Wandering
Sean told me that I could go out for a walk or whatever if I needed to, so long as I don't leave Heaven. I wouldn't do that anyway, I don't want to chance being somewhere that's unprotected and Viggo finding me. Since last week, security up here has basically been tripled. It bothers me, though... They take so many precautions to make sure that the angels aren't touched, and nobody really wants to take the demons, because they're all scared shitless of them, but then... What happens to the Risen? Just because Nick and I are the first and it was unexpected doesn't mean that we're any less of God's creations than the angels or the demons. That really pisses me off that only the angels have a mandate stating that they cannot be taken from their homes, and if they are, war is threatened. I remember what happened with Craig when he was stolen from Heaven, how can I not? That experience clinched it for me, it told me exactly what I needed to know about Nick to know that my feelings were returned and that they wouldn't just be trampled on.
These thoughts have been running through my head all day today. I've decided to leave the place I've been secluded in so far and just walk. So I'm wandering the Crystal Palace, wrapped up in the blanket that was on my bed at Sean's. It's fleecy, and it's green. Same color as Nick's eyes. That thought makes me sad, so I push it out of my head. I tug the blanket tighter around me and just walk, trying not to think of how much I miss Nick.
Eventually, I look up and find myself outside of the theater. Sean told me there was one, the angels use it for movie screenings and concerts. I look around and see no one, so I duck inside, just to take a look. It's beautiful. The ceiling is painted dark, but there are stars painted up there, and if you look for them, you can see all the constellations. When I was a kid, I had a habit of looking for Orion when I was walking alone in the dark. That's how I feel now, like I'm alone in darkness, and not just the dim light of the theater. I feel so alone without my Nick. I look up at the ceiling and look for Orion, finding it after only a moment. I feel no better.
I nuzzle the blanket and look up at the stage, wondering if the screen can be rolled up. I wish for it and it rolls up, leaving an empty stage. I summon a mic, center stage, and go up to the sound booth. I summon one of my old practice CD's, the one for Darkest Days, and set it to track 16. I walk down to the stage, sniffling slightly as I look up at the ceiling, thinking of a time when Nick and I just sat out on the porch of our cabin and watched the stars. We saw a shooting star that night. He pointed it out to me, and then he kissed me. I sigh heavily and blink away my tears as I climb up onto the stage. The stairs to it are behind a locked door and I don't have the energy to pop myself up there. I can summon things, but I can't do that.
I sigh again and stand at the mic, asking for the music to start. It does, and I let the blanket fall to my feet as I begin to sing.
I've been so alone for so long, forgotten by the world, forgotten to myself. Your effervescent eyes have awakened me and brushed the dust away but I knew you'd never stay.
I remember the way his eyes would light up when I'd curl up next to him or in his lap. I take the mic from its stand and cup the head of it in both hands, singing softly, thinking only of Nick.
So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you, and I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you. I miss, God, I miss waking up beside you
I think about finding him on the floor, fucking himself as he listened to my band, and being inside of him after that. I remember the first morning I woke up next to him, after the almost-war and before we Rose.
But now, I cling to you, I'm so afraid, afraid a day will come and I'll wake and find you gone. But you promised that you'd not abandon me, and then kissed my fears away, but I woke up to that day.
I know it wasn't his fault, he didn't plan to, he didn't want to, but he's still gone, and I want him back. He didn't leave me, he was taken from me.
But I memorized the way our eyes would meet, reflected in the bathroom mirror, and I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair. I miss, God, I miss waking up beside you.
I remember the time he wouldn't let me come on the bathroom floor, and all the times we bathed together, and the day he took the bathroom door off its hinges. I remember him chasing me into there one day, tickling me.
I've been so alone for so long, forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone.
My voice breaks and I almost start crying. I hate waking up with just that pillow that has no scent, I want to wake up with Nick, with him, I want to wake up with my fiance.
But I'd memorized how warm your body felt as you lay half asleep beside me, and I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room and played upon your body. I miss, God, I miss waking up beside you. I miss, God, I miss waking up beside you.
My voice cracks again and this time, I can't help it. I break down and cry, my knees giving out so that I'm sitting on the stage. I pull the blanket around me again, not noticing that the mic is still on and amplifying my sobs throughout the theater. I continue crying as memories flood through me.
Then I feel different. It feels like he's there with me, like he's holding me, like he's kissing my cheeks and wiping my tears away. But he can't be, he's with Viggo, he's not here, I'm the only one here, but it still feels like he's holding me, like he's shifting me into his lap to cuddle me the way he does. I give up and turn into that feeling, wanting it to be real, wanting him there with me, but he's not, and I knew he wasn't, I knew he wasn't there.
The same dismay from before comes back, but it's somewhat lightened. I snuggle into the blanket, pretending it's Nick's arms, and cry softly. I want him back so badly. The mic is still in my hands, but I'm too out of it to notice as I whisper into it, "I love you, Nick. Please come home."
These thoughts have been running through my head all day today. I've decided to leave the place I've been secluded in so far and just walk. So I'm wandering the Crystal Palace, wrapped up in the blanket that was on my bed at Sean's. It's fleecy, and it's green. Same color as Nick's eyes. That thought makes me sad, so I push it out of my head. I tug the blanket tighter around me and just walk, trying not to think of how much I miss Nick.
Eventually, I look up and find myself outside of the theater. Sean told me there was one, the angels use it for movie screenings and concerts. I look around and see no one, so I duck inside, just to take a look. It's beautiful. The ceiling is painted dark, but there are stars painted up there, and if you look for them, you can see all the constellations. When I was a kid, I had a habit of looking for Orion when I was walking alone in the dark. That's how I feel now, like I'm alone in darkness, and not just the dim light of the theater. I feel so alone without my Nick. I look up at the ceiling and look for Orion, finding it after only a moment. I feel no better.
I nuzzle the blanket and look up at the stage, wondering if the screen can be rolled up. I wish for it and it rolls up, leaving an empty stage. I summon a mic, center stage, and go up to the sound booth. I summon one of my old practice CD's, the one for Darkest Days, and set it to track 16. I walk down to the stage, sniffling slightly as I look up at the ceiling, thinking of a time when Nick and I just sat out on the porch of our cabin and watched the stars. We saw a shooting star that night. He pointed it out to me, and then he kissed me. I sigh heavily and blink away my tears as I climb up onto the stage. The stairs to it are behind a locked door and I don't have the energy to pop myself up there. I can summon things, but I can't do that.
I sigh again and stand at the mic, asking for the music to start. It does, and I let the blanket fall to my feet as I begin to sing.
I've been so alone for so long, forgotten by the world, forgotten to myself. Your effervescent eyes have awakened me and brushed the dust away but I knew you'd never stay.
I remember the way his eyes would light up when I'd curl up next to him or in his lap. I take the mic from its stand and cup the head of it in both hands, singing softly, thinking only of Nick.
So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you, and I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you. I miss, God, I miss waking up beside you
I think about finding him on the floor, fucking himself as he listened to my band, and being inside of him after that. I remember the first morning I woke up next to him, after the almost-war and before we Rose.
But now, I cling to you, I'm so afraid, afraid a day will come and I'll wake and find you gone. But you promised that you'd not abandon me, and then kissed my fears away, but I woke up to that day.
I know it wasn't his fault, he didn't plan to, he didn't want to, but he's still gone, and I want him back. He didn't leave me, he was taken from me.
But I memorized the way our eyes would meet, reflected in the bathroom mirror, and I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair. I miss, God, I miss waking up beside you.
I remember the time he wouldn't let me come on the bathroom floor, and all the times we bathed together, and the day he took the bathroom door off its hinges. I remember him chasing me into there one day, tickling me.
I've been so alone for so long, forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone.
My voice breaks and I almost start crying. I hate waking up with just that pillow that has no scent, I want to wake up with Nick, with him, I want to wake up with my fiance.
But I'd memorized how warm your body felt as you lay half asleep beside me, and I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room and played upon your body. I miss, God, I miss waking up beside you. I miss, God, I miss waking up beside you.
My voice cracks again and this time, I can't help it. I break down and cry, my knees giving out so that I'm sitting on the stage. I pull the blanket around me again, not noticing that the mic is still on and amplifying my sobs throughout the theater. I continue crying as memories flood through me.
Then I feel different. It feels like he's there with me, like he's holding me, like he's kissing my cheeks and wiping my tears away. But he can't be, he's with Viggo, he's not here, I'm the only one here, but it still feels like he's holding me, like he's shifting me into his lap to cuddle me the way he does. I give up and turn into that feeling, wanting it to be real, wanting him there with me, but he's not, and I knew he wasn't, I knew he wasn't there.
The same dismay from before comes back, but it's somewhat lightened. I snuggle into the blanket, pretending it's Nick's arms, and cry softly. I want him back so badly. The mic is still in my hands, but I'm too out of it to notice as I whisper into it, "I love you, Nick. Please come home."