Supernatural Songfic "Snuff" (Rated "R ")
Songfic “Snuff”
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
I lay on the bed and stare at his face. He looks so peaceful and beautiful in his sleep, yet so foreign. There are just too many secrets between us now. So much space. And I can’t deny it anymore. He is not the kid brother I left behind, he’s changed - I let him change. I was the one who left him here alone and I was the one who refused to confront him. I’m the one responsible for what he has become.
“If you can’t save him, you have to kill him.”
My father’s last words. They still ring so clear in my head and deep down I know he was right.
He saw this coming, saw the changes before I did. But I couldn’t do it. I still can’t.
I just lay looking at Sam as the long minutes tick by.
There’s this hollow feeling in me as I think of what I must do. I have to protect him. I have to get him out of this fight even if it means going on alone.
I turn my head away from him only as the first sunrays come through the thin motel curtains and he starts to restlessly shift in his sleep.
So if you love me, let me go. And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my Fate - If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago / If I can change I hope I never know
The fight was big and ugly. Harsh words, hurled with the utmost vitriol to get the most reaction. Words I didn’t mean. Words I hope he didn’t mean. Words I still had to say to make him leave.
“I despise what you’ve become Sammy. Look at yourself! You’re nothing more than an addict! Is that want you want to be? Is that what you think I can love?”
“Dean…”
“Don’t. Just don’t. No more apologies. I’m not stupid, Sam, I know. I know about Ruby and you, the demon blood, all of it.”
“Dean, I… we…” A long pause followed.
“Save it Sam. If you did love me you would leave and go to Bobby’s.”
“I can’t!” He’s almost hyperventilating; I can see that I’m hurting him. I have to turn my back to him to get the last words out. I need t do this for his own sake.
“There’s nothing for you here Samuel. I get sick just looking at you. This thing, whatever was between us, it’s gone, okay? There’s nothing left for you here so just fucking go!”
Nothing had ever hurt like his last whispered words, “I will write to you,” and the click of our motel door as it closed behind him.
I never deserved him. He had been too good for me. I was nothing but a righteous man who had broken in hell.
I took another sip of the whiskey and savored its bitter taste in my mouth. Now I was finally ready to face my destiny.
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart... when you refused to fight
Those letters were the only thing I had left from Sam, the only thing to help remind that there was still good in the world. Evil came to me from all sides and I was tired of fighting. I sometimes felt like I was fighting on the wrong side, and that was even worse. Killing innocent people was not what I thought God would want me to do. It was not what Sammy would have wanted me to do.
Had I really made the right choice by letting him go? But he had wanted to do it. In the end, he had been the one to leave. He had taken the easier path by choosing a life without me in it.
So save your breath, I will not care. I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a Saint...
My own was banished long ago / It took the Death of Hope to let you go
I stood over Bobby’s body and sharply turned around when I heard someone approaching. It was him. Sam. My brother and once lover. I knew I was supposed to kill him too but I just couldn’t do it. There was something inside me that refused to hurt him.
So we just stood and stared at each other.
“Dean, what did you do?” He whispered in obvious shock and horror, staring at me like I was a stranger.
“I did what I had to.” How else was I supposed to explain it to him? He had never heard the voice of our Lord.
“You killed him.” Sam was still frozen, staring at Bobby’s lifeless body.
“I never claimed to be a saint.” Someone had to stop the apocalypse and I was the only one who could. So I did what I had to. No time for regrets.
“Dean… all this time you never wrote me back, you never even called me. But I still…”
“Save your breath, I won’t care.” It was true, it had taken the death of hope to let him go but now all my illusions were finally gone.
“Goodbye Samuel.”
So Break Yourself Against My Stones
And Spit Your Pity In My Soul
You Never Needed Any Help
You Sold Me Out To Save Yourself
And I Won't Listen To Your Shame
You Ran Away - You're All The Same
Angels Lie To Keep Control...
My Love Was Punished Long Ago
If You Still Care, Don't Ever Let Me Know
If you still care, don't ever let me know...
I was here again. Here, despite everything I had done. Or more likely because of everything I had done. Angels lie to keep control, but I had figured that out too late. I had already done everything they had wanted me to do.
But it didn’t matter anymore. I was here now and all that mattered here were the pain, the skills, the eagerness…
Sam sold me out to save himself. Lilith never failed to remind me that when she carved me.
He had run away, like everybody else had. My mom, my dad, and then my bother. They had all left me alone. They hadn’t cared for me. Nobody cared for me.
It was easier that way to get off the rack - knowing that nobody would care about what I did.
They say that I sometimes talk in my sleep, repeating over and over again:
“If you still care, don’t ever let me know…”
_____
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
I lay on the bed and stare at his face. He looks so peaceful and beautiful in his sleep, yet so foreign. There are just too many secrets between us now. So much space. And I can’t deny it anymore. He is not the kid brother I left behind, he’s changed - I let him change. I was the one who left him here alone and I was the one who refused to confront him. I’m the one responsible for what he has become.
“If you can’t save him, you have to kill him.”
My father’s last words. They still ring so clear in my head and deep down I know he was right.
He saw this coming, saw the changes before I did. But I couldn’t do it. I still can’t.
I just lay looking at Sam as the long minutes tick by.
There’s this hollow feeling in me as I think of what I must do. I have to protect him. I have to get him out of this fight even if it means going on alone.
I turn my head away from him only as the first sunrays come through the thin motel curtains and he starts to restlessly shift in his sleep.
So if you love me, let me go. And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my Fate - If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago / If I can change I hope I never know
The fight was big and ugly. Harsh words, hurled with the utmost vitriol to get the most reaction. Words I didn’t mean. Words I hope he didn’t mean. Words I still had to say to make him leave.
“I despise what you’ve become Sammy. Look at yourself! You’re nothing more than an addict! Is that want you want to be? Is that what you think I can love?”
“Dean…”
“Don’t. Just don’t. No more apologies. I’m not stupid, Sam, I know. I know about Ruby and you, the demon blood, all of it.”
“Dean, I… we…” A long pause followed.
“Save it Sam. If you did love me you would leave and go to Bobby’s.”
“I can’t!” He’s almost hyperventilating; I can see that I’m hurting him. I have to turn my back to him to get the last words out. I need t do this for his own sake.
“There’s nothing for you here Samuel. I get sick just looking at you. This thing, whatever was between us, it’s gone, okay? There’s nothing left for you here so just fucking go!”
Nothing had ever hurt like his last whispered words, “I will write to you,” and the click of our motel door as it closed behind him.
I never deserved him. He had been too good for me. I was nothing but a righteous man who had broken in hell.
I took another sip of the whiskey and savored its bitter taste in my mouth. Now I was finally ready to face my destiny.
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart... when you refused to fight
Those letters were the only thing I had left from Sam, the only thing to help remind that there was still good in the world. Evil came to me from all sides and I was tired of fighting. I sometimes felt like I was fighting on the wrong side, and that was even worse. Killing innocent people was not what I thought God would want me to do. It was not what Sammy would have wanted me to do.
Had I really made the right choice by letting him go? But he had wanted to do it. In the end, he had been the one to leave. He had taken the easier path by choosing a life without me in it.
So save your breath, I will not care. I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a Saint...
My own was banished long ago / It took the Death of Hope to let you go
I stood over Bobby’s body and sharply turned around when I heard someone approaching. It was him. Sam. My brother and once lover. I knew I was supposed to kill him too but I just couldn’t do it. There was something inside me that refused to hurt him.
So we just stood and stared at each other.
“Dean, what did you do?” He whispered in obvious shock and horror, staring at me like I was a stranger.
“I did what I had to.” How else was I supposed to explain it to him? He had never heard the voice of our Lord.
“You killed him.” Sam was still frozen, staring at Bobby’s lifeless body.
“I never claimed to be a saint.” Someone had to stop the apocalypse and I was the only one who could. So I did what I had to. No time for regrets.
“Dean… all this time you never wrote me back, you never even called me. But I still…”
“Save your breath, I won’t care.” It was true, it had taken the death of hope to let him go but now all my illusions were finally gone.
“Goodbye Samuel.”
So Break Yourself Against My Stones
And Spit Your Pity In My Soul
You Never Needed Any Help
You Sold Me Out To Save Yourself
And I Won't Listen To Your Shame
You Ran Away - You're All The Same
Angels Lie To Keep Control...
My Love Was Punished Long Ago
If You Still Care, Don't Ever Let Me Know
If you still care, don't ever let me know...
I was here again. Here, despite everything I had done. Or more likely because of everything I had done. Angels lie to keep control, but I had figured that out too late. I had already done everything they had wanted me to do.
But it didn’t matter anymore. I was here now and all that mattered here were the pain, the skills, the eagerness…
Sam sold me out to save himself. Lilith never failed to remind me that when she carved me.
He had run away, like everybody else had. My mom, my dad, and then my bother. They had all left me alone. They hadn’t cared for me. Nobody cared for me.
It was easier that way to get off the rack - knowing that nobody would care about what I did.
They say that I sometimes talk in my sleep, repeating over and over again:
“If you still care, don’t ever let me know…”
_____