(no subject)
Well it couldn't last forever, i was having an awesome set of weeks which started at the end of August and went to last weekend, then i've had 3 random depressed days since aswell as shit no longer going my way... oh well cest la vis its not like i can change that. but it did get me thingking and don't get me wrong thats usually a good thing, except wth me. I've spent the last like hour trying to put my poems together in to one file, including order of them at the top (its harder to name them then it is to write them, i've only moved 47 of them sofar and i already found 2 identical names). but there is a reason i'm doing this, first off is to see just how many pages of poems i have written (after 47 i'm at 19 pages o.O damn i write short poems. One thing i've learned is i don't have the patients to do this task that i set for myself, meaning i'm ready to stop. but i refuse to just stop because i think its time to make a big change inmyself, its time to destroy parts of myself that have been there since i was a little kid. no i don't mean harming myself, i mean getting rid of my procrastination, that will be hard, getting rid of my shy ness, that has been improving but i mean completely. then there is my self confidence.. getting that up so that i am no where near as nervouse (may need help with that somehow)..
damnit, dinner made me los emy train of thought... oh yes, i dunno maybe i just need to figure out who i am and become who i am supposed to be rather than changing myslf but like i say i'm tired of getting hurt and if i can change how i am maybe it will hurt less in the end, i mean right now i'm way too conected to my emotions, maybe i can change that and become more distant... no i don't want that then how would i write my poetry.. grr. i dunno i guess i'm just sick of trying to make myself happy, why cant i just be happy, i mean what did i do to karma to contnually get kicked in the face. yes things are getting better in some areas, but never in the areas that i want them too >.
damnit, dinner made me los emy train of thought... oh yes, i dunno maybe i just need to figure out who i am and become who i am supposed to be rather than changing myslf but like i say i'm tired of getting hurt and if i can change how i am maybe it will hurt less in the end, i mean right now i'm way too conected to my emotions, maybe i can change that and become more distant... no i don't want that then how would i write my poetry.. grr. i dunno i guess i'm just sick of trying to make myself happy, why cant i just be happy, i mean what did i do to karma to contnually get kicked in the face. yes things are getting better in some areas, but never in the areas that i want them too >.