It's that time of term
--I both love and hate this time of the term. There's all those finals left to do, but most of them are finished and you feel like you have a little more room to breathe. But then there's everything else that you have to do before the end of the term, but you know it will all get done somehow. I also enjoy the pre-moving purges that happen. There's something cleansing about getting rid of everything and it also forced me to rid myself of left over momentos from unhealthy relationships that I don't really need. Not to say I don't keep anything from these, but they're usually items that I actually use or have a purpose for rather than cards and pictures, although I keep pictures just as a document of where I've been. Pretty soon it'll get to the point where I won't be doing this as often. I'll be collecting the garbage and the silt at the bottom of my heart again.
--I barely have anything left from Tim anymore. In some ways that kind of makes me sad because if I was still with him we would probably be making plans to move in together. While this obviously wouldn't have been a good thing for me, when I look at where my life is currently headed and see that there's no real anchor, the thought having someone there for me is comforting. Unfortunately I won't really have that. Granted I could go to school in South Carolina and lived with my mother, in Oklahoma and lived with my grandfather and brother or my father, or some other relative. But it's really not what I want. I want to go somewhere because I'm there, and not because someone else is.
--Which is why I can't go to Minnesota, even if that's where he winds up. Even if I want to go. Because I've given up parts of myself to someone before who left me out in the cold and all alone, and he left me long before I left him, despite the fact I spent a few brief hours with someone else while I was supposed to be with him. I want it all, but I'll never have it all. I may just have to resolve being alone and try to be happy with that rather than focusing on what I've never really earned.
--I barely have anything left from Tim anymore. In some ways that kind of makes me sad because if I was still with him we would probably be making plans to move in together. While this obviously wouldn't have been a good thing for me, when I look at where my life is currently headed and see that there's no real anchor, the thought having someone there for me is comforting. Unfortunately I won't really have that. Granted I could go to school in South Carolina and lived with my mother, in Oklahoma and lived with my grandfather and brother or my father, or some other relative. But it's really not what I want. I want to go somewhere because I'm there, and not because someone else is.
--Which is why I can't go to Minnesota, even if that's where he winds up. Even if I want to go. Because I've given up parts of myself to someone before who left me out in the cold and all alone, and he left me long before I left him, despite the fact I spent a few brief hours with someone else while I was supposed to be with him. I want it all, but I'll never have it all. I may just have to resolve being alone and try to be happy with that rather than focusing on what I've never really earned.