me against the world...
Sitting here at work on a powerbook g4...cute little laptop, it's not alienware though. just thinking about my life and the ones close to me. never in a million years would i have guessed that my life would be like this at the ripe old age of 32. i kind of still feel like im in my late teens the way im living actually. the only difference is i still had my parents or friends to live with...not having to support myself and my habbits. i'm proud of myself for being able to hold it down lately. i feel like it's literally me against the world. i know that the only one that is really responsibile for me is "ME", and i cant let the actions or decisions of others bring me down if if it seems they are trying to tear me apart. the sad part is that the ones that i've felt closest to for so long seem to be falling away from me...and i'm afraid to lose them. i dont have as much of a social life as i used to. a big part of my 20's was doing lots of drugs and having casual sex as often as possible. now i actually want something in my future but it seems like it's passed me by. i really dont know if i will ever get what i want. i'm really tired of trying, but i dont want to end up an emotionless zombie like so many others i know. i could go back to being like i was in my 20's but thats just existing not living. doing what needs to be done to pass the time. maybe someday i'll feel that closeness with people again, but being a hermit almost seems better. lately i've been confused with the motives of some people, people that i've trusted for ages. now i dont really want anything to do with them. i dont just give away my trust. although drugs and rampant sex always sounds like a good idea...i'm really not in the state of mind anymore to go through that phase again. i'm getting older, doesn't look like i'll be getting married or settling down anytime soon...i guess it really is me against the world.