HEADLINE NEWS: Gassed Out At Movie Night
The cat farted! The sewer backed up! Someone burnt their hair!
Unfortunately for me and Chii we werent so lucky. We were halfway through Romeo + Juliet when something started getting... odorous. There was about a minute of twitching noses... and then it hit me
"Shara, do you smell skunk?"
"Huh?" Sniff.... sniff. "Whoa, something stinks. Where's it coming from?"
I immediately walk over to the door, crack it open, stick my head out.
"OH MY GOD SOMETHING DIED OUT HERE!" SLAM! Both of us now thoroughly green, gagging, and watery-eyed, go sprinting thorugh the apartment (me running, Shara gimping as fast as she could) making sure every window and door is shut. I grab the can of orange oil spray from my bathroom. It neutralizes anything.
WRONG.
Artilery now a matter of life or stench, I retrieve my bottle of rose perfume. Three sprits and we're good. We sit down and call Deb to find out if she can smell anything from over at her place, and jokingly invite her over. As Shara's talking my nose starts twitching and my eyes begin burning.
We have a leak. Fuck.
Gagging and half hurling, I bravely check the front door for cracks... then the front window... then the fireplace. Bingo. Leak located. Now, to plug it... I grab one of the glass panels from the dining table and a spare comforter from my closet. The whole time I'm running around trying to stop my eyes watering Shara's on the phone with Deb, laughing at the faces I'm making. I'm sorry, I cant help it. The only thing I can possibly imagine that would be worse than what I'm choking on in great gasping heaves would be the fresh-from-the-factory stink of infant feces. You know, during those first weeks after you shift from breastmilk to formula, and their shit turns green and that's when changing diapers becomes a job for HazMat? Wait, make that condensed shit.
So, the comforter is now spread carefully over the front of the fireplace, held in place by a large pane of smoky glass. My blanket is thoroughly coated in rose perfume and orange spray and currently filtering every breath I take.
And Shara's still eating.
Bloody hell. A pack of giant, mutated skunks just crawled onto our porch and into our chimney and DIED, and the woman is eating a bean burrito. Even the cats are running for cover. I dont know how she does it... until she starts gloating that her room is in the back. HA! My bedroom door was closed! I've got the only safe room in the whole apartment.
My eyes hurt. ><