotel of sorts that was having some kind of convention. The part we'd tracked down was the lonely part of Cas and he had apparently crashed the convention and was on the stage area talking about his loneliness and other things that I can't really remember now, but I remember Dean and I were listening in/watching and I remarked to Dean about how I was correct about Cas (being lonely on the inside and all).
Then I woke up from that dream. It's weird though, because in hindsight the three Cas' could represent a similar internal struggle like what Sam went through. Because at the start of the dream I literally watched Cas go from whole to three different pieces of himself. It was...really, really fucking weird. Like one moment he was whole and then all of a sudden there were two other hims that just....waltzed like ghosts out of the solid Cas and then they too became solid. And then they all walked in different directions.
And though it didn't come to me at the time, I'm starting to think that the three Deans was not meant in a literal sense, but in a....metaphorical way. Specifically, I think it may've been a representation for Dean's methods or solutions when it came to Cas. Because all of them were indeed working to find Cas, but all of them had different solutions to 'fixing' him. Ranging from the early seasons of 'Shoot first, ask later' to a 'save him'. It kinda....gives the sense that Dean is going to be conflicted in what he wants to do, and early previews and spoilers have more-or-less proven this to be true.
The other dream I had, which was a few days after that dream, involved only Cas and I. I can only assume because of how deep my attachment to him is. Anyway, he was driving a truck to go somewhere for some reason and I was accompanying him on whatever it was. I was really sleepy, though, so he let me rest against his arm because all other pillow options were considerably uncomfortable. The road we were on was straightforward and I dozed pretty lightly in this dream. Then we were at a part (the road we were taking was going through a woods, oddly) where the road split into a kind of T-junction. I saw it a little too late and told him we had to go right. But because I spotted it too late and his epic driving skillz, we kinda ran over that road completely and almost hit a treeline but he managed to turn back around and went right. Except it was the right we were now facing which was our original left. So I woke up a bit from the dream doze to tell him "No, no, Cas, we have to go right!" and he looked at me confused and said "But I did go right..." and I had to explain to him how he went the wrong right and that the right we were meant to be going was in the other direction.
But he kept driving until we got to some weird looking place that I knew somehow wasn't the place we were supposed to be at and he finally registered that this was indeed the wrong way so he turned around and went the right way. Then I went back to dozing on his arm until we arrived at our proper destination which was a neighborhood I'd never been to. Again, I don't know our reasons for being there but....there was a random black family that we went to the house of and they had a nice looking house and two cats and lot of oriental cat ornaments throughout the house. I also vaguely remember that Castiel disappeared for a bit and I panicked not knowing where he was but I think he must've returned cuz the panic went away just before I woke up.
What I'm getting from hindsight reflection on that dream is mostly related to Castiel's path in the series (from Season 4 all the way through 6 and into 7). During Seasons 4 and 5, Cas had been on a relatively straightforward, if not bumpy path. His goals were always clear, because they were Dean's goals. But then stuff got complicated after Season 5. He came to a crossroads (Crowley) and made a wrong turn (deciding dealing with a demon to work together to open the door to Purgatory was a better plan than breaking the peace Dean finally had in his life). He continued down that path, even when met with comments to the contrary (Fate, Rachel, Balthazar, the Winchesters and Bobby confronting him), and he wound up in a bad place that was inexplicably wrong (taking in the souls and becoming overwhelmed by them and trapped in a mental breakdown). But upon realizing the mistake, he turned around, albeit not smoothly, and went back in the direction that he should've gone in the first place and ended up in a relatively good place. And then he disappeared (early spoilers revealed that after 7.02, Cas has not been written for anymore episodes yet), but then he came back (recent rumors are thinking that he's coming back in episode 7). And all was well (happy ending????).
I don't know about you guys, but it feels to me like my subconscious is trying to tell me that everything is going to be ok with him. Even Jared and Jensen have said that "he's not completely gone from the show".
I trust my dreams, I do. Especially these because these dreams were REALLY vivid when they happened. That sort of vivid only happens in symbolic-in-a-prophetic-sense dreams which while I may get sometimes are never as frequent or close together or on the same topic as these. But I've learned that the writers on this show are an unpredictable bunch....so my dreams give me hope and a sense of peace, but there are parts of me that are still preparing for the worst case scenario, because there is always that air of unpredictability.
*sigh*And on top of it all, it really does seem like I'm the ONLY person who understands Cas the way I do. EVERYONE on Tumblr is misjudging him. Some good, some bad. The bad ones include things like how "Oh, he must really have gone darkside if he killed Balthazar and Rachel in cold blood!" or "Cas was really a dick for trying to make Dean feel guilty about the state of Sam's soul which was his own fuck up!"
First of all, NO! I've been saving this for my character analysis, but damnit, I really need to get it off my chest. Cas didn't kill Rachel and Bal in cold blood. Nor did he kill them because they refused to side with him (because there are also people who believe that). He killed them both under slightly different circumstances, but it was the same underlying reason for both of them. He killed them out of fear. Fear that they were leaving him and because he was already in a state of mental unrest due to no longer wanting to see people he cared about leave, his automatic response was to kill them. Because killing them would be a much simpler and less painful thing to watch than to watch them turn their backs on him, just like the Winchesters did. With Rachel it was more of self-defense because SHE attacked him first. And that caused the same fear in him. The idea that she disagreed with his vision so violently that she would attempt murder on him broke any measure of trust and brought forth that same fear that she was leaving--had left--him and he would rather have watched her die than watch her leave.
And second of all, Cas wasn't trying to make Dean feel guilty about anything. Until they found out that Sam actually didn't have a soul, Cas was just as clueless to that as Dean and the rest were. He hadn't intended to bring Sam back soulless, it was an ACCIDENT. And accident though it may've been, he KNEW the implications of what putting Sam's soul back in his body would do. Not just to Sam, but to Dean as well. Because FYI, Cas is always thinking of Dean, does everything for Dean. Dean is all he cares about in the world. He knew that Sam's soulless state was his fault, but he also knew (because he's an angel and angels have intimate knowledge of souls) that Sam's soul being in The Cage for a full fucking year would've left it in a horrendous state that no one could possibly repair. Not even himself. He knew what putting his soul back in his body would do to Sam, and knew that if Dean had to watch his little brother suffer like that, it would just break him. And taking a look/feeling Sam's soul when it was returned to his body by Death only confirmed what he already knew about its state. Telling all of that to Dean was NOT an attempt to guilt trip him. It was an attempt to make Dean understand that Sam was now in danger and that it was something Dean wouldn't be able to help with. He wanted Dean to understand that he had tried to protect him from something that was ultimately going to hurt him. He still hoped that Sam would be ok, remember?
dsbvsidvbdasvisbsikjv just......all of my feelings ;___;.