Josh, Get Ready to Send Me a Dead Rodent.
Ranting is what I do best on here, so that's precisely what i'm going to do; fuck punctuation and to hell with capitalization as well; oh, and my spelling can go fuck itself as well; just lettin' you know, that's all, tee hee.
I've suddenly gotten a WHOLE lot of time on my hands; i mean, i usually have a good bit of free time, but recently, it's like i have nothing BUT time, tons and TONS of frickin' free time! Which is great and all, but not so great when you have nothing to do with that time; so, i started seeing my friends more, 'cause i never get to see them and they barely seem to talk to me anymore, much less know me; so, that seems to be working better than i had expected, plus i met two new people, both of which seem cool; i REALLY like hanging out with both of them, and probably for reasons that neither of them fully understand; in fact, probably the exact opposite reason for which they may or may not think; i will now refer to them obscurely as Mr. J. P. and Ms. T. They likely know who they are, although i'm not certain whether or not they both have livejournals; as far as i know, only one does; whether they read my dribble or not, i also don't know conclusively; i hope they do, 'cause i love having people peruse my stuff. That reminds me, i should probably republish my fork fighting dream, so they can have a chance to sniff through that.
Anyhow, as i was saying, i have a lot of time on my hands; i'm trying to see my friends more often, but i have obligations and responsibilities getting in the way continuously; weird the way that seems to work, but it seems that every time i want to go see my friends and they might not be working themselves to the bone or whatever, I happen to have to work or need to tend to my Mother or my Dad's dog; i guess that, as a side note, i should mention that my Mother has recently been developing symptoms that could be mini-strokes, dementia, schitzophrenia, or alzheimer's, none of which are good, and all of which have been causing her to forget lots of stuff and sometimes not be able to fully understand what's happening around her and all; it makes me VERY, VERY worried and sad, so i'm not going to mention it anymore if i can help it; my only other real obligation has been my extremely part-time job; i hardly work any, but when i do, it's for a long time and ALWAYS seems to be on the days i don't want to; OK, that should cover all of that for now.
Alas, it's a good thing and a bad thing, but VERY recently, i've suddenly gotten stuck with even more time than usual, so now, i should be able to appear for my friends at their whims; hopefully i'll even get to see them tomorrow (technically today) as well as later this week; i guess it all depends on my mood and their interest in me; i LOVE spending time with them, and it's been especially fun for me of late, but i worry that they'll lose interest, as all eventually do; they know i think this though, and constantly reassure me against it, but still, i can't help worrying, it's just the way i am. Well, now that i have more time than i know what to do with, i've also started doing something other than worrying to death about my friendships; i've started back working out, only this time, i started doing it like i did when i was 19; that is to say, i'm working out like frickin' crazy; i'm doing tons of various exercises every day, except one; i'm allowing myself only one day out of the week, usually randomly according to how i feel, to rest up and let my body heal from all the self-inflicted injuries of joy, hehe; yes, that's right, i'm actually ENJOYING all the pain i'm getting from these damn exercises; it all just seems to burn, soooo good, just like it used to when i was in my prime and all that whiny-ass crap; anyone ever notice that i curse a lot in my entries? yet i hardly do so in real life. huh. oh well, in any case, i've been keeping what i like to call, a weight journal; i've been writing down how many exercises i do, when i do them, what they are, how much i eat, the calories and amount, as well as what i drink, its calories and amount, and, of course, what i weigh, every so often; it's helped keep me structured and pretty well disciplined thus far, which i'm grateful for; God knows, i need the discipline more than anything; well, that's about it really.
That's what i've been doing; not much else, mainly because it seems that all that i've been doing has finally managed to take up my time.
This has nothing to do with my time or anything previously mentioned, but i thought i'd say it so i can get it off my chest, like most things that i write about in here; i really want a companion; i guess you could call this a mate, wife, husband, significant other, close friend, whatever; i don't care what the hell you wanna call it, but i'm rather tired of being by myself all the time; yeah, i know i'm around my parents, the dog Jackson, and people i don't know that live in Columbia, all the time, but that's not what i'm talking about; i pretty much feel alone unless i'm in Hattiesburg now, which is kinda pathetic, i know, but you know what, i don't care; i know that none of my friends can provide what i need, for whatever reasons, but that's also OK, as i wouldn't expect such from any of them; it's not that i don't expect them to care, it's just that i don't expect them to hang around me that much, put that much effort into "knowing" me, or want to fill that roll; for now, being around them fills that void in my life and i'm fine with that, but i realize now that that's just for now; it's a stop-gap measure and nothing more; with that, i'm making it my mission in life, to not only become something worth desiring, hence the working out thing, but also someONE worth wanting, and the only way for me to do that is to become truly human; well what does that mean, craig? it means that all my life i've cut myself off from other humans, i've never had a real best friend, and i don't know what all my emotions truly feel like because i do my best to numb myself from the majority of their effects; but to be human, it wouldn't mean that i'd feel my sorrow a thousand times more intensely or anything like that; it would mean that i'd be able to feel more than mere shadows of emotions, and all at once, too; not just sadness, but happiness, anger, bliss, and everything and anything in between and all together; it means that i might seem approachable to others rather than some aloof, arrogant statue; sure, it's a lot of bad things, but i'm used to the bad parts already, so becoming human to me just means i get to feel all the good parts as well as the bad, which suits me just fine; being more human will allow me to "touch" others, in ways i haven't been able to in the past; i'm sick of being afraid of people hugging me, so i have to say, with a bit of a wince actually, lol, that i invite any and all who are my friends and read this, to hug me to bits the next time they see me, totally uninvited; i promised i won't freak out or kill you, really.
OK, that's about all i've got to say for now; this is sorta killing my wrist by now; it's mostly healed but not totally and typing just makes it worse, so, without further adieu, later to all.
I've suddenly gotten a WHOLE lot of time on my hands; i mean, i usually have a good bit of free time, but recently, it's like i have nothing BUT time, tons and TONS of frickin' free time! Which is great and all, but not so great when you have nothing to do with that time; so, i started seeing my friends more, 'cause i never get to see them and they barely seem to talk to me anymore, much less know me; so, that seems to be working better than i had expected, plus i met two new people, both of which seem cool; i REALLY like hanging out with both of them, and probably for reasons that neither of them fully understand; in fact, probably the exact opposite reason for which they may or may not think; i will now refer to them obscurely as Mr. J. P. and Ms. T. They likely know who they are, although i'm not certain whether or not they both have livejournals; as far as i know, only one does; whether they read my dribble or not, i also don't know conclusively; i hope they do, 'cause i love having people peruse my stuff. That reminds me, i should probably republish my fork fighting dream, so they can have a chance to sniff through that.
Anyhow, as i was saying, i have a lot of time on my hands; i'm trying to see my friends more often, but i have obligations and responsibilities getting in the way continuously; weird the way that seems to work, but it seems that every time i want to go see my friends and they might not be working themselves to the bone or whatever, I happen to have to work or need to tend to my Mother or my Dad's dog; i guess that, as a side note, i should mention that my Mother has recently been developing symptoms that could be mini-strokes, dementia, schitzophrenia, or alzheimer's, none of which are good, and all of which have been causing her to forget lots of stuff and sometimes not be able to fully understand what's happening around her and all; it makes me VERY, VERY worried and sad, so i'm not going to mention it anymore if i can help it; my only other real obligation has been my extremely part-time job; i hardly work any, but when i do, it's for a long time and ALWAYS seems to be on the days i don't want to; OK, that should cover all of that for now.
Alas, it's a good thing and a bad thing, but VERY recently, i've suddenly gotten stuck with even more time than usual, so now, i should be able to appear for my friends at their whims; hopefully i'll even get to see them tomorrow (technically today) as well as later this week; i guess it all depends on my mood and their interest in me; i LOVE spending time with them, and it's been especially fun for me of late, but i worry that they'll lose interest, as all eventually do; they know i think this though, and constantly reassure me against it, but still, i can't help worrying, it's just the way i am. Well, now that i have more time than i know what to do with, i've also started doing something other than worrying to death about my friendships; i've started back working out, only this time, i started doing it like i did when i was 19; that is to say, i'm working out like frickin' crazy; i'm doing tons of various exercises every day, except one; i'm allowing myself only one day out of the week, usually randomly according to how i feel, to rest up and let my body heal from all the self-inflicted injuries of joy, hehe; yes, that's right, i'm actually ENJOYING all the pain i'm getting from these damn exercises; it all just seems to burn, soooo good, just like it used to when i was in my prime and all that whiny-ass crap; anyone ever notice that i curse a lot in my entries? yet i hardly do so in real life. huh. oh well, in any case, i've been keeping what i like to call, a weight journal; i've been writing down how many exercises i do, when i do them, what they are, how much i eat, the calories and amount, as well as what i drink, its calories and amount, and, of course, what i weigh, every so often; it's helped keep me structured and pretty well disciplined thus far, which i'm grateful for; God knows, i need the discipline more than anything; well, that's about it really.
That's what i've been doing; not much else, mainly because it seems that all that i've been doing has finally managed to take up my time.
This has nothing to do with my time or anything previously mentioned, but i thought i'd say it so i can get it off my chest, like most things that i write about in here; i really want a companion; i guess you could call this a mate, wife, husband, significant other, close friend, whatever; i don't care what the hell you wanna call it, but i'm rather tired of being by myself all the time; yeah, i know i'm around my parents, the dog Jackson, and people i don't know that live in Columbia, all the time, but that's not what i'm talking about; i pretty much feel alone unless i'm in Hattiesburg now, which is kinda pathetic, i know, but you know what, i don't care; i know that none of my friends can provide what i need, for whatever reasons, but that's also OK, as i wouldn't expect such from any of them; it's not that i don't expect them to care, it's just that i don't expect them to hang around me that much, put that much effort into "knowing" me, or want to fill that roll; for now, being around them fills that void in my life and i'm fine with that, but i realize now that that's just for now; it's a stop-gap measure and nothing more; with that, i'm making it my mission in life, to not only become something worth desiring, hence the working out thing, but also someONE worth wanting, and the only way for me to do that is to become truly human; well what does that mean, craig? it means that all my life i've cut myself off from other humans, i've never had a real best friend, and i don't know what all my emotions truly feel like because i do my best to numb myself from the majority of their effects; but to be human, it wouldn't mean that i'd feel my sorrow a thousand times more intensely or anything like that; it would mean that i'd be able to feel more than mere shadows of emotions, and all at once, too; not just sadness, but happiness, anger, bliss, and everything and anything in between and all together; it means that i might seem approachable to others rather than some aloof, arrogant statue; sure, it's a lot of bad things, but i'm used to the bad parts already, so becoming human to me just means i get to feel all the good parts as well as the bad, which suits me just fine; being more human will allow me to "touch" others, in ways i haven't been able to in the past; i'm sick of being afraid of people hugging me, so i have to say, with a bit of a wince actually, lol, that i invite any and all who are my friends and read this, to hug me to bits the next time they see me, totally uninvited; i promised i won't freak out or kill you, really.
OK, that's about all i've got to say for now; this is sorta killing my wrist by now; it's mostly healed but not totally and typing just makes it worse, so, without further adieu, later to all.