Promise of Rain (Complete)
Beautiful banner by ninaelisabeth
Summary: In a life that has been turned upside down, Tom isn't sure of anything except the promises he makes.
Rated: R
Warning: Twincest, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, MCD
Pairing: Tom/Bill
Disclaimer: I don't know Tokio Hotel and I don't claim to. The events herein are for entertainment purposes only and no offense is ever meant.
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The leaves were falling down around the two, wrapped in a breathless embrace beneath the tree on Tom’s lawn. The early winter breeze flirted through Bill’s growing hair as he sat up, straddling his brother’s hips. A healthy glow emanated from his cheeks, his long lashes batting over bright brown eyes. Even though his body was still light and his hair was growing back a now unfamiliar blond, Tom thought he was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen.
Since coming home from the hospital, Bill had been staying with Simone and Gordon, but today was a special day. Today was only the second time Bill was strong enough to make the trip to Tom’s house, which he now shared with Georg when he discovered he just couldn’t part with it.
The first visit had been spent almost exclusively in bed. They’d lain on the covers and stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars, Bill pointing out the Big Dipper and Orion and the constellation he swore was called Tom, though the elder brother knew it was named Bill - it was centered around the biggest star on the ceiling.
Its name had to be Bill.
They’d wandered through the house, Bill touching every small frame on the wall, each photograph a memory shared between the two. Tom watched him gravitate toward the Christmas tree that Gustav had helped cut down at Thanksgiving. Massive brightly wrapped gifts crowded the lower branches of the tree and he hadn’t objected when his twin decided to move everything labeled ‘To: Bill’ to the front of the pile.
That’s where they belonged anyway.
He’d secretly taken a sharpie to the expensive silver star at the top of the tree, drawing careful alternating lines until it matched his tattoo. Tom noticed it when Bill went into the kitchen and he didn’t even blink. Taking the sharpie, he wrote a tiny ‘Tom and Bill’ along with the year on the back of the ornament and replaced it before Bill came back with more tinsel. Twinkling lights played across Bill’s pale face and Tom knew what he was thinking, because he’d been thinking it himself.
They were going to have another holiday together. A Christmas, then a New Year’s, then a Valentine’s Day. Not so long ago, Tom had been contemplating suicide, knowing that a life without his brother would not be a life at all. Never seeing Bill open another present, try on a hideous sweater made by grandma, shovel pie in his mouth before dinner had even started, or press a secret kiss to his lips while escaping Jorg’s Yahtzee tournament. But now…
They would do all of these things and more. He would make sure of it.
The wind blew harder now, bringing the elder twin back from his thoughts and making Bill gaze up into the falling leaves. Tom hopped up and took his hand, pulling him into the safety of the living room and slamming the door.
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“What do you think happens when you die?”
Tom scrunched his face and looked down at his brother. He brought a hand up and caressed his cheek. “Why?”
Lying on the white sheets of Tom’s bed, Bill tugged at a long lock of hair dangling in his face, grinning at Tom’s wince. “I just want to know what you think.”
“Well,” Tom put his ear to Bill’s chest, listening to the frail patter inside, “I don’t really know. I want to say that it’s kind of like waking up, finding yourself in a beautiful place where everyone you love is waiting for you.”
“That’s what happens after you die,” Bill said, looking down at the head of tangled hair pressing at his heart. “I want to know what happens when you die. Does it hurt? Does your life flash before your eyes? I read that your brain can go on living for minutes after the rest of your body is dead. Do you feel anything?”
“Bill.” Tom lifted his head and narrowed his eyes. “Why are you thinking about that?”
“I can’t help it. Don’t tell me you don’t think about it, too.”
Tom tried to argue, but he knew that Bill was right. Ever since he had made him say goodbye, he’d thought almost constantly about dying - for his brother and for himself. What would it have felt like to take that bottle of pills and just fall asleep? Would he have even known he was dying? Or would he have just opened his eyes and found himself gazing into the laughing face of his brother, maybe sitting on a cloud in the sky, miles above the body he‘d left behind?
“I do, but I try not to. What happens in that situation will happen no matter how much I worry myself about it. Besides, I don’t like to think about you… about you dying!”
“I just want to know what will happen when I do.”
“What are you talking about?” Tom’s voice rose a few octaves, panic edging his words. “You shouldn’t say things like that; I don‘t know if my heart can take it!”
Bill ran his fingers through Tom’s hair, pressing his head back down onto his chest. “Do you hear that? That’s my heart. Can you hear what it’s saying?”
Tom clutching at Bill’s sides and snuggled his face into his twin’s bare chest, pressing a kiss to his ribs. “What is it saying?”
“It’s saying, ‘Tom-Tom. Tom-Tom.’ Do you hear it?” Bill smiled, tracing the new tears from his brother’s eyes with his fingertip. “As long as it’s your name that beats in my heart, everything will be okay.”
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Tom came out of the shower to an empty room. The towel around his head dripped cold sprinkles onto his bare body as he looked around for a sign of where Bill might have gone. His bag was still by the bed, so he couldn’t be far…
A noise from downstairs filtered through the door and Tom opened it slowly, hearing a sound he hadn’t heard in what felt like forever. Throwing on a robe, he tiptoed on the stairs and hovered at the edge of Georg’s bedroom.
Bill’s voice flowed through his veins like a new transfusion, sending shudders down his spine.
“The last look back is black; the night turns dark ahead…”
Leaning against the hallway wall, he slid to sit in the shadow of the door and listen, the resounding chords from Georg’s bass beating in his chest.
“When there's no turning back, we're glad, so glad. No turning back…”
Too long he’d waited to hear his brother sing again, and the first song had to be Black? And why would he sing with Georg when he’d told Tom just last night that he wasn’t ready? It’s not fair!
He prepared to stand up, his mouth set in a hurt frown, when he heard Georg suddenly toss his bass aside and get up from his squeaky bed. “Bill? What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry,” Bill choked out, causing Tom to scramble to his feet. “Please, don’t tell Tom… I’m just…” Oh. He sat back down and crossed his arms. ‘Don’t tell Tom’ my ass.
“It’s okay, Bill.” Georg sat back down on his bed and picked up his bass again, strumming tunelessly. “I know this has been really hard. Tom was going crazy without you here, so I’m glad you’re back and doing better. Have you - ”
“I’m not doing better,” Bill whispered.
The strumming stopped. Tom clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle the scream he knew was going to fight its way out of his throat. “What are you talking about?” Georg asked, his voice low and serious. “You’re out of the hospital, aren’t you?”
“I’m so tired, Georg. I try to hide it from Tom, but…”
“But that’s to be expected, isn’t it? Your mom said that you’re going to be fatigued for a really long time.”
“It’s not… that, it’s…” Bill fought with his words, trying to pull the sentences that seemed to come less and less coherently now. He bit down on his bottom lip and began to cry.
“Oh, no, no… don’t cry, Bill,” Georg pleaded, wiping away the tears with his sweater sleeve. “Hey, breathe for me, okay? I can’t have you dying in my bedroom.”
“I am dying.” Bill wept, pushing his face into Georg’s shoulder.
“No, you’re not. I see you right here, right now, and you look better to me than you have in a long time. Besides, your cancer is in remiss-”
Sobbing harder, he banged a feeble fist on Georg’s chest. “It’s back,” he cried loudly, clinging to his friend. “It’s back, it’s back…”
Everything went dark. No sight, no sound. No feeling. No air.
The light went out of Tom’s life.
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“I wish you would stop thinking about death all the time, Bill. I told you,” Tom whispered, pressing his mouth into Bill’s ear to form the words against his skin, “that if anything ever happens, I’ll be right beside you. Do you remember?”
“Of course,” Bill murmured, wrapping a hand in Tom’s hair to pull his warm breath closer to his face. “You said you would follow me.”
“You know that I meant it. I can‘t stand to be apart from you,” Tom said, breathing the scent of Bill’s cologne deep into his chest. “You won’t ever be alone again.”
Bill’s lips parted for his brother’s tongue, rubbing his fingertips across his shoulder blades. The pillow beneath his head was thrown across the room, striking the dent in the wall from Tom’s pill bottle all that time ago.
“As long as it’s your name that beats in my heart, everything will be okay.”
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Small and beautiful, sparkling Christmas lights glimmer from every tree, every house.
Small and beautiful, perfectly symmetrical snowflakes, falling like a crystal rain to land in their hair.
Small and beautiful, his lips pressed to his brother’s neck.
I would have followed you.
The frost won’t melt from his face now, and he’s given up brushing it away.
I love you.
They share a jacket, wrapped in each others arms, zipped up tight with his brother to his chest, hand in hand.
You know I would be right behind you.
And though they’ve stopped breathing long ago, the tree stands above them, protecting them from the chilling wind.
I promise.
Twinkling snow settles in his open eyes, gazing through the haze at his brother’s face.
…Small and beautiful, hand in hand.
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“Tom? Tom!” Bill cried, wiping the hot tears from his face. “Where are you? Please, Tom! Please…”
He groped through the darkness, stumbling on something hard that tore through his pants, ripping into his skin. Blood trickled down his legs, but he never felt it. This pain in his chest, this loss, this is what mattered.
I’ve lost my brother.
“Tomi!” he screamed, wiping away the snow falling on his face, coming thicker and faster now. “Please! Please… Where are you?”
He ran through the trees with his eyes shut, snapping branches and staggering through more sharp underbrush before falling to his knees. A brilliant white light encompassed the whole of his vision and he fought to keep his eyes open.
An empty space, a clearing in the forest, bright sunlight blinding his eyes, and his brother was there.
Small and beautiful, ten-year-old Tom shook the frost from the hat covering his short dreads and looked up at the noise behind him.
“Bill?” he called, running over as his brother cupped his knee, blood covering his hands. “Are you okay?”
“I lost you!” He sniffed, blinking at the brilliant light surrounding his twin. “I thought I was alone… I was so scared.”
“Hey,” Tom said softly, moving Bill’s hand away to see the small scratches beneath. “You’re all right. I was here the whole time.”
Bill wiped the blood off on the snow. “Wait, I lost my mittens somewhere,” he said, surprised. “My hands are really cold, Tomi.”
The elder brother laughed, giving Bill a huge smile. Soon, they were both on the ground, tangled together in hysterics. “I can’t believe you lost your mittens. Grandma is going to kill you!” He threw one of his gloves at Bill and watched as he fitted it over his fingers.
“I know,” Bill giggled, rubbing his hands on Tom’s cheeks, “and I feel so stupid now.”
“You don’t have to feel stupid.” Tom put his gloved hand over Bill’s and, for a moment, forgot how to breathe. He didn’t think, he just did - pulling his brother’s face to his own, he pressed a warm kiss to his lips.
Bill clung to Tom’s jacket as they lay on the ground, breathing hard. “Tomi,” he whispered, his red face buried in his brother’s neck, “you can’t ever leave me.”
“Don’t worry.” A small, cold hand pushed into his glove, sharing the warm space inside. “You won’t ever be alone again, I promise.”