[Loveless] The Butterfly Mansion Chapter 9
Previous chapters can be found here.
Chapter title: Second Chance
Pairing: SoubixRitsuka
Rating: R for very brief description of sexual act
Story Summary: Soubi believed his heart was completely frozen, incapable of love, unwilling to love. But Fate was about to prove him wrong.
Chapter summary: As Ritsuka still couldn't get over Seimei, there's nothing Soubi could do but wait.
A/N: Taking a quick break from writing thesis. I hope you like this.
Disclaimer: Kouga Yun owns the characters and original Loveless story.
Second Chance
Soubi watched Ritsuka sleep. He watched the rise and fall of the boy’s chest, the innocence on his face, the vulnerability of his pose. He saw a child; beautiful, innocent, child. A child not burdened by the darkness of adults’ heart. He saw relief, escape. He saw his own entrapment, his cage.
Soubi approached the bed. He caressed the body tangled in white sheets. He smiled when slight frown marred the child’s face. Before Ritsuka could wake up, he retracted his hand. No, he didn’t want to spoil this. He wanted this to last just a little longer. He wanted to see Ritsuka dream. He wanted to see Ritsuka dream that everything was all right. And maybe everything would be all right.
So Soubi went back to his seat near the door to watch Ritsuka. He tried not to think, tried not to count the passing seconds. He didn’t want to think that this Ritsuka was slipping away from him. He wanted to believe this moment would be for eternity.
But sadly nothing lasted forever. Soubi watched mournfully as Ritsuka slowly woke up, limbs slightly stretching to ease tense muscles. The boy blinked, still partially unaware of the world he had woken up to. When he turned to face the empty space in the bed, Soubi wasn’t sure what he expected to see. Whatever it was, he knew it stole away any happiness and hope left in Ritsuka’s eyes.
Soubi swallowed. The more he watched this scene, the more painful it was to him. What could he do to ease Ritsuka’s pain? What could he do to make the boy happy again? What could he do to bring Ritsuka to him? What could he do to make Ritsuka love him?
Nothing. The answer was nothing. He had broken Ritsuka and now he couldn’t even pick up the pieces.
“Good morning, Ritsuka.” Soubi greeted quietly, with a deceiving smile. Did the boy buy it? He had seen Soubi’s soul. He had been offered to have it. Yet, he never took it.
Ritsuka blinked, surprised. But other than that he showed no other reaction. He looked at Soubi, eyes penetrating the dim light. “Good morning.” He replied quietly.
“Are you hungry yet?” Soubi said, standing up to open the windows. He narrowed his eyes to block the sudden assault of brilliant sunlight. The fresh morning air helped to ease his suffocation but didn’t alleviate it completely. His body and mind threatened to give up, put an end to his suffering. Still, he needed to keep lying to Ritsuka. “Should I make you something to eat?”
“Yes.” Ritsuka said, his voice as distant as his eyes.
Soubi felt tightening in his heart. A part of him wanted to rush to Ritsuka and shook the boy to awareness that Soubi had helped escape the devil’s claws. Another wanted to take the boy again and again and again to ensure that this wasn’t a figment of cruel imagination, that Ritsuka was here with him. An angrier part of him cried in betrayal and disappointment, demanding the love it felt it deserved. Soubi held back, taking a moment to calm himself before sitting next to Ritsuka.
The boy closed his eyes, unresponsive as Soubi pressed their lips together. He let Soubi explored his mouth with his tongue. He let Soubi caressed his hair, his body with gentle hands. But he didn’t let Soubi see his heart.
“I love you, Ritsuka. I love you.”
And still the boy didn’t reply.
*
The house Ritsu provided was a reminiscent of the mansion where Soubi first met Ritsuka. The sterile whiteness of the house was the furthest thing from homely. Something about the house felt dead. The feeling was strengthened by the choice of decorations around the house. Soubi despised the pinned preserved butterflies, the beautiful wings still in death. Hopeless. Powerless. They could only succumb to the fate they had been forced into.
And yet the moment they stepped outside the house they were assaulted by liveliness. A natural fortress protected them from the rest of the world. Plants hid the wall that bordered their temporary sanctuary, colorful flowers distracted them from the fact that they were jailed, the sounds of animals gave the false impression of serenity. Beyond the walls were mountains and forest, and who knew whatever else Ritsu had used to make sure they’d stay.
Soubi was wary, unsure of the decision he had made. Had he helped Ritsuka out of a terrible fate or had he dragged the boy into something worse? He wanted to know why Ritsu bothered to offer help but the house was disconnected from the rest of the world. Cell phones couldn’t be used here and there was no TV or any other mean to find out what was going on outside. Or at least that’s what Ritsuka believed. Soubi didn’t think Ritsu would trust anyone enough to leave his business in the hands of his subordinates so he searched for any mean of communication. He discovered a hidden phone line in the study that he used to contact Kio. After hearing the explanation about Soubi’s current situation, Kio agreed to let Soubi know any news regarding Ritsu and Seimei.
“You’ve gotten yourself involved in very dangerous situation here, Sou-chan.” Kio warned with a serious tone he rarely adopted. “Ritsu and Aoyagi are not the kind of people you want to mess around with.”
Soubi knew that very well. He had been involved with few dangerous people in the past as many of his clients had some standing in the society. Displeasing one of these clients meant risking his future as a member of the oblivious society; death was rarely an issue. Aoyagi Seimei was a different threat, though. Seimei was unpredictable with his ways to get rid of those who stood in his way. Soubi knew that Ritsuka’s disappearance might trigger him to take drastic measures, extreme violence wasn’t beyond him as Soubi knew all too well.
That’s one of the reasons why he hid the existence of the phone line from Ritsuka. He didn’t want the boy to go through more shock from knowing the destructive nature of his brother’s obsession with him. Soubi didn’t think Ritsuka could handle more knowledge about this side of Seimei. Oblivion might be mercy in this case.
Here, in the middle of nowhere, every day was eternity. Even Soubi grew tired of counting the passing days. The anxiety wouldn’t go away, though. When would the worst finally come? Would they be notified when it came? Would they be allowed to leave if it never happened? What were they waiting for? What he brought Ritsuka to?
Watching Ritsuka reading in the garden made Soubi almost forgot his worry. The boy looked so calm, so unconcerned of what was happening around him. The thick book in front of him captured all of his attention, easily distracting him from the rest of the world.
Soubi wouldn’t dare to assume that the boy had forgotten about Seimei. He knew that Seimei’s influence still lingered even though he was so far away. Would he ever break the chains that bind Ritsuka to Seimei? They were bound by blood and a past Soubi had no place in. He was just an intruder, a thief who stole Ritsuka away. He might have the boy but did Ritsuka really belong to him?
Ritsuka looked at him questioningly when Soubi sat next to him on the grass. The boy’s mauve eyes were void of warmth and affection when Soubi stroke his hair. There was a wall there, something Soubi once could almost see through. Ritsuka carefully hid himself, not wanting to show Soubi what he felt and thought. Why? Did he hate Soubi for what he did?
“I love you, Ritsuka.” He whispered.
There was nothing, no reaction. Soubi saw his reflection in Ritsuka’s eyes, but he didn’t see anything else there. He caressed Ritsuka’s skin, warmed by the kind sun, and still there was nothing. Desperate, he pushed the boy to the ground, covering him in gentle kisses. A flush spread on the fair skin; a physical reaction occurred at the very least. But when Soubi looked into Ritsuka’s eyes, he saw only distance.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” He chanted as he claimed Ritsuka under the clear blue sky. He didn’t have to look to see Ritsuka wasn’t looking at him. Distant. Unreachable. What should he do to make Ritsuka love him back?
*
Soubi buried his face in Ritsuka’s chest, inhaling the boy’s scent, listening to his steady heartbeat, suffering under his indifference. He closed his eyes, feeling so tired after all his attempts to prove his love and gained Ritsuka’s heart. He did have the boy in his arms now. He did have the boy for himself now. But it wasn’t enough. It just wasn’t enough. Was it greedy to want Ritsuka’s heart?
Soubi’s love for Ritsuka was intense and definite. His fear for the powerful emotion lost in the face of his need to belong to Ritsuka. And he knew, he knew for sure that his everything was no longer his. He had dedicated his life, his mind, his heart to Ritsuka. And yet it didn’t seem to matter. It didn’t seem to be enough. What else should he do? What did Ritsuka want from him now?
When soft fingers traced his scars, Soubi started. It’s the first time Ritsuka showed any interest in him since forever. Soubi fought to stay still, not wanting to embarrass or scare Ritsuka. He let the boy run his fingers over the scar tissues slowly, reading and rereading the message Seimei left in Soubi’s chest.
“Did he really do this?” He asked quietly.
Soubi swallowed the pain that rose. Did Ritsuka still not trust him after all this time, after everything he had done for him? “Yes.” He answered.
Ritsuka was silent for a very long time, just touching Soubi’s scar. Soubi didn’t know what to think about or what to feel. He had long since given up trying to understand Ritsuka. Now that Seimei’s motive was revealed, the boy was more withdrawn than ever. What if Ritsuka contemplated on leaving him? What would he do? Should he stop him or should he respect his wishes? Soubi knew he couldn’t live knowing Ritsuka chose to be with the demon. He couldn’t live knowing Ritsuka being with anyone else but him. But at the same time, he knew he couldn’t say no to Ritsuka. He wanted the best for Ritsuka. He’d give anything Ritsuka deemed the best thing for himself. Soubi had heard love could be painful but didn’t he have the right to be happy, too?
“I love him.”
Soubi shut his eye tightly. He felt his body grew cold from pain as his heart broke into pieces. He felt tears rose to his eyes and his throat clenched to disallow breath. Ritsuka loved Seimei.
“You do?” Soubi whispered. His body trembled. He couldn’t decide whether to hold Ritsuka closer or to move away. He felt Ritsuka slipping away from him. Was there still a chance for Soubi? Should he take a chance? Was there any space in Ritsuka’s life for Soubi?
“You said he loves me. Is that true?”
How much did Ritsuka intend to hurt him? Unable to take it anymore, Soubi pulled away. He sat at the edge of the bed, his hair hiding his expression. Ritsuka didn’t move at all, as if he was unaffected by Soubi’s obvious pain.
“It is.”
“He loves me.” Ritsuka said quietly. “He loves me.”
Fighting off tears was even more difficult now. Soubi clenched his hands into fists, hoping the physical pain would distract him from psychological one. But it was no use. The pain stabbed deep into him. Abandoned, hopeless, powerless. Was he so undeserving of love?
“What are you going to do now?”
Ritsuka’s silence seemed to stretch forever. By every second Soubi felt his heart break a little more. Was this how everything’s going to end? Was this how Ritsuka’s going to leave him?
“Do you love me?” Ritsuka asked unexpectedly.
Soubi smiled bitterly. How many times should he tell Ritsuka before the boy finally believed him? “I do. I love you, Ritsuka.”
“Even though I love my own brother?”
Soubi had experienced many painful things in his life but none came close to this. He hadn’t thought it was possible to feel this much pain and survive. He had sealed his heart away, protecting it from any threat of pain. But now that he had opened his heart for Ritsuka, he realized just how fragile human’s feeling was. He had thought it was an exaggeration, but was it possible to die of a broken heart after all? “I love you, Ritsuka.”
Another painful silence wrapped around them. Soubi was scared; scared of losing control, scared of more pain, scared of the part of him that still loved Ritsuka regardless. Should he wish for a swift end to this hopeless affair or should he hope for merciful delay? Hope could be such a dangerous thing. Soubi hadn’t counted on love to torture him to his death.
“I never get to know my father. He was always busy, too busy to spend time with us. When he died, I didn’t know what to mourn for.” Ritsuka started with a small voice. “My mother is… she is… not too fond of me. She never cares about me, never loves at all. She loves Seimei, though. She loves him very much.” There Ritsuka stopped as if to gather strength.
Soubi could hear soft rustling behind him as Ritsuka shifted around. He didn’t dare to look back, afraid of what he’d see. He listened carefully for this was the first time Ritsuka told him about his life. All this time Soubi had only heard about it from others, people who claimed to know Ritsuka, but the boy remained a mystery. Still, he dared not hope that this was a sign that Ritsuka was giving a chance. He didn’t think he could handle more disappointment, more pain.
“Everybody loves him. He is good-looking, smart, friendly, perfect in everyone’s eyes. And to me… to me he is the most important person in my life. He’s always been there for me. He’s the only one who cares. He takes care of me. He loves me.”
“And you love him.”
“I didn’t know anything outside the walls of my house. I was locked there. My own mother despises me. The maids are too scared to defend me. In that situation Seimei was everything to me, my world, my key to freedom, my only connection to the outside world, my only source of love.” Ritsuka stopped. When he continued again, his voice cracked under the pressure of intense emotion. “But hurting people I care about in my life isn’t love. That’s not love he feels for me. That isn’t like Seimei but that’s Seimei. You said so. Nisei said so. That’s the real Seimei. That’s Seimei that I don’t know. Soubi, does the Seimei I know exists at all?”
Unable to stop himself, Soubi turned to see Ritsuka. The boy was sitting up, knees pulled close to his chest as he looked at the blond forlornly. Soubi spread his arms a little as an invitation though he wasn’t certain he was capable of providing comfort. Ritsuka didn’t seem to care, though, as he climbed onto Soubi’s lap, wrapped his arms around Soubi’s neck, and buried his face there. Soubi sensed no tears, just hopelessness and confusion and fear. He embraced Ritsuka, ready to take Ritsuka’s pain and sorrow if asked to.
“Does the Seimei I love exist at all?” Ritsuka whispered.
“I don’t know, Ritsuka. I don’t know.”
But they knew Soubi knew. They knew the answer perfectly well. They knew the Seimei Ritsuka loved was a mere illusion. That perfect person never existed. It was merely a disguise of a demon, cruel and violent demon who wanted nothing more but complete possession of Ritsuka. Then what of Ritsuka’s love for Seimei? Was it also unreal because the object of that affection isn’t real? It had certainly felt real enough. Soubi could feel it, Ritsuka had believed it. Was that love just another illusion that would shatter?
When Ritsuka kissed him, Soubi knew what it meant. He loved Ritsuka sweetly that night, succumbing to anything the boy wanted. When tears slipped from the corners of Ritsuka’s eyes, he kissed them away. The understanding was mutual; there was no point in ruminating on the past, the only thing that matter was the future. Soubi held Ritsuka’s hand in his, as they made the first tiny step toward a new life, a life away from nightmares of man’s desire.
“I love you, Ritsuka.” Soubi whispered through heated kiss, soulful eyes boring into Ritsuka’s.
And this time, for the first time, Ritsuka smiled when he heard that.
TBC
A/N: I just realized that Loveless is on hiatus. Wah! I still need some info from the series! Anyway, R&R, please.
Chapter title: Second Chance
Pairing: SoubixRitsuka
Rating: R for very brief description of sexual act
Story Summary: Soubi believed his heart was completely frozen, incapable of love, unwilling to love. But Fate was about to prove him wrong.
Chapter summary: As Ritsuka still couldn't get over Seimei, there's nothing Soubi could do but wait.
A/N: Taking a quick break from writing thesis. I hope you like this.
Disclaimer: Kouga Yun owns the characters and original Loveless story.
Second Chance
Soubi watched Ritsuka sleep. He watched the rise and fall of the boy’s chest, the innocence on his face, the vulnerability of his pose. He saw a child; beautiful, innocent, child. A child not burdened by the darkness of adults’ heart. He saw relief, escape. He saw his own entrapment, his cage.
Soubi approached the bed. He caressed the body tangled in white sheets. He smiled when slight frown marred the child’s face. Before Ritsuka could wake up, he retracted his hand. No, he didn’t want to spoil this. He wanted this to last just a little longer. He wanted to see Ritsuka dream. He wanted to see Ritsuka dream that everything was all right. And maybe everything would be all right.
So Soubi went back to his seat near the door to watch Ritsuka. He tried not to think, tried not to count the passing seconds. He didn’t want to think that this Ritsuka was slipping away from him. He wanted to believe this moment would be for eternity.
But sadly nothing lasted forever. Soubi watched mournfully as Ritsuka slowly woke up, limbs slightly stretching to ease tense muscles. The boy blinked, still partially unaware of the world he had woken up to. When he turned to face the empty space in the bed, Soubi wasn’t sure what he expected to see. Whatever it was, he knew it stole away any happiness and hope left in Ritsuka’s eyes.
Soubi swallowed. The more he watched this scene, the more painful it was to him. What could he do to ease Ritsuka’s pain? What could he do to make the boy happy again? What could he do to bring Ritsuka to him? What could he do to make Ritsuka love him?
Nothing. The answer was nothing. He had broken Ritsuka and now he couldn’t even pick up the pieces.
“Good morning, Ritsuka.” Soubi greeted quietly, with a deceiving smile. Did the boy buy it? He had seen Soubi’s soul. He had been offered to have it. Yet, he never took it.
Ritsuka blinked, surprised. But other than that he showed no other reaction. He looked at Soubi, eyes penetrating the dim light. “Good morning.” He replied quietly.
“Are you hungry yet?” Soubi said, standing up to open the windows. He narrowed his eyes to block the sudden assault of brilliant sunlight. The fresh morning air helped to ease his suffocation but didn’t alleviate it completely. His body and mind threatened to give up, put an end to his suffering. Still, he needed to keep lying to Ritsuka. “Should I make you something to eat?”
“Yes.” Ritsuka said, his voice as distant as his eyes.
Soubi felt tightening in his heart. A part of him wanted to rush to Ritsuka and shook the boy to awareness that Soubi had helped escape the devil’s claws. Another wanted to take the boy again and again and again to ensure that this wasn’t a figment of cruel imagination, that Ritsuka was here with him. An angrier part of him cried in betrayal and disappointment, demanding the love it felt it deserved. Soubi held back, taking a moment to calm himself before sitting next to Ritsuka.
The boy closed his eyes, unresponsive as Soubi pressed their lips together. He let Soubi explored his mouth with his tongue. He let Soubi caressed his hair, his body with gentle hands. But he didn’t let Soubi see his heart.
“I love you, Ritsuka. I love you.”
And still the boy didn’t reply.
*
The house Ritsu provided was a reminiscent of the mansion where Soubi first met Ritsuka. The sterile whiteness of the house was the furthest thing from homely. Something about the house felt dead. The feeling was strengthened by the choice of decorations around the house. Soubi despised the pinned preserved butterflies, the beautiful wings still in death. Hopeless. Powerless. They could only succumb to the fate they had been forced into.
And yet the moment they stepped outside the house they were assaulted by liveliness. A natural fortress protected them from the rest of the world. Plants hid the wall that bordered their temporary sanctuary, colorful flowers distracted them from the fact that they were jailed, the sounds of animals gave the false impression of serenity. Beyond the walls were mountains and forest, and who knew whatever else Ritsu had used to make sure they’d stay.
Soubi was wary, unsure of the decision he had made. Had he helped Ritsuka out of a terrible fate or had he dragged the boy into something worse? He wanted to know why Ritsu bothered to offer help but the house was disconnected from the rest of the world. Cell phones couldn’t be used here and there was no TV or any other mean to find out what was going on outside. Or at least that’s what Ritsuka believed. Soubi didn’t think Ritsu would trust anyone enough to leave his business in the hands of his subordinates so he searched for any mean of communication. He discovered a hidden phone line in the study that he used to contact Kio. After hearing the explanation about Soubi’s current situation, Kio agreed to let Soubi know any news regarding Ritsu and Seimei.
“You’ve gotten yourself involved in very dangerous situation here, Sou-chan.” Kio warned with a serious tone he rarely adopted. “Ritsu and Aoyagi are not the kind of people you want to mess around with.”
Soubi knew that very well. He had been involved with few dangerous people in the past as many of his clients had some standing in the society. Displeasing one of these clients meant risking his future as a member of the oblivious society; death was rarely an issue. Aoyagi Seimei was a different threat, though. Seimei was unpredictable with his ways to get rid of those who stood in his way. Soubi knew that Ritsuka’s disappearance might trigger him to take drastic measures, extreme violence wasn’t beyond him as Soubi knew all too well.
That’s one of the reasons why he hid the existence of the phone line from Ritsuka. He didn’t want the boy to go through more shock from knowing the destructive nature of his brother’s obsession with him. Soubi didn’t think Ritsuka could handle more knowledge about this side of Seimei. Oblivion might be mercy in this case.
Here, in the middle of nowhere, every day was eternity. Even Soubi grew tired of counting the passing days. The anxiety wouldn’t go away, though. When would the worst finally come? Would they be notified when it came? Would they be allowed to leave if it never happened? What were they waiting for? What he brought Ritsuka to?
Watching Ritsuka reading in the garden made Soubi almost forgot his worry. The boy looked so calm, so unconcerned of what was happening around him. The thick book in front of him captured all of his attention, easily distracting him from the rest of the world.
Soubi wouldn’t dare to assume that the boy had forgotten about Seimei. He knew that Seimei’s influence still lingered even though he was so far away. Would he ever break the chains that bind Ritsuka to Seimei? They were bound by blood and a past Soubi had no place in. He was just an intruder, a thief who stole Ritsuka away. He might have the boy but did Ritsuka really belong to him?
Ritsuka looked at him questioningly when Soubi sat next to him on the grass. The boy’s mauve eyes were void of warmth and affection when Soubi stroke his hair. There was a wall there, something Soubi once could almost see through. Ritsuka carefully hid himself, not wanting to show Soubi what he felt and thought. Why? Did he hate Soubi for what he did?
“I love you, Ritsuka.” He whispered.
There was nothing, no reaction. Soubi saw his reflection in Ritsuka’s eyes, but he didn’t see anything else there. He caressed Ritsuka’s skin, warmed by the kind sun, and still there was nothing. Desperate, he pushed the boy to the ground, covering him in gentle kisses. A flush spread on the fair skin; a physical reaction occurred at the very least. But when Soubi looked into Ritsuka’s eyes, he saw only distance.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” He chanted as he claimed Ritsuka under the clear blue sky. He didn’t have to look to see Ritsuka wasn’t looking at him. Distant. Unreachable. What should he do to make Ritsuka love him back?
*
Soubi buried his face in Ritsuka’s chest, inhaling the boy’s scent, listening to his steady heartbeat, suffering under his indifference. He closed his eyes, feeling so tired after all his attempts to prove his love and gained Ritsuka’s heart. He did have the boy in his arms now. He did have the boy for himself now. But it wasn’t enough. It just wasn’t enough. Was it greedy to want Ritsuka’s heart?
Soubi’s love for Ritsuka was intense and definite. His fear for the powerful emotion lost in the face of his need to belong to Ritsuka. And he knew, he knew for sure that his everything was no longer his. He had dedicated his life, his mind, his heart to Ritsuka. And yet it didn’t seem to matter. It didn’t seem to be enough. What else should he do? What did Ritsuka want from him now?
When soft fingers traced his scars, Soubi started. It’s the first time Ritsuka showed any interest in him since forever. Soubi fought to stay still, not wanting to embarrass or scare Ritsuka. He let the boy run his fingers over the scar tissues slowly, reading and rereading the message Seimei left in Soubi’s chest.
“Did he really do this?” He asked quietly.
Soubi swallowed the pain that rose. Did Ritsuka still not trust him after all this time, after everything he had done for him? “Yes.” He answered.
Ritsuka was silent for a very long time, just touching Soubi’s scar. Soubi didn’t know what to think about or what to feel. He had long since given up trying to understand Ritsuka. Now that Seimei’s motive was revealed, the boy was more withdrawn than ever. What if Ritsuka contemplated on leaving him? What would he do? Should he stop him or should he respect his wishes? Soubi knew he couldn’t live knowing Ritsuka chose to be with the demon. He couldn’t live knowing Ritsuka being with anyone else but him. But at the same time, he knew he couldn’t say no to Ritsuka. He wanted the best for Ritsuka. He’d give anything Ritsuka deemed the best thing for himself. Soubi had heard love could be painful but didn’t he have the right to be happy, too?
“I love him.”
Soubi shut his eye tightly. He felt his body grew cold from pain as his heart broke into pieces. He felt tears rose to his eyes and his throat clenched to disallow breath. Ritsuka loved Seimei.
“You do?” Soubi whispered. His body trembled. He couldn’t decide whether to hold Ritsuka closer or to move away. He felt Ritsuka slipping away from him. Was there still a chance for Soubi? Should he take a chance? Was there any space in Ritsuka’s life for Soubi?
“You said he loves me. Is that true?”
How much did Ritsuka intend to hurt him? Unable to take it anymore, Soubi pulled away. He sat at the edge of the bed, his hair hiding his expression. Ritsuka didn’t move at all, as if he was unaffected by Soubi’s obvious pain.
“It is.”
“He loves me.” Ritsuka said quietly. “He loves me.”
Fighting off tears was even more difficult now. Soubi clenched his hands into fists, hoping the physical pain would distract him from psychological one. But it was no use. The pain stabbed deep into him. Abandoned, hopeless, powerless. Was he so undeserving of love?
“What are you going to do now?”
Ritsuka’s silence seemed to stretch forever. By every second Soubi felt his heart break a little more. Was this how everything’s going to end? Was this how Ritsuka’s going to leave him?
“Do you love me?” Ritsuka asked unexpectedly.
Soubi smiled bitterly. How many times should he tell Ritsuka before the boy finally believed him? “I do. I love you, Ritsuka.”
“Even though I love my own brother?”
Soubi had experienced many painful things in his life but none came close to this. He hadn’t thought it was possible to feel this much pain and survive. He had sealed his heart away, protecting it from any threat of pain. But now that he had opened his heart for Ritsuka, he realized just how fragile human’s feeling was. He had thought it was an exaggeration, but was it possible to die of a broken heart after all? “I love you, Ritsuka.”
Another painful silence wrapped around them. Soubi was scared; scared of losing control, scared of more pain, scared of the part of him that still loved Ritsuka regardless. Should he wish for a swift end to this hopeless affair or should he hope for merciful delay? Hope could be such a dangerous thing. Soubi hadn’t counted on love to torture him to his death.
“I never get to know my father. He was always busy, too busy to spend time with us. When he died, I didn’t know what to mourn for.” Ritsuka started with a small voice. “My mother is… she is… not too fond of me. She never cares about me, never loves at all. She loves Seimei, though. She loves him very much.” There Ritsuka stopped as if to gather strength.
Soubi could hear soft rustling behind him as Ritsuka shifted around. He didn’t dare to look back, afraid of what he’d see. He listened carefully for this was the first time Ritsuka told him about his life. All this time Soubi had only heard about it from others, people who claimed to know Ritsuka, but the boy remained a mystery. Still, he dared not hope that this was a sign that Ritsuka was giving a chance. He didn’t think he could handle more disappointment, more pain.
“Everybody loves him. He is good-looking, smart, friendly, perfect in everyone’s eyes. And to me… to me he is the most important person in my life. He’s always been there for me. He’s the only one who cares. He takes care of me. He loves me.”
“And you love him.”
“I didn’t know anything outside the walls of my house. I was locked there. My own mother despises me. The maids are too scared to defend me. In that situation Seimei was everything to me, my world, my key to freedom, my only connection to the outside world, my only source of love.” Ritsuka stopped. When he continued again, his voice cracked under the pressure of intense emotion. “But hurting people I care about in my life isn’t love. That’s not love he feels for me. That isn’t like Seimei but that’s Seimei. You said so. Nisei said so. That’s the real Seimei. That’s Seimei that I don’t know. Soubi, does the Seimei I know exists at all?”
Unable to stop himself, Soubi turned to see Ritsuka. The boy was sitting up, knees pulled close to his chest as he looked at the blond forlornly. Soubi spread his arms a little as an invitation though he wasn’t certain he was capable of providing comfort. Ritsuka didn’t seem to care, though, as he climbed onto Soubi’s lap, wrapped his arms around Soubi’s neck, and buried his face there. Soubi sensed no tears, just hopelessness and confusion and fear. He embraced Ritsuka, ready to take Ritsuka’s pain and sorrow if asked to.
“Does the Seimei I love exist at all?” Ritsuka whispered.
“I don’t know, Ritsuka. I don’t know.”
But they knew Soubi knew. They knew the answer perfectly well. They knew the Seimei Ritsuka loved was a mere illusion. That perfect person never existed. It was merely a disguise of a demon, cruel and violent demon who wanted nothing more but complete possession of Ritsuka. Then what of Ritsuka’s love for Seimei? Was it also unreal because the object of that affection isn’t real? It had certainly felt real enough. Soubi could feel it, Ritsuka had believed it. Was that love just another illusion that would shatter?
When Ritsuka kissed him, Soubi knew what it meant. He loved Ritsuka sweetly that night, succumbing to anything the boy wanted. When tears slipped from the corners of Ritsuka’s eyes, he kissed them away. The understanding was mutual; there was no point in ruminating on the past, the only thing that matter was the future. Soubi held Ritsuka’s hand in his, as they made the first tiny step toward a new life, a life away from nightmares of man’s desire.
“I love you, Ritsuka.” Soubi whispered through heated kiss, soulful eyes boring into Ritsuka’s.
And this time, for the first time, Ritsuka smiled when he heard that.
TBC
A/N: I just realized that Loveless is on hiatus. Wah! I still need some info from the series! Anyway, R&R, please.