Still being a Cruel Bitch
--I keep hitting the Random button to the left to read people's journals. All this fucking patriotic bullshit. I don't get it. Everyone is happy to tell you how much this country fucking sucks when things are great and happy, but once someone crashes a goddamn plane into the Twin Towers they put on this happy-go-lucky, patriotic, everything'll-be-fine facade. Okay, great, you got people to wear red, white, and blue to school one day and you thnk you've done something, you donated blood or whatever. Well no, I'm not going to knock giving blood. But the thing is, everyone's giving blood now that people need it NOW. Blood keeps for an amazingly long time and it seems like no one thought to give any before all this shit happened. Yeah, great, you love your country now when it needs you. Don't push your bullshit on me. I considered myself to be patriotic but then this happened, and I realized I have very little faith in America and in the human race in general. I don't know why. Does that make me a bad person, a bad American, do I care? I'm not normal. I was raised by the government. My mother's first husband was my father but her favorite was Uncle Sam. I'll never forget when she left to go take care of casualties in Desert Storm. Maybe I'm just scared and putting this all on. Yeah, maybe that's it. But this whole on-and-off patriotism doesn't help either. I know throughout history it's been the same, when the war is over patriotism fades, and when another war springs up it returns. Why should it be like that? Why don't people know the star-spangled banner and the pledge of allegiance. Why don't people respect freedom of religion, the one principle that this country was founded on. Why aren't all people created equal under common respect instead of god? Why do I have all these useless and mean questions that make people hate me and just make me angry at what people are instead of what they aren't. I'll never go home. I don't have one. America's not the land of the free and the brave, it's a death trap and Mississippi is the final stage of that trap with Ocean Springs being the final medium. I'm dying here. I'm dying. You don't even care. Because I don't love my country, I don't love my homeland, I don't love the people around me, I don't love my brother or my father and sometimes I don't even love my mother. But remember this, I also don't love myself. So even if I do live through this and I keep on going, I'll still be dead. Even worse, I'll be dead and in pain. I bet you don't know what that's like. I've wanted to kill myself for a long time, 5 years now I think. I'm only 16 you know. Sure, it went away for awhile, but things like that never disappear forever. Once you start thinking about death you don't stop. Everyone thinks about it, some just don't think about it until shit around them gets blown to hell. They find a grey hair or a wrinkle, or a plane crashes into a building or a car bomb goes off in Oklahoma. I've lived with death all my life, carried it around in my head, whether it was for me or other people. I'm not sad anymore, it's past that. I just know that things will never be easy. Honestly, I envy the people who aren't smart enough to have figured that out yet, but I don't really mean that. My life may not be as carefree (or pointless and empty) as everyone else's, and I may hate it, but I know I have to do something to get through it. People who call suicide the coward's way out don't know anything, because those are the people who have never been in that type of pain or isolation. Maybe they'll all see one day.