(no subject)
I’m going to do something I’ve never done before; explain to you how I feel every day
Step one.
Spin around really quickly, the type of quick spinning that would make you fall over if you were going a tiny bit faster. Do this with your eyes closed. Stop abruptly and open your eyes. That first very first few seconds is how I spend the majority of my day, that light sensitivity and the few seconds it takes your eyes to re-adjust is for me all day. Now combine that feeling with being in an elevator that’s traveling downward. That’s me normally.
Step two.
Grab a medical journal (if you’re a med/science student look up ‘1337’ or ‘leet speak’ and read it) now, Understand what you’re reading, completely. While reading this try and learn a song. This accounts for the ‘fogginess’ in my head. This is why I’m slooow.
Step Three.
Quite possibly the most important step. This one is a little harder to describe but I’ll try.
You’re at a party and once again you’re the only sober one. It’s late, you’ve been there for 4hrs now and you suddenly realize that one of your friends is no where to be seen. You all came in her car and you start to fret a little because you were meant to be driving home but you would feel abd leaving her here. You start to ask around and no one’s seen her. Then it hits you, what if she wanted to go home early but couldn’t find you. You check out the front and the car is gone. Next day you get a call from her parents saying she’s in hospital. She was DD, lost control and managed to wrap herself around a pole. She’s in a coma. You feel instantly guilty, you know that you should have been taking better care. You start to think about the worst that could happen. For me, on my bad days this is how dreadful a mistake is. I beat myself up as much as if what I did was the scenario above. This is possibly because of the next step.
Step Four.
Some one is holding a speaker to your ear with the following recording
“you’re a worthless piece of shit, there’s no point you being here, you only bring those around you down. You make people clean up after your thousands of stupid mistakes. No one knows the real you, if they did you wouldn’t have anyone. You constantly lie. You’re always lying. You’re an unreliable slut. Always late, always canceling. You’re a slut, think of them all, look at what you’ve done to yourself. You’re nose is too big, that bump is hideous, every one can see it, it’s more obvious than you think. And when you smile your chin just out like roger ramjet. Just don’t smile you’re eyes go floppy too. Don’t laugh either you sound stupid! Are your thighs rubbing together? You’re getting a bit fat there. If they’re touching you’re too big. And what about all that hair, you’re like a fucking gorilla… rpt.” That is going on constantly, there’s more a lot more. I’m a hell of a lot more self conscious than people realize. My volume is to attract away from the things above. Oh yeah, play three of those recordings at once, so the wordings out and I’m hearing the same thing three times over at the same time.
Step Five
There’s a little voice at the back of your head that’s always whispering
“I just want it to stop.”
And I really do. I want to be wrapped around a pole. I want to be in some awful accident where no one can be blamed. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
Step one.
Spin around really quickly, the type of quick spinning that would make you fall over if you were going a tiny bit faster. Do this with your eyes closed. Stop abruptly and open your eyes. That first very first few seconds is how I spend the majority of my day, that light sensitivity and the few seconds it takes your eyes to re-adjust is for me all day. Now combine that feeling with being in an elevator that’s traveling downward. That’s me normally.
Step two.
Grab a medical journal (if you’re a med/science student look up ‘1337’ or ‘leet speak’ and read it) now, Understand what you’re reading, completely. While reading this try and learn a song. This accounts for the ‘fogginess’ in my head. This is why I’m slooow.
Step Three.
Quite possibly the most important step. This one is a little harder to describe but I’ll try.
You’re at a party and once again you’re the only sober one. It’s late, you’ve been there for 4hrs now and you suddenly realize that one of your friends is no where to be seen. You all came in her car and you start to fret a little because you were meant to be driving home but you would feel abd leaving her here. You start to ask around and no one’s seen her. Then it hits you, what if she wanted to go home early but couldn’t find you. You check out the front and the car is gone. Next day you get a call from her parents saying she’s in hospital. She was DD, lost control and managed to wrap herself around a pole. She’s in a coma. You feel instantly guilty, you know that you should have been taking better care. You start to think about the worst that could happen. For me, on my bad days this is how dreadful a mistake is. I beat myself up as much as if what I did was the scenario above. This is possibly because of the next step.
Step Four.
Some one is holding a speaker to your ear with the following recording
“you’re a worthless piece of shit, there’s no point you being here, you only bring those around you down. You make people clean up after your thousands of stupid mistakes. No one knows the real you, if they did you wouldn’t have anyone. You constantly lie. You’re always lying. You’re an unreliable slut. Always late, always canceling. You’re a slut, think of them all, look at what you’ve done to yourself. You’re nose is too big, that bump is hideous, every one can see it, it’s more obvious than you think. And when you smile your chin just out like roger ramjet. Just don’t smile you’re eyes go floppy too. Don’t laugh either you sound stupid! Are your thighs rubbing together? You’re getting a bit fat there. If they’re touching you’re too big. And what about all that hair, you’re like a fucking gorilla… rpt.” That is going on constantly, there’s more a lot more. I’m a hell of a lot more self conscious than people realize. My volume is to attract away from the things above. Oh yeah, play three of those recordings at once, so the wordings out and I’m hearing the same thing three times over at the same time.
Step Five
There’s a little voice at the back of your head that’s always whispering
“I just want it to stop.”
And I really do. I want to be wrapped around a pole. I want to be in some awful accident where no one can be blamed. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.